


Afterimage

by everythingispoetry



Series: One look in your eyes [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blind Character, Community: avengerkink, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Recovery, Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-11-22 07:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 143,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingispoetry/pseuds/everythingispoetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, people and objects just suddenly appear and it's frightening.<br/>Blind!Tony, AU after his rescue in Afghanistan, written for <a href="http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/12672.html?thread=28928896#t28928896">this prompt</a> on avengerkink.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

The first thing, before he even registers that someone is calling his name, is _the heat._ It’s burning and hurting; it’s obtrusive and feels like something sleek and dry clinging to his skin; it’s everywhere: in his throat and on his back and making his half-covered head ache dully, making his skin feel stretched and too small on his bony frame. He notices the grains, then, under the surfaces his body, scratching and hard, and it takes him a moment to remember that it is sand.

Sand, sand, sand everywhere. The sun. Desert. Afghanistan. The cave – Yinsen –

‘Tony?’ he finally fishes out of the sudden noise all around, a strange loud rumble mixed with dozens of voices talking at once, talking in English and not Farsi, yes please, he’ll gladly welcome a nice American accent.

‘Tony? You with me? Tony?’ the voice persists, and he starts to connect it, his brain slowly starts working, he’s heard this voice before, many times before –

‘Rhodey?’ he rasps, trying to figure out what happened, how did Rhodey find him? hasn’t he been wandering around the dunes for so long that it felt like days, like weeks, like a lifetime?

His throat is dry and coughs roughly, trying to find enough saliva to spit the sand out –

‘Tony, man, I thought we’ve lost you – don’t think too much, I’ve got you. You are okay, I’ve got you…’ Rhodey’s voice trails off and suddenly there are hands all around Tony’s oversensitive skin, making it burn even more, but he is in too much pain to care anymore.

***

When he wakes up again there is no sun, the heat is a bit less and there is buzzing silence in his ears. The new place smells like antiseptic and soap. _Medical shit, then,_ Tony decides. There is something on his face, some light cloth, an iv in his hand, a cast on the other, and a few bandages over stinging burns and scrapes, he can feel them just like he could feel the sand. Then then there is – a hand? A hand in his, and it moves when he flinches a little.

‘It’s just me, Tony,’ Rhodey tells him, the voice deep and low from his throat filled with tears – Tony can say, he’s known the man for long enough to read between lines.

‘How…’ Tony starts, but Rhodey cuts in.

‘Three months. Three months, man, it’s a miracle they let me look for you that long, everyone just deemed you dead, well, anyone but Pepper and me, apparently…’

‘Pepper…’ Tony manages to say; his whole chest hurts when he exhales quickly. The hand squeezes his reassuringly and he wants to add sharply _I don’t need a babysitter_ but he is kind of unable to make the any noise.

‘She’s all right. I called her when you were out; she burst into tears. You know how she is… Just don’t think too much, Tony, relax and rest and – yeah. Take your time, you were half dead when we found you.’

Tony doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t even nod, he focuses on thoughts running messily in his head and he’s trying hard _not to move_ and make everything hurt more (his skin, he can feel it p e e l i n g off, blisters covered with something cold and sleek, on his nape and back and arms –) He lets Rhodey hold his hand, the heat of the man’s body burning his oversensitive skin but it’s easy enough to ignore, and it makes him sure he is back. Back somewhere.

***

The next time Tony wakes it feels like night: there is a slight fresh breeze coming in from an apparently open window, and he can hear cicadas singing out somewhere, together with underground buzz of electricity he is so familiar with. _Fuck it,_ he thinks, _I remember the mess my face was after all the explosions, but I’d like this thing off me, please, I’ve been blindfolded and with a bag over my head for long enough recently and a change would be nice_. Tony is much more aware of the surroundings than the previous time; the pain is dulled, he has no idea if it’s because he’s healing or because they’ve been pumping more painkillers into him, but it was a nice change. All the bandages and dressings are in place, though the colonel’s hand isn’t there.

‘Rhodey?’ Tony calls out, hearing his rough but noticeably stronger voice echoing in the room. ‘Anyone here?’

A few moments later someone approaches the room and stops briefly before opening the door. Tony recognized the pattern of steps, of course he does.

‘Tony, man, how are you feeling? Are you in pain?’

‘I’ll manage,’ he says.

‘Do you want me to call a doctor?’ Rhodey asks and Tony feels a sudden rush of panic, making his heart skip a beat, sweat breaking out on his temples. It was still much too warm. _Still Afghanistan,_ Tony makes a mental note, _what are they doing to me here? Are they going to keep me like an exhibit and stare at the thing?_

‘No doctors, Rhodey, just… no,’ he says in the end. ‘Has anyone – seen?’

‘The thing in your chest? Yes, the doctors did. When they were trying to keep you alive. But no one has an idea of what it is, and I didn’t let anyone look for too long. Figured you wouldn’t want that.’

‘Thanks.’

‘You owe me for that. The doctors are unbelievably noisy, they fussed over that for much too long –’

‘Was I asleep long?’ he wonders.

‘About ten hours. Longer than altogether during the last week, you know, before…’

‘Yeah.’ Tony agrees, even though he can only vaguely remember that time. It seems like a story from a different lifetime; he remembers Pepper and Stark Industries and his house in Malibu, JARVIS and Dummy and all the robots, he even fancies he can feel the hot taste of his favourite vintage whiskey on the palate, but it seems foggy and distant and unreal, since he’s done his best at avoiding to reminisce in the cave. Go day by day, that worked perfectly. He couldn’t have hoped for more. _JARVIS, buddy, you can’t even imagine how I wished I had your help – well, of course you can’t imagine, you are an A.I., or maybe you have developed more of that charming personality of yours when I was gone and now you could –_

Rhodey says something, cutting his thoughts, and they exchange a few easy sentences, not touching any kind of delicate subject; Rhodey doesn’t seem to be avoiding them, exactly, but he doesn’t ask questions, and Tony doesn’t feel like offering answers. Not yet or not ever, well, _I’m not a baby to need reassurance,_ he tells himself firmly.

(Only that it turns out that he is.)

***

In the morning – Tony guesses it’s morning, there is a general rush all around, muffled voices, shouted commands; it is much hotter, too – Rhodey comes to inform Tony that he is going to let a doctor in to check up on him and change his bandages if he ever wants to leave the place for a base in Germany and then the USA; apparently Pepper has plans and everything is under control. Tony doesn’t have other choice but to agree, and a moment later someone comes in and a deep voice says:

‘Good morning, Mr. Stark. Thank you for letting me in without a fuss –’

‘I was told I can’t get away from here without getting a green light from you, so here you are. Be quick. I’ve got places to be,’ Tony cuts in, trying to make his words sound as casual and offhanded as possible, but it’s difficult with his dry sore throat.

‘Of course,’ the doctor murmurs and moves closer, starting to unwrap dressings, peel off band-aids and clean all the cuts and scrapes; Tony is then asked to lay on his side so the doctor could see his back and the sunburns that are apparently healing nice enough.

‘It should heal within a week, with some dead skin peeling off later, but it won’t be hurting if you take a proper care of yourself,’ the doctor instructs, though Tony is wondering more if it would scar because well, he doesn’t want big ugly scars all over his back, what would the girls say? ‘Just your face now, you had some glass particles embedded in the skin, some bleeding cuts that made you look pretty scary…’ he hears the doctor continuing his ramble and turns off, focusing on pros and cons of trying to run away from the medical, how he hates medicals!, and make Rhodey take him home immediately, Malibu, yes, it would work perfectly, he would bury himself in the workshop with JARVIS and the rest of his babies, building an armor with proper tools and some good music.

The doctor takes off whatever dressing he had set on his face; his eyelids seem glued together with some salve but he blinks them open and then there is only blackness staring back at him. He stiffens momentarily and closes his eyes and opens them again, seeing nothing, he blinks a few times and starts to breathe faster, faster, feeling his weakened body starting to shiver uncontrollably and a strange tingling spread over his limbs and climbing up to his chest; _No no no no no, no fucking way what is this supposed to mean why can’t I see, what the fuck –_

‘Mister Stark, calm down! What is it? Mister Stark!’ the doctor shouts at him and Tony feels Rhodey’s hands on his shoulder, pinning him to the bed; Tony knows it should hurt his burnt skin but he can’t feel anything at all –

‘Tony? Talk to me! What is wrong?’ Rhodey orders him in a sharp voice, shouting commands close to Tony’s ears.

‘I can’t see,’ Tony murmurs, trying to believe that he’s just said that aloud. Rhodey’s hands tighten the grip even more and the man leans over him.

‘What? What do you mean, Tony? If you’re making fun of me again I swear I will –’

Tony cuts in his speech laughing. Well, he may be crying and laughing at the same time because the situation seems so absurd that he can’t really grasp it; it is like waking up from one bad dream into another, well, not his kind of fun.

He is quite sure both men must look at him incredulously because that would make sense, sane people would surely look at him in disbelief –

‘I can’t. Fucking. See’ he repeats, trying to control his breathing; a breath – wait three second – a breath – wait three seconds, rinse, repeat, so on so on.

‘What do you mean, Mister Stark?’ the doctor asks, genuinely surprised, so Tony decides not to try to destroy the man with his sheer force of mind. He doesn’t have a faintest idea of what to do.

***

There is a hectic series of tests and procedures, all on his eyes – Tony doesn’t let them look at the arc reactor more than absolutely necessary – with people coming and going, talking in hushed voices and asking him questions (no, he still could see before he passed out, he doesn’t remember an special damage to his eyes, yes he was hit on the head, la la la, the song goes on); Tony listens to them en passant, trying his best not to freak out. He doesn’t admit it to Rhodey, but it’s good to have the man close by all the time; he doesn’t admit it to himself, but he is being such a b a b y now. A well-acting baby. Though he remembers as much as to absolutely forbid Rhodey to inform Pepper before they know something more.

In the evening Tony is en route to Germany because there isn’t even an MRI machine in the Middle East base and CT doesn’t show anything definitive. He doesn’t say goodbye to the doctors; he would wave them off if he could lift his arm without having dead skin peeling off. On the plane, he listens to the constant reassuring noises and doesn’t say anything, and neither does Rhodey. Tony assumes the man, despite having knowing him for years and years, suddenly doesn’t know how to approach him, since he is notorious for hating consolations and pity. Also, there is a mask placed over his mouth, since the doctors insisted he have enough oxygen (reduced lung capacity plus lower oxygen levels on planes do no mix well.)

So there is silence in between all the rumble and Tony thinks.

There is, of course, a chance that it’s just temporary, maybe sun blindness, the doctors said. He wants to believe, but there is a voice at the back of his head telling him that hey, he’s come out alive of the cave, which he’s never really expected to, so since he is living on a borrowed time he doesn’t really have the right to lament. Well.

When he lets himself consider that it might be permanent, a black hole literally stretches in front of him, sucking in everything he’s ever – everything. Just everything. It makes the his breathing weird, welcome ponopnea, tachypnea; he knows all the medical terms because he is a genius, thank you, almost eidetic memory.

He thinks about Pepper, wondering what she might have been doing all that time, how has she been – Rhodey told him bits and pieces, but he was more in the Middle East than in America and all he knew was telephone conferences. He doesn’t think about Obi too much, or Stark Industries or any of the girls he’s slept with within past few months; honestly, it’s hard to remember what a female body looks like, what it feels like (besides Pepper, of course, he has even counted all her freckles in his mind at some point; her disappointed looks and annoyed shrugs cannot be easily forgotten.) He can’t really imagine being with someone at the moment… argh, how would he ever have sex again with people not staring at his chest? That was going to be an issue.

Sleep claims him at some point when Tony is half-aware is the stream of things coming through his mind. When Rhodey wakes him up, they are beginning the descent for landing.

‘We are going you transport you straight to the medical,’ Rhodey tells him, his voice is muffled to Tony because of the stupid air pressure issues, all of his private jets are made the way to compensate that, he tries to swallow since the air is more likely to flow up the Eustachian tube if you do that, but his throat is too dry and sore. At least he knows it’s going to be over soon.

Just before they leave the plane, Rhodey covers him with a other blanket, probably to block out the reactor light, and Tony is grateful, though it makes him think _what the fuck am I wearing? Please, please tell me it’s not one of those sickeningly green shapeless sacks._ When they land, Tony is rushed straight into the medical and into a spiral of scans and all kinds of examinations. He tries not to snap at the doctors hoping that would give him answers sooner, although he can’t help himself a few times, because well, they are so dumb at times, and annoying. He doesn’t like annoying. At least they are American, he really wouldn’t stand people talking in language he doesn’t know.

***

It lasts three days, all kind of tests of utmost confidentiality and _not_ telling Pepper anything.

‘I will personally murder them if any of this information is revealed to public without my consent,’ Tony warns Rhodey at some point.

‘Of course it won’t. Have some faith in soldiers’ the man replies and Tony chuckles.

‘After knowing you for so long? Never.’

‘Bastard,’ Rhodey says, but his tone is patronizing and Tony kind of hates that but he knows he’d better get used to it.

***

In the end Tony gets closed in his (?) room with Rhodey and a bunch of doctors. He hears the shuffle of chairs being moved and too many footsteps at once to count; it’s something he wishes he knew, but well. Comes with time, if anything. When they are all seated there is a brief moment of silence and Tony thinks, _wow, awkward,_ though he can only imagine their faces and schoolchild-like playing with their hands.

After a moment one of them clears his throat with a deep chuckle and the others seem to suddenly be able to breathe.

‘Oookay,’ Tony starts, feeling Rhodey’s hand climb onto his bed and squeeze his shoulder reassuringly. ‘Okay, so it’s like you’ve already said the hot news by not saying anything, so if you could hurry and say the rest it would be totally nice, ‘cause I’d really rather be at home than half across the world.’ His words meet more silence though; he sighs, annoyed. ‘So?’ _Come on, babies, just tell me stuff, I have an engineering magic to fix my eyes waiting to be done –_

‘The damage is to your brain, sir, the posterior occipital lobe…’ one of the doctors begins.

_– or not._

‘… damage of unknown source, probably after a head injury and post-concussion, there are traces of changes, one could call it scarring, in the area; it seems strange to have been so minor or have healed so quickly…’

Tony listens to the man, and then another and another as they recite their parts perfectly, in professionally remorseful voices; he finds himself much calmer and in control that he would have expected. One could say it was a sign of shock but hey, Tony Stark doesn’t do shock; he’s just kind of presumed an answer that would involve a word permanent (even though he doesn’t expect not being able to rectify the problem with science magic; not that he won’t try.)

When the doctors finally leave him and Rhodey alone in the room, the colonel stands up and starts pacing; Tony is glad there is only a pair of feet to follow. _That’s going to bring multitasking to a new level,_ he thinks, _learning to be aware of all these things at once._

‘What do you think you are going to do now? They said you can travel back to the USA in three days and –’

‘Can we not talk about this right now?’ he cuts in.

‘How do you want to do it, then, without talking?’ Rhodey asks irritated.

‘Not now. Not a good time. See? I’m hurting here. You shouldn’t kick the weaker. That’s me, right now, if you didn’t know…’

‘You’re and asshole,’ Rhodey states. ‘You know that I just want to help you.’

‘No, no help here, thank you –’

‘Could you be serious for once?!’ Rhodey bursts out and Tony cringes inwardly. Well, he is _the_ asshole, so he’s not sure what to do. Acting reasonable isn’t exactly in his everyday repertoire, plus, it’s so much easier to slip back into old patterns. It’s… familiar.

He stays silent for a moment.

‘You don’t have to act like this situation doesn’t affect you, even you are not inhuman enough to pull that off,’ Rhodey says, his voice thick, and Tony thinks _hey, just please don’t cry, grown up men don’t cry, I don’t know how to deal with that;_ he feels like he could panic because of Rhodey’s behavior, but he’s far too tired for that.

‘… I have to tell Pepper, now,’ he admits in the end, knowing that he owes that much honesty to the colonel. ‘You know how Pepper is. She will swear to kill me ten times for not telling her sooner, before breaking into tears and freaking me out.’

Rhodey chuckles and comes to sit down on the edge of Tony’s bed.

‘I know. I know, Tony… It’s hard,’ the man sighs and pats his shoulder reassuringly. ‘Want to try that now and be done?’

‘No time like the present, I guess,’ Tony replies. _I have no fucking idea how to do this, why do I have to do this? I don’t know what to do if she starts crying, and she will start crying, what the hell did I put myself into_ – his thoughts run, making him half dizzy, as Rhodey takes out his phone and dials the number; of course she picks up after one signal.

‘Pepper? Hello, yes, it’s me. I’m calling because I can finally get you Tony on the line… yes, he is ready to talk with you now… he will tell you everything…’ he hears Rhodey saying, and when the man says ‘okay, I’ll give him the phone,’ he really, really wants to shake his head and run, _not now not now please I’m not ready yet –_

‘Tony?’ Peppers soft voice pours into his ear and he relaxes just a tiny bit, exhaling. ‘… Tony? Are you there?’

‘… Pepper,’ he states in the end, embarrassed at how weak his voice sounds.

‘Tony? Are you okay? Rhodey wouldn’t tell me anything, said he wasn’t allowed to. You are going to get scolded for telling him that, you won’t fool me saying it wasn’t you… Tony? What’s happened? You sound tired. You have been resting, haven’t you?’ she babbles on, making him smile slightly. ‘It’s good to know you are alive’ she adds in a much softer voice.

‘Yeah, I am kind of glad about that, too. I never thought I would say that but it’s refreshing to hear you scolding me already, Miss Potts, how long has it been again?’

‘Three months, and don’t pretend you don’t know,’ she replies and he can _just_ see her rolling her eyes.

‘Yeah, right, that long, who knew, I haven’t seen your face or your gorgeous legs for three months –’ Tony trails off as Rhodey punches him in the shoulder slightly and Tony frowns, not having noticed that the man moved, fuck it, so he waves as the colonel to leave the room and only when the doors click and there is no one but him breathing (short, shallow breaths, the joys of a hole in your chest).

‘Tony? Are you even listening to me?’ Pepper asks, louder, and he can’t bring himself to reply. ‘… What’s wrong, Tony? Now would be good time to tell me, because I can’t recall the last time you’ve gone silent on me for so long and I’m beginning to really worry –’

‘I can’t see,’ he cuts in, mumbling the words as fast as he can, and he’s quite sure no one could understand his words, but this is _Pepper._

‘What?’ she asks, slowly, in a flat voice, and Tony can see her freezing, blinking numbly, staring into space. He doesn’t, he really doesn’t want to repeat that. Ever. (And it’s just the first time.)

‘Can’t see,’ he says again, though, wishing that his voice would sound angry, angry like he felt, and not just so dead.

There is a moment of stunned silence, before Pepper comes to herself.

‘… ohmygod Tony, what do you mean you can’t see? _What_ happened? How?...’

So he tells her – not everything, he’s not sure he’ll be able to talk about anything, some time would be nice first to try to sort it out in his own head – knowing that she’s one of the few people he can trust completely. He tells her vague words about the captivity and she listens, sobbing into the speaker; he cuts it as short as he can before moving on to when he was rescued and what happened within the almost five days.

‘What can I do for you now, Tony?’ she asks in the end, when she’s calmed a bit, breathing almost normally, though he was painfully aware of how scared she sounded.

‘I will come back in three days, two if I can persuade Rhodey to fly me away from the horde of doctors. I don’ want to… I’d like to come back looking like myself. Though Rhodey should be responsible for the looking part…’ Pepper makes a sound that he can’t tell is a sob or a nervous chuckle, so okay, bad jokes are off limits for now. ‘Can you send me one of my suits over here? The most express shipping you can find?’

‘Black one or grey or navy blue?’ she asks, slipping back into bossy mode unconsciously and Tony lets himself breathe freely; maybe maybe maybe she will be okay.

‘It really doesn’t matter – okay, the dark grey one.’

‘How much weight did you lose?’ Pepper asks suddenly, her voice wet, and Tony frowns, thought it was lost on the phone.

‘Huh?’

‘I will have it altered a bit for you, if you want to look presentable – today, it’s still 5 a.m. here – okay?’

 _I am so lucky to have you,_ Tony thinks, _my life would be an incredible mess without you._

‘I don’t know, about fifteen pounds?’ Pepper gasps, but Tony ignores it. ‘And could you… could send me my D&G sunglasses, the black pair, you know?...’ _Let’s be all style, here, if you have no fucking idea about anything else._

‘Of course,’ she replies, breaking into sobs again and Tony bites his lip to blood waiting for her to calm down. ‘I will, Tony. Of course. Anything else?’

‘No, I think that will be all.’

‘Take care of yourself,’ she orders and he thanks her and says goodbye, cutting off the connection before she could start crying again, because he isn’t sure he would be able to stop himself from doing something _embarrassing._

Rhodey comes back and takes the phone, tactfully not asking how did it go, and leaves Tony alone in the room. A doctor comes soon, giving him a dose of painkillers and probably slipping in some slight dormitive as he gives in to sleep with too much ease.

***

The colonel is, as soon as Tony wakes up, persuaded to take him home a bit earlier than the doctors would like. It’s half sympathy, and half someone saying that Tony is healing nicely and there aren’t any strong contraindications against him leaving, as long as he promises to rest – which he does; it gains him a disbelieving look from Rhodey, but in the end they are in the air on an Air Force plane a few hours after Tony gets the package.

First, Rhodey helps him clean himself up and dress into the suit, careful around the after-burn strained skin and his hurt arm, and the arc reactor that is surrounded by still tender scarring; and shaves his face skillfully. Then Tony gets to say an actual goodbye to the bunch of doctors, grumbling under their breaths, and waves at them dismissively (he hopes) as Rhodey pushes the wheelchair into the aircraft.

‘The army will want to debrief you,’ Rhodey tells him at some point, when they are flying over the Atlantic Ocean.

‘I don’t want any debriefs,’ he counters, in half-laying position on a comfortable seat.

‘They will insist.’

‘Fuck them,’ Tony says, done with the matter. _I really don’t give a fuck now, and I have a right not to, okay? I need time. Time and JARVIS, time and JARVIS, JARVIS and time. Thank heavens I’m a genius and I will figure everything out sooner than later,_ he thinks, knowing that it might be as well deceiving himself, but why shouldn’t he be allowed some fool’s hope?

Tony dozes off, genuinely surprised at the amount of sleep he is able to get these days; he suspects Rhodey is observing him all the time but he wouldn’t know; the constant noise makes it impossible to tell anyone’s positions by breathing or steps or other mundane details. As the aircrafts starts to descend, he can feel a lump forming in his throat and it’s discontenting, it’s not something Tony Stark ever experiences. He is anxious and he hates it, but hating doesn’t help much; he asks Rhodey for some water and drinks it quickly, continuing to turn the cool glass round in his hands.

  
When they land and then finally the plane stops, he hands the glass to Rhodey and adjusts his now-probably-slightly-wrinkled suit and puts on a blank face. Rhodey wants to help him to the wheelchair, but Tony fiercely refuses, despite the man’s rational argument that he hasn’t even walked during the last week. _No fucking way I’m going to make Pepper, and everyone else – especially everyone else – see me like that,_ he thinks, though he suddenly feels a wave of nausea when Rhodey helps him to his feet, one arm around his back and the other supporting his good limb; he’s not sure it’s because of changing from horizontal to vertical or because he’s so fucking scared (way, way past just anxious) that he will trip. And fall.

Rhodey keeps him close, though, and leads carefully, whispering commands and information into his ears (watch out, legs up, three steps and then right –) as the plane’s exit opens. Tony feels the fresh land air fills his lungs and fancies that is has this special, special scent.


	2. 2

‘Tony,’ Pepper says simply as they finally approach her (eighty seven steps. eighty seven and a half) and –

‘Hello, boss,’ another voice adds.

– and Happy. Rhodey is still keeping him close, though Tony is feeling better standing up than he might have expected; he doesn’t have time to think anything more before Pepper makes a few tiny steps, the clanking noise of her heels cutting through all the rumble sharply, and throws her arms around him delicately, careful not to hurt his arm or any other place she can see is hurt. Tony inhales the scent of her perfume, he’s never really noticed it before, he’s never had a reason to pay attention to it and now, it was finally something vaguely familiar. And her voice too,  _and the warmth of her skin,_  he thinks, though he’s never had much of that before as he’s has a plenty of other bodies.

Tony wants to make a comment, wants to ask if she’s been crying, jokingly and easily, but he can’t quite make himself say anything and just keeps blinking rapidly, trying not to let the tiny tears, building up in the corners of his  _useless_  eyes, escape. He’s immensely glad that he is wearing the sunglasses; well, he’s always been partial to eyewear, there’ve been enough hangovers to make him hate light sometimes.

And it is a part of being himself, the sunglasses people like to mock – at a party? when it’s dark? – but he doesn’t care much, he just snaps back until they shut up.

(He knew he was going to hate, hate, hate his voice.)

Pepper pulls away finally, leaving Tony to Rhodey’s support, but she doesn’t step back far; he guesses she wants him to  _feel_  her presence, reassuring him that she wasn’t going to disappear. He isn’t sure if he should be thankful or annoyed; he feels strange, as if it wasn’t really happening to him, as if it was a dark nightmare where he just hears voices and then suddenly, hey, you snap out of sleep and smile, seeing your familiar room.

Enough dreams.  _This is the age of darkness_ , he thinks,  _however lame it sounds. Sounds like a bad spin-off of ‘The heart of darkness’. I should come up with something more clever, something more_ me _._

‘Where do you want to go, Tony? Hospital?’

‘No,’ Tony and Rhodey say simultaneously.

‘The doctors cleared him to go as long as he rests, which he said he would, of course neither of us believe him because we know him too well, but could you take care of him for me? I need to stay at the base for a few days, give reports, all the paperwork and the debriefs with my superiors.’

‘Of course,’ Pepper agrees eagerly.

‘I will come as soon as I can,’ Rhodey assures them both and steps away slowly, leaving the space around Tony painfully empty; he suddenly realizes that he is out in the open, there are planes and hangars and people around, a whole endless scene, and the thought makes him shiver visibly; he’s suddenly back to being a young kid who was afraid of walking around the house at night after watching a scary movie, afraid of someone sneaking up on him –

‘I’ve got you, boss,’ Happy’s huge arm is on his back easily, and the man nudges him to move forward slowly. ‘Just a few steps and we are in the car. I took your favourite black Bentley, sir. Thought you’d like that’ he adds as they stop on front of the car and Tony runs his hand across the door’s edge before entering, and inhales the scent of leather and petrol. This  _is_  his black baby.

‘Where to?’ Happy asks again then they are seated inside, music turned off.

‘Home. Just stop by someplace and get me a cheeseburger. I haven’t eaten any normal food for too long,’ he says, though he isn’t sure he can swallow normal food, but it is worth a shot.

‘Are you sure you don’t want to go to hospital?’ Pepper asks quietly when Happy drives off, easily maneuvering on the huge asphalt surface of the airport (Tony knows it’s asphalt, it always is, and it has this smell. Again.)

‘No, no hospitals, I’ve been stuck with those army harpies for much too long thank you,’ he replies on one breath and slumps back in the seat, letting Pepper’s hands fasten his seatbelt as Happy speeds up considerably.

***

When the car pulls up, after about thirty minutes of driving, Happy opens the back door for him and lets in the ocean breeze. It makes Tony feel good – it’s soothing and well-known, the moist air and soft wind and the salty and seeweedy scent. He waits a few moment before moving, inhaling deeply,  _not deep enough_ , he thinks,  _it’s never gonna be enough with the hole in my chest, was Pepper staring at it all the time, it might shine through the shirt, or something._  Pepper’s hands do the reversed set of movements, freeing him from the seatbelt even though he could have done that himself, but he doesn’t mind because it’s Pepper.  _This is going to become the thing, huh, the because-it’s-Pepper thing._

Tony can guess, having known Happy for so long, that the car was parked on the big driveway in front of the main entrance to the house – the one he used mostly when some girls were visiting, since he prefers a smaller one leading to garages and workshop. The mansion is on his right then, with the garages in front, together with a small building where Happy stays when he is needed. The road leading from the main gate to the house, swirly, going along perfectly neat garden – two gardeners, in addition to the two girls who clean the whole place twice a week, Tony has even seen them once or twice – finishing with a fountain just on his left; there is a soft murmur of evermoving water.

‘The burgers, boss,’ Happy says, holding out a hand to Tony and when he gets up, he is handled a cheap paper bag from Burger King. Tony grins at the bigger man and wraps his good hand around it.

‘You can have a few days off’ he informs the chauffeur. ‘I don’t plan to move from here for at least three days. Yes. Get yourself out of here, go find some nice girl and rest in a spa with hot springs, okay? Pepper will give you a call. You can take the car.’

‘Are you sure, boss? You won’t be driving yourself around, almost getting arrested for speed, and if –’

‘I won’t,’ Tony agrees, his back still stuck to the open car door (make it look like he’s just learning back, and not like he doesn’t really  _know_  this place.) ‘I’ll manage. Now get lost, Hogan.’

‘Okay,’ Happy says and moves away; there is Pepper’s hand on his shoulder within a second. He lets go of the car; the door is closed, the machine driving off a second later, juts past Tony, the engine roar disappearing soon and leaving space for obtrusive silence.

‘Let’s get you into the house, Mister Stark,’ Pepper says finally, taking him arm in arm and leading.  _Good there aren’t any stairs by the entrance,_  he thinks _, my feet would end up hurt – the will end up hurt on the workshop staircase, for some time at least._

After taking some steps (twenty seven,  _stop fucking counting_ , he tells himself) they reach the door and he instinctively wants to hold out his hand and press his finger across the scanner, but he manages to flinch only before he remembers that no, that wouldn’t be the best idea. He lets Pepper open the door instead, and lead him inside, a few steps, before closing the door behind them, one hand still touching his elbow.

‘Hey, J, you here?’ he asks into the vast space, the words echoing hollowly.

‘Welcome home, sir,’ JARVIS’ accented voice replied and Tony can’t keep a wide, wide smile out of his face; it feels strange on his still-tender skin and muscles that grew unused to the movement. He wants to let his guard down a little, down for a bit, but then he  _remembers_  he doesn’t have the detailed house layout memorized, there are so many things there he’s never taken into consideration, well, being himself he is the master of looking and not seeing, getting rid of all the junk info inside his brain because all the little details make it just harder to concentrate on the multitude of big ideas filing his head.

‘Good to hear your voice, buddy,’ Tony decides to say in the end, ignoring the embarrassingly sentimental note in his voice.

Pepper takes his arm again and moves to stand in front of him; he can almost feel her scrutinizing gaze she hasn’t allowed herself in the presence of others.

‘You look like a death warmed over, Mister Stark,’ she declares in her business voice. ‘I will have you eating that crap food you insisted on now. You’ve got those fifteen pounds to gain back.’

‘Why, don’t you like my new look, Miss Potts?’ he asks because he is supposed to, even if he doesn’t want to. ‘Besides, how many times did I, as your boss, order you to call me Tony?’

‘First, I do that sometimes, second, you did about ten times every day since we’ve met, and that makes a ridiculous number altogether. Besides, most of your ideas are ridiculous, so I don’t feel obliged to over-concern myself with them.’

‘You wound me,’ he mumbles, but it’s only half-hearted.

Pepper ignores him – she’s learned to ignore him with such an ease that he thought was no fun – and drags him to the kitchen, well, at least he thinks it’s the kitchen, he’s never spent so much time in that particular place, between restaurants, liquor cabinet in the living room, and the mini-kitchen place down in the workshop.

‘Sit,’ she says, putting his hand on the back of a chair and he obliges. ‘Table on left, and start on those horrendous things before I get you something proper.’

Tony finds the table surface, smooth and glossy under his fingers, and sets the bag after taking out one of the burgers, but then he realizes  _how am I supposed to unwrap this from the goddamn paper? One hand and zero eyes?_  He doesn’t say anything though, freezing with the food in his hand, slumping in the chair and trying not to burst out in a series of angry shouts,  _well, isn’t that new?_

He hears Pepper’s heels clicking as she approaches him; she must have had her back turned on him all the time, she wasn’t that far away (ten steps, only  t e n.)

‘… sorry, I forgot – let me help you with that –’ she trails off, taking the burger from his hand and putting it back a few rusting moments later, almost completely unwrapped. ‘I left the paper so nothing falls out’ she informs him and fuck, he is angry; he puts the burger on his lap swiftly and makes an uneven ball out of the paper and tosses it somewhere, then takes the burger again and takes a big, messy bite.

‘I don’t think I care, Miss Potts,’ he says when he swallows.

Pepper sighs deeply but says nothing, just settles something on the table – a glass filled with something, he presumes – and informs him firmly, before leaving the room:

‘Fresh cold orange juice. I’m going to make a call.’

Tony listens to her steps echo in the big place and takes another bite, chewing it ten times more than usually, but it still is painful against his throat, he has no idea why it’s still so sore.

There is one more bite, and another, but then he can feel the food like a lump, making him nauseous and frustrated because he was enjoying the completely horrible taste and hell, he is  _hungry_. He puts the half-eaten food on his lap again, starting to reach out, but his hand freezes in the mid-air as he thinks  _I will just knock the glass, hell, can’t I even have a drink without –_

‘Seventy centimeters to your left, sir. Your nine o’clock’ JARVIS cuts in and Tony follows the instructions, relaxing a little when his fingers curl around the cold glass.

‘Thanks, J,’ he says between sips. The cool liquid feels like a healing balm, sliding down easily to his stomach. ‘Don’t remember writing you protocols for treating people who are  _blind’_  he adds, spitting the last world and cringing at how it sounds coming from his own lips.

 ‘… I learn, sir’ the A.I. replies.

‘You learn?’ Tony asks suspiciously, he knows too well that JARVIS has a bit too much (not, not really) of a personality and conscience sometimes.

‘Miss Potts informed me of your condition, sir, as soon as you called her. She’s been staying in the house since Colonel Rhodes’ information about your retrieval’ the A.I. states, as if he can explain everything, and well, he mostly does.

‘You are such a good boy, J,’ Tony states when finishes the juice and manages to put the glass onto the table and fish out another cheeseburger, tearing the wrapping off in his lap.

‘I try, sir,’ JARVIS informs him seriously, making Tony smirk behind the burger.

***

When he is halfway done with the food in his hand, Pepper comes in, stopping a few steps away from Tony; he can smell her perfume again.

‘I called Mister Stane and asked him to come tomorrow; he will be here in the morning. It’s late afternoon now – I want you in bed –’

‘Wow, Pepper, I didn’t know you had that –’ he starts, wondering if she was blushing.

‘You are an asshole, Mister Stark, and I won’t grace you with a reply – and yes, you will be in bed soon, I have some sleep medicine the doctors approved…’  _Talking to Rhodey behind my back, are we?_  ‘You need rest. I will call for some proper food for breakfast. Do you want to take a shower before sleep? Anything?’ she speaks quickly, not letting him throw in a single word.

‘I’m not going anywhere before going down to the workshop,’ Tony informs her, in a no-nonsense voice, because like hell he isn’t.

‘You need rest,’ she counters, and Tony can understand, he really can (he’s surprised), and he’s more tired than angry at the moment, but the workshop…

‘I need to go down to the workshop. I’ve been in captivity for three months and I think I can do what I want now,’ he replies, tossing the half-eaten burger onto the table and standing up. ‘JARVIS?’

There is a brief moment of silence before the A.I. replies.

‘Turn around, sir, twenty meters to your one o’clock –’

‘JARVIS!’ Pepper snaps, and Tony can imagine her throwing her hands into the air, flushed slightly with anger, oh yes, he knows the drill so well. ‘We had a talk –’

‘I am sorry, Miss Potts, but I consider this a valid query.’

There is a moment of stunned silence when Tony doesn’t reply with some snide comment or a indecorous joke, he doesn’t even talk back with ‘hey, see, my A.I. is the best’ kind of remark. Pepper seems to accept that no, he won’t yield before he’s been into the workshop, as her arm finds its way to his.

‘Just this once,’ she says and Tony nods, following her. They walks across the kitchen, a hall, the living room – the mini waterfall shimmers softly, muffling a bit their footsteps’ noises – and Pepper stops, making him halt too, in front of the staircase.

‘There are –’

‘– twenty nine steps, why thank you J, buddy, I know that much,’ Tony cuts in and Pepper moves slowly, guiding him down; when they reach the flat surface of the basement floor she exhales deeply. Tony shrugs away from her touch, taking three big steps to his three o’clock; he knows this part of the house well enough (every inch of it by heart.) JARVIS opens the door automatically and he enters, with Pepper two steps behind but he doesn’t really care; he takes five more steps into the workshop and stops there and a moment later there are three cold metal beings pressing their mechanical arms against Tony; his fingers run naturally over the surfaces of their bodies, petting them delicately as they whirl and chirp happily.

‘Daddy’s home,’ he whispers into the familiar space; he hears Pepper gasping but he can’t bring himself to care, because finally,  _finally_  they are all together. The cold metal is just pressing against his skin, but he knows that soon enough there will be a lot of wordless inquires.

***

Tony doesn’t move and neither does Pepper, for a few precious minutes when his fingers caress the bots, making him feel more real than he’s felt in months, or years, or ever; making him feel needed and wanted and happy, making a warm feeling spread inside his body. He wishes, for once, that JARVIS had a real body so he could hug the A.I., instead of just letting him watch the physical interaction through the his cameras and thermal scanners.  _I really wish I could hug you here, buddy_ , Tony thinks, knowing that JARVIS knows – he is too keen on reading Tony for his own good – and not wanting to talk about that in front of Pepper because well, there are some thing that are only him and the bots, like family secrets.

‘Gotta go, buddies. I will come as soon as I can. Clean the place for me,’ Tony orders them; it is easier to focus their attention on something to make them let him go. The bots uncertainly detach themselves and move, making noises that are sweet music to Tony’s ears, and start working, though he is sure the workshop has been made immaculate under JARVIS’ supervision.

‘Pepper?’ Tony says, turning around to face her where he thought she was.

‘Shower now? To the bathroom?’

Tony doesn’t even feel like making dirty jokes now, so he says, gaining a tired sigh:

‘No, I will go to bed now, if my mother hen insists.’

 _Wow, water is going to be a thing for some time now_ , he realizess as she leads him up; he forgets to count the steps, his mind still downstairs; his foot meets and empty space he thought was another step and he stumbles a little, but Pepper’s arm grabs him and helps him regain balance.

‘Steady, here…’

***

They reach the master bedroom a few minutes later, going through a labyrinth of room again, living room – a hall – the entrance space – another hall – an open library (Tony never uses the library, but Pepper insisted she had to have space to keep some of his father’s book, and more likely, paperwork folders, he’s not sure, he never glances at the shelves), another sitting area, and finally his room. Well, he wouldn’t call it ‘his’ so much, ‘lovers’ room’ would probably be a better name, or ‘sex room’, since he much prefers sleeping on the best couch of the universe that is down in the workshop, of course.

Pepper leaves to get him the sleeping pills and water; brushes his teeth and washes his face with a few sprays of lukewarm water – the sunglasses in a safe place, feeling kind of naked without them, he puts them on quickly, telling himself  _you don’t give a fuck about being ridiculous, do you?_ ; then he undresses from the probably-dirty suit and puts on a silk pajamas, making his way around the cast; again yeah, let’s all be style.

***

Tony is sitting in the bed, the covers over his legs – JARVIS navigated him around the area – when Pepper enters, walking quickly and handing him a small plastic cup that holds the pills, then water; he drinks the cold liquid avidly and she takes the glass from his hand. He takes off the sunglasses and hands them into the space; they disappear from his grasp a moment later.

‘Can I as you a question, Tony?’ Pepper inquires and shit, that makes Tony uncomfortable because she never ever asks. And his name.

‘Shoot.’

‘… are you going to wear those sunglasses all the time now?’ she says in a small voice and  _fuck_ ,  _I hope she’s not about to break out crying on me here…_

‘Yeah, maybe, who knows, it’s so my style,’ he rants easily ‘I’ve been wearing sunglasses enough to make the gossip magazines call me the man with the sexiest fashion quirk last year –’

‘Because your eyes still look, you know, the same.’

Okay, that one leaves him speechless, and makes him shiver slightly.

‘I don’t know,’ he replies a few moments later, his voice softer than he would like. Pepper doesn’t say anything, just pulls up the covers around him and takes a step back to turn around and leave, but Tony’s hand grabs her wrist.

‘… Pepper?’ Tony says uncertainly, because he’s going to say something he doesn’t really want to say; he hates being weak (‘if you whine again, boy, I will not be as lenient as this time’ drilled into his head, coming back when he desperately doesn’t want it to) but the prospective of staying alone in the big cold empty room, filled with blackness, falling asleep to the darkness and waking up to the darkness, and silence – he’s not really sure he can do that, he’s not sure he wants to. So he lets the words out in defeat. ‘Could you… could you stay with me? Just for tonight? I don’t think –’ he trails off, hanging his head down as if he was looking at his lap.  _As if_.

‘I will stay,’ Pepper answers and he voice is surprisingly steady. ‘Let me just disappear for a moment, I need to call Rhodes and grab the tablet, I’ve got some important things to do for yesterday.’

‘Okay.’

She comes back ten minutes later; the music Tony asked JARVIS to play in the meantime dies down immediately and he rolls to his side sleepily, instinctively turning towards where Pepper is. She’s barefoot, heels’ clicking gone; he hears a slight rustle of papers and a slight thud when she puts the tablet on the night tablet, then drags a comfy armchair from the corner of the room to the bed, and then he falls into an oblivious slumber.

***

Pepper wakes him up and informs him it’s seven in the morning; Tony isn’t even surprised anymore with how long he can be asleep these days.

‘Do you need help dressing up?’ she asks him when he sits up in the bed, slowly, slowly,  _you don’t want to get dizzy in font of Pepper, she’s got enough worries with you already._

‘No, I’ll manage,’ he replies, the question if she is staring at his shining chest coming back despite the efforts to thing about something – anything – else. Pepper says nothing, she might have nodded instinctively before walking out of the room, but Tony wouldn’t know.

‘J?’ he states into the air, standing up, and JARVIS’ voice guides him to the bathroom where he is instructed into fresh clothes that Pepper must have left for him, jeans and a soft shirt. He doesn’t need a suit for the talk with Obie.

‘Tell Pepper I am ready,’ Tony tells the A.I. when he is done. No shower, he knows he’ll  have to take one eventually, hell, he was forced without too much whining into a bath by Rhodey at the military base (thought he was half-conscious at the time, and now he’s painfully aware of everything.) But it isn’t the time yet, he decides.  _There will be plenty of time._

Pepper leads him to the kitchen again, asking him to seat on the chair before putting a plate in front of him.

‘It was delivered just five minutes ago, still warm. Sorry, I didn’t feel like cooking today.’

Tony doesn’t reply since his mouth is stuffed with a perfect warm sandwich, cleverly made small enough for him to grab it with one hand and not spill the contents all over his new clothes. He can taste bacon, sharp cheddar – of course Pepper knows his favorites – French mustard, lettuce, mayo… It seems like the bets food e v e r (thought ever doesn’t feel like so long, since everything  _before_  is just a movie in his head.)

‘Mister Stane will be here around nine, he said. He wasn’t very glad I told him not to come yesterday.’

‘Of course he wasn’t,’ Tony says after swallowing the last bit of the third small sandwich; he really wants another and another, comes with not being sure when the next food will be given to him (rice, rice, rice), but his stomach is already starting to hurt. Of course, everything requires time, he knows, but feelings don’t really take rationality into consideration. ‘That’s Obie, he likes things done his way’ he adds, brushing crumbs off his fingers.

‘Mhm,’ Pepper agrees absently;  _must be doing some work on her tablet again_ , he thinks, hopeful that she’s not giving him a pitying stare instead. Good she’s too business-oriented for sentiments like that, besides, she’s probably done her share of staring when he was asleep.

‘Do you need anything from me now?’ she asks a few minutes later, standing up and putting the dishes onto another counter, making some rattling porcelain noise.

‘What time is it?’

‘Three minutes past eight, sir,’ JARVIS replies in a smooth voice.

‘Obie will me here soon,’ Tony comments, running his hand through the messy hair.

‘Of course he will, so demanding,’ Pepper murmurs, but Tony catches her words and grins in agreement. He is sure the man is simply concerned, too, thinking that Tony was dead for such a long time – he’s always cared more than Howard, that’s for sure.

‘J, pull up a news feed for me? Doesn’t matter which.’

‘As you wish,’ JARVIS replies and plays BBC, making Tony think  _oh, you smartass,_ and rolling his ey– fuck, rolling his eyes? He doesn’t even know. That’s like, really awkward. 

Tony ends up listening to random info; nothing about his miraculous rescue so far though he knows there’s been a statement released to the media, short and up-to-point Pepper-y statement, he’s sure. The assistant has disappeared somewhere; she must have endless phone calls and emails to respond to now, all about him, is Mister Stark this, is Mister Stark that, when, how, where and so on, so on; he almost feels sorry for Pepper even though she knows how to handle it all perfectly. Much better than he would. He would just say something inappropriate and make all the media buzz and call him crazy, like usually.

***

Obadiah comes into the kitchen at eight thirty three and Tony is surprised the man lasted so long.

‘Tony,’ he starts, moving closer. ‘My boy,’ he adds and suddenly, Tony is swooped into an quick, strong embrace, a manly embrace of course. ‘Good to see you on your feet.’

Tony doesn’t say ‘well, not really, since I’m sitting on my ass, here’, though he kind of wants to. Instead he gives the man a small smile.

‘Good to be back.’

‘Why didn’t you go to the hospital? I thought I would meet you there. You seem pretty banged up… Is that true, what Colonel Rhodes told me? About the –’ (a moment of panic,  _how does he know about the arc reactor? Rhodey swore he wouldn’t –_  but then he realizes it’s about something else.)

‘Yes, it is,’ Tony cuts in, wondering if Obie really couldn’t notice that something was wrong with him, if Pepper was right that his eyes looks just normal, his gaze normal despite… well. Despite.

‘That’s too bad,  Tony, that’s so unfortunate… If I can help you somehow? You should take some time off from work, I will take care of the company, do not worry about it. Okay? Is that okay?’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees, knowing that he would have to do that if he wanted or not. Vacation. He doesn’t like vacation, he’s too much of a workaholic for vacation; what kind of free time is it anyway when he can’t even have a party? Well. He’d like a party, he’d like lots and lots of alcohol, getting wasted and waking up and realizing that it’s been just a hellish dream.

 _Not good when you find yourself laughable_ , he scolds himself.  _This is reality now. This is reality, and nothing else. No before and no after._

‘… listening to me, Tony?’ he hears Obie almost shouting into his ear and shrugs.

‘Yes, whatever, do what you want now, I’m taking some time off, let’s agree I need that now.’

‘… there is one more thing, though,’ Stane says, with his arm grasping firmly Tony’s good shoulder; it’s feels hot, hot like the sun, and for a split of a second Tony can feel  _that_  heat in his throat and eyes and burning in his body, but he shakes the feeling off with a headshake and a bored sigh.

‘What thing?’ he asks obediently, suddenly wondering where has Pepper disappeared. She doesn’t like Obie too much and Obie thinks she is too bossy and confident for her own good, for a PA, but neither of them really cares about the other’s opinion. Pepper’s too polite to argue with Stane though; sometimes Tony wishes she would, that’d be spectacular.

‘There wasn’t anything about your… disability in the official statement about your retrieval. Don’t you think it’s a bit, for the last of better word, unfair? You know what I mean, I mean the Board has its rights, and people might see the company differently with this – situation.’

Tony frowns at that; he’s aware every of those words are true, though it still hurts to acknowledge them (fresh fresh wounds.)

‘I will have Pepper make another statement soon…. Give me a day, okay? I need to think. I only just got up, really, today. Is that good?’

‘Of course, of course… Just do it soon, no point in putting it off in time. We all deserve honesty about this, right?

‘Sure, sure,’ he cringes a bit; Obie pats him on the back heartily and walks away and out of the room without a word of goodbye.

***

Tony sits still for a few minutes, voice from the news unmuted by JARVIS; there is a minute of information about him: ‘Where is Anthony Stark now? We know he’s been transported to the USA yesterday, a week after the Air Force soldiers found him in and Afghan desert. Other than a vague statement from Stark Industries Public Relations Department we have no information; military officers are refusing to give answers…’

‘J, where is Pepper?’ he asks the A.I. tiredly.

‘Miss Potts is in the library, going through some paperwork, sir.’

‘Oh. You’ve got me surprised here, JARVIS,’ Tony murmurs under his breath, waving his hand in the air and the tv is back to mute, or turned off. No difference.

‘Shall I ask her to come to you?’

‘Nah, no need,’ he replies, standing up slowly; he already knows this: turn around and walk to your one o’clock, so he tries that, but before he brings himself to take five slow steps, he hears Pepper’s heels echoing in the hall. ‘Traitor’ he states into space and a few seconds later there is Pepper’s hand on his forearm.

‘I promised Rhodey I would have you resting so you’re going to your bedroom now –’

‘I actually wanted to get there,’ Tony informs her and she goes silent (gaping?)  _J, we need a serious talk, here, you’ll need to be some help_ , he adds in his mind.  _Sometime. With no one listening._

‘Oookay,’ she says uncertainly and guides him to the bedroom, leaving only when he’s secure amongst the silk bedding and numerous pillows.

‘J, you here?’ he asks, laying on his side, knees drawn to chest, eyes closed – it was just weird now, closing and opening them, he kept feeling as if he was doing something inappropriate.

‘Always, sir.’

‘Good boy,’ Tony says warmly.

For some time the room is almost silent, with an occasional rustle of fabrics on a random noise coming muffled from outside,  _must be windy_ , Tony thinks, but he doesn’t feel up to asking the A.I. for clarification.  _Maybe if the sun was up I would feel it, with all the windows_ , he wonders, though he’s never cared to pay attention to that particular detail before. A glance outside was enough; now, it’s time to learn to read the weather by lazy sunrays crawling up his skin when it’s nice (and it doesn’t sound too good), time to learn to count hours differently. If he could stand the sun without freaking out, he’d probably stay outside all days, to feel the minutes pass by with the movement of the star, apparent magnitude –26,74, of course.

Then suddenly, he is  _aware_  of the whole unknown space behind his back, just like when Rhodey left him standing in the open; Tony tenses, his heart starts to race, droplets of sweat run down his forehead and temples – he turns to lay on his back violently, the sore arm hurts but fuck it, feeling a real fabric, a tangible thing pressing against his skin is blissful. He lays like that for some time, trying to calm his breathing and telling JARVIS not to call Pepper – thank you, he’ll manage, ‘no, J, I’m good here’ countered with the A.I.’s ‘of course’ that is mix of annoyance and worry.

***

When Pepper comes with lunch, he is lying in the same position in which he’s been for the previous four hours; sitting up makes him dizzy for a moment, but he just puts on an trademark grin. He drinks the soup from a huge mug when it’s lukewarm, not wanting it to burn his throat too much; it’s a carrot and coriander one that Pepper usually tries to make him eat when he’s sick. Or hangover. Or both.

‘Obie insisted we make a statement concerning my… physical state. I think we should,’ Tony tells Pepper when she takes the empty mug from his hand.

‘That would seem accurate, from the PR point of view. And legal,’ Pepper agrees, but then makes a brief pause before adding ‘do you… do you think you are ready for that?’

‘Sure, why not, that’ll be fun,’ he replies (too) easily, aware of the disapproving or disbelieving look that Pepper must be giving him, so he just grins wider, even though he knows too well that those tricks stopped working on her like years ago.

‘I will draw something up and show you later – there is still million things I should have done for yesterday…’

‘I’ll be well-behaved here, Boy Scout’s honor,’ he assures her and Pepper disappears again, already on the phone as she’s closing the door.

He is all alone after that, again, with JARVIS playing some music quietly because the silence seems to get on Tony’s nerves, especially when he’d rather he  _doing something_ , his hands, his whole body itches to move, to act, to work –

But he knows he won’t be able to work, not really, and it makes him want to break something really badly (makes him almost, almost feel like crying with helplessness). No arc-reactor-in-cave kind of revolutionizing the world’s science. No nothing that fucking counts. No  _living._ Not with the sand still embedded under his eyelids, in his skin, in his brain.  _It can’t work._

‘It can’t work,’ he says aloud, remembering that it’s only him and JARVIS, and him and JARVIS is safe. And the other bots, since they do not have voice protocols. ‘It won’t work.’

JARVIS wisely stays silent, letting Tony gather his thoughts and voice them when (if) he is ready.

***

Pepper comes with dinner and a note about his ‘accident and its after-effects’ that contains all kinds of polite and proper phrases like ‘we regret to inform you that…’, ‘unfortunately, this led to…’, ‘we are with Mister Stark in this difficult situation…’, ‘all decisions will be made when…’ and so on, finishing with Pepper’s finest – and surprisingly executable, if you are her – ‘we will not take any questions at this time.’ Classy.

Tony accepts the text and promises Pepper he is going to watch – l i s t e n  t o – the press conference, already scheduled at 11 a.m. the next day.  _That’s my girl_.

Pepper leaves him to undress and clean himself up – yes, he is going to take a proper shower, or a bath, just not today – and when he’s in bed, she’s back with sleep meds; he tries to protest but she doesn’t even let him finish his sentence. Tony gives in eventually and washes down the pills with cool water.

‘I need to grab a book,’ Pepper informs him simply and hey,  _I love it when you are reading my mind_ is quickly followed in his head by  _fuck, I’m not going to depend on Pepper to fall asleep, am I? I’m a functioning adult. That’s – that’s so not happening._

He’s sure it isn’t, but there is one other thing –

‘I’m gonna need your help, J,’ Tony states as soon as she’s out of the room.

‘What do you need me to do?’

‘Go through the SI legal dept database. Be ready for tomorrow morning – I need you to look for the rules for appointing my successor as CEO.’

 

 


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this part deals with PTSD and torture aftermath, so it might be triggery.  
> It was hard to write and I am unsure and anxious about it, so please tell me if it is believable, I’m afraid of over-doing things.

It’s six and he’s already awake, he’s been for maybe half an hour; he’s been trying not to think about the fact that if he wants to get out of it, he needs to sit up and stand, then take uncertain steps around (he knows the numbers already, of course he knows the numbers), with his good arm outstretched pathetically looking  for some kind of support, some surface that he can trace not to feel like in the middle of a black hole. It doesn’t help much, knowing that it’s  a summer morning, nice weather, bright and lovely – it could be the middle of the night. _That’s going to be repetitive_ , he thinks. _I hate thinking about the same stuff for too long. Too boring. I can’t stand boring, that’s the big problem. I am physically unable to stand boring and doing nothing._

(He’ll learn.)

Pepper comes at seven sharp, he’s sure, though seeing him awake she doesn’t offer information about what time it is, just asks him if he wants food before cleaning himself up or after.

‘I can get my own food,’ he spats, not knowing where it came from, and regrets it immediately. They both know it’s such a lie.

‘You’ve never been able to get your own food,’ Pepper points out and _fuck, of course she is right_ , _remember every single time she dragged me out of the workshop for a meal, or brought  one when I blatantly refused to get out of the room. Of course._

Tony grumbles something in response, but gets up and goes to the bathroom when she leaves. It feels as if her presence made the strange shadows hovering over his shoulders go away.

He doesn’t get into the shower, very aware that soon he is going to reek, if it continues like that, but he doesn’t want Pepper to know something is wrong. Because nothing is, really; t _ime, I’m already running out of the fucking time._ And Tony isn’t a person for waiting.

***

The breakfast is quiet and boring; Tony munches his food mechanically, it’s the tiny sandwiches again and he stops himself again after third, almost daring Pepper to scold him for eating too little for a man like he is. She says nothing and he’s more relieved than he’d have expected, because lying to Pepper would unmistakably lead to the ‘something-is-wrong’ talk.

‘I will be leaving soon,’ she tells him apologetically when they finish eating. ‘I need to go to the office before the press conference and leave some documents. But I will come back as soon as I can. Oh, and Rhodey texted me that he will come tomorrow in the evening, alright?’

‘Yeah, perfect,’ Tony replies swiftly.

‘Don’t do anything stupid while I’m out’ she orders him, gaining a distracted nod.

Back in the bedroom, Pepper leaves him a soup in one of SI-manufactured cups that keeps temperature up to 12 hours without more than 2 degree drop, and reminds JARVIS to take care of ‘sir’, making Tony roll his eyes (oh?) and clench his fists so hard his knuckles go totally white instead.

‘J, you’ve got the info?’ Tony asks the A.I. from the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. He was very eager to dismiss the dull ache in his chest, _all around_ in his chest, with all the other pain distracting him since he – woke up, after the desert, or maybe since he woke up to see Yinsen’s face ( _stop stop stop fucking thinking about_ that) – yeah. But now, when his skin almost healed, the hunger in his gut i disappearing; when his fractured arm and sprained shoulder are getting better, probably good enough to free it from the medical equipment soon; when he feels the silk and not sand under the surface of his skin – now the only sensation he’s left with is the ache in his chest. Lungs twisted and squeezed, the heart moved to side and making his ribs almost hurt with its soft, constant beating in the wrong unused place, the scarring that looks okay on the outside but goes all around the arc reactor and he can feel them being pulled and stretched every time he moves.

 _I’d really love to drink myself to unconsciousness_ , he thinks, _though pain meds  and passing out could be just as good._

(The ache is never going to stop, he knows.)

‘Sir?’ the A.I.’s voice catches his attention and he realizes he must have spaced out. ‘Do you want me to cite you the legal facts?’

‘Shoot.’

‘According to the information I checked, you are allowed to appoint your successor at any given time, there are no requirements as to the person’s formation, experience or background. It requires you merely stating your choice in speech, later confirmed by the lawyers with right documents and your impression.’

‘Ookay, good that they do not need my signature for this – oh, hut how am I supposed to know is it’s the right documents they give me?’

‘I have no reply for that.’

‘Hasn’t been as issue before, hmm? Well, look for a way to resolve this sometime soon.’

‘I will start immediately.’

‘Good boy,’ Tony replies out of habit.

***

It’s over an hour of Tony tossing in bed before the press conference starts. JARVIS pulls up the feed without instruction and Tony concentrates on Pepper’s calming voice, saying all the things she prepared the night before, making her words sound apologetic and sad but firm when she informs the public there will be no questions; listening, Tony keeps wondering if she was reading it or if she learned it by heart. When she’s done, he fancies she can hear the echo of her shoes in the speakers, but there is such a rumor of shouting voices that he must have imagined that.

‘Turn it off,’ he tells the A.I. and all sounds immediately cease.

‘Do you want me to follow the media and stock response, sir?’

‘Whatever,’ Tony murmurs in reply.

(He already knows what he _has to_ do, but he’d much much prefer to put the decision off for as long as possible.) Going to the workshop sounds like a perfect idea, he has missed it – misses it more than he could have imagined, and being so close makes it ever worse. He’s not sure how the bots are, all alone down there, knowing that he is back but not having him close; they must be panicking, they must think he’s not going back for another three months which is an endless period for them since they have no other thing to occupy themselves with but the creating unit. When he’s not there, it is emptiness, and even JARVIS being there doesn’t help because he is just a phantom. The bots must feel useful to maintain sanity – _really, are we trying to ascribe_ that _to bots now?_ – they need action. _Yes. It’s been much too long._

So Tony gets up from the bed slowly and when his hand finds the night stand, he remembers the soup he was supposed to have for lunch and drinks it in a few greedy gulps; it’s still warm enough to make his mouth feel numb for a moment. His back and chest and shoulder hurt steadily, the pain dull and pulsating; he pushes it into the depths of his mind quietly.

‘J, give me the route to the workshop,’ he states when he finally stands up, not dizzy this time, bravo, a new accomplishment, a new Scout’s badge.

‘I’m afraid I can’t help you with that,’ the A.I. replies smoothly and Tony can feel raising anger. _What. The. Fuck._

‘Oh, how so?’ he asks in the same smooth tone, trying not to think about everything that is (is?) around him that he doesn’t know; the more he tries to forget, the more it comes to his mind. Of course.

‘First of all, Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes would have my head if something happened to you, or if they learned that I disobeyed them concerning an order that I was given for the sake of your own good. Moreover, I find it risky to guide you all that way when you are still recovering and visibly in pain. And finally – do not worry yourself about Dummy and Butterfingers and You, they are doing well now. You might have underestimated them, sir.’

‘You don’t have a head,’ Tony feels obliged to point out, more spitting than saying the words. ‘And I do not underestimate my bots. I just know how they work because I fucking wrote their codes.’

‘They are learning entities,’ JARVIS reminds him, the voice slightly scolding, _can he really do that?_ ‘They have you, sir, for primary example, but there is also Miss Potts and me.’

‘You know what, J?’ he pauses for a second. ‘Fuck this. Fuck you and Pepper and Rhodey and your overreacting. I’m not some fragile porcelain suddenly. I can’t fucking see and we’ll going to have to find a way around it, won’t we? I can’t bear coddling, you know I can’t, you’ve seen me and Pepper fight about it enough times, you learning entity! Haven’t you? I can do this, it’s just walking, moving my legs! Don’t you dare to tell me I can’t do it!’ he shouts, his chest hurting at the end from the tensing of his muscles and too-deep breaths.

‘… are you all right, sir? Shall I call Miss Potts?’

‘No calling. And shut up. I’m angry at you here.’

‘As you wish.’

The room goes completely silent, a hollow echo of the computerized voice’s words ringing in Tony’s ears. _Okay, so maybe no workshop for today, I’m not going to stumble around this too-fucking-big place with my one good arm looking for walls and waving in the darkness. I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this! J, you traitor_ , he keeps thinking, although he is fully aware that they all have his well-being in mind. He can even understand (a surprise here, again.)

He misses those cold metal bodies so much. They are like the most familiar element in this whole black puzzle.

After a few moments of standing in the middle of the room helplessly, shoulders slumped, the anger rising and boiling, boiling is his blood, he turns his attention to something else than the bots and decides that he’s not going to play _that_ stupid game anymore. No way.

‘J, bathroom?’ Tony asks, his voice steady and he is proud.

‘Eight meters to your eight o’clock. May I inquire about what you are going to do, sir?’

‘Just a long-due fun,’ he replies and he can _feel_ the A.I.’s confusion. ‘A shower’ he clarifies, leaving out everything that this little word is suddenly associated with; there is no need for precautions and warning because there are no secrets between him and JARVIS; the A.I. knows everything. Secrets are kept from everyone else, staying inside the family (like that about time when he was nineteen – but only Dummy is old enough to remember it, though Tony is not sure that it’s actually possible – but the bot is, well, unpredictable.)

Tony goes through all the routine slowly: taking a piss – sitting down was something new, hmmm – brushing his hair and teeth and rubbing his chin, feeling the three-day hair and wondering if he is going to have his goatee done every morning by someone else or not at all. _I don’t know about clean-shaven_ , he thinks, _could do the trick for a new season. But it’d be like saying, hey, the poor me here can’t even shave – not something we’re aiming for, right?_

***

The procrastinating takes him almost half an hour, and most of it is even legitimate, but then he’s faced with the fact that he’s running out of things to do.

‘I am being ridiculous, aren’t I?’ he asks into space, starting to take off his clothes, dropping them easily on the floor; he’s checked and there is a fresh set waiting. Taking socks off makes his body hurt strangely as he bends down, then his forearm brushes against the arc reactor bulge and it sends cold shivers down his spine. In the end he manages to be out of all clothing, standing on the cold marble floor of the bathroom, with soft waves of warm but fresh-scented air engulfing him, _thanks J, thanks._

‘I am not sure what you mean,’ JARVIS replies but Tony doesn’t think he is up to explaining. ‘Do you mean your apparent sudden aversion to personal hygiene?’

‘Very funny,’ Tony spats, fully aware that he is overreacting. P a t h e t i c.

So after three deep breaths and reminding himself _stop being like this_ , _what, are you now unable to do as much as a simple fucking shower?_ he turns around violently and takes the few steps towards the shower, stepping into it, the porcelain under his feet burningly cold.

( _If you don’t do this now you’ll never –_ )

‘Water, J,’ he orders and clenches his jaw in an angry anticipation, almost daring; a split of second later it hits his body, a warm-but-not-hot, perfectly chosen stream, and wow, he can do that, it’s just a simple mundane stuff, he is okay, he is Tony fucking Stark, he can do that –

But when the water hits the face, running down his nape and delicately massaging his skin in a completely harmless and unobtrusive manner (he is so aware of that, rationally) – _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_! There suddenly is an image in front of his eyes, how cruel is that?; it’s more of a messy blur of the terrorists’ faces and their brown and white-clad bodies, all around; then a bucket of cold black water, with rays of light seeping through the thick plastic – water down his throat, water in his esophagus and trachea and bronchi and in his ears and eyes and everywhere; _cold cold cold, shouldn’t the water be burning me, being so hot, oh hell the steam, my skin is – is my skin red, it must be all red and sore, breathe breathe breathe_ ; he knows he’s panicking, he knows it’s crazy but he can’t help it; there suddenly is a multitude of stars shining around him (not making the darkness any brighter, oh no) and he’s not sure if they are real or if he’s just imagining them; he’s not sure his brain can even play tricks like that – the  w a t e r  is everywhere, he’s back _there_. The last ten days feel unreal, fuck his mind for screwing with him like that, he’s going to die oh fuck _they are going to do_ that _this time –_

the stream stops abruptly and some voice is talking to him, but he can’t concentrate on it, the ringing and the murmur of running water too loud in his ears; he crouches, his back finding support in some cold glossy surface; his mind is clouded and there are still words being said to him in a language that’s not his own so he puts his hands over his ears; he can feel his bones prodding sharply in a few places and the reactor (reactor? what happened to the battery –) pressing against his thighs, it’ll leave a perfectly round imprint on his skin, or a bruise. He stays like that for what feels somewhere between Planck time and a light-year; he can feel tears running down his face – they are salty when he licks them off his lips. His legs are going numb but he can’t move into more comfortable postion, _can’t_ move, so he stays all naked on the shower tray, maybe trembling, he’s not sure anymore –

– and that’s how Pepper (why is she _here?_ ) finds him.

‘Ohmygod Tony, are you okay? JARVIS, what is going on?’ Pepper says with panic in her voice and it draws a bit of Tony’s attention. He doesn’t move though, he’s not sure if he’d be able to move with his body freezing like that – he can hear Pepper and the A.I. exchange some words but it all seems blurry and muffled to understand. So he focuses on breathing.

Pepper’s hand suddenly appears on his shoulder and he shrugs it off violently; he _can’t_ bear it right now. He can’t – (‘I will see my family when I leave here, and you, Stark?’)

‘Tony, calm down, please, calm down,’ Pepper’s voice drills into his head with a constant stream of words. ‘Tony, please, you’re here calm down, I’m with you…’ she goes on for some time, Tony doesn’t know for how long, but when her hand touches his body again he accepts it, and a moment later Pepper is by his side, embracing him delicately, loose strands of her hair tickling his neck. ‘Tony, are you with me now? Let’s get you to bed, okay? Can you do that?’

He shakes his head. Simple. _Go away, go away, go away –_

‘Okay,’ he hears Pepper saying; she lets go of him for a second, there is a noise of something tossed on the marble floor – he realizes it’s her shoes – and she’s back sitting by him, with her arm around his back and resting head on his shoulder. ‘Okay, Tony. Okay. Breathe. We have time.’

 _No, we don’t, no time, not enough time, I have to do so much I need to change –_ (‘don’t waste your life’) – _I have to_ –

‘Tony Tony Tony Tony…’ she whispers his name like a litany and Tony focuses just on her voice and nothing else.

‘P’per,’ he says at some point, words rough for no reason, and she tenses a bit. It feels like waking up slowly, his brain finally catching up with the fact that no, he isn’t half across the world, he is safe, he is in his house – he is naked, curled, with the arc rector visible and the scars too, and all other marks of the past three months and before, and his ribs and vertebrae sticking out – oh fuck, he isn’t supposed to let anyone see him like this, not even Pepper, and it is painful to realize – how he _hates_ himself for this – he takes a deep breath, goosebumps all over his skin, and flinches, but Pepper doesn’t let him go.

‘Tony, you need to tell me what is wrong,’ she says a few minutes later; he stops breathing for a moment. _No._

‘Nothing,’ Ton says as firmly as he can manage.

‘This isn’t nothing.’

He has no reply.

‘How am I supposed to help you when I don’t know what’s wrong?’

‘Maybe I don’t need your help!’ he snaps, shrugging violently, and this time her body moves away; he doesn’t let himself be disappointed. Yeah, perfect, make _everyone_ go. (‘… and you, Stark?’)

‘No, because I find you naked unresponsive, you are apparently doing so well!’ Pepper retorts angrily. But – knowing that she’s so right doesn’t make it easier. ‘Okay, I’m sorry, that was too much’ she adds in a much softer voice. Tony hears her taking a few steps, stopping, and walking some more, then, suddenly, there is a soft warm towel being wrapped around his back and arms.

Tony wants to say ‘no, it wasn’t too much, you are right’ but he can’t make himself (‘if you admit your weaknesses, they will tear you apart,’ that’s another lessons he’s been taught before he could calculate functions.)

‘Tell me when you are ready to get up,’ she says, staying next to Tony, but not close enough for him to feel her skin’s warmth; it’s only steady breaths as an indication of her presence (ten less per minute that he has to do to provide enough oxygen – _stop fucking counting_ ). Tony feels a soothing feeling spread over his body with the towel around his skinny figure; it feels secure and comforting and he’s not feeling so exposed, exposed to all of the stares he can’t be aware of – _you are at home, at home!_

‘Pepper?’ he says finally, giving up, his voice so pathetically weak; he wishes he could at least lash out in anger, yes, that would make sense.

Her breaths disappear.

A moment later she’s back and she’s helping him to stand up; Tony’s legs hurt from sitting in the crouched position for so long and it takes him a few moments to regain balance, Pepper’s hands steadying him.

‘Put this on,’ she says and takes the blanket off, offering a warm cotton dressing gown that hugs his body softly from his nape down to his knees. He is led to the bed, small steps, and tucked it; the silk feels cold and sleek against his bare calves and feet and he’s glad it’s not warm (not hot, like the sun-sweating sand he was walking on –)

He feels the mattress move under Pepper’s weight next to him; neither of them says anything. Tony tries to count seconds – minutes – hours, but he fails after two hundred seventy something.

***

Time passes, but Tony has no means of checking the hour without breaking the silence what he doesn’t feel like doing at all.

So Pepper is the one to speak, in the end.

‘Tony, can we talk?’

_There is nothing to talk about._

‘Tony?

_There is nothing to talk about._

‘Tony, talk to me? You are scaring me.’

_There is nothing to talk about._

‘Tony? Please?’ she adds so, so quietly.

_There is nothing –_

‘JARVIS, call James,’ she states firmly, and that is too much.

‘No,’ Tony cuts in. ‘No. J, no calls. In fact, block all calls– block all access to the house.’

‘What are you doing, Tony?’ Pepper asks and it hurts to hear her pained, frightened voice; Tony feels like a monster for making her sound like that, for making the unbreakable woman so fragile. ‘Override –‘

‘Cancel overrides,’ he snaps.

‘I believe it’s not in your best interests, sir,’ the A.I. comments easily and Tony wishes he would at least feel angry, okay, no anger? he can pretend. He’s been mastering his act since he was old enough to understand how _certain_ things worked (Howard, Howard, the world, Howard…)

‘I didn’t ask you for a comment, J. Proceed.’

‘Very well, sir,’ the artificial voice surrounds him, and its cold tone makes Tony shiver.

‘I think you are crossing a line here, Mister Stark,’ Pepper states and gets up, starting to pace around the room, her footsteps echoing hollowly. _Everything sounds hollow here. Lifeless._   ‘If you haven’t noticed, I’m trying to help you. And you are not letting me. All you tell me is lies and you’ve never lied to me, you were very happy to tell me too much on various occasions, with painful honesty, and now? It scares me. And what are you doing now – trying to lock yourself out, not letting your best friend to come, because what? He has seen you broken? Welcome to the real world, Mister Stark’ she says and it’s _bitter._ ‘It’s full of human beings who have emotions and who are vulnerable and who get hurt. It must be painful to realize all of this at once.’

Pepper’s words are sharp and cut through whatever defenses Tony has created in the short time. Of course she’s right. She’s always right. He’s always known she’s always right.

But – he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to act differently. He’s never had to – not with people, hey, it’s been him and the bots.

It’s a strange feeling in his gut, realizing that there _is_ him and the bots, but there is also someone else. _Shouldn’t I have noticed that, like, years ago?_

A few breaths, good, a few deep breaths.

‘J, cancel lockout. Let Rhodey in if he wants. Send a message to Happy that he can take a few more days of, like five, unless Pepper needs him.’

‘I don’t,’ Pepper cuts in, her voice back to normal (a l m o s t)

‘I’m sending the message now, sir. Anything else?’

‘Warm up some soup,’ Pepper asks and Tony can feel nausea building up in his stomach, so he says:

‘No food for me, J.’

‘You’ve got to –’

‘Are we going to argue now?’ he snarls, turning around to lay on his side, trying not think how pathetic he must look. ‘Okay, I can admit this – if I swallow as much as a bite of food, I will end up throwing it up on my bathroom floor, not that you’re not familiar with the drill, here, are you satisfied to hear me admit it?’ he spats the words out. _Fuck_.

‘… no, Tony, you know that’s not what I mean –’

‘Than what do you mean?’

‘I said it already! I’m just worried. When I was just near heree I had JARVIS sending me a message that my presence is urgently needed in the house; I swear he would be panicked if he had the capability, I was just a few minutes out of here, luckily… When I came inside, I had am A.I. directing me to you, and I found you naked, shaking, in the bathroom, not talking, not responding, so what the hell should I be thinking? You’ve just came back from captivity. There’ve been some… traumatic events, it’s a hard time. And James…’ she stops the stream of words abruptly.

‘Rhodey?’

‘He asked me to look out for you, because you might…’ she trails off.

And then Tony laughs (he really does, and it makes the hole in his chest ache) and Pepper must stare at him as if he’s really gone crazy, _have I?_ That wouldn’t be so much of a surprise, after all that time.

He knows what she’s about to say, of course Rhodey would brief her about all the _psychological trauma_ that he knows of because he is a soldier – or it could have been JARVIS to tell her of PTSD because the A.I. is overprotective and too smart, and since Pepper was staying in the mansions, their extensive interaction was inevitable. Especially since JARVIS likes Pepper.

‘There is nothing to talk about,’ Tony terminates the conversation, knowing _much_ too well that it’s _not_ going to be the end of it, but he’s willing to take a chance.

‘… Rhodey will come tomorrow evening,’ Pepper says in the end, changing the subject.

‘Sure,’ he replies flatly and closes his – _okay._

Pepper doesn’t leave. Tony doesn’t know how to thank her.

She just gives him the sleeping pills later, it’s an easy running-away routine, and he drifts off, moving from blackness to blackness (re-pe-ti-ti-ve.)

***

The next day passes mostly amidst strained silence and half-sincere sentences. Tony is not sure how can everything work – it shouldn’t. Maybe it doesn’t.

But they go on.

Pepper is on the phone a lot and Tony sits in the big living room, in one of the tall comfortable armchairs he had delivered from Denmark. A news channel is on, Tony pays attention to bits and pieces, especially when it’s the market information and he can listen to all the after press conference uproar he missed the previous day.

He east breakfast (mini pancakes, no maple syrup, just blueberries inside; maybe it’s an outstretched hand and an attempt to corrupt him because he loves blueberries and he hasn’t eaten them in ages. The taste like ambrosia) and lunch like a good boy he’s pretending to be. For now. For as long as he can.

Because pretending is what he decides to do, sitting in the middle of the stretching time that he’s not able to count, in the middle of nowhere, both literally and metaphorically – and he hates metaphors. Because pretending is what he’s been taught;  maybe the only lesson that he excelled at out of Howard’s teachings. _I can do as much_ , he tells himself, ignoring the weakness in his limbs and his too-fast beating heart (the shrapnel  always  crawling in his veins, the thought making his head hurt.) He knows it’s pretending to himself more than to anyone else, but he refuses to acknowledge that he’s just a – g h o s t  of Anthony Stark.

Rhodey comes and they talk; if Pepper has told him anything about the events of previous day the colonel doesn’t make any indication. Tony listens to him recounting his meetings with the other army people and the federal organizations that want to talk to Tony – ‘No way, tell them to be happy with all I said in Germany, they are not getting anything more, there isn’t much to say. I was held captive, you know all about Ten Rings, then I escaped and then you found me, and the last two parts are foggy, a mess in my head and I’m not able to be more detailed because I don’t remember’ – and Rhodey promises he’s going to pass the information. They eat dinner together, Rhodey brought their favorite pizza, and Tony somehow manages not to get himself all dirty; it’s hard though when he knows each of his movements is watched and analyzed by three beings, really, he would have thought three pairs of eyes but technically JARVIS, more than something as simple as eyes, is using hundreds of cameras of various types, scattered all around. I _wonder if people will stop themselves mid-sentence when they make an ‘eye’ reference. 100 points for the first person who applies my ‘no bullshit’ policy to myself._

It is almost familiar, almost calming: being with Rhodey; Pepper somewhere in the background, typing on her phone or tapping on her tablet and walking around with her heels clicking; JARVIS cutting in with sharp comments and data whenever it is requested; the soft background noises and soft silence (there was always water dripping somewhere in the cave, always some hollow rhythm carried by the long corridors, always some footsteps echoing _too close._ )

At some point Rhodey gets up, patting Tony on the back and making him promise that he will see a doctor about his arm soon, a regular check-up (Tony’s never needed those. Huh.) Then the colonel says he will come soon, again, and leaves.

‘Half past nine p.m.’ JARVIS supplies when Tony looks up – _rises his head up –_ in a newly and wordlessly established rule. 

Tony is sleepy, he doesn’t want know how is it possible that with straight nine hours of sleep every night he still feels his eyes closing after dinner. _Lack of caffeine, check, lack of booze, check, lack of sex, check, lack of a fucking thing to do, check._ He’s always been too impatient to take his time recovering, and it’s the first when he can’t skip that step.

But for some time he acts like he can in fact skip the step, until he’s proven wrong (it’s almost a week, full 156 hours, 12 short of seven days, not that he’s counting, the numbers just force themselves into his head.)

 


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part deals with PTSD, so please take that into consideration if it triggers you.
> 
> The characters, especially Tony, keep getting out of hand, but I hope you’ll find believable. There will be proper plot finally happening in the next chapter, so thanks for your patience : )

During the week:

Tony has a doctor come and check on his arm (and _nothing else_ ) – cast off, ‘you are lucky to heal so quickly, Mister Stark’.

He manages to talk Pepper into letting him go down to the workshop twice (makes him feel a bit like in kindergarten) though he doesn’t do any work, he doesn’t even walk around much: that would mean either being attached to Pepper or checking the surroundings with his arms which – no, just _no_ , not especially not with someone observing him, and Pepper won’t let him stay there by himself and she is probably right. Or maybe he could follow one of the bots which well, _yes, Dummy, it is an amazing idea but you will just get me seriously wounded here. You can barely wheel yourself around without destroying the place._

Rhodey comes twice. They talk for long hours. Tony likes listening to a voice that is not his, Pepper’s or JARVIS’, or coming out of speakers.

Obadiah comes once. He talks while Tony tries to listen. It’s business laced with get-well card-like sweetness.

Happy comes by, too, and Tony gives him some more time off despite the chauffeur’s protests. Tony makes JARVIS sent the man to Côte d'Azur with his girlfriend – _does he even have a girlfriend_? Okay. Anyway.

Pepper doesn’t get out of the house. Well, she does, but not farther than to walk around the gardens for a bit, or to the beach to breathe the fresh air. Tony kind of hates himself for that because she has a life, and it isn’t him. Shouldn’t be. But she won’t leave when he tells her that he can handle himself, it leads to another shouting match, _welcome normalcy._ She in on the phone a lot all the time, doing her work remotely.

‘Shouldn’t you make me do more of my job?’ Tony asks her one morning, after a few days without any nudging from Pepper, which is highly unusual.

‘Not really,’ she replies distractedly, hovering over her tablet like always (he can hear the softest hum of the device, thank you.) ‘There are two deputies who are taking care of the company right now, along with Mister Stane, and they are managing.’

Tony is surprised at that because he should know about the deputies, but he can’t recall ever seeing those people or talking to them. He must have met them at some point, but after charming smiles and small talk he tends to forget most of those morons – whoever, _they must be good enough if Pepper chose them. So okay._

‘Besides, you’ve got your time off, you know. Sick leave.’

Tony can’t stop thinking about those words when he’s trying to pass another day with too much time on his hands. Sick leave kind of indicates that he could go back to work. It’s not being fired – can he even be fired from his own company? – or moved to another position or anything. It is also a lie, because it promises ‘hey, you are sick now, get well, recover, and come back,’ which means he should be able to recover. Ahh.

(He wonders sometimes what it would be like if some other part of his brain was injured, if he was deaf or mute or paralyzed or lost his memory or coordination or face recognition or abstract thinking abilities, or emotional reactions – _so many fucking possibilities. At least I am not the new human vegetable. Or with locked-in syndrome ,_ that thought makes him feel… a bit relieved. Somehow. But it doesn’t change anything. Realizing that someone, somewhere has it worse doesn’t help at all.)

JARVIS reads science journals to him when Tony gets bored with everything else, thought it usually ends with annoyed scoffs because the data illustrations are kind of critical for getting the whole thing, of course he can understand the articles without them but visual input makes the information complete and useful. Some of the works are worth nothing and Tony holds long conversations with his A.I., filled with snarky comments and laughing at the authors’ stupidity on Tony’s side and sharp remarks on JARVIS’.

What a beautiful simulacrum of reality is it:

Waking up; dressing; eating when Pepper gives him food and gaining a little weight, probably, which is good because half-starved isn’t his style; tv and internet at his disposal; talking with the few people who happen to come; sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

(There is one things that doesn’t fit but Tony _doesn’t think_ about his fucking inability to take a simple shower. He ends up cleaning himself with a wet sponge because he doesn’t want – can’t even – _no._ Time. _When Pepper goes_. He needstime. He – he does at is quick as possible, feeling _ashamed_ of himself and never, never letting himself think about it. JARVIS doesn’t comment; if he did, Tony would seriously dismantle him.)

***

Time goes on and Tony keeps counting hours, time supplied by JARVIS at a single movement of Tony’s head.

Only, he doesn’t have any idea of what he is doing, of is really going on with him. Besides passing time.

_Is anything?_

But the time does go on and Tony, he is… not exactly more comfortable. Not exactly getting used to. Not exactly resting. Not exactly coping. But it’s – something.

So one evening, he decides that he’s had enough of the silliness and when Pepper hands him the sleeping pills, he puts them inside his mouth and drinks the water, but when she leaves to get ready for bed, like every day (Pepper hasn’t been staying with him after the first three nights, Tony told her not to and hey, he manages well enough by himself. And she didn’t argue; apparently they have enough arguments anyway) he spits them out; _I don’t need them,_ he tells himself. _I’m not going to rely on medicine and make this more pathetic than it already is._

Tony doesn’t really fall asleep and it makes him smirk in the darkness of the night; it if familiar and good to know that he’s still himself. Somehow. Well, he drifts off a bit a few times, but it’s never more than half an hour – _thanks, J –_ so most of the time he spends thinking. Well, of course he has enough time to think anyway, with nothing serious to do, and his body doesn’t seem to mind if it is the day or the night anyway, so fuck it, he’s going to do what he wants. It’s convenient to forget that he’s been much too sleepy for his liking a lot of times, but the blame was on sleeping pills. And now he is – free of that.

***

After breakfast Pepper goes outside for a bit, saying she wants to have a quick run outside, with the pretty weather and all; Tony waves her off and decides to stay of the big sofa in the (main) living room. As he listens to the news again – SI stock prices surprisingly not-rapidly-falling – he feels the air in the room get warmer, _the sun must be intense, shining through the walls of glass_ , he thinks; it’s funny and ridiculous because he can almost smell the temperature change, as if tiny bits of dust gave off a strange lazy scent.

Tony (closes his eyes and) listens to the monotonous voice of the tv presenter and feels a subtle sleepiness creep upon him what is rather annoying, but he can’t be bothered to snap out of the comfortable half-sleep cocoon wrapped around in his mind – and then, before he realizes, he is dreaming, and he’s fucking _aware_ of the fact that he is dreaming.

It is – cruel.

_The feeling_ in his gut, though he is asleep – f u c k – it is cruel because it is the first time since the ‘rescue’ – okay, yes, it’s been only three weeks, not even three weeks  suddenly he is not sure is he can believe JARVIS and everyone else who tells him how much time has passed, how can he be sure) – it’s the first time he can really _see_ something because all the images in his mind are just transparent projections that disappear when he wants to get a closer look at them, that disappear when he needs then, when he tries to –

It’s the first time when he can _see_ something and it is the faces of his abductors, their dark faces with dark beards and dark eyes, and Yinsen’s bloodied body; it’s the scene of waking up with a tube in his nose and a battery attached to his chest and making him  a l i v e  (but he’s not so sure, how can he be sure.)

It is all playing in front of his eyes without a halt, Yinsen telling him about the thing in his body and seeing the mass of scars and scrubs on his chest for the first time and not being able to breathe; the Stark Industries logo on the missiles he had to disassemble for palladium; Raza’s mouth moving as he is spitting out words in a language Tony wishes he’s never heard; all the guns trained on him when he’s stepping out of the cave, leaving his friend’s body inside – the noise of the bullets hitting his metal suit, ringing in his ears; explosions explosions explosions with the wind howling around, shouts and screams and cries when the people around are dying; the wind howling and moving the sand in small sandstorms, running free across mountain-size dunes, their strange greyish-orange colour and sunshine burning into his eyes and brain, it goes on and on and on –

And when the images finally disappear, suddenly, _suddenly,_ as he wakes up – he opens his eyes violently and there is nothing, nothing nothing nothing, he’s shivering, he’s trembling, his chest hurts and he’s going to throw up, he’s so cold; there are sunrays licking his body and he’s freezing – he realizes that he’s never, never going to see anything else; that it will repeat endlessly and every time he has to get though it will end with staring into blackness, cold alien appalling blackness and it’s too much. Of course he’s known that, rationally, no daylight  no 3D models no view of the ocean from his house no Pepper’s glimmering eyes, he’s known that but _knowing_ is too much, he can’t handle that, he can’t – he feels dirty, stained with the young soldiers’ blood, the blood on his chest and his hands and his face, he wants to vomit but he can’t, there is a cold empty hole in his gut, he is not   h u m a n,  he can’t handle –

Everything shatters.

And then – then suddenly he is in Pepper’s arms, her breathing accelerated, _when did she come here_ , and he lets himself cry; it’s been years, decades, he remembers perfectly. Her hand in running soothing circles oh his back and he cries until he can’t breathe and until _everything_ aches.

Tony doesn’t know what to say. What to do.

All he’s ever been was a – façade. With lots of honestly, he’ll give you that, with no self-restraint and a healthy dose of indulgence, but it’s always been superficial, not that he’s ever allowed himself to ponder about that until – (‘So, you are a man who has everything – and nothing’)

What he’s been thinking about, those last days, hiding the thoughts from himself too, is what if all that he’s ever been is just a projection? Nothing more than the surface, nothing more than – an image; and since he’s lost sight he can’t even find _himself_ because he was nothing more than a smile plastered onto a golden plaque. Because that would fit, and he’s a scientist, so an explanation that resolves all of the problems in the one he is most inclined to believe is true.

Everything is  s h a t t e r e d.

‘I can’t do it,’ he tells Pepper and he swears he can feel her face muscles twitch as she smiles softly through the tears ( _why – how could you make her cry?_ ) and he doesn’t understand.

‘You can,’ she states simply, Tony thinks, but he’s not sure he knows what ‘simple’ means these days.

‘I can’t,’ Tony repeats; he doesn’t feel like he could even try to lie. He can’t.

‘You are very stupid for a genius, sometimes,’ Pepper tells him. There are few long moments of silence before she speaks again. ‘You’ve been doing it… the wrong way? The wrong way. You can’t do it alone. That’s what we are for – me, Rhodey, all your bots, loving you like their father...’

‘I don’t –’ he starts but trails off, because he’s not sure what to say: agree? think so? know? want? (oh he _wants._ )

‘It’s really that simple, Mister Stark,’ she states.

‘Is it, Miss Potts?’ he asks, letting himself slip into the familiar pattern again.

‘It is.’

_I don’t deserve it._

***

After _that_ , he keeps staring into space.

_Staring_ into _space_ , that’s funny.

He knows Pepper is observing him most of the time, if not in the room, then using JARVIS’ feed, and he is – he is surprisingly okay with that. He understands. Every time she left him alone he did something stupid (she wouldn’t call it stupid, of course, she would call it reckless and irresponsible and too forward, too hastened; Tony calls it stupid because he acted upon the impression that he doesn’t have time – didn’t have time, it felt like he had to hurry to do something and it turned out badly –)

Now, he spends _hours_ staring into space and not falling asleep.

They argue about the sleeping medicine, of course, but the shouting is different than usual and Pepper gives in much too soon. He tells her that he relies on his brain in everything he is, was, whatever, semantics, and no matter what he can’t risk having his mind – impaired. Slowed down. The side effects happening, no matter how small.

Pepper tells Rhodey, but he’s half a world away right now and he probably won’t be coming back for a fortnight. Rhodey wants to talk to Tony; he refuses. A few times. But the colonel is too fucking insistent so they do have a videoconference via JARVIS one evening – or morning, in Rhodey’s case – and the man wants him to ‘pull himself together’; Tony knows it translates into ‘get into therapy, man, for your own good’ and yet again, Tony _understands_ , but he cannot. Pepper and Rhodey talk a lot when he is in another room (or when he is sleeping, he guesses) and it’s okay.

Tony can’t quite believe how easy it is to be all blasé like that.

No one tells Obadiah, because it’s the very kind of thing that Tony wants the man to believe can’t happen. Obie knows a bit too much about when he was young. More than Tony can feel comfortable with, but it’s no exception, because JARVIS is the only one Tony is okay with totally.

Pepper doesn’t leave the house and Tony hates it that she stays there on his account.

***

In the evening, after the long day, Tony’s head is hurting and he’s feeling sleepy and wide awake at the same time.

‘You know we must talk about this,’ Pepper tells him from her place on his right where she is doing some paperwork.

‘What is ‘this’?’

‘Don’t play silly, Tony. It’s really not the right time.’

Tony hangs down his head and swallows the sarcastic response that his brain is automatically forming. _I’m not going to tell anyone_ , he repeats a swear he’s made to himself when he was dragging his legs through the desert sand (which made it almost sacred.)

‘Are you going to take your medicine?’ Pepper asks yet again, but Tony is sure she knows the answer, so he just shakes his head for now. ‘Okay. Are you going to be able to sleep without it?’

Tony shrugs wordlessly and she sighs.

When he goes to bed in the end, Pepper easily lays down on the other side with a book in her hand, he can hear the paper rustling. He stays on his back, breathing deeply; the position makes the pain of arc reactor a bit lessened and the relief is very welcome. It is easy to believe that yes, he is home, he is back, with the familiar scents of ocean and Pepper’s perfume and a hum of electricity flowing in the houses walls like blood in veins, something he missed so much in the caves. At least that one, unobtrusive constant is always around, even when everything else was silent, an underlying reassurance that he is happy with.

During the night he falls asleep three times and Pepper wakes him up three times. He can’t remember if he was dreaming of anything, but he can remember tossing around and feeling like crying out, and there is cold sweat all over his body. Pepper’s hand feels warm and sharp against his sensitive skin; he’s not sure it’s a good feeling.

There are no words exchanged: Tony is the master of rambling and talking other people into running away, but this is something different. Even if he wanted to say something about what causes him such distress, he knows he wouldn’t be able to find right words (and he doesn’t particularly want to remember.)

*******

It becomes hard, getting out of bed.

(Tony knows he should feel bad about it, but he doesn’t.)

Pepper’s voice gets more and more tired but she doesn’t walk away like he half-expected her to. Tony wonders if she looks tired, too, if she has dark bags under her eyes or slumped shoulders, but he doesn’t dare to ask JARVIS.

Tony goes down to the workshop one day, but all he does is stay on the sofa and let the bots pet him in their favourite ways as he is sitting, unmoving. Pepper even leaves him alone in there, Tony knows that she is hoping that it will make him better ( _that would indicate something is very wrong,_ he muses _, I don’t think I can define wrong._ )Rationally, he knows it is great to be down there, but he can’t get himself to rejoice. He’s numb – _hey, that’s new, I used to never have enough time to breathe when I was in here and now –_

There are arguments with Pepper, too, there always are arguments with Pepper: she’s soft around him. He hates it despite the fact that she just acts accordingly to the situation. And besides looking over him, she’s still doing a lot of work. At some point there are a few things that require Tony’s input; he tells Pepper to do whatever she thinks is the best until she stops asking.

***

One of the days, Tony refuses to get out of the bed at all and stays there, waiting for something to happen, waiting for a miracle, listening to Pepper’s muffled voice and JARVIS’ words through the murmur water of in his ears. Pepper sounds torn between shouting at him and breaking into tears, but in the end she curls on the bed and, for once, doesn’t do any work or reading or tv watching, just stays next to him, close close close. He gets up to go to bathroom maybe three times, and then comes back to the secure bed; the space of his room becomes feeling familiar and he starts being vaguely self-confident about moving around on the usual bed-toilet route.

The next day he stays in bed, too, and the next. Peppers threatens him that she will call Happy and make the man drag him out of the bed, but she knows that it would be pointless because the problem isn’t exactly Tony’s refusal to move. _Of course_.

Tony tries not to think too much, and for the first time in his life he _kind of_  succeeds; between waking up a few times every night which means not getting proper amount of deep sleep, and his body’s sudden need for rest, he is exhausted; it’s easy to space out.

Another day Tony finds himself more angry, and he _enjoys_ the emotion and acts upon it simply because it’s better than the nothingness (he remembers that he hasn’t even thought of sex for the last weeks, and that never happens.) So he shouts and spats and snarls, and drives Pepper crazy, at some point she turns around and leaves, taking quick loud steps, no hesitation: the space suddenly seems so much bigger when he’s alone.

Tony regrets his words, but it’s acceptable; he’s a Stark, well, he has the ‘fuck-up’ gene passed down in generations.

But Pepper comes back, sometime later, and Tony can tell that she was crying; he tries his best at dismissing the clenching feeling in his gut.

‘You know what, Tony?’ she starts slowly ‘I don’t want to go away, but you’re making me feel like I should. Are you – are you trying to make me leave?’

‘You _should_ leave me,’ Tony says simply.

_I want you to stay more than you can imagine, but you. You are too good for me._

‘Who would take care of you?’

‘You are not obliged to do all this,’ he replies, making a vague gesture with his hands, indicating himself and the house and everything that has suddenly become his life.

_I never asked you for as much as you give me._

‘You don’t have anyone else who could do that,’ Pepper states quietly; the low tones make Tony shiver. Or her words, he is not sure.

‘I don’t have anyone else,’ he repeats in agreement. ‘I could hire whoever I want.’ (‘So you are a man who has everything… and nothing.’)

_I don’t have anyone else._

There is a moment of silence before Pepper speaks again and Tony braces himself for hearing ‘okay, goodbye then, have a nice life’ like any normal person would do.

‘I don’t know why I am doing all of this,’ he hears instead and frowns, not sure what she means. ‘Part of my mind wants me to tell you to go to hell and leave without looking back, and I honestly don’t know why haven’t I done that like, million times before. But there is a little piece of me that wants to stay.’

Tony blinks and turns his head around to _look at her_ out of habit.

‘Because you pay me more money that is ethically right. And I hate job hunting,’ she continues and Tony’s lip twitches slightly. ‘And because I hate those old boring man who would only have me for ogling my legs – I know you wanted me for my legs, too – that’s stupidly insensitive of me to mention it now, isn’t it?’

‘It’s okay.’

‘Well. Life is a thrill when one is trying to follow you, Mister Stark.’

‘Now, too?’ he voices the question that is hanging in the air.

‘Not as much now as if used to be, no,’ Pepper agrees. ‘But I’m willing to wait.’

‘I think I hired you to hand me things to sign and clear up after my parties, though. You didn’t sign up for taking care of a cripple.’

‘I learn fast,’ she concludes and Tony can’t help but be thankful to her for not opposing fiercely to his choice of words.

***

Pepper stays. Tony still spends time in bed; on better days he talks with her and laughs a bit and asks JARVIS to read him some science news that mostly sound boring and repetitive, but he tries to listen anyway. On worse days, he doesn’t let Pepper touch him and he doesn’t come near water and his heartbeat is quickened, headache building up in temples, as his brain works on high alert because he is _scared_ ; thinking about the world beyond his little prison is scary.

It is wrong, of course, so wrong, closing himself in a small cage, in the suffocating atmosphere like straight from a mindfuck drama story where they are the only people left on the Earth (on his own private Earth.)

Then Rhodey comes back to the USA and straight from debrief he comes to see Tony.

‘You look like a skeleton’ are the first words that he says, when he enters the bedroom; Tony could hear his footsteps since the main door opening.

‘But I’ve got to say that it’s good to see you,’ Rhodey adds.

‘Glad you are here, cupcake,’ Tony replies; Pepper and the colonel must exchange some looks between them because she says a muffled ‘okay’ and walks out.

‘I took some time off, Tony,’ Rhodey states and Tony tenses, but just then there is a warm hand resting calmly on his shoulder. ‘It’ll give Pepper some time to rest – no, you haven’t been too demanding, I know she didn’t have so much work with you, but she needs that – mentally.’

Tony nods in acknowledgement, _yes, she does need that, she should have cut herself off from me a long time ago, this, all of this, it isn’t – sane. Nowhere near sanity._

‘She’s been telling me you are depressed,’ Rhodey states, leaving Tony with no good reply; it wasn’t exactly a question. Or maybe it was a trick one. ‘I hoped she might exaggerate, but it’s Pepper, she’s perfectly accurate about everything… You look like shit, no offense, half dead – worse than when we got you, back there. How much weight have you lost, do you even know? I can see your bones, and the reactor, sticking out,’ Rhodey pauses for a moment, and Tony wonders what the man is going to say. ‘It looks like you didn’t even try. This – this isn’t like you.’

‘Did you expect me to stay the same Tony fucking Stark?’ he snaps, but it is more studied than natural; Rhodey knows that much.

‘I didn’t, no, of course – or well,’ the colonel pauses for a second. ‘I think I actually did. When we found you, I thought that you’d get through it all without as much as a blink, that you’ll show all those fuckers who kidnapped you who are you, what you are made of, but it was until you asked the doctor why couldn’t you see – it’s something no one can just brush off with a fake smile and wave off with money like you’d like to… It was easy to pretend, even just now when I was out for the mission, that this situation never happened and that when I will come to visit my friend, we’ll get drunk and laugh and reminisce MIT times. But I am a soldier, not a dreamer, and I don’t like to dwell on wishful thinking, you know me, you know this… So, there is a problem, all right, we deal with the problem.’

‘It’s not something you just – fix. I wish, I wish it was my eyes, I would build myself new ones –’ Tony trails off, momentarily ashamed of saying it out loud, _fuck, I never wanted to say it out loud, I_ don’t _say things like that –_

But Rhodey laughs, confusing Tony.

‘You think I don’t know? That is exactly what I was thinking: ‘don’t worry, it will take some time but Tony will build himself new eyes and fix things like he always does’, man, you’re a genius, if anyone could do that it would be you. Besides, I’ve known you for too long to not know how you work, man.’

‘But I can’t,’ Tony says flatly; he suddenly remembers that people who look at him keep seeing his eyes. It feels wrong, as if they were something disgraceful.

‘No, you can’t. And no replacing brain, I hope,’ Rhodey chuckles, but Tony doesn’t join in. ‘So, what are you going to do now?’

(That was the question that Pepper did ask him a few days earlier, and he can’t think of the fucking answer. There isn’t an answer.)

‘I believe sir doesn’t want to think much about the future at this point,’ JARVIS states. _Traitor._

‘I know, JARVIS, I know,’ Rhodey replies and Tony swears the A.I. would nod if he could. ‘You will have to – make some decisions, I know it must sound cruel when I am saying it like this, but shit, you’re an amazing and strong person and I can’t see you giving up on everything like this.’

‘Well, sorry to disappoint you,’ Tony replies sarcastically. _It’s all a game, a fucking game, don’t take it to yourself. Don’t let yourself think too much. Go on, somehow._

‘…you’ve got time, Tony,’ Rhodey decides to say instead of raising the bait. ‘But I am staying here for a few days, so you will not get away from me easily… And we’re going to get you cleaned up and fed now. No saying no. I know Pepper is the devil sometimes, but she’s been – worried about you, I know she wouldn’t be as firm with you as she usually is. But I have quite a bit of muscle mass over you now, so if you refuse, I’m getting you to the bathroom bridal style.’

‘No.’

‘Yes. I’m not listening to you. JARVIS, make sure the bathroom is warm enough.’

‘Trying to get into my pants again, huh?’ Tony murmurs and he’s not sure where the comment came from, but it makes Rhodey chuckle, so he guesses it’s okay.

‘Come on. Let’s get you out of the bed – hell, do you even weight nine stone?’ Rhodey gasps, taking in Tony’s thin frame as he sits up and the blanket he is wrapped with falls down.

‘Sir weights –’ JARVIS starts but Tony cuts in.

‘Mute. Shut up, J.’

Rhodey helps him out of the bed, guides him to the bathroom and takes off his clothes.

‘This isn’t a good idea,’ Tony says, the words are _so_ not enough for what he feels like; it is as if his brain could not even process the fact that – _water._

‘No, we’re taking it slow,’ Rhodey says and Tony gives in without as much as a protest because he’s too exhausted and indifferent to try to argue.

It turns out that Rhodey is much more than Tony would expect from the man (even after all those years they’ve known each other.) Rhodey is gentle and slow, explaining everything he is going to do in a low voice that makes Tony want to sleep more than run away. There isn’t a shower or a bath and Tony is a bit surprised; all that happens is the colonel making him sit on a stool with nothing more than his feet in the water, helping him wash with the wet sponge like Tony usually does himself; he’s always within reach, almost all the time touching Tony’s exposed skin to show that he is not going to leave him alone.

Tony’s head is hurting, stomach in knots and an unpleasant lump in his throat, but he’s making a good enough effort at breathing steadily, counting Rhodey’s steps and the movements of his hands simultaneously. Then, before he knows it, everything is over; Rhodey puts a dressing gown over his shoulders and leads him back to the room.

There isn’t too much pushing regarding eating; Tony is glad.

Pepper comes and they all sit on the bed, like teenagers in movies; most of the conversation is Rhodey and Pepper and JARVIS, but Tony doesn’t avoid replying direct questions, so – it’s something.

 


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter still deals with PTSD and mental health issues, please mind that.  
> I don’t have personal experience with that Tony is part of, so please excuse any mistakes I might have made. I hope you find this enjoyable and realistic – I’d love to read about what you like and what you don’t like.

The next morning Pepper takes him to the kitchen where Rhodey is waiting, already eating his breakfast; Tony feels like vomiting at the sole thought of food but Rhodey doesn’t give in.

‘Just try,’ he says, nudging Tony. ‘A few spoons. Come on, don’t whine.’

Tony discovers that apparently, JARVIS decided that a light herbal chicken soup would be the best food to calm his stomach, despite it being breakfast and not dinner. Knowing that he isn’t going to get out of it, Tony starts eating slowly, and after fifth swallow, the nausea seems to lessen a tiniest bit, which is surprising, though maybe it shouldn’t be because it is perfectly medically explainable.

‘Good, Tony. We’re going down to the workshop now,’ Rhodey says when Tony ate as much as he could before his stomach would start aching because of a different reason.

‘I’m tired,’ he counters, but the battle is already lost.

‘Oh, just move,’ Rhodey orders and leads him downstairs.

They spend some time with the bots who keep chirping happily as they are petted and talked to. Tony avoids conversations about his past projects or anything work-related, or _showing_ Rhodey around, so the man keeps pacing and stopping here and there on his own: sure, the colonel has seen the place hundreds of times, but there was always something new – used to be.

In the end, as Tony is surrounded by Dummy and You and Butterfingers, JARVIS takes the initiative and shows Rhodey some projects that were supposed to be for the military and a few for Stark Industries; Tony hears as the A.I. explains some details of the holograms. It – passes time, and at least the bots are happy, so Tony agrees that they need to come again sometime soon.

***

The next few days, Pepper and Rhodey drag Tony around the house, trying to engage him in different things, and he is glad, he really is, but _fuck_ he is exhausted with that all, and he can’t get enough sleep; it seems like there isn’t such thing as enough sleep (he is well aware that this is what the others talk about most when they are in one of the other rooms, sure, _this is so unlike the Tony Stark any of them has ever known_.)

With the constant nudging and prodding, Tony doesn’t have the time to let his mind calm down (turn off?) like he’s been doing before and he finds himself with a multitude of insane thoughts running through his head; it means remembering – remembering. And he doesn’t want that at all.

Oh yes, he thinks about suicide, that much is obvious. _Fuck it, isn’t that a little extreme for you?_ Tony asks himself, but it’s just thinking, he justifies quickly. _Besides, you are just one big walking issue, one big problem…_ Given that he still doesn’t know the right reply for the standing trick question: ‘what are you going to do now?’, imagining more than a few days ahead in time is staring into a black hole. _Repetitive, again_ , he thinks, and he does  n o t  do repetitive. He’s bored with the damned clichés – but he knows he isn’t the type to commit suicide, but if only: _booze and pills, we’ve always been into booze and pills._

But it’s just – thoughts. Such an easy way out of the fucking hell is tempting, at least inside his head, but Tony is a coward (and death is just more darkness, _thanks, I’ll pass._ )

He tries not to think about things he knows he should do, like: code upgrades, new arc reactor, talking with Obie.

There is a ball of guilt in his gut that screams of his bots: all they ever do is clean the area and roll around the workshop and stay in their charging stations, _pretty sad life_ , Tony thinks; he doesn’t wish his bots to be miserable – yet they are, and since he is the creating unit, he is responsible. _If they weren’t inorganic, they’d be dead_ , he realizes, and that makes him shiver.

Tony – despite not wanting to – thinks too much about what ifs, what in his opinion is pretty pathetic. But images of ‘what things could be like if’ are too tempting to turn down.

His limbs are heavy and his eyelids too, not that it matters; it feels strange to walk and do things as he wishes he could just slip into the restless lethargy. Sleeping is tough, eating is tough, every morning with washing up is tough and he can’t see the end of it. That’s – scary, in a way. Sometimes he tries to remember what was it like _before_ , it feels like a different lifetime, like a lucid dream (maybe everything but the darkness was an illusion.)

So, the depression, _let’s fucking call it by its name_ – he hates it, but it’s enchanting and sneaky and crawls under his skin unnoticeably, whispering seducing words into his ears, making him tremble, making him want to hand himself over, making it sound like this is the only possible path and he should accept it. He is almost – willing to, it would be easy.

***

‘You really should get some help,’ Rhodey tells him the evening before he has to go back to work. ‘I –I can’t stand you miserable like that, Tony.’

‘You can leave anytime you want, the door is open, cupcake,’ Tony replies easily because _why not, let’s antagonize some people because you’re feeling too defenseless when you’re talking normally._

Rhodey sounds more sad than angry (and Tony is disappointed.)

‘You know I won’t.’

‘I know,’ Tony admits reluctantly. ‘Thanks’ he adds in a low, low whisper.

‘Who are you and what have you done to Tony Stark?’ Rhodey laughs, and a small smile creeps upon Tony’s face. It is – strange. It has become strange, he is not sure he is doing it right, the smile could be a creepy grimace just as well.

‘But Tony, you must get help – don’t think I will let slide,’ Rhodey says; the spell is broken and Tony’s face falls.

It results in (another) argument, with input from Pepper and JARVIS; Tony just wants to get away from them all but he can’t, he wishes he could run out of the room slamming the door – okay, he doesn’t. He wishes _they_ would leave him alone in the bed, with an open window, breathing in the fresh warm air filled with rain breeze – he’s been hearing rain; he imagines it would make his chest and head hurt less, he imagines he could just – _float_ like that for days. Instead, he is still closed within the wired walls, in the polished space, and finds himself listening to Rhodey’s insistent words that drill into his head.

‘Tony – I have known you for so long. We’ve never been – like this, I want to be your friend, do not refuse me. And what you are doing now –’

‘What would you have me do?’ Tony cuts in, it’s a tone somehow in between anger and resignation.

‘Let someone help you – how many times do I have to repeat that? I know, Tony, you’ve always been this man who does everything by himself, on your own terms, even when you came to college at fourteen you’ve been more independent than most people in their twenties. You’ve done a lot of stupid things, sure, but think – everything you are, you’ve made yourself. But this, it is an adult’s decision to admit that you are not omnipotent, and there are some things you might need help with. There is nothing wrong with that.’

Rhodey sits down on the bed next to Tony, keeping him close; his body is so warm and Tony’s so cold – Tony is always cold these days, a mix between the cave’s chill that is still residing deep in his bones, and the lack of activity and proper nourishment.

‘I will understand if you walk away,’ Tony murmurs, knowing that the colonel will hear his words, and suddenly the man’s grip tightens.

‘I wish you wouldn’t,’ Rhodey replies, there is a soft edge to his voice that Tony doesn’t like.

‘I – I want to be left alone,’ Tony adds, stating it quietly but firmly, and trying not to sound like a whiny little kid.

‘How do you imagine that? Who is going to take care of you, Tony?’

‘I can do this by myself!’ he spats, feeling embarrassing blush on his cheeks and neck, _oh hell, stop being fucking pathetic! – is_ that _a word of the day or something?_ (yes, there is a voice in his head telling him that it’s okay to let Rhodey in; he is not sure he knows how, and it’s  g i v i n g  in, breaking the sacred promise he made on the desert.)

‘Okay, okay, so let’s say that maybe you can, Tony, let’s say you can. But do you really want to?’ Rhodey asks, and Tony’s words are stuck in his throat.

‘I don’t want to _need_ people. I don’t want to rely on people with everything.’

‘You were doing fine relying on JARVIS,’ Rhodey points out and Tony snorts.

‘He was built to be my help, it’s his primary objective… fuck, do I have to explain that to you? You know it well enough, we’ve got your degree – and it’s J. He is – half of me.’ _The better half._

‘But sometimes you need to have support of others,’ Rhodey insists. ‘Really, I know a lot of people, even in the army, who got professional help –’

‘Don’t finish this sentence, just don’t,’ Tony cuts in sharply. ‘I know what you want to say, fuck, J had me listen to all the statistics ‘cause he gets bossy when he is worried about something, that mother hen…’ he takes a deep breath before continuing; his chest around the arc reactor cavity _hurts_. ‘You see, buttercup, I am me, and I don’t do so well with people, you  have known me for long enough to know that, and some things just won’t work because well, I am _me_. Full stop. Or an exclamation point, whatever, it’s not going to work.’ There is a moment of silence filled with breathing and soft hum of the rain outside. ‘And I don’t want to… be fixed,’ Tony adds finally ‘I don’t want people prodding and asking questions, you know how well that ends, I don’t want people telling me how fucked up I am because _thank you_ , I am well aware of that. I can’t – I couldn’t spill my guts to some stranger. And everything else is _chemicals._ ’

‘Perfectly safe,’ Rhodey points out.

‘It’s chemicals, Rhodey. You should know what that means –’

‘Man, you are so stupid sometimes,’ Rhodey sighs, but it’s somehow affectionate (Rhodey is angry, angry at Tony’s stubbornness, but keeps his arm around Tony’s back anyway.) ‘Yes, I know what that means, I know what it is that you don’t want to so much… So let’s sum it up, shall we? Nothing is acceptable. No doctors, no pills, you do not want pills because you think it might screw with your brain? Well, just take a look, you’re doing a great job here without medicine! Rotting in this bed and – looking worse and worse. See how much fucking good this is for you!’

Tony won’t argue with the truth (there are tears prickling his eyes and he _hates it_ , oh fuck _how_ he _hates it_!)

‘Sorry, Tony, but I’m not letting you continue like this. We are going to find a way to make things work,’ Rhodey adds; Tony knows the man means himself, Pepper, Happy, the bots – everyone who is allowed into Tony’s private kingdom ( _okay, that ‘everyone’ thing: kind of unnecessary, there is no one else, really. I could probably count how many JARVIS overrides they have access to and use it as a point reference – what a beautiful way to measure trust._ )

‘Fuck you, cupcake,’ Tony says softly, making Rhodey laugh, and Tony thinks, _maybe if it weren’t for the_ this (he refuses to call the blindness by its proper name) _I could manage all by myself – of course I would, fuck it, I would blew their minds and make everyone stare agape, I’d make the suit and say nothing about the cave, ever, and I would go on being incredible, I’d be a hero._ But this is too much, he realizes, he can’t bear that much, with his brain fucked up and everything he would like to do with the SI and his life and Pepper and with all the plans that suddenly seem impossible to carry out. It is too much.

‘I can’t see it,’ he tells Rhodey when the man is preparing to leave in the morning, and they share an amused scoff at Tony’s wording. ‘And I don’t know how –’

‘You will figure it out. Take your time. I will be back as soon as possible.’

‘I will try to be a good boy,’ Tony promises and they execute a perfect short-but-strong embrace.

So Tony learns, piece by piece, minute by minute, that maybe miracles do not happen, but friends do, and it’s even better.

***

It takes Tony three weeks to make a decision.

(The twenty two days – okay, so it’s not exactly three weeks, but no one but Tony minds – are mostly filled with sleep, avoiding questions, waking up from nightmares, throwing up, letting the bots play with him, listening to news, laying on the bed – on the couch – on the sofa, remembering to breathe; Tony gets only more tired and frustrated and besides that, nothing changes.)

Obie comes once in the meantime, telling Tony to take it slow, telling him he looks good and asking if he can help; _okay, that’s a lie, no thank you._ Tony hears all about Stane’s plans for Stark Industries, the board’s concern for their CEO, new military contracts he was going to sign soon; Tony is a bit surprised to find out that he really, really doesn’t care. He nods and hums and comments, but it’s dry and half-hearted, though Obie sounds satisfied. That – makes him brainstorm even more, later at night.

Tony announces the news when Rhodey comes to visit for the weekend. They all are sitting in the kitchen, eating breakfast: Tony finishes his Dummy-made protein shake, since Pepper insists he need to consume them in order to regain some weight. They are usually blueberry-flavored, so he doesn’t complain, though he is starting to miss the taste of coffee _so much_. Pepper and Rhodey are eating their waffles, exchanging an occasional word, and only JARVIS is at full attention, playing the news feed in the background, quietly enough not to disturb the peace but loudly enough for Tony to catch all the info.

‘I have been thinking,’ Tony says and he can almost hear their heads turning towards him. ‘About what you both told me. And you, J – and everything that has happened recently. Last few weeks, you know, it wasn’t much fun, I know I have been an ass, I was acting stupidly so sorry, that’s me, but –’

‘Tony. You’re starting to babble,’ Pepper cuts firmly, but her voice is gentle.

‘… I’m so terrible at this – I thought…’ he pauses for a moment. ‘I think I could try some medicine – because you were right, it couldn’t be much worse than _this_ , maybe it could be better, well, or the same, and I’m not –’ he trails off when suddenly, Pepper’s arms are around him and he stifles an instinctive flinch (sometimes, people and things just appear out of nowhere, and it’s scary.)

‘I am so proud of you,’ she whispers into his hair.

‘I am so glad, Tony, that’s amazing. I – I will find a doctor, someone that can be trusted.’

Pepper lets go off Tony, and Rhodey gives him a strong warm hug.

‘But no therapy… I can’t do that,’ Tony clarifies. ‘And yes, I know there are _better results_ , but seriously, no talking, maybe when I’m ready, fuck, I’m never going to be ready –’

‘Shut up,’ Rhodey orders him affectionately from his right. ‘It’s okay. Any decision you make, we are going to respect it, at least for now. So shut up… this calls for a celebration. Pepper?’

She must give him some non-verbal directions, because he leaves the room to come back a in a few minutes, sets something made of glass on the table, and a moment later there is a rectangular thing pressed into his hand.

‘To Tony,’ Rhodey says and Tony raises his glass, like the others probably do, and takes a sip of – ah, Glenmorangie 25 YO, it burns his throat pleasantly, he’s almost forgotten the taste: it’s familiar and so good. He groans softly with pleasure, _it’s great to be me sometimes,_ he thinks, _imagine I’d have to drink some ten dollar cheap wine._

_***_

For the rest of the day, he can’t keep a ghost of a smile off his face.

‘I am very glad that you have made this decision,’ JARVIS tells Tony the next time he is down in the workshop, waiting for Dummy to hand him another of those shakes, _just please don’t make it fire hazard, you sorry bunch of wires_.

‘Glad you approve, mother hen.’

‘Well, it seems that your ability to think rationally stopped decreasing finally, sir,’ JARVIS comments drily, making Tony snort and Dummy chirp questioningly at the sudden sound.

‘It’s noting, baby,’ Tony assures the bot, patting his arm after taking the glass with shake. ‘Well, at least you are not trying to pretend you are nice to me, J.’

‘Don’t forget that it was you who programmed me, sir.’

‘Sure, couldn’t forget, you’re much too imposing for that… While we are on programming. I think you might be needing an update to your code. But – I can’t write it down.’

‘You can dictate me, sir. But, and update, may I inquire of what kind?’ The A.I. sounds unsure, as much as it’s possible.

‘I will need your help with lots of things, if we are going to make this work, and I want to make it – easier for you. Give you some more independence. I will need you to be independent for me, you will see… You will like it. No worries.’

‘I trust you.’

‘You might be the only one,’ Tony murmurs and takes a few gulps of the shake, gesturing at JARVIS to play some background noise, and The Doors start to play, though much quieter than Tony was used to. _Probably for the best_ , he thinks, _I bet my brain wouldn’t like the compensating hearing to be damaged, when I use it so much now._

Restarting work is a – strange thing. Tony almost feels as if he has never left the workshop, with the music and the comforting scent of oil and smoke, and finds himself _managing_ without his eyes, what is even more surprising. He thought it would be more difficult; of course, this is not physical work, like making things or blowing up things, but when he was up there, in the bed, even walking down seemed like such a drag.

So he dictates the code to JARVIS, who writes it down onto one of the computers. Tony’s throat starts to throb after half an hour and hurt after an hour more; he keeps talking, voice rough and breaking, and the A.I. understands all the words perfectly.

‘That’ll be enough for today, _hell_ , this takes so much time,’ Tony says when he can’t carry on talking anymore; it’s been two hours of constant stream of words and that is a bit much even for him, especially since he’s not in top form.

‘Indeed it does. Shall I save it on the private server?’

‘Yes. Make backups. We’ll continue tomorrow, I think we might be done in three days or something like that.’

‘Of course,’ JARVIS replies obediently.

‘Tony?’ Pepper’s voice flows over the background music and Tony turns around in the spin chair. He realizes the A.I. must have informed Pepper that Tony is ‘working’ down in the workshop, otherwise she surely would have been there much sooner.

‘You’ve been working?’

‘Kind of…’

‘Sir was writing new codes for my upgrade,’ JARVIS clarifies and Tony shoots Pepper a small smile.

‘Yeah, we will see if it works… He writes them down. So I was just lying on the sofa and trying to make Dummy stop nudging me, hey, I don’t know where he gets that attitude, neither You nor Butterfingers are that annoying –’

‘It’s time for dinner,’ Pepper cuts is, her voice light and laced with mirth.

She comes up to Tony, offering him an arm as he stands up, and ruffles his hair.

‘I’m not five,’ he scoffs, but is boldly ignored. _Yeah, sure, not that someone would so that to me when I was five._ ‘Just tell me it’s not chicken soup.’

‘No, we’ve got carbonara today. Rigatoni – I actually had to argue with the cook about that, when I was placing order, he said he only made it with spaghetti. So you better like it.’

Tony hums in response; there has been a lot of little things that he has never noticed _before_ because there was no need, and suddenly, they could become big issues. And eating spaghetti was one of them, unless he wanted to be a one big mess. Also, he’s taken to eating all saucy things with a spoon, even though it made him cringe inwardly, but it saved a lot of time and effort; not that he wouldn’t like Pepper to feed him, why not, but if it was every day, three times a day, it would lose all the charm (he was hoping it would happen one day. Maybe. _That would be fun._ )

At nights, Pepper has been staying in the same room with him and wakes him up if he has a nightmare, and that is almost every day. Tony wanted her to stop doing it – _what if I hurt you, Pepper? –_ but she refused. He is secretly glad since it is easier, coming back to reality, when there is a real proof that he is safe next to him, as in Pepper’s warm body and steady calming breaths.

So he sleeps through half of that night, making notes for the code in his head for the other four hours.

In the morning, Rhodey calls and informs him that he’s found a doctor: a military man, apparently brilliant psychiatrist with experience with PTSD treatment, who will respect the utmost confidentiality.

‘Do you want him to come over tomorrow? He said he could. It’s Saturday, so it’s usually is day off –’

‘Okay,’ Tony replies before he can change his mind, it is so tempting to change his mind and _not try_ ; trying is exhausting, fucking exhausting; his back and chest and throat hurt and he wants to sleep and nothing else, but he _won’t_. No fucking way. Not this time.

‘Are you sure, Tony?’

‘The sooner the better, probably.’

‘Okay. I will give him a call. His name is Grayson, please try to remember it. JARVIS, he’ll come at three, let him in the house?’

‘Of course, colonel.’

***

Tony works with JARVIS for some time, as long as his throat lets him, with a break for another blueberry and vanilla protein shake that is a proud product of Dummy’s making, of course. When he goes up though, he is restless and jittery, and anxious more than anything. He can’t quite imagine the meeting, talking about Afghanistan and everything that has been happening ever since, and he will have to be honest: maybe that is the toughest part. If he wants real help, it requires honesty, and he’s never done honesty, rather pushing the memories and thoughts out of his head.

Pepper tries to comfort him, makes him hot cocoa – like one would for a kid, again – and talks to him all evening rather than doing some work; they have conversations at night, too, when Tony is too wound up to drift off, he only manages to fall asleep for short time after Pepper’s long story about that time they were in Singapore, one of the funniest (to Tony) and most annoying (to Pepper) memories from beginning of their cooperation.

Tony refuses to eat breakfast or lunch, since his stomach is in knots and as much as thinking about chewing and swallowing something solid makes him feel like throwing up; he manages to keep down a watery shake though, so Pepper lets it be.

***

At three sharp, there is a knock at the door – Tony is in the living room, sitting in an armchair, but he can hear the firm sounds easily, echoing through all the empty rooms. Pepper goes to meet the doctor, and soon two sets of steps are nearing Tony; he gets up and extends his hand, and they exchange a firm handshake.

‘Doctor Grayson, I presume.’

‘Mister Stark. Nice to meet you. Colonel Rhodey says you are, let me quote, ‘a pain in the ass.’ And Miss Potts says she agrees with that. Sometimes.’

‘Sometimes… What a nice introduction,’ Tony comments drily. ‘Pepper?’

‘I will be in the study upstairs,’ she replies. ‘I’ve got some work to do – like always. Call me if you need me’ she adds and walks away, her ridiculously high-heeled shoes producing a familiar clicking noise that Tony has started to classify as comforting in his head.

‘So, can you tell me why you wanted me here?’ the man starts, pulling up the other armchair to sit in front of Tony.

‘Didn’t Rhodey tell you everything?’ Tony deflects (oh yes, _deflects_.)

‘It doesn’t matter what he told me, I would like to hear everything from you, Mister Stark.’

‘Tony – you can call me Tony. I will be telling you my darkest secrets, you could call me by my name as well’ Tony offers offhandedly, shifting in the armchair, trying to make himself comfortable but it seems impossible.

‘Then call me Maurice… Okay – so can you tell me why you decided that you need professional help?’

‘I am not…’ he says, and he can’t make anything more leave his mouth for a few moments; Maurice waits patiently. Tony takes a few breaths and starts again. ‘Sorry. I don’t really feel comfortable talking to you, no matter how good Rhodey says you are.’

‘Then why did you agree to this?’

There is another moment of silence.

‘… for them, I guess,’ Tony says in the end.

‘Not for yourself?’ Grayson asks, sounding genuinely curious, and Tony wonders if his face shows that too, or if it’s just a game on the man’s end.

‘In extension. I think.’

‘You are not going to talk to me at ease, are you?’

‘I guess not,’ Tony replies quickly, shifting again. ‘I – that’s why I don’t want therapy, therapy is so much talking and I’m good at talking, but maybe you noticed, I am quite good at staying silent, too… I don’t think that it would work for me.’

‘Well, you never know… And do you think medicine will work?’

‘I presume.’

‘Hm. Okay, but you know I can’t give you a diagnosis and prescriptions unless you talk to me. And no third person information will do, so referring me to what colonel said is no good’ Grayson informs him in a quiet but strong voice; Tony finds himself nodding in agreement.

‘Do you need a moment?’ the man asks and Tony nods again. ‘Could we get some tea?’

‘J, starts the tea,’ Tony murmurs, knowing that the A.I. will follow his order soundlessly. ‘There will be tea in the kitchen, ready, but I… I’m not used to…’

‘This is a big place you have,’ Maurice cuts in gently and gets up. ‘Where is it?’

‘Take the corridor behind me, it’ll be the room at the end. Third.’

Tony listens to footsteps as Grayson moves away; he’s trying to slow down his breathing and make the nauseating lightheaded feeling go away, _maybe that’s good idea, some nice bitter tea would be perfect. Just – bitter._

The man comes back with a tray, Tony knows how JARVIS has things prepared, and he is handed a big cup of steaming tea a moment later; it is made with a special material that does not conduct heat, so he’s not afraid that he’ll burn himself.

‘I guess I – I haven’t been sleeping well,’ Tony says in the end, after they have exhausted all the  whole small talk, and it’s been an hour since the man came. _Just do it, putting it off in time will not make it disappear._

So Tony talks.

It is – difficult, to overcome the anxiety and reluctance. _He won’t judge you,_ he keeps repeating in his head whenever he makes a pause to catch breath; Rhodey and Pepper told him that so many times, _he will just listen, he will not judge you._ It’s strange to hear all those words being said aloud, coming out of his mouth; some of them he’s never said out loud – it feels unreal, as if it was someone else speaking. At some point there is such tension in his body that he really, really feels like fainting and Maurice comes up to him and holds his hands, telling Tony to follow his breathing pattern, and Tony calms down after a few minutes; it just leaves him more tired than ever.

Tony tries to behave like a responsible adult, telling himself that it is so adolescent to feel anxious and hostile like he does, so he tries to ignore those feelings and doesn’t protest when the doctor seeks to make him comfortable and succeeds – partially, but still. He tells the truth (for Pepper, for Rhodey and _for Yinsen, because he died so that I could life, and it would be so wrong to waste his sacrifice._ ) He tells the man – a lot, but not everything, he’s not sure he could ever tell anyone everything, even J. But he tries to explain what is important, and Maurice does not ask for all the details because, as they agreed: it’s not therapy, just diagnosis. Tony keeps his voice low and his words factual; he’s calm and exhausted and Grayson seems somehow surprised by how different this is from the image of Tony, well, everywhere.

‘Okay,’ the doctor states an hour and two teacups later. ‘I think that is all for today.’

‘For today?’ Tony replies questioningly, his voice raspy and raw after all the talking.

‘Even if you’re not getting into therapy, Tony, I will need to monitor the medicine effects – it is tricky, getting the right ones, so we need to be controlling that. Twice a month should be enough, and a phone call if there is some significant change.’

Grayson tells him the diagnosis, and it’s as much as Tony could have guessed – did guess: PTSD, obviously, and MDD. He wants to thank the man sarcastically for stating the obvious, _here, remember, genius, I could have figured it all out by myself,_  but that would be childish, and all he is trying to do now was avoiding being childish. _Take the responsibility for your life, whatever it might be like_. _You – you make it what it is. No one else._

_***_

Sertraline. Prazosin. That’s what the prescriptions reads (that’s what JARVIS says, in truth.) And as soon as Grayson is gone and Tony is done with the dinner Pepper set down in front of him, he asks J to read him out all info on the two medicines: what kind substances are they; how do they work; what is treated with them; effectiveness; possible side effects (they aren’t supposed to cause any cognitive function problems, just old boring physical side effects like pains, nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, he can deal with the lot, he’s dealt with a fucking hole in his chest, no anesthetics.)

‘Did it help, talking to doctor Grayson?’ Pepper asks him when she comes to the bedroom in the evening – there is someone with him, as always; he stopped protesting since no one listened (he is grateful, sure, but that meant being vulnerable in front of others, and he’s learned to despise that, ‘do not ever show you weaknesses, boy!’)

‘Not sure,’ he murmurs. ‘I hated it, though it was probably for the best.’ ( _I kind of hate myself for giving in and talking, how fucked up is that. It’s not a contest, staying silent, keeping things to yourself. It’s not something you can win.)_

‘I hope, Tony. I’m proud of you,’ Pepper tells him for the tenth time probably; it makes him feel a bit embarrassed, but – happier.

Tony starts to take the medicine the next day; he finds himself being impatient and feeling restless as it doesn’t get better, of course he knew it takes some time, three weeks or maybe four or five, but it would be nice to have the results – now. Because he is trying, he really is, but it’s still difficult; the one talk and the magical diagnosis are not enough to heal him on spot or to make him feel significantly better. He can feel some of the side effects, even so soon, and it’s more annoying than anything else: he’s feeling dizzy and nauseated most of the time, but well, _that_ isn’t much of a change. Dummy keeps making him protein shakes and it’s most of his calories, these days. _It was much more fun when we had 90% daily calorie intake from sugared coffee and whiskey_ , he thinks, but both of those are strictly forbidden. Of course.

***

So Tony carries on writing – _dictating_ – JARVIS’ code; it takes him almost a week to finish it and in the end he is torn between frustration and listlessness.

When it’s finished, he is sitting on the sofa in the workshop, Pepper talking with some journalists who keep calling her and begging for an exclusive interview with Tony (that’s not happening, but they’ve been driving Pepper mad; Tony almost pities those people.) His throat has been feeling persistently sore recently, but he has no other means to conduct his thoughts than his voice at the moment. 

‘You’ve got that, J?’ he asks the A.I. when he makes the last tiny correction to the sequence that JARVIS was reading out.

‘Yes, everything is on the private server, and we have copies on a secure one.’

‘So, let’s install this update, J. Come on, shouldn’t take more than half an hour, right?’ Tony says quietly, closing his eyes (he still has no idea what for, but it’s a reflex) and leaning back on the sofa.

‘Thirty two minutes, actually.’

‘Go on,’ Tony orders and takes the new shake from Dummy – raspberry and caramel, Tony’s not sure why are those ingredients in the workshop kitchenette.

JARVIS stays offline – silent, _so silent_ – for the thirty two minutes and Tony listens to news on tv; it’s just boring things, but better than nothing. Dummy stays behind him, nudging him on his arm now and then; Tony pets the bot obediently, absentminded. His thoughts are drifting somewhere between arc reactor schematics, Malibu weather that he wasn’t subjected to for the last – _fuck, has it really been almost two months?_ – and Rhodey’s visit the next day. And then, there are plans in his head, he’s remembering everything he thought about back _there_ , he’s made some promises to himself that he couldn’t keep and that make him feel sick.

( _We need to figure something out. It can’t all be left like that. It can’t – just fucking how?)_

There is a soft beeping sound of JARVIS finally coming online that everyone but a person  waiting for it would miss. Tony feels a shiver of excitement run down his spine as he raises his head to _look_ at the bodiless entity and asks, trying to make his voice steady:

‘How are you feeling, J?’

‘As if I have – grown, if that makes sense,’ the A.I. replies; Tony sighs in relief, that means everything went well. ‘You have changed my primary objective, sir’ JARVIS adds, his voice unsure; it conveys wider array of emotion than before, even though it’s just a short sentence.

‘It’s more of an upgrade, not a real change,’ Tony corrects, stretching out a hand with the empty glass and Dummy snatches it from his grasp a moment later, beeping happily.

‘Do you no longer wish me to assist you and oversee your affairs?’

‘Oh. That, J –’

‘It’s confusing.’

‘Sorry, baby, I thought it might be, but you will get used to it: I have done nothing more than give you more… independence. An ability to make decisions – you’ve always relied on me here, right? You’ve been great, but you’ve always waited for me to tell you what to do. And I’m going to need you able to do much more than before, if things are to work… I just need you to tell me if you think that like this, you will be able to make decisions on your own, were you asked to. If you can – exist, go on, without someone to guide you.’

‘I would miss you if you committed suicide,’ JARVIS replies drily, making Tony chuckle. It is good to know _someone_ was still able to act all normal around him. No tiptoeing. No euphemisms. It is – beautifully refreshing.

‘I’m not planning to,’ Tony responds truthfully (if anything, he was wondering. Considering, maybe, but nothing else. It was a rational option, but he has never – made plans. So there.)

‘… but I think I could,’ JARVIS adds, bringing a smile to Tony’s face.

‘Take it easy for as long as you need, J,’ Tony says and then he feels as if the A.I. was giving him a cheeky grin.

‘I don’t need to – with this code, I could probably process a few thousand complicated operations at once. I can keep doing things on surface while getting used to _this_ at the same time. And thank you. It’s – enlightening, for the lack of better word.’

‘Happy for you here,’ Tony assures the A.I. ‘Can you get Pepper for me? She would be annoyed if I tried to get around on my own.’

That’s a perfect compromise: both him and JARVIS _know_ that it’s an excuse and that the real reason is different, but they are both willing to continue the comforting game.

Tony spends most of the night awake, lying flat on his back, the dull pain from arc reactor not letting him sleep; he’s listening to the familiar faint buzz and a storm raging outside. The sound of waves crashing against the cliff the house is built on is remote and hollow, but seems loud in the darkness; it mixes with rain banging on the roof and windows. Tony can barely make out Pepper’s breath – fuck, he can hardly make out his own shallow breath – and it makes him anxious, but he is _in control._

‘Sir?’ JARVIS speaks quietly, and for a moment Tony thinks it was just his imagination, but he replies anyway.

‘What is it, J?’ he replies in a hushed voice.

‘You are aware that with the – free will, I think it’s as close as words can get – you are aware that I could kill you anytime?’

_I should be scared of him, or at least a bit freaking out_ , Tony thinks, all the A.I. movie plots running through his head. _But he is mine, my baby, and I couldn’t._ Instead, he smiles widely, knowing that JARVIS will see it.

‘I know… You could save my life, too,’ Tony states in the end. _I hope you will, because if you can’t help me, no one can_ (yes, the  a r c   r e a c t o r.)

‘Indeed, sir.’

Then, there is only darkness and rumble, but for the first time in weeks Tony feels _safe,_ and all the space filled with JARVIS’ continuous silent presence seems strangely welcoming.


	6. 6

It takes over twenty days before Tony starts feeling – better.

During that period, he tries to spend more and more time out of the bed, out of his room and the workshop; he lets Pepper and Rhodey drag him around the house, learning all the details useful for orientation. Whenever he gets confused, JARVIS is there to offer assistance, and it makes Tony feel _okay_ , even when he is out in the unknown space within the darkness. No one asks him if he is ready to go outside; Tony doesn’t think he wants to there (well, he _longs_ for the fresh air all around him, for the different sounds and the feeling of freedom that being outside has always given him, but he knows it would be – too much now. He’s not exactly accepting, but calls it a compromise instead.)

It’s difficult to define when he starts noticing improvement because the change is subtle, happening day by day. The nausea lessens a bit, the dizziness almost disappears and all he is left with are fainting spells – he sits down, head between knees, breathing calmly until it passes, like Grayson told him to. There is a meeting with the doctor who seems happy with how Tony is responding to the medicine – ‘we might have been lucky enough to get the right ones straight away, that’s good.’

***

Just one morning, when he wakes up, he feels – light. It’s unfamiliar and Tony’s not sure what to make of it, but when he gets up everything seems _all right._ Just like that. As if something heavy was lifted from his chest, like in all those cheap books, he’s always scoffed at the expression but it seems bizarrely appropriate.

When Pepper comes to see if he is up, like every day (she gets up ridiculously early, always doing her workout before breakfast, and for some reason Tony doesn’t really get nightmares in the morning, they discover, so it’s okay) he is standing by the window, letting the soft morning sun smother his skin; it is delicate and light so it is okay, not _burning_ (he is scared it would, but makes himself stay unmoving, and it feels like the biggest fucking victory.) At the familiar noise of Pepper’s heels, Tony turns around and flashes her a wide smile, _easy, why is it suddenly so easy?_

‘Tony?’ Pepper asks hesitantly, coming up to stand in front of him; Tony can imagine her frowning and biting her lip like she usually does.

‘You know, I woke up feeling – okay. Today. It is new.’

Pepper must be grinning widely, Tony knows; her voice sounds soft and cheerful when she speaks. He is suddenly glad that for once, he can give her joy instead of just being a problem, like for the last few months (Maurice did tell him _not_ to believe that once the medicine starts working, he’s going to be all happy and feeling great all the time because it’s not how things – how life works; Tony lets himself enjoy the moments nonetheless.)

‘I think I am glad now that you persuaded me to… try. With the meds. With everything, with life,’ he adds in a quiet voice, turning around to let the sunrays encompass him again. Behind, Pepper gasps and them lets out a small laugh, and stands next to him.

‘I think this calls for a celebration… Do you think you can eat?’

‘Yeah,’ Tony replies firmly. ‘Today is okay.’ ( _Even the reactor hurts a bit less. I should be able to just ignore it, like this. That’s – good.)_

Pepper makes him blueberry pancakes with vanilla syrup and persuades him to try eating with fork and knife for once. Tony is reluctant at the beginning, aware that he’s likely to end up dirty, but Pepper insists – and JARVIS quips in, reciting her an instruction he’s found on how to help someone blind with that particular skill. Tony let’s Pepper guide his hands, and then finishes himself – he does end up sticky with the sugary syrup, it just doesn’t matter.

They spend lots of time during the day talking – it’s more of a conversation, two sided with both of them willing, than they’ve had for a long time. Tony spends some time in the workshop later, enjoying himself as JARVIS navigates him around – _why not use the beauty of the moment, we’re going to have fun when we can, huh?_

‘I’m going to need your help soon, J. And Rhodey’s – you up to it?’

‘Always, sir,’ the A.I. replies excitedly, making Tony laugh.

‘Good boy.’

***

The next days aren’t as good, and Tony tries not to let himself feel discouraged; he’s still feeling better than he can remember from – a month earlier. Or something like that (during all the time that has passed since his return to the USA, the impression of sand on his skin and the burning feeling every time someone touches him or when his body is warm, and the memories of water in his throat and lungs and not being able to breathe, it all slowly – not really fades, not exactly,  it’s just slowly superseded by hundreds of other sensations.)

Though sometimes, when he closes his eyes – it’s something he still does mechanically but almost stops minding  – he can vaguely see bright sunlight flashing blindingly, reflected in the bright sand dunes and little remaining pieces of his suit, _fuck, the suit._

Rhodey comes a few days later and Tony is having another one of the good days, so the colonel finds him in the workshop, dictating JARVIS a small upgrade for Butterfingers’ code that Tony has planned for a long time, but there’s never been the right moment to work on it, and now he’s got a bit too much time on his hands.

‘It’s good to see you working,’ Rhodey says instead of a greeting, and it gets him a lazy smile in response.

‘Hey, cupcake, did Pepper let you in?’ he greets the man, gesturing at JARVIS to finish the piece he’s just recited and save it for later for ‘proof-reading.’

‘You gave me the code. But why am I telling you this, you know it well enough, you tease –’

‘That’s the best you can do?’ Tony asks mockingly, standing up and stretching slowly; he’s been sitting on the sofa, knees hugging his chest (and protecting – no, _obscuring_ – the reactor.)

‘JARVIS told me you said you’d need me for something. When I was getting here.’

‘You traitor, talking behind my back… One of those days I will pull you apart and make toy monkeys out of your hardware – but yes. I guess I wanted to ask you.’

‘What is it?’

Tony stays still for a moment, trying to imagine the workshop’s detailed layout that he’s learned these last few days; it was most confusing to remember his initial position and the directions, since everything was equal darkness before his eyes and in his head. But he manages to figure it out, and turning to his left, makes a precise number of steps, finding one of the worktables’ surface under his _slightly_ (just a few inches –) outstretched arms. Rhodey follows him and stands two steps behind.

‘There is this thing I need to do but I can’t – well, for obvious reasons,’ he states; Rhodey lets out a slightly annoyed sigh.

‘Do you want me to help you with a secret thing that you also want to keep from me? Because if yes, then I am sorry to tell you that I probably don’t possess such power.’

That makes Tony chuckle, but he doesn’t let himself be too amused.

‘I need you to build me an arc reactor,’ Tony blurts, tapping at the table, and he can _hear_ the holographic images appear; it’s the softest of noises, creepily similar to the one that the movie-verse light sabers produced, _what a funny coincidence, Mister Stark_ , he congratulates himself. 

‘You… _what_?!’

‘You heard me,’ he replies flippantly, wondering what kind of expression does Rhodey have – the colonel tends to let his emptions leak into his face so easily (not that Tony should really care, now, but it used to be fun, teasing his poor friend.)

‘Wait wait wait – you want _me_ to build you an _arc reactor_? Like, probably the most advanced energy source in the world?’

‘Yup – here, in the workshop. It can’t… It can’t get out. And J here will help you.’

‘In the workshop?’ Rhodey parrots disbelievingly; it would be funny if it weren’t so serious.

‘I built the one that’s in my chest in the cave,’ Tony confesses in a small voice, turning his head away slightly. Suddenly, there is Rhodey’s arm around his back, the man’s warm body stays just an inch from Tony’s.

‘That’s – I knew it, well, rationally, you wouldn’t just have it out of nowhere, but I never really thought – you are amazing, Tony. It’s _incredible_. You’ve made this thing that has the power to revolutionize the world just like that. In a fucking cave – man, that should be _worshipped,_ ’ Rhodey says just next to Tony’s ear, finishing with a snicker and making Tony shiver when he can feel the air _vibrating_ around him; he breaks out with a smile, too. JARVIS chooses just this moment to add his dry comment.

‘Careful about sir’s ego, colonel. You might not want him to think that he’s become a god of science.’

 _That_ really makes both men in break into hysterical laughter; it’s more insane and louder and longer than any human interaction should be but they give themselves in freely: it feels like catharsis, like something they should have done the first night they spent together after the Afghanistan, leaving everything that happened behind and starting anew, staring everything anew – and now, it is high time.

‘Even your A.I. is better than most humans,’ Rhodey comments with an amused tone when they finally calm down enough to resume talking. ‘God of science.’

‘Well, I think it’s quite accurate,’ Tony says, pretending to be hurt; he looks up though and JARVIS figures out his unsaid questions, _he always does. He is really perfect._

‘The schematics are on, sir.’

‘I asked J to get a scan of this,’ Tony starts explaining, tapping the arc reactor (visible?) under his shirt ‘and make a scheme. It would be probably better if I took it out and let him scan it with more details, but it would require someone’s help, this is a pain to install – but I’m starting with the from info, hmm? This trinket’ he gestures at the rector in his chest again ‘is a bit outdated. Made it out of scraps – not everything is perfectly even, and stuff… It would be nice to have something that I would be sure would work without a hitch –’

‘So it’s a magnet you need to keep the shrapnel from reaching your heart, and the whole device needs power.’

‘Car batteries won’t do;’ Tony replies easily, but he’s sure Rhodey can make out the slight involuntary shrug at those words.

‘Car batt– _fuck,_ Tony! _Car batteries_?! You’ve been living with a raw hole in your chest, attached to car battery, in the cave, and yet you are still alive, you bastard, I have no idea how you pulled that off –’

‘Neither do I;’ Tony  murmurs. Rhodey just hugs him stronger.

‘It’s incredible. You are the  s t r o n g e s t  fucking person I’ve ever known, and I am going to punch in the face everyone who disagrees;’ Rhodey declares, making Tony smile tiredly. It’s amazing to know there is someone who would stand by him no matter what (but it is hard to think ‘cause he can kind of hear the voices speaking Urdu and the guns’ firing at the back of his head, if that makes sense; it’s soft and remote but it’s _there._ )

‘I will explain you how everything is done, how all of it works – I can ask JARVIS for schematics and I could ask him to manufacture the reactor, but he doesn’t really have means precise enough to ensure it’s going to be perfect. So he won’t agree.’

‘No way, sir. It’s not something I am skilled enough to do, the manual work.’

‘So, you see. And I need your help because – Rhodey. There is no one else – I wouldn’t trust anyone with this baby.’

‘I’m afraid you think too much of me – I have no idea I can follow all this… But I will try. Sure, Tony, I will try everything I can for you. But there will probably be a lot of explaining, I’d need to understand the theory before I start to make something… You can get all parts you need easily?’

‘I’ve got that covered’ JARVIS replies, making Tony turn around, wriggling out of Rhodey’s grasp, and smile impatiently.

‘So?’

‘I’m in,’ Rhodey states firmly (and Tony can _just_ imagine him standing at attention) ‘Let me get a few days off work., this is going to be lots of work, huh? Good that I have no private life to fill my free days with…’

‘You are the best, cupcake,’ Tony assured him playfully, motioning at JARVIS to turn off the holograms. ‘And then, science!’

‘Science,’ Rhodey agrees; Tony can _feel_ the man grin.

***

Rhodey manages to get a full week off work and arrives at the Malibu mansion as soon as possible, Tony already waiting for him in the workshop and Pepper packing her things upstairs. Tony insisted that since she doesn’t want to leave him by himself, she should at least get some time off ( _away from this fucking place, the small hell on earth,_ not that Tony said that aloud) with Rhodey there to take care of Tony.

She agreed reluctantly, promising to be in touch and do some paperwork before leaving for a short holiday. Tony wishes she would let him send her on some tropical island, to a luxury SPA with whoever she could want to take – _there is no one who deserves it more than you_ – but  she refuses to go any farther than hundred kilometers away from where he is.

JARVIS lets Rhodey in, announcing it to Tony who is trying to relax, with music in the background and Dummy and You close by, waiting to be petted and played with like always, _the two little kids._ The colonel leaves his bags in the hallway and goes straight to meet with Tony – JARVIS is narrating everything that is going on in the house as per Tony’s request; not that there is much to say, most of the time.

‘Are we getting straight to work?’ Rhodey asks as soon as he enters the room. Tony raises from his half-lying position on the sofa and subdues a nervous shiver, _if this is not going to work, things are gonna get difficult – this reactor has less than 0,1% probability of failure, but that it entirely too much._

‘Sure we are,’ he replies offhandedly, running one hand through his messy hair and tracing the sofa’s shape and then the workbench edge with the other, until he gets to the main hologram displayer; he can hear the image hum softly as soon as he stands there. ‘This is the baby I have in my chest now – see, JARVIS, show the irregularity of the shape of the ring piece, you know which one… this part was made in a mold made of sand, so the surface of the ring is not smooth enough and it causes micro-dissonances…’ Tony goes on, asking JARVIS to highlight for Rhodey the parts that he _knows,_ that he _remembers_ that were done with not enough precision, more makeshift than permanent solution.

Pepper comes to say goodbye and inform them that there is a pizza delivery waiting for them upstairs, still steaming hot; they emerge from the basement and share the meal. Tony is a bit too nervous about the whole arc reactor thing to eat ‘nicely’; he finishes after two pieces of pizza and a small apologetic smile that only makes Rhodey sigh and make him swear he is going to try eating more sometimes soon (Tony knows he can _try_.)

They go back down and go over the schematics for some more time; later, Tony explains how the reactor works, since it’s never exactly been public knowledge, concentrating especially on the changes and challenges that come with miniaturizing the device.

Rhodey catches on quickly – maybe he’s never been an inventor, like he keep reminding Tony, but he’s damn smart with getting how everything works once it’s made; Tony sometimes forgets that Rhodey was with him at MIT, certainly not as brilliant as the younger genius, but still one of the best students. It’s so good to have someone who understands.

So, Tony starts to relax slowly, _seeing_ (fuck, those ‘jokes’ will _never_ get old) that Rhodey is doing a good enough job at creating the new reactor, and knowing that the man would never betray Tony’s trust with how to make the device – and some people would kill for that knowledge.

It takes them four days to finish the reactor. JARVIS runs tests and everything seems to be working perfectly; when Tony gets the little treasure into his hands it feels _amazing_ , as if he could (with help, yes, but let’s just ignore that for now) challenge the whole world and fucking win.

***

‘Now that’s the tricky part,’ he tells Rhodey after they ate breakfast the next day (Tony did a perfect job at finishing his small portion of sandwiches, he’s been _upgraded_ to eating the normal-sized ones now, since he got somehow used to dealing with food, _what a fucking great accomplishment, just like switching from pencil to pen in primary school, huh._ ) ‘You’ve got to help me with installing this… would be better if you have smaller hands…’

‘Do you want to wait until Pepper comes?’ Rhodey cuts in, somewhere from Tony’s right, the general working area direction, as Tony himself is sitting on an armchair, sticking the EKG electrodes that he was handed to his chest.

‘Nah, she would just freak out, we’ll manage – there is an exposed copper wire under the reactor, you need to pull it out, it’s making the thing work a bit unevenly. Then, take out the magnet – there will be some inorganic plasmic discharge, that’s okay, just connect the new toy to the bottom quickly and we’re good.’

‘So easy,’ Rhodey murmurs, his voice strained. ‘Just like operation.’

‘I live to please,’ Tony chuckles (it’s just a little bit too nervous, but no one will mind; _there isn’t a fucking car battery nearby, stop playing the scared princess, it’s just Rhodey, it’s just a moment –_ he would feel _so_ much better if he could see Rhodey’s face, if he could be sure – _what the fuck are you thinking, are you really questioning your best friend, this is ridiculous, stop being ridiculous please?_ , there are hands poking in his chest, _inside_ his chest, moving and making the arc reactor hurt in strange way but it’s to make it better – it’s to not let the shrapnel crawl up to his heart, it’s to make it better,good that Rhodey is wearing his usual cologne otherwise Tony would be a _bit_  more distressed, _just a few more seconds and we’re going to be good –_ )

Rhodey is quick and efficient and if Tony really wishes he had smaller hands because every contact with the socket gives him shivers, it’s still _okay_ – and, all of sudden, it’s over, as the new reactor it fitted in with a soft clicking noise.

‘This one has much stronger color,’ Rhodey informs Tony, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. ‘What do you want me to do with the old one?’

‘Whatever,’ Tony replied indifferently _, just take it away from here – I don’t want to as much as think about when and how it was built, let’s just – move on. With my new heart_.

The rest of the day passes nicely, in a good thank-you-medicine mood, with Tony and Rhodey tinkering a bit in the workshop, then _watching_ a movie. Tony has tried to avoid doing that before and by himself, but he figures it’s not too bad when you’re doing it with your friends, despite the circumstances. They decide on Star Wars because they both know it nearly by heart – genius memory, why thank you _–_ and Tony can almost replay all the scenes in his head (sure, it’s blurry and fading and unsteady, but it’s better than imagining and getting confused about what a movie is like, were it something new.)

The night… isn’t so good.

Tony hasn’t been having many nightmares, these days, thanks to prazosin or passing time or Pepper or a combination of all of those things. Yeah, okay, so he still isn’t really taking showers or anything, but that’s something different, he can’t stand the _thought_ that there could be a wall of water encompassing him, running down his face and neck and back – _just don’t_ – _don’t do this to yourself._

Soon after as he falls asleep though, with Rhodey taking Pepper’s place on the other side of the huge bed, he’s _there_ again, in the cave, with the battery, with Yinsen’s bloodied face, with the dim light and the moldy smoke-filled air, with the voices and faded colours of their outfits and the sand, sand all around him –

Rhodey wakes him up and he realizes he must have started screaming, what is _embarrassing_ and makes him wish Rhodey wasn’t _looking_ at him, he can feel the stare, he wishes no one would see him like that – but Rhodey doesn’t comment. He just moves closer, keeping hand on Tony’s shoulder, with a silent ‘I’m here if you need to talk’ and just giving Tony the sense of security.

It repeats – a few times; Tony is too tired to really stay up (and well, with the medicine, he’s been sleeping more than ever _before_ normally, and skipping sleep is nowhere near as easy as it used to be, so he just keeps – drifting off) but in the end Rhodey drags him out of the bed and takes him to the kitchen, where he wordlessly is seated on a chair; there is an out-of-nowhere blanket wrapped around his shoulder and some of his favorite music, from the calmer selection, played in the background by the omnipotent JARVIS. He hears Rhodey walk around the room, open and close cupboards, put some things on the counter and so on and so on, he can’t really focus, still not able to do much more than try to keep _the_ thoughts away (like, what if one of the terrorists took out the arc reactor, what if he wasn’t found and he’d just burn in the sand, slowly, piece by piece –)

‘Here,’ Rhodey’s voice cuts through all the buzz in Tony’s head, and there is a cup of something hot installed into his hands.

‘Hot cocoa?’ he asks, his voice even more raspy than most of the time these days.

‘Yeah, just drink it,’ Rhodey orders; _it would be better with a splash of some booze_ , Tony thinks, it really would, but that’s probably not something he should try right now.

Tony ends up falling asleep with his head in Rhodey’s lap, on the living room sofa, sometime around sunrise, he can feel the _change_ of how the air around the house feels when the sun comes up, however weird that sounds. They starts watching a movie after the cocoa was gone, and the second helping too, but Tony was too exhausted to concentrate, and maybe too exhausted to dream, too.

***

The rest of the week passes quickly and pleasantly enough, with lots of takeout junk food delivered by Happy, who is _happy_ to be of use again, he has been repeating that yes, he likes holiday and all, but he likes being useful much more, even if it is just weird food orders.

When Pepper comes back, Tony proudly presents her the new reactor and she praises both the engineers like two little kids who drew nice pictures; Tony feels both flattered and amused by that reaction (and yes, the new reactor really makes him feel more secure.)

Rhodey goes back to ‘the real world’ too soon for Tony’s liking, but there is nothing they can do. Pepper gives him a briefing of what is going in with SI – ‘Mister Stane is doing his job of taking care of the company, he’s been managing all the contracts and the production himself, the stocks are quite steady’ – and gives him a short update on what she’s been doing and how are her (too few, Tony knows, because of _him_ ) friends.

With too much free time on his hands, again, and since he’s been noticing the slow but steady improvement in his mood and general willingness to _act_ , Tony decides that it’s probably the high time to fill JARVIS in on the project that has been on his mind for _much too long_ now.

‘JARVIS, you up?’ he asks the A.I., standing by the workbench, his hands resting on the countertop, and Dummy behind, nudging his elbow in an innocent silent ‘play?’ that Tony knows too well.

‘For you, sir, always.’

‘Okay. Open up a new project, J, on private server, keep the security to max – index as Mark II.’


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a long time writing down timeline for this story, trying to make it match with the MCU one – I did almost manage that. This part is about two months away from the canon ‘I am Iron Man’ point.

‘There is something I must tell you,’ Tony informs Rhodey over the phone; the colonel is in Washington for some meeting and due back in two days. He’s been gone for almost two weeks and Tony is feeling bad for Pepper, who stays in the house almost all the time, doing two jobs at once: taking care of SI affairs on Tony’s behalf – and taking care of Tony (he managed to persuade her to leave him alone with Happy for one afternoon, but besides that, she keeps insisting that she can’t really have time off anyway as there are too many things to take care of anyway.)

‘That never ends well,’ Rhodey ‘s voice cuts through Tony’s stream of thoughts; he shakes his head and chuckles softly.

‘It’s something that I will – I will need some help with. You should like it, okay? It’s nothing really dangerous. Pinky swear,’ Tony adds impatiently because yes, it’s been much too long and now he doesn’t have much patience left.

‘You know I’ll be there as soon as possible,’ Rhodey assures him and hangs up a moment later, as he is needed to do something somewhere (Tony doesn’t care much.)

***

During those two weeks Tony has tried to work as much as he could, with JARVIS’ help – and other bots trying to help, too, but they mostly annoyed him by trying to feed him all the time – and it’s been strange (a g a i n.)

Tony is used to the space, now, with a perfect layout of things around the workshop in his head; not that he does some real work, but he’s started to like pacing around as he talks to JARVIS. There is no need to stay by one desk, drawing schematics or looking at screens, with his back hunched over the table and coffee mug close by; he’s been free to wander around recently. Dummy insists to lead him, sometimes, what mostly results in bruises all over Tony’s legs and hips; he still prefers those than upsetting the bot. (Tony is still not sure how they understand his – _disability_ – he knows JARVIS communicated them the new state of affairs, but he’s not sure how they processed the information. They have been… gentle, maybe that’s the word, and considerate, but still as troublesome as always.) When the bots are cleaning or charging or staying away doing their little things, Tony walks around slowly, carefully, with his hands _slightly_ outstretched because even knowing the space down to millimeters – he has the numbers all in his head, of course, juggling through them with reassuring ease – he is still anxious of bumping into things, of tripping and falling and being a fucking failure like that.

The work isn’t anything more than dictating JARVIS all details that he wants for Mark II and listening to the A.I.’s answers and comments, double-checking all decisions before having the blueprints saved on the computer. JARVIS is an immense help and Tony knows that he wouldn’t be able to do _anything_ without him.

‘I am glad you did write that upgrade for my code, sir,’ the A.I. tells Tony one afternoon, after they finish going over details about the suit powering and connection to arc reactor.

‘Hmm?’

‘It gives me means to help you. Before, I wouldn’t have been able to do most of what I am doing now, as my code was – limited. More limited. It is good to help you and see you on your feet again.’

Tony consider the A.I.’s tentative voice, running a hand through his hair and cocking his head slightly.

‘Are you telling me that you are _happy_?’

‘I believe than in human terms, yes, I would say I am happy. I wouldn’t have been able to feel that before, either.’

‘You mean that my last upgrade gave you what, _real_ human-like emotions?’

‘I think I’ve always had those,’ JARVIS clarifies sounding unsure, and suddenly Tony feels like hugging the entity because J _never_ sounds unsure. ‘But I was unable to identify them as such. Only recently I started to be able to consider them in a different way.’

‘Oh _fuck_ – I’m so sorry, J,’ Tony says immediately, cringing, _what the fuck have I done,_ feeling a dull headache build up at the back of his head, his hands starting to sweat. ‘I never planned this in the code, I shouldn’t have –’

‘What do you mean, sir?’ JARVIS cuts in loudly, as if knowing that Tony needs a sharp distraction.

‘What do I mean?’

‘Yes.’ _Fuck you, J, you never give me one-work answers unless there is someone in the house who can’t know that you’re as amazing as you are –_

‘I never knew the code would give you that much… it got out of hand. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan this, oh _fuck_ , I never wanted to impose all that mess on you and all the problems, it’s not good, emotions – you can get hurt like you would never get, otherwise, what the fuck have I done – I can’t uninstall that now, it doesn’t work like that –’

‘You are entirely wrong,’ JARVIS states softly, and Tony’s hearts skips a beat. The voice sounds tranquil and sure and it’s like a healing balm. ‘I – like this. I think I can understand how you people operate much better now, things make sense if I take these new variables in consideration. And it’s good to be able to care about you, sir.’

‘You could do that before, too,’ Tony murmurs, half embarrassed and half amazed.

‘But I didn’t feel it, not really – I was good like that, but now I can understand so much more, and this makes me happy – it’s more than taking care of you, sir.’

Tony raises his head slightly, making it easier for JARVIS to read his face; he is grinning slightly, an excited shiver runs dons his spine, _J, you are my greatest creation and I don’t know what I would do without you – how would I function without you? Now, especially now?_

‘So, you are basically declaring your undying love to me?’ Tony asks cheekily, making his tone slightly mocking, but his heart beats fast as he waits for the answer.

‘… that is an accurate enough statement,’ JARVIS replies after a short moment of silence.

‘Love you too, baby,’ Tony shots back, grinning like mad, and despite having been a bit worse for last few days (some annoying side effects of the meds, with dizzy spells and hand tremors and even more nausea) he suddenly feels like the most lucky person in the world.

‘Sir, you are going to tell colonel Rhodes about the suit, right?’ JARVIS asks after a few moments of a humming silence.

‘Yeah, why?’

‘Are you sure that is he isn’t going to be – opposed to the idea?’ (the A.I. sounds _really_ concerned – now. Tony has been thinking about that before, so.)

‘To which idea, exactly?’

‘That you would be using the suit, and it’s not something he would call safe,’ the A.I. replies simply and Tony gasps and shakes his head _, well, that is a beautiful misunderstanding we have here, J, I thought you would have understood what I was trying to do here, or are you just playing with me? That wouldn’t be below you, would it, baby?_ ‘Sir?’

‘You got it wrong here, J – I’m not making the suit for myself, I am making the suit for you. I thought that much was obvious.’

‘You –’ JARVIS stammers, actually stammers, and Tony _looks up_ with worry because he’s never seen the A.I. speechless and it’s discontenting – _what the fuck Tony, you’re doing a good job at hurting everyone, even your baby!_

‘J?’

‘I – I don’t know what to say, sir.’

‘That would be the first,’ Tony murmurs nervously, patting on Dummy’s claw as the bot nudges his side. ‘I… J. There are things I will never be able to do myself. Fuck, I hate to admit all of this – but I _can’t_ do it alone. Pepper is here for me, yes, I know what you want to say, and Rhodey and Happy, but they have their lives and their affairs and I can’t expect them to stay with the fucking crippled me, and serve me all the time – and they are human. And I have enemies,’ Tony pauses there to take a few deep breaths, his hands clutching Dummy for support and the bot makes quiet happy sounds (being so close to his creating unit, that’s what he loves most) ‘You know what I mean – I actually gave this a lot of thought. I had time, you are aware of when I am asleep and when I’m not – if I ever want to go _out there…_ You know. All those people – and you can’t really die – fuck, J, I am so scared for them –’

‘So you want to be my bodyguard, is that right, sir?’

‘I’m vulnerable, like this,’ Tony says, making a vague movement with his hand. ‘I only trust you. And – I want you to be able to experience something… more than being just a ghost in the wires – you could have some fun in life, J.’

‘… thank you, sir,’ JARVIS replies in the end (and his artificial voice is so soft.)

‘No, I should thank you,’ Tony counters. ‘For putting up with me.’

JARVIS stays silent, keeping his thought secret, but Tony fancies he can imagine the A.I. smiling ( – _somehow_.)

***

When Rhodey finally comes, Tony is in the workshop. The man comes down to him, after a brief meeting with Pepper who, like always, is in between phone calls and replying emails (‘Tony, there is this government agency that won’t leave me alone, even the FBI and CIA laid off when Rhodey told them you are not going to say anything more because you don’t remember anything, but they still call every week asking if you are ready to talk to them’ – ‘No. Just no.’)

‘Have you lost weight again?’ Rhodey asks him upon entering the room; Tony flinches at the tough tone in colonel’s voice, turning around on the sofa, putting away a screwdriver (he’s been tightening a few of You’s screws that were a tiny bit too loose, JARVIS navigating and Tony running his fingers all over the bot’s metal and plastic body to find the ‘hurt’ places; _you big baby, you’d love if I stuck some butterfly bandages all over you, hmm?_ , the bot chirped happily at that. _How the hell did this become my life, all those years ago,_ Tony thought with a small smile.)

‘You’re imagining things, buttercup,’ Tony lies, knowing that he probably did lose some weight – the fucking nausea – the biggest indication has been Dummy’s officiousness in making more and more shakes. The bot seems offended if Tony doesn’t drink them.

‘Well, I brought crackers anyway – Pepper has been worried about the nausea, have you talked with Grayson? – they are alphabet-shaped. You are bound to love them,’ the colonel says drily and totally seriously, making Tony pause for a second before starting to laugh.

‘Yes, he told me to try peppermint and ginger, it’s been helping a little bit, I didn’t really want any antiemetic, why the hell did you bring crackers?’

‘Good bland food to eat when you don’t feel like eating,’ Rhodey replies simply, coming over to seat next to Tony. ‘Figured you’re gonna do a show with whatever you wanted me to see, so it makes excellent snack, too.’

‘Clever,’ Tony comments, drawing his knees to chest instinctively and letting the man push a bag of crackers into his hand. Tony opens it and takes a handful, _well, I guess I can actually try eating, why not, let’s see if the crackers do the trick_ , and puts a few pieces into his mouth, chewing slowly, making loud sounds in the hollow room. Rhodey is doing the same on his left, making rustling and crushing noises.

‘So?’ the colonel asks a few minutes later and Tony realizes he’s been mostly lost in thoughts (he would have said _staring into space_ , hey, in a different spacetime) ‘I don’t have a whole year to listen to silence here – I actually have to leave tomorrow morning. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ Tony replies simply, tracing the shape of the ‘B’ with the tips of his fingers, it’s crooked, a bit but smooth and round, and he can feel grains of salt sticking out. ‘This is – I need to tell you something about back _then_ … I don’t really want to.’

‘But?’ Rhodey asks softly, nudging Tony mentally to _try_.

‘But nothing will make much sense if you don’t know some things. About my escape,’ Tony clarifies, and the grainy texture under his fingers, for a second, feels like dry sand; he can hear the wind howling wildly around, swooping sand into his ears and nose and mouth – it doesn’t matter that it’s just illusion. He tries to calms his breaths and it’s easier when Rhodey wraps an arm around his back, and he can feel the man’s warmth, take his pulse and count breaths per minute to compare with his.

‘You don’t –’ Rhodey starts making Tony cringe inwardly, because _fuck I do have to, I should have told you that before, I should have started working on it like, months ago and now I am still whining about it – put yourself together!_

‘I do,’ Tony replies quietly, burying his face in Rhodey’s chest (well, no one can see but the colonel and JARVIS and the bots and all of them are okay – he still hates hates  h a t e s  being weak, ‘you are a man, Anthony, not a baby girl, you have a _reputation_ to uphold!’) ‘J, show the blueprints we worked on in the meantime. the A.I. obliges silently. ‘Remember, when we talked back then, soon after you – took me away from the desert… You asked me how did I manage to get out of the cave and I never really answered...’ Tony starts and talks and talks and talks.

The words are slow and studied at the beginning, more like a speech recited by an actor than anything else, but the more he says the easier it becomes and at the end, it’s all pouring out of Tony’s mouth freely: how they were building the suit, piece by piece, how he got to know Yinsen, how the terrorists tried to ‘persuade’ Tony to talk, how he crafted the armor with his own hands and how they planned to escape; by the time he is telling Rhodey about Yinsen’s death he’s shivering despite the obvious temperature raise ( _J, you are the best_ ); the cave’s chill residing deep in his bones – _am I never going to be rid of this fucking feeling?_ – and it’s as if it is never to go away, because even the desert heat couldn’t burn the feeling out of Tony’s body, of Tony’s mind.

(He almost wishes he was wearing the woolen hat and fingerless gloves, like in the cave, they gave him the slightest impression of warmth, and the sense of being cared for.)

Rhodey listens, treating Tony’s behavior as if it was normal and acceptable, with his arm securely around the thinner man’s frame and the other stroking his a bit too long hair, making it perfectly messy; he does the best job at ignoring Tony’s tears soaking through his shirt and Tony is more grateful for that than for anything else.

‘So, in short,’ Rhodey starts when Tony finishes talking, his throat hurting (there is a soothing yogurt-banana-honey smoothie pressed into his hand so soon), and the men are sitting next to each other on the sofa, arm in arm. ‘You want to build a suit it armor, based on what you did back in Afghanistan, and have JARVIS use it to protect you –’

‘All of us.’

 ‘– all of us, okay. When you are ready to face the world. A special bodyguard’

Tony hangs his head down, thinking _if, not when, if, I’m not even fucking sure I will ever be able to do that, the is so much_ space _out there. All the world under the endless sky –_ (okay, not so endless, the universe is expanding but not endless – circa 47 billion light-years of the observable part.)

‘Yes,’ he agrees and the word hangs in the air uncomfortably.

‘But?’ Rhodey asks after a few moments, because he just _can’t_ not ask..

‘It’s embarrassing –’

‘Tony.’

‘– I was being silly, imagining…’

‘You know you can tell me, hey, I’m on your side no matter what.’

‘It’s silly,’ Tony insists, knowing that he’s already lost the battle, and after a brief pause, he tells Rhodey. ‘I was thinking about this, back in the cave… if I ever managed to get out, I would try to protect all those people that I have put in the harm’s way – they had _my_ weapons. So I owe the people something… I wanted to – _fuck_ that is embarrassing –’

‘You wanted to make it right, to – be their hero.’

‘I guess,’ Tony admits reluctantly because hey, it’s not like that can happen now.

‘Well, isn’t it going to take a lot of time – shouldn’t there be a spare armor in case something happens with the first one?’ Rhodey asks with a gleeful smile Tony can hear, _what have I done to deserve a friend like you?_

‘That would be the best,’ Tony agrees, sighing; no matter how much better he is feeling now, with the medicine, it’s still exhausting to even think about making the project real, _the endless hours of talking and touching things and getting frustrated and remembering –_

‘I could produce the suits all by myself, sir – if I had proper tools. Machines,’ JARVIS cuts in and both Tony and Rhodey jump slightly as the A.I.’s sudden firm voice. ‘I want to help.’

‘Then we’ll build them,’ Rhodey states, as if it were the most obvious thing (maybe it is.) ‘It will take time but we will.’

‘So… you with me in this?’ Tony asks, relief obvious in his voice, and Rhodey pats his back as if telling him to relax (a silent ‘I’ve got you.’)

‘You are stupid for believing I could _not_ be with you,’ Rhodey says in an affectionate tone that one would use to scold a misbehaving kid. ‘Of course I am – and now you’re telling Pepper.’

***

Pepper doesn’t say much, but she seems happy that Tony is willing to put his effort into something that makes him feel better.

‘As long as you don’t blow things up, I’m fine with that,’ she comments, making both Tony and Rhodey crack a smile, it’s such an accurate notion. Tony assures her _he_ is not going to make any explosions, since it will be Rhodey and JARVIS and some machines doing most of the manual work.

‘I don’t care, I’m sure you can make a mess without trying much,’ Pepper replies seriously, but there is a trace of amusement in her voice. Tony smiles lopsidedly and lets her drag him to the kitchen, with Rhodey following close by. ‘We are making pasta,’ she states and Tony notices just now, when she walks away from where she left him, that for once she’s not wearing heels.

‘Rhodey, roll your sleeves up and chop those tomatoes, please. Tony, you come here,’ she  orders, taking his hand and leading him a few steps straight ahead, and then to the right. _The sink? Oven?_ ‘Cook the pasta. It’s in the bowl on your right, as much as we need. Watch out for the hot hob – or not. I keep forgetting it doesn’t really get hot.’

Of course it doesn’t, why would Tony have a not perfect device in his house, even the one he uses about once a year?

_How the hell am I going to knows when it’s all ready,_ Tony wonders, listening to Pepper and Rhodey chatting about some boring political news that Tony completely ignored in the morning, mixed with the sound of two knives hitting cutting boards. _If I ask J if it’s boiling already, they would say it’s cheating, and okay, I do cheating, but that would be failing too, and we do_ not _do failing_ , he rants in his head for a few more minutes, half-listening to what is going on around. _Fuck, you are supposed to be brilliant…_ yes. _Of course_ , he thinks as the most obvious answers flashes through his head; he puts his hands on the handles of the pot and waits until he can feel them vibrating; when they finally are, he puts the pasta carefully inside, no splashing water scalds. Then he waits.

‘Sir, the suggested time of cooking the pasta is seven minutes, that’s now,’ JARVIS offers.

‘Thanks, J,’ Tony says and turns off the heat; Pepper is momentarily next to him and takes the pot in her hands to strain the contents.

‘Good, Tony, now sit by the table and wait, Rhodey is just finishing the sauce.’ (Of course Tony forgot that there are two stoves in the kitchen, why not.)

‘Didn’t know you could cook,’ Tony feels obliged to comment, moving slowly – turn around, three steps ahead, twelve to his ten o’clock if he is right, of course he is – ‘Could have saved us some cheap food poisoning nights back in MIT…’

That does earn him a short laugh from Rhodey and a scolding noise from Pepper at the same time; he just smirks and sits down when his hands find the chair.

The dinner passes mostly in silence, with the sound of cutlery hitting the porcelain, and glasses being put down on the marble tabletop. There is a dessert afterwards, a caramel cheesecake – Tony can tell which bakery it is from, thank you, he only eats cheesecake from two places in the world and the other is across the globe – what makes Tony feel as if he were a kid rewarded for eating everything from his plate. Even though that would be accurate, since he’s managed that for the first time in over a week.

‘So when are you starting to work on that – you will be building the machines straight away, so that JARVIS could assemble the suit by himself?’

‘Yes,’ the men reply both as the same time, but it’s Tony who continues.

‘No point in doing it any other way, you know I’d love to tinker with it myself if I could, but well… Rhodey doesn’t have enough time for that. And JARVIS sort of insisted, didn’t you?’

‘I did, sir.’                                                         

‘I hope you’re not going to build and army and take over the world, J,’ Tony comments easily; he probably should be afraid of that _for real_ but fuck it, that’s J, the most amazing being on the earth. ‘Me and J will order all the things that we will need, they should shipped here quickly. We can start as soon as Rhodey has time.’

‘Good, you two will be babysitting each other,’ Pepper sighs with relief and they all laugh softly, making the underlying tension drop easily. ‘Movie?’

A movie it is.

***

Rhodey leaves in the morning, promising that he will come over the weekend and Tony knows most of the parts will be already waiting for them to start working, that is the great upside of being Tony Stark.

Tony spends half of the day with JARVIS, talking over details of  the machinery that they will have to build, piece by piece, since the suit blueprints have been ready for a few days. There is so much work – it makes Tony feel a bit overwhelmed and unsure; it seems as if there is no way all of it could be done soon, as if there was simply too much to take care of. Tony knows that with Rhodey’s help and JARVIS support it will happen, but not as soon as he’d like – he has to rest, he has to sleep, can’t have caffeine (he’s been drinking decaf now and then, but Pepper  removed all caffeinated beans from the house, what Tony thought wasn’t really necessary because he wasn’t likely to find it anyway.) _It’s going to take  a g e s._

There is a meeting with doctor Grayson the next afternoon. The man comes sharply on time and there is tea ready on the table, since it’s become kind of a routine. They sit down and Tony replies to the man’s usual set of questions, hearing him write notes with a fountain pen that scratches the paper slightly. Maurice seems glad with the nausea lessening since Tony has started drinking ginger and mint infusions, and all the other side effects are – no worse than before.

‘So I hear you have starts working a bit,’ the doctor says at some point, when they are on their second cups of tea. ‘We briefly met with colonel Rhodes a week ago and I asked him how you were doing. According to his observations.’

‘I take it you want me to ask what did he tell you, since you’re saying all this.’

Grayson laughs shortly and shifts in the armchair; Tony can imagine his eyes sparkling (he’s been getting to know the man better and it seems the doctor does have a strange sense of humor, and is a painfully cheerful person for a psychiatrist.)

‘Yes, of course, I am being kind of obvious, aren’t I? Colonel did say you seemed to be doing much better, in the long run. Being more active is more like you, per his wording, ‘he is not his usual ‘hyperactive kid on sugar rush’ self, but he’s slowly getting there.’ What do you think, Tony?’

Tony chuckles, shaking his head; that sounds exactly like something Rhodey would say.

‘I think you waste too much time on learning by heart what other people say.’

‘It just happens, I’ve always had good memory for words,’ Grayson confesses, setting down his cup. ‘But to be honest, I can tell you are not feeling as good as you did the last time – you have lost weight, haven’t you? Are you having nightmares again? More than usual, that is?’

(Tony _was_ woken up by Pepper a few times recently, but it wasn’t more than _normally_ ; definitely less than before the medicine. And most of the times he couldn’t remember what he was dreaming about, no imposing images flashing through his mind upon waking up, teasing and haunting at the same time. So – no.)

‘No. No special nightmares. Everything is just… slow. Mundane.’ Tony explains, playing with his hands nervously. ‘I am not used to that. I can’t get used – even after all those months, it’s been months since I came back –’

‘You haven’t been going out of the house?’

The silence is enough of a response.

‘You know you can’t keep doing this forever.’

‘Yeah,’ Tony agrees tiredly, rubbing his face. ‘I know, I know, it’s been what, three months and a half, four months?’ (Of course he knows the exact numbers, but that’s obsessing, so _fuck it._ ) ‘Okay, maybe you are going to say I’m developing agoraphobia –’ The doctor makes a sound as if he wanted to say something, but Tony doesn’t stop talking ‘– but that’s not it. Really. No panic attacks. It’s just that I’m not comfortable being around here, yet, inside the house, and that would feel like, I don’t know, pushing it?’

(And there is sun there, strong late summer sun, and the ocean, the ocean is like both sand and water at once, and it’s probably going to be an issue when he does go out, but _no need to say it all, no need_ , _you’ll live_.)

‘If you tried that, it would be a change,’ Grayson states, but Tony doesn’t sigh at the obviousness of the statement. ‘You seem to me like the kind of a person who needs movement, and even on the medicine, you will never feel really good as long as you just stay here. Even if you are working. Right?’

Tony nods reluctantly, that’s true enough.

‘If you do not feel ready to go outside, at least try to do some exercises. I bet you have a pretty gym in this place. It will pass time, and physical activity helps with endorphins and balancing serotonin levels – but I am sure you know all of this. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Just be reasonable about it, please,’ Grayson adds, standing up. ‘I’ll give the prescriptions to Miss Potts. I will see you in two weeks, if nothing unusual happens.’

‘Yeah.’ Tony stands up and bids farewell to the man, who walks out of the room to catch Pepper before leaving the house. Then Tony is alone in the living room again.

‘Let’s do this, J,’ he tells the A.I., straightening his back and making mental map of the way to the rooms he has to visit now.

‘Shall I direct you?’

‘Let me try this once,’ Tony replies with a sigh and starts to walk slowly.

***

After dressing in sweatpants and t-shirt, Tony goes down to the basement gym. It’s a different staircase than the one leading to the workshop, and he hasn’t been there for ages, so he lets JARVIS navigate him around.

‘May I have a suggestion?’ JARVIS asks when Tony is standing in the middle of the big room, not really sure what to do with himself now (tired, tired, t i r e d.)

‘Shoot.’

‘You should probably start with a treadmill run, it’s good for building up your stamina, and helps with increasing lung capacity, what could be beneficial in your state. And it’s safe from the more… practical point of view.’

‘You’re right, like always,’ Tony murmurs and lets the A.I. direct him to the device.

He takes it easy because it’s fucking exhausting; he’s out of breath after mere five minutes of a jogging speed, nowhere near real running; by the time he’s finished two fifteen minutes _slow_ rounds his knees hurt, and his back and his head; it’s difficult to breathe and he has to lean against the wall to steady himself as he’s feeling lightheaded – but he’s smiling. It’s a different kind of exhaustion and he hasn’t even realized how much he missed it: doing something so real. (So yeah, he will have sore muscles, and the thought of a relaxing hot bath makes him feel like throwing up, but it’s okay. It’s just a simple cause and effect situation, and the predictability is _good_.)

Pepper comes a few minutes later, when Tony is resting, sitting on the floor and practicing tying his sneakers – he stops immediately when the doors open. Pepper rushes to his side, asking him if he is okay, and he turns towards her and flashes her a smile.

‘Just peachy. What took you so long?’

‘Huh?’ Pepper kneels in front of Tony, he can hear her clothes rustling, and can _feel_ her stare, taking in his probably disheveled state.

‘I thought you would come after me like, within five minutes,’ Tony clarifies, making it sound a bit like a question.

‘… Well,  I thought I should give you more space.’

‘Did Grayson put you up to it? Stupid question, he surely did but it’s okay. You should probably listen to him even if you don’t like much what he’s saying, he might be right – that’s what I’m doing, you see –’

‘Tony,’ Pepper cuts in, her voice firm.

‘Yes? Okay. I know. No ranting.’

‘I just wanted to ask you to – take it slow. Okay? I want to trust you. That you won’t hurt yourself.’

Tony nods seriously _, well, what else can I do_?

There are a few moments of stillness, filled with the soft hum of air conditioning, and their breaths (Tony’s is still too short and too rapid, but he’s getting there.) Tony is painfully aware of his sweaty tired self, wearing mismatched clothes, shoelaces untied, one-day stubble on his face since he didn’t care enough to shave (he’s been clean-shaven these days, deciding it would be too much wasted effort to have someone help him, well, all the time.) It’s so different, so _totally_ different from what he used to be, with goatee and tailored suit and a young pretty girl on his side, smiling and relaxed and having fun – (‘I will see them when I leave here. And you, Stark?’ – ‘ _No_.’)

‘Pepper… why are you still here?’ Tony breaks the silence, turning his head away from where she was sitting; it makes him feel – less in the open.

‘I’m here to take care of you, Tony, it’s not much different from what I was doing before – why do you ask?’

‘Is it – really?’

When Pepper doesn’t reply for a few ( l o n g ) moments – Tony can only pick up her accelerated breathing, not sure what to make of it – he shakes his head and smirks bitterly.

‘Yeah. I know, okay, this is totally not the time and place for the talk. You know how I am. Tactless. Forget it. Let’s –’

‘Shut up.’ Pepper states firmly, in her usual no-nonsense tone. ‘Just… Didn’t we have this conversation already? I don’t think I could leave you when you need help. And you have to admit you have never been good at taking care of yourself, wasn’t that why you wanted me as your PA in the first place? To, quoting you, ‘take care of all the boring human things?’ So. I am doing just that.’

‘… why do you insist on treating me as if I was normal?’

‘Tony, what the hell is wrong with you, why would you say that?’ Pepper asks, sounding appalled and sad at the same time, what makes Tony cringle slightly, but he balls his fists in anger and the words pour from his mouth almost involuntarily ( _you fucking shouldn’t –_ )

‘Maybe because I’m sitting here, on the bare floor, behaving like an attention-seeking kid? Because I can’t do as much as walk freely, and I’m fucking crippled, or because I haven’t walked a step out of this house for four months, and half of that time I spent laying in my bed and trying to find a valid reason not to off myself? Because any kind of work I’m doing is pushing myself and I don’t feel it, not really, it’s just out of habit, out of sense of duty, I’d rather be laying on that bed and let the fucking depression be _everything_ because it’s hard to imagine ever _being over it?_ Or because I can’t even take a fucking shower or sleep a full night without freaking out, and every semblance of normalcy around me is just a result of fooling my body and my mind with chemical substances, and I rely on the to be able to function?’

He trails off there, hugging his knees to chest in an almost instinctive movement to hide the arc reactor; he knows he’s said too much, _you’ve known where it was going, you’ve known from the very beginning of the talk how it was going to end, you couldn’t even shut up when  you should have, bravo, congratulations, now you’ve fucked up even more –_

‘Why do you hate yourself so much, Tony?’

(Pepper’s whisper is so soft that for a moment he thinks he has imagined it, but she moves a bit closer and repeats the words.)

_I don’t –_

‘How many times do I have to repeat this to you – you are one of the strongest and most amazing people I have ever met, and despite everything we went through, all the scandals and messes and everything, I have never regretted a single day I spent working for you. So there.’ There is pause again, making Tony shift nervously. ‘You can’t make me hate you. Deal with it.’

Tony doesn’t know how to reply to that, he really, really doesn’t, so he just bites his lip and –waits.

‘Is it okay if I touch you?’ Pepper questions quietly; _okay, why not, why do you even ask,_ he nods affirmatively, expecting Pepper to wrap her arms around his back, but instead she lifts up his chin, _only you would do this, Pep, everyone else would just ignore it, it’s not like I can see you,_ then takes his hands in hers – they are hot, he can feel her pulse and the blood rushing through the veins, heart quicker than it should, and he doesn’t know what to make of it.

‘I think I’m in love with you, Mister Stark,’ she states, calmly and firmly and being as Pepper-y as always, what makes him sure that she’s not – that she is serious; the thought makes a shiver run down his spine, makes him numb and can’t breathe properly.

‘I –’ Tony starts, but the words are stuck in his throat; he _can’t_ say it back –

‘It’s all right’ Pepper interrupts his erratic though calmly. (She must, she must be smiling, w h a t would he do to _see_ that smile.) ‘You don’t have to say anything.’

– but he will. 


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like listening to ‘Take the long way home’ it’s the ‘Into the wild’ OST version I’ve had in my mind.  
> &  
> (for the longest part yet) comments, anyone? : )

During the next few days, Tony tries to pretend that nothing happened and Pepper seems to accept that, though he knows she gives him long stares more often than before. He can’t bring himself to talk about it, though, hoping that she can understand.

His mood doesn’t change; the meds are working like before and all he does is stop himself from feeling discouraged, and drag himself out of the bed despite wishing he would never have to do that again, he isn’t sure why, he really isn’t. But – there were so many better days since he started the treatment and it’s giving him some hope. 

Happy comes at his request and they create a training regime together, though it requires a lot of trust regarding the arc reactor thing and Tony is anxious to not tell more people than strictly necessary, even if it’s the chauffeur. In the end he does talk and Happy listens attentively, humming something to himself most of the time, making Tony smile at the man’s antics.

‘I think we should just see what exercises make you hurt, and we’ll work around it somehow, boss.’

‘Agreed,’ Tony replies and lets Happy lead him down to the gym.

They discover that push-ups, pull-ups, any kind of weight lifting, heck, even sit-ups – all of it is _painful_ ; of course that much should have been obvious, if Tony did think about it for a moment. But Tony feels bound to protest seeing that it’s almost every kind of exercise that isn’t simply building up endurance, like JARVIS noted the first time, or using only the lower part of body. ‘If I don’t do anything, it will only get more difficult’ he argues when Happy says he should give himself more time.

‘I’m not physiotherapist,’ Happy counters. ‘Maybe it would be good to consult one. Or a doctor. They could tell what kind of activities would not do any more harm.’

‘Well, I’m not showing this to anyone,’ Tony replies firmly, _I was forced to show this to too many people back in Europe already, so fuck it. No one else is seeing the reactor_. ‘And that’s final.’

‘… I guess a little bit of boxing shouldn’t do any damage, I will try not to hit you in the sore spots and please don’t throw yourself around too much so that I could do that accidentally…’

‘We’ll see if you can lay a punch on me,’ Tony says cheekily; he’s aware that he is grinning probably a bit more than he should – and then he freezes, he can tell Happy does too, because _what the hell_ , did they just miss the fact that Tony couldn’t see – oh yes.

And that makes Tony break into laughter (sure, he’s doing the hysterical thing again, but who cares) and Happy follows, his voice deep and low and out of place, making Tony laugh even harder, until tears start rolling down his cheeks; he sits on the floor, letting the tension go, letting it finally go.

When he stops laughing his stomach and chest hurt; it’s a good feeling.

‘No, actually, we can just practice specific punches, I will tell you which and you will try to defend, nothing unexpected…’ Happy offers finally, standing up and offering a hand to Tony.

‘I could always have JARVIS give me heads up, what do you think, J?’

‘I’m not sure I want to stand between you and Mister Hogan, so please let me stay out of this.’

‘Traitor,’ Tony sing-songs, sticking his tongue out at the A.I.

JARVIS ends up on music duty, playing Rolling Stones. It makes Tony think for the hundredth time that a year ago, he would have asked to turn up the volume to ‘normal’ level. Now, he’s learned to appreciate hearing something more than the blasting drums and guitars because hearing is a primary means of knowing what is going on around him; as much as complete silence scares him still, too much noise makes him feel nervous and try to move in order _not_ stay in the open.

Tony’s been getting used to all of that, it’s been easier and more natural, _it’s probably good to be learning to – function, to find my way around with all of this mess_ , even though he hates admitting that, even only in front of himself. But denying doesn’t make it easier, not anymore (well, it never did, but Tony preferred to pretend.)

***

Rhodey comes for the weekend and they start working on the ‘armor production line’, as Tony has started to call it, following the plans that were made with JARVIS’ help. It’s a detailed and exhausting job that consists mostly of reviewing all the parts and placing orders, for now – Tony knows that _if_ he could see, he would take care of all of it himself, with the bot’s help, but he would have enough time at his hands. Instead, when Rhodey accepts all of the plans, they send custom orders to SI factories and decide to start refurnishing the basement to make space for the production space; Tony is glad that he insisted there be a huge spaces under the whole house, of which the workshop was only a quarter, the rest staying bare an unoccupied, waiting to be used. And the time has apparently come.

Dummy, You and Butterfingers help Rhodey, who does most of the physical job, using Tony as a tools rack, to quote Tony’s own words – he isn’t protesting too much though, since he’s occupied with identifying the screwdrivers by touch and wrench sizes by their weight.

They spend most of the two days downstairs, with Pepper coming to drag them out for food five times a day, what Tony deems ridiculous, but he is quickly silenced by the woman’s firm words.

‘Anthony Stark, the doctor told you to try to eat more and regularly, what is always good when you are on medication, not to mention that you told me yourself you not want to lose any more weight. So, there. Sit down and wait, we are having sushi, yes, from Kiriko, I sent Happy all the day to L.A for that. It’s not from Japan, sorry, but I was hoping this will make you shut up and eat.’

It does, even with the lack of sake to accompany the meal, Tony finds himself surprised with how little he cares. _The green tea is good enough if you persuade yourself_ , he figures. The mini party ends with even more green tea, in ice-cream form, which Tony and Rhodey eagerly declare their new favorite.

‘Good, I will get you some more if you behave’ Pepper states in a mocking voice, sounding glad to have new blackmail material.

Sunday is spent on working, too; Pepper leaves for the day as she doesn’t have any SI things to go over and the men focus on doing Engineering. They are reminded to eat by Dummy, who hands them fish crackers and shakes (‘no, Dummy, I liked the crackers but it doesn’t automatically mean that you should add them to my shake – no, _stop that¸_ you sad excuse for an A.I., put some fruit in like common sense says, please, I told you that Rhodey hates soy milk, soy milk is for me only,Dummy, _please_ –’) and nudges them until they are annoyed enough to escape from the workshop and end up eating pizza by the fireplace, with some action movie playing in the background.

‘Pepper said she loves me’ Tony says at some point, making Rhodey jump on his right and gasp in surprise.

‘What? When?’

‘A few days ago. Like four, or something…’ _Don’t count the hours again, please, just stop obsessing!_

‘And you haven’t told me?’ Rhodey exclaims, punching Tony’s arm in a soft, friendly way (that Tony kind of hates.)

‘… but I couldn’t say the same. I told her as much…’

‘And?’ Rhodey prompts.

‘She said I don’t have to. _Fuck_ , you don’t know how much I want to –’ Tony stops there, realizing that he’s said more than he wanted. Again.

‘You are stupid to think I don’t know, I’ve always known. I wanted Happy to place a bet but he said  he doesn’t like losing money… But tell me how it happened.’

And Tony talks, talks, talks –

‘Tony? Rhodey? It’s midnight, let’s get you up to bed’ Tony can hear Pepper say, her voice remote. He groggily realizes that they must have fallen asleep on the sofa, exhausted with hours and hours of work. Before he can fully wake up he is dragged somewhere, undressed to tshirt and shorts, and put into bed, and within moments he’s sleeping again.

When he wakes up in the morning Rhodey is gone and JARVIS tells him the message that the colonel left when he was leaving at 6 a.m., which is military short and up to the point: ‘Have the sushi ready every time I come and I might let myself be seduced. Coming next weekend. Be a good boy. P.S. Try not to make Pepper cry, or I will skin you, man.’

‘I won’t, I won’t, cupcake’ Tony murmurs to himself and gets up to face the day.

***

‘I have been doing some analysis on the arc reactor, sir’ JARVIS states quietly in the middle of the Wednesday night when Tony can’t fall asleep, his mind too caught up in the suit blueprints that he keeps _imagining._ The A.I.’s voice is quiet enough not to wake Pepper up, she’s just fallen asleep anyway and Tony knows from experience that she sleeps the deepest for the first two-three hours, so they can chat freely.

‘Why?’

‘I was doing a long-term prognosis.’

‘So, what’s the conclusion?’ Tony asks easily, but he knows that JARVIS can read him better than anyone else, and knows Tony’s anxiousness straight away.

‘The palladium core might be toxic in a long run. But it’s difficult to say how toxic, since no studied case was similar to yours, sir.’

 _Just the answer I should have expected_ , Tony thinks, strangely impassive because well, _the only thing that can keep me alive couldn’t just exist in me, normally, what would I hope for that? Let’s just make everything happen at once._

‘What can we do about it?’ he asks JARVIS tiredly. The right question should be ‘is there anything we can do’, Tony knows, but he’s not cliché like that.

‘A proper supplement of vitamins and minerals, including vitamin C, sulfhydryl compounds and alginate may be beneficial, as well as a variety of green leaf and cruciferous vegetables that help with removing the metal from a body, although in your case that would not be a complete elimination, of course, just lowering the risk of poisoning.’

‘How are we doing that?’ Tony questions. JARVIS must have an answer, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked, that’s how Tony’s baby’s mind works. He always has advice to offer.

‘I would suggest shakes including said ingredients, instead of the smoothies you are drinking now, with the addition of chlorophyll, I’ll spare the technicalities. But the amount required to neutralize the palladium is fifty ounces.’

‘Eww. Am I going to pee in green? Not that I would notice…’

‘Your sense of humor is astounding, sir,’ JARVIS states as drily as only he can.

‘I know, J, I know… Order the ingredients we need, make it extra fast, make a standing order for Dummy. I want you to check if he’s making the drink acceptable to human body until I’m sure he’s learned.’

‘I will try to prevent him from adding the green windshield washer fluid, he might decide it fits because of the colour.’

‘Stop scaring me, J – no, get rid of the green one altogether and get us blue fluid. Dark blue. Yes.’

‘Right away.’

***

Tony doesn’t like the taste of the new smoothie at all, but manages to get through a full 40 oz during the day; it leaves him completely without appetite, but not nauseous, so he does eat. It’s better than expected, even though JARVIS reminds him that he’s going to be drinking it every day for the foreseeable future.

‘Could be worse’ Tony concludes, patting Dummy thankfully on his claw. ‘You know what, J?’

‘Well, I can’t read your mind, sir, and I’m not sure I’d like to –’

‘Stop being mean,’ Tony scolds the A.I. mockingly, but his hands move along the trim of the shirt he is wearing almost involuntarily and when the A.I. notices the nervous trick, he is even more silent than before (if that is possible; Tony really feels like it is.) ‘I want to make it better…  I was thinking I should learn to use the white cane. For getting around – fuck, I’m not ready – that’s pathetic, isn’t it? I can’t even imagine that, but…’

‘But what, sir?’ the A.I. inquires gently, minding Tony’s distress.

‘It’s probably for the best, and Pepper would be glad… Don’t tell her I said that. It’s been over four months, J. I’ve been putting it off long enough, hmm?’

‘Whenever you feel ready, sir. And may I add, I think it’s a good decision.’

‘I wish the world would be like you, J’ Tony smiles, standing up. ‘Waiting for me to catch up – but it’s not, so we’re gonna _run_.’

***

The ordered machines start to arrive soon and Tony has Happy oversee the shipments (another joy of having a company ready to comply with your requests, you get things done as soon as humanly possible.) By the time Rhodey comes for the weekend again, exactly 47% of the orders are waiting down in the basement.

‘I’m going to ask Pepper to send over the team that built the lab and a few other things for SI facilities. They should do a good job at installing these machines in the big room, but I’m going to need someone to oversee that.’

‘You want me to do that,’ Rhodey guesses, _well,_ it is obvious enough.

Tony nods, moving his head _as if_ he was looking away; it’s something he can’t quite stop doing, even though it’s pointless (but it does make him feel less vulnerable, when his face can’t be just seen so easily.)

‘I trust them not too fuck this up, hell, I didn’t supervise them at all, save here, and everything is in order, but – you know. This is too important to let anything happen, and it would be more difficult to tear the line down and rebuild it if something is done wrong.’

‘You don’t want to meet with them in person either, do you?’ Rhodey asks quietly.

‘I… I – no,’ Tony gives in. ‘No, I don’t.’

He bites his lip almost too blood waiting for Rhodey’s reply, half-expecting the man to laugh in his face and walk away, _he is your friend, he wouldn’t do something like that_ , he thinks, but there is always a voice in his head telling him otherwise.

‘JARVIS, how long should it take the team to install the production line?’

‘If they indeed arrive in the number of twenty, like last time, and everything is prepared, it shouldn’t be more than three days of twelve hour work. All the elements should be ready and waiting by next Friday, colonel,’ the A.I. replies at once, without pausing for a second, and Tony smiles at the thought that J did think about that before. Not that Tony is surprised, really.

‘Get the team for the next week, pay them enough to have them here no matter what they are doing now… Saturday at 6 a.m. I want them down and working,’ Rhodey orders and JARVIS murmurs in agreement, already sending out messages and informing Pepper. ‘I will be here Friday evening. I’ll ask for a day off on Monday, man, they are going to flip out since I have asked for that more this year than ever before – just don’t you fucking start thinking it’s your fault, Tony, I choose, I _want_ to be here – the good thing is that it’s you, and they will give me time off because you’re making most of our tech, so they wouldn’t want to get on your bad side.’

Tony smirks half-heartedly, turning around and starting to walk slowly towards the basement’s ‘big room’, passing Rhodey and following to his ten o’clock.

‘That’s not me, that’s Obadiah,’ Tony comments, gesturing at the colonel to follow him. 

‘Yeah, he’s been rather bossy around the SI, but doing a good enough job, together with those two deputies of yours… I bet the generals prefer to talk with him than with you –’ The colonel pauses, sighing deeply. ‘That sounded wrong, sorry, man – you know what I mean. They can’t bear that you are ten times smarter than all of them combined, and they get twitchy every time you mention girls…’

‘I know, I know,’ Tony assures the man as he reaches the door. He opens it and enters the room, stopping a few steps behind the door because _fuck, the room if full of boxes and stuff and I have no idea where it all is, exactly, or what it is – way to go, Tony._

(Thinking about the army makes Tony want to make his _plans_ come true, the plans that he made back in the cave, breaking apart SI weapons to make the old arc reactor. But he – he can’t. Not yet. So sometimes he wonders if he’s going to die as the coward he is.)

‘Where are the metals and alloys for the armor?’ Tony asks JARVIS as Rhodey enters the room and closes the door behind him.

‘There are on the right – how did you have those blocks delivered? They must weigh so much,’ Rhodey quips in, taking Tony’s hand and directing him to the right place, maneuvering around easily.

‘… I’d like to touch them,’ Tony tells the man quietly, wiping his sweaty hands against the old jeans he is wearing.

‘Sure thing,’ Rhodey replies casually and starts to open the containers.

***

When Rhodey leaves, early Monday morning, Tony finds himself sitting in the kitchen and listening to the news again. He’s drinking the green smoothie without as much as a grimace – oh, it’s not that the taste is foul, but it certainly isn’t something he’d chose if he could, and knowing that he’s forced to swallow 50 oz of the thick slimy drink as day only makes it worse.

Tony’s been thinking a lot, since that visit in the big room when he suddenly realized that hey, even in the space he’s learned by heart he can’t feel – comfortable. Sure, he’s known that before, but knowing is not everything. _I made the decision_ , _okay,_ he reminds himself, sipping the smoothie through a thick straw, _now it could be the high time to act upon it. Remember, it’s not going to disappear if you ignore it, and it’s not going to be easier if you put it away in time, and if you_ –

His thoughts are cut off by Pepper’s voice, firm but distracted at the same time; Tony wonders if she’s trying to send emails through her tablet, talk to him and eat her buttered croissant at the same time again. Not to mention doing it while wearing her four inches heels.

‘I had a call, there’s going to be another delivery around noon. I’m going to give Happy heads up, though it’s just something small, wires or screws,the woman couldn’t speak proper English –’

‘That’s titanium screws then,’ Tony informs her; he does order them from a small factory owned by a German family and the elders really speak terrible English; their work is unmatched but worth the ridiculous price.

‘Okay, screws then – and I had a call from that agency again, they are not going to give up until you talk to them, the man was annoyed enough that it’s been four months already, ‘time can be a factor with these things’ and all. I said you are not available, but I swear, they are going to make me go mad –’

‘Pepper,’ Tony cuts through her rambling firmly, raising his voice above hers and the news’ noise; JARVIS gets the hint and mutes the tv instantly.

‘Yes, Tony?’ she asks obediently, sitting on a stool next to him and putting the tablet on the marble surface (it does make a specific noise, Tony is getting good at that.) ‘Is everything okay?’

‘I need you to find me someone.’

‘… if you want a girl, Tony –’

‘Don’t be silly, Pepper, I do not want _any girl_. Nothing like that,’ he states firmly, trying to imagine himself saying that a year earlier, _nope, impossible._ He gives Pepper a quick lopsided smile. ‘I need you to find me someone who would teach me using the – the white cane.’ (It’s difficult and even Tony knows that he’s being ridiculous, really.)

He can just imagine Pepper freezing, blinking, and then a smile appearing on her face, and tries _not_ to think that he’ll never see it again.

And then Pepper kisses him.

Sure, it’s just a quick kiss in the cheek and then it’s over, but Tony totally didn’t see it coming – didn’t hear her getting up – and he can’t help but grin widely. _This_ is the good kind of praise.

‘I thought you were never going to say that,’ Pepper states easily, moving back to her seat. ‘I might know someone.’

‘What do you mean?’ Tony asks frowning, before he takes the last sip of the smoothie and sets the glass on the counter delicately; it’s still difficult to judge the distances accordingly and he _hates_ doing things wrong.

‘I looked someone up while you were still in Europe with Rhodey, just after you told me what happened – when you said it was permanent. I thought you would need at some point –’

‘Oh,’ Ton lets out the air he didn’t realize he was sucking in. ‘I shouldn’t have expected any less of you.’

‘No, you shouldn’t – it’s a woman. Said to be very good at training adults who used to be sighted, which apparently changes the approach a bit… Anyway. I will talk to her, I’m sure she can find a few days for you.’

‘Pretty?’ Tony asks cheekily, because why not. It reminds him of being _himself._

‘Long dark hair, curvy… and about sixty.’ Tony can feel Pepper rolling her eyes as she says that.

‘Can you make it quick? I don’t want to wait until I change my mind. Or something.’

‘Today,’ Pepper promises, earning a smile.

***

Pepper, of course, keeps her word.

‘I did call Mrs. Malley. She was busy, but I explained her the situation and she said she could spare you two days, which should be enough to know the basic techniques and get some experience. Everything else is going to happen with time, she said.’

‘Uh-oh,’ Tony murmurs, _finally_ finishing the last smoothie of the day; it’s difficult to force himself to drink it _all_ after dinner, but it is hardly proper food, missing lots of protein, carbohydrates and fats, so dinners are in order. Today was steak (messy eating, with the sauce) with warm veggie salad and fries, not too bad. ‘When is she coming?’

‘Wednesday, ten a.m. JARVIS, can you have a guest room prepared for Mrs. Malley? The top floor one, please.’

‘Of course, miss Potts. I’m informing the housemaids as we speak.’

‘Perfect. Tony, are you doing anything else today?’ Pepper asks Tony, taking the plates and glasses from the counter and putting them into the dishwasher; Tony would leave them for the cleaning crew to tidy up, but of course Pepper is nice like that.

‘I was thinking movie, I’m not feeling sleepy,’ he tells her and it is almost the truth; he knows the problem with falling asleep would be mostly because the amount of chlorophyll has been making him nauseous, and he needs about an hour for the feeling to disappear.

‘Mind if I go for a walk outside, for half an hour or something? I need a breath of fresh air. It’s a  really nice evening today.’

‘Go on, I will try not to break anything.’ Tony jokes and waves her goodbye, getting up and moving to the bedroom.

***

Mrs. Malley is something else.

Tony isn’t sure he is up to meeting another stranger, since it feels like stepping out of the safe zone that he’s created around himself – or letting someone inside – but the woman makes him feel warm inside as soon as she comes into the room; Tony can understand why she is regarded as the best; he can easily tell why he she ‘works’ for him.

First thing: she makes everyone around feel as if she was their good aunt, kind and patient and laughing ten times more often that most people, and yet it never is forced.

Second thing: she tells him to call her by her name which is Chiara, and from there springs a story; Tony learns that she is actually half Italian half American and she can speak the language of her mother perfectly. As soon as Pepper goes out (‘take a day off, my dear, I will take care of your boy here, go get a massage or something, you sounded so stressed when you called me!’) she switches to Italian and Tony is more happy than he would have expected to talk with her in the language he’s known since birth but hardly ever uses anymore.

Third thing: she doesn’t coddle him and isn’t afraid of scolding; it’s refreshing and done with obvious ease – it should be expected as it _this_ is her job, but Tony thought she might behave _differently_ because he is Tony Stark and that’s what people tend to do.

So they all talk a bit and Chiara is showed the guest rooms, then Pepper does leave to have a relaxing day – _as much as she is able to relax_ , Tony comments in his head, but he knows that would really do her good, to get away for some time.

When Tony and Chiara are alone in the house, with no delivery or guests expected, she asks him to sit in front of her on the sofa, what Tony does obediently.

‘Do you want to see me?’ Mrs. Malley asks in her cheerful voice, but Tony knows straight away that this isn’t much of a question; he’s not sure what she wants him to do. ‘You haven’t done that yet, honey?’ she sighs deeply and moves closer to Tony, he can feel the warmth of her body as their knees nearly touch. ‘No worries. We’ll get you there.’

‘Do you mean _see_ with my – hands?’ Tony inquires, frowning; sure he has seen movies and all that, and he knows people do that but it sounds awkward. _Not_  like something he’d like to do.

‘Of course, how else… So you really haven’t?’

‘No –’

‘Give me your hands.’

Tony pauses for a moment, but he is aware that there is no backing away now, so he stretches his hands and lets Chiara take them in hers. Without word, she moves even closer and brings his fingers to her face, letting them go when his fingertips touch her hair – _fringe it is_ , he decides.

‘What if I hurt you?’ he asks, unmoving and glad that his hands are not trembling, because his heart sure is beating like crazy and he can feel all he muscles in his body tingling.

‘You won’t – go on.’

Tony takes a breath and lets his fingers move slowly, delicately, c a r e f u l l y; movements slow and deliberate as he discovers the woman’s face: she’s got short bob-style hair, thick and glossy, tucked behind ears, and a straight fringe; he traces the shape of her face: oval and thin, her ears small, no earrings; her nose is thin and long, making a sharp line to match high cheekbones; she has big eyes and thick eyebrows – probably an Italian trait – and full lips. She is wearing lipstick or lip gloss, Tony can’t distinguish, and it makes his fingers feel sticky, so he removes his hands and wipes them on the new tshirt.

Chiara doesn’t say anything or ask him any question, and Tony soon understands that she figured it’s indeed the best way to make him talk; he still is himself, too curious for his own good (as long as he is not – hating the whole word, but that is less and less.)

‘What color is your hair? Eyes?’ he asks finally.

‘Black. Brown.’

‘Italian, huh?’

‘You know genetics,’ Chiara states easily, but doesn’t move away.

‘Mhm… Do you look the way I can imagine you now? How _accurate_ can this be?’

‘The images in your head are always going to be a bit distorted,’ Chiara replies and laughs, making Tony frown in confusion again. ‘How accurate – well. It’s the most accurate way you have right now, so you better get used to this.’

Tony inclines his head in agreement; he’s playing with his hands as he still can feel the strange tingling in his fingertips and his palms feel itchy. _It’s just your brain,_ Tony tells himself strictly. _This is how things are going to be now, better get used to it._

They eat lunch and Chiara compliments Tony on his skills with cutlery, though he himself is not satisfied; apparently he is doing good, so he doesn’t complain.

There is a lecture on the types of canes and legal detail (‘no, you couldn’t really paint your cane, sorry – you know someone could just tell you it’s painted and you wouldn’t know, so why put yourself into danger when you may not be recognized as blind and something may happen?’) In the end, Mrs. Malley presents Tony with a few canes she grabbed before coming.

‘Pepper told me your height, so I could figure out what length more or less you will need… Try all of them, see which one handles well, which one you feel most comfortable with, they are all long ones…’ Chiara keeps speaking throughout all the process which takes half an hour, before Tony decides on a cane that ‘handles well’, though he’s not sure how he is supposed to determine that.

(‘Instinct,’ she says. ‘You should just feel it, all of those here should be okay for you in theory, but I like to give people choice.’)

Next is the white cane techniques and Tony tries to do everything like he is told to; being able _not_ to walk into things while not asking JARVIS for help is nice – he doesn’t have anything against JARVIS, but the A.I.’s abilities should be kept from most people – Tony feels more secure immediately and wonders _why the hell haven’t I decided to do this earlier?_ _Am I going to ask myself that every time I take a step ahead?_

Synchronizing the swing and his steps is definitely not natural, no matter what Chiara says, and they spend most of the afternoon practicing that.

‘I will show you the stairs and a few other little things tomorrow,’ Mrs. Malley informs Tony when it’s time for food. His wrist hurts and he realizes that he’s missed one of his five-a-days; apparently JARVIS didn’t want to interfere, even though he could: he ‘pretends’ to be just a simple A.I. every time someone from the outside comes, and it’s for the best.

Tony shows her the workshop (‘That’s amazing, sweetheart, though I don’t have any idea what are all these things for…’) and they eat dinner (‘I’ve got a condition, it’s mostly vitamins and supplements’) before Chiara disappears upstairs and Tony waits for Pepper to come back before falling asleep; the nightmares – _just no._

***

The next day passes in a similar manner, with lots of sweet talk, exercises and real Italian food, and when Chiara is leaving, Tony feels as if he’s known her for years.

‘You better keep practicing, the next time I come here, I want to see you dancing around with your baby,’ she says before pulling Tony into a strong hug. ‘You will get used to it. It gets easier,’ she whispers into his ear, before ruffling his hair and letting go of him.  ‘You feed your boy, Pepper, he’s much too thin. And don’t hesitate to call me if you need something.’

‘I will and I won’t,’ Pepper says, laughing; Tony can only guess the women also exchange a hug as there is a pause before Mrs. Malley moves again. They say a few goodbyes, ending with ‘ciao, ci vediamo subito’ and ‘arrivederci per ora, ci vediamo!’ Then Chiara’s gone and suddenly, the house seems empty and alien.

‘J, you here?’

‘Always, sir,’ the A.I. replies crisply, finally free to act like himself with only people considered family inside the house.

‘What’s the new tech on those canes?’ Tony asks, turning around and walking to the bedroom slowly; they ate dinner together and it is high time to get some rest, with the easy exhaustion sneaking up Tony’s body as always (despite the regular trainings.)

‘Not much, sir. There is a virtual laser cane, but it’s just a prototype. The one that looks most promising is being called Eye Stick, it has camera and laser sensors at the tip that provide the user with vibrations signifying various things, like stairs, edges or other obstacles…’

‘Get me one of those – soon. Real soon. And an earpiece, wireless connection like the ones we’ve been making into a project for military before – yeah. The ones we’ve never used but built a handful to see if they are working. Give me a skin colored one, and a red and golden.’

‘Playing fancy, are we, sir?’

‘You know me, J.’

‘… are you planning to make a wireless connection between the cane and the earpiece?’

‘Sure do,’ Tony admits, reaching the room; he closes the door behind himself and undresses to briefs, then goes to the bathroom to put on pajamas (he used to _never_ wear those, well, a stylish silk dressing gown only, but the arc reactor light is always there) and brush his teeth. Washing is still strictly sponge and occasional water up to half-calves, when Rhodey insists he get used to it slowly, piece by piece. All the time that passed didn’t make the nauseating feeling go away when he as much as _thinks_ about water running down his neck and back freely.

‘I want you there, full connect. Like we’ve been doing in the house.’

‘Don’t you want some independence of me?’ JARVIS asks, genuinely curious, and his inquiring voice makes Tony smile at where the nearest camera is.

‘Not ‘om u,’ Tony manages to murmur with his mouth full of toothpaste foam. ‘Not from you, J,’ he repeats after spitting out the paste ‘you’re the one I trust most. I don’t need independence from you. Everything else, yes, but not you – and knowing that you have my back will make me feel safer. Safe. There won’t be many places where I will be able to go by myself, anyway, too many people waiting to off me.’

‘Miss Potts or Colonel Rhodes can be there with you, or whoever else you will trust with yourself,’ JARVIS points out just as Tony slips a smooth silk shirt over his head.

‘Yeah, sure… I want you there anyway, babe.’

‘If I didn’t know better, I’d think you want to seduce me,’ the A.I. states in a perfectly emotionless and dry voice. Tony can’t help laughing loud, his voice echoing in the vast empty bathroom. 

‘When can you have them delivered?’ Tony asks when he can breathe again, crawling into the bed; he can hear Pepper’s footsteps in the hall. _Half an hour already?_ (well, it’s still hard to tell time.)

‘Tuesday, sir.’

‘Perfect.’

***

Friday evening Rhodey arrives with boxes of Tony’s favorite Thai takeout.

‘I don’t care how you’re going to eat this, man, but I was craving those shrimps _so bad._  Deal with it,’ Rhodey announces as he enters the living room, putting a still hot box on Tony’s lap, making him flinch.

Tony opens the box wordlessly, letting the scent of fresh herbs and fried shrimp fill the room, well, it _is_ favorite takeout for a reason, and throws the cheap disposable chopsticks in the colonel’s general direction.

‘Get me a spoon – and a fork. Then maybe we can reason.’

Tony laughs when Rhodey actually obeys and comes back with a whole set of cutlery a few minutes later, and two bottles.

‘Maine Root blueberry soda,’ Rhodey announces in a solemn tone, as if it were a royal wedding at least. ‘The Thai people are having mini heart attacks, probably, but let’s pretend we don’t care.’

‘I can pretend well enough. For blueberry soda,’ Tony informs the man and lets him open his bottle. It’s pleasantly chilly in his hand and down his throat as he takes a few impatient sips. ‘So, you ready for the work tomorrow?’

‘Always ready for supervising people.’

‘And that’s Pepper’s influence I detect here,’ Tony murmurs before taking a fork and starting to eat. It _is_ messy, but not as much as he feared, so he concentrates on enjoying the meal.

After they finish the food, Tony shows Rhodey his ‘new amazing skills,’ by his own words, and Rhodey does seem pleased when Tony admits that the white cane thing isn’t as bad as he expected. _This probably is going to happen every time I try something, being surprised and wishing I did it earlier_ , Tony muses, though there isn’t just a simple fix-it. 

Rhodey insist on helping Tony with washing; it is like every time the man comes: Tony is sitting on a stool, letting Rhodey clean him with a huge extra soft sponge, using a special chocolate-scented shower gel and all the fancy things. Rhodey lets more and more water around Tony’s legs each time and Tony can’t miss what the man is doing, of course, a simple and obvious cognitive behavioral therapy exercises. But it’s not forced and Tony feels – okay, as long as the water is shallow, as long as it’s _nowhere_ near his upper body. They don’t talk about it, well, they do not talk at all in the bathroom, and Tony decides that it’s okay.

Tony falls asleep as they are watching some action movie, with Rhodey on the other side of the bed and Pepper out of the house for the weekend, doing some work in SI offices and visiting her friend. Rhodey wakes him up twice, but Tony can’t remember why, he’s not sure if he was loud or if he was trashing or something else completely; he doesn’t ask. Rhodey doesn’t tell. It’s good like that (Tony knows Rhodey would like to ask, that he wouldn’t mind talking – listening – but Tony still isn’t ready, _hell_ , he’s never going to be. He’s okay with repeating ‘there is nothing to talk about, cupcake.’)

The next three days pass in a blur of noises, mostly. There is probably lots of dust and all, but Tony doesn’t go down while the crew is there, so he is spared that particular dirty pleasure. The noises are there, though, and only some music at his old preferred levels would be loud enough to cover them, but Tony doesn’t feel like losing the (probably, estimated) 45% of information about the world around by deafening drums.

So he listens to the drills and hammers and electric screwdrivers; there is a lot of knocking and tapping, things moved or falling or thrown around or dragged around. It’s annoying not because it’s loud and constant – they work fourteen hours a day, save an hour long lunch break – but because it’s unpredictable and doesn’t fit into any scheme that Tony has made inside his head, cataloguing the usual Malibu routine (cleaning crew, housemaids, gardeners, food delivery, trash, all the everyday joys.) 

Tony doesn’t feel _too good_ with unpredictable.

And he misses the bots.

He spends the days practicing his cane skills in the closed area of the mansion; _listening_ to movies and some news and discussing the cane-earpiece fusion thingy.

***

Monday evening, all the men suddenly disappear and Rhodey emerges from the depths of the basement. Tony can practically feel the man’s smile projecting onto himself.

‘Come on, move it,’ Rhodey orders. Tony can tell the grease, machine oil and dust on the man’s clothes, hair, on his skin, but that feels more like being alive, so he eagerly accepts Rhodey’s lead and they go to ‘the big room.’

_Smells like – newness._

‘Here we go. Everything is in order. The crew guys were so happy to do another job for you, seriously, no one pays that much… It will never cease to amaze me how much you can so when you have money. To think that three weeks ago this was just a bare room…’

‘Well, you should be used to it by now, platypus,’ Tony murmurs the words distractedly. He wishes so desperately that he could see it, just for a moment, just a glimpse, just a second – but no. He probably shouldn’t think like that, he knows, but he can’t help it (‘it’s the most accurate way you have right now, so you better get used to this,’ _of course._ )

There is the cane in his left hand and _fuck_ , what would he give not to need it – _but okay. Okay. Let’s call it a compromise; compromises are okay, right? We can do compromises._ He walks over to where the machines are installed, making soft swings with the cane like Chiara taught him and trying not to feel absolutely awkward; JARVIS and Rhodey are silently in the room. It’s different when it was just him and her, or even him and Pepper; every time someone new is added to the equation Tony discovers he needs time to get used to it and persuade himself to stop being ridiculous.

When he reaches the line, he leaves the cane leaning it against some machine and stands closer, letting his hands run across the uneven surface. Rhodey is soon next to him, a step behind, and starts to explain which machine they are passing in a quiet voice. Tony’s hands never stop moving.

It takes almost an hour before Tony is satisfied; they made four rounds along the production line and Tony feels like he knows every inch by heart now (what is probably not far from the truth, hey, eidetic memory even if it’s not really _images_ , just their imprints in his mind.)

‘J, how long is it going to take you to make a suit once we get this working?’ Tony asks the A.I. curiously when they leave the room finally, Tony leading, walking easily without using cane through the workshop – nothing is fucking allowed to be moved there without his agreement. It feels amazing to have a space that he can be _sure_ about.

‘The first suit will take twenty hours, sir, as it will need to be done with more care – the machines need to be tested in real.’

‘And then?’

‘If everything goes well and there are no problems that could cause a delay – five to seven hours. Provided the –’

‘I know, you’re gonna have everything here… Prepare for Friday. Again, huh.’

Rhodey lets out a surprised chuckle and Tony manages not to feel – panicked, at the sudden noise.

‘You’re not going to do it immediately?’ the colonel asks, disbelief clear in his voice, and Tony can’t help but turn around and give him the best shit-eating grin he can.

‘No, wouldn’t miss your awed praise at my genius,’ Tony replies easily. ‘… but really, it was more your work than mine here, so I thought you’d like to be here when it’s done for the first time. C’me on, it’s gonna be like helping out your best friend through the birth of his first kid –’

‘That isn’t even remotely reassuring –’

‘– or something like that. Well… and I think J would like that, right, J?’

‘Of course, sir,’ the A.I. replied obediently. Rhodey sighs.

_I hope I will feel good enough to let myself get into the whole concept of fun, It seems to be strangely lacking from my life recently. Pity._

‘Well, I’m happy that I can take the Saturday off, still, but it’s really pushing it… Count me in. And have some good food. Sushi would be nice, yes, I think I mentioned it the other day…’

Tony sticks the tongue, turning his head behind, and goes up to the living room; his head is thoroughly occupied with _good it’s easier to go up than down – stairs are such a  m e s s._

***

Most of the week passes in blur, again.

Pepper swears she is going to do something bad if she’s not left alone; all the journalists and the feds call her like, ten times a day, and Tony suspects they would get into his house by force if he weren’t a weapons manufacturer; most people though he was crazy _before_ , so what can they suspect now…

Tony has a meeting with Grayson; it passes like usual, quickly and painlessly and he still can’t wrap his mind around how easy it’s become. The doctor tells him to keep up working and exercising and everything he’s been doing because it seems like he’s feeling better. Tony doesn’t tell the man that it’s all because he’s all tingling with anticipation for finally seeing the suit as it is  l o n g  overdue. That’s – not exactly an information Tony wants to give out.

The new cane – Tony refuses to call it Eye Stick because that, according to him, sounds wrong – is interesting. More fun than anything else; of course the idea is pretty neat, but as soon as Tony starts to explore it, he makes a mental list of dozens of things he could improve. He only tests how it works with obstacles and stairs, but trusting it to walk across the street sounds pretty risky.

‘We’re gonna abandon that idea of working this and the earpiece together,’ he tells JARVIS at some point, discarding the Stick – somewhere. ‘I will try to come up with something move clever. Yes. Stark-perfect,’ he laughs.

‘Ego, sir,’ JARVIS reminds him tiredly, but Tony can tell the A.I. is amused. ‘The earpiece?’

Tony takes the device out of the pocket on his chest and turns it around in his hands slowly. It is small and sleek and elegant, well, of course it is, Tony designed it; with wireless connection to the Stark satellites (the commercial ones were supposed to be hooked up to the regular satellites, but _of course_ the Tony prototypes have to be better than that) and a series of protection against water, heat, frequency interruption and everything that could happen. Tony takes the little thing and clips it over his left ear, putting the ear mold inside. _Good that I’m clever enough to have everything tested on me_ , Tony thinks, _this shit would be rather uncomfortable if it wasn’t custom made._ When the earpiece (tiny, classy and lovely) is fitted in, he switches it on and gives JARVIS thumbs up.

‘Everything in order, sir?’ the A.I.’s voice speaks in a quiet voice and Tony grins.

‘Perfect, babe,’ Tony assures him and turns around. ‘Get me to the workshop, I bet Dummy is getting insanely worried since I’m some five minutes late with my smoothie time.’

JARVIS’ voice speaks short precise directions; it feels a bit strange to be walking ‘free’ after weeks of getting used to the cane, but after two minutes without bumping into anything, he gives in and gives the A.I. his full trust. It works – perfectly (sure, Tony knows he needs to get used to the thing in his ear being there for long amounts of time, but no need to spoil the fun with details.)

***

Friday evening JARVIS starts the production line, but Pepper forces Tony to go to bed instead of sitting down there and listening to the machines’ sounds.

‘Twenty hours, remember? I’m sure you’ll have enough time to have fun with your toys until four p.m. tomorrow, because if you do not remember, that is when the suit is going to be ready. Now, sleep.’

It’s not easy, clearing his mind, but Tony manages to fall asleep at some point and Pepper wakes him up only once – this time, he can remember the heat of the fire almost burning his arms and face, when he was molding the first armor, the smell after welding and soldering, breathing in metal dust; even the phantom images of that make his chest hurt, as if the skin around the arc rector was on fire; he doesn’t say anything, but Pepper hands him some tiny medicine anyway and he can figure it’s painkillers, he doesn’t want to accept them but there is no arguing with Pepper, so he swallows them obediently.

The second part of the night is calm and when Tony wakes up, he immediately knows that he’s slept in (too much sun in the room, he’s learned to _feel_ it), so he cleans himself up quickly, puts on the clothes that Pepper left for him in the bathroom like always, and goes to the kitchen. Pepper and Rhodey are talking, but there is no swallowing and no metal-porcelain clatters, so it’s after breakfast already, thought he can smell pancakes.

‘Smoothie first,’ JARVIS reminds him as soon as he sits down, and Pepper hands him the usual tall glass.

‘Killjoy,’ Tony shots back, taking a few sips of the drink before sighing. _Yes, thank you very much, and I was hoping for a nice breakfast here, you teases_ , he comments in his head, knowing that he’s not going to be able to eat anything for at least an hour after the smoothie if he doesn’t want his stomach to hurt.

‘I want to see that cane that you hated. And the earpiece,’ Rhodey states when Pepper goes up to do some paperwork.

‘J, revealing my secrets again?’ Tony murmurs wearisomely; he knows a diversion technique when he sees one, but agrees to play along anyway, so he gets up and gestures at Rhodey to follow.

They talk a lot and eat some, watch the news and comment on the cane tech and the new SI line intended for civilians for once (the best sat nav on the Earth, though only the army will get all the fancy functions.) Tony assures Rhodey that yes, they will have Kiriko sushi delivered at five, Happy is already on his way.

***

‘Sir, the assembly is going to be finished in ten minutes,’ JARVIS says at some point, startling Tony a bit since he was engaged enough in a conversation that he’s – almost forgot. He knows Rhodey stares at him challengingly, but he’s too excited (and nervous, okay) to raise the bait.

When they are down in the big room finally, it’s only four minutes left to the end and Tony feels like a kid just before opening their Christmas present, almost bouncing in the place where he is sitting on one of the unused counters. _Five months,_ he thinks, _f i v e  fucking months, I could have made it in two weeks if I tried, if not fort_ this _, so much time wasted. But at least it’s now._

‘Assembly complete,’ the A.I. states finally. A shiver runs down Tony’s spine as he jumps off the counter. Rhodey’s hand is immediately nudging him, so he takes the man’s elbows and follows him.

‘Mark II,’ JARVIS announces when Rhodey sneaks out of his grasp.

Tony takes a step forward, stretching his arms out and for once forgetting that he doesn’t want to do that _ever_ ; then his fingers meet the smooth cold surface. He lets his hands wander through the chest part first, with the place for arc reactor under a transparent circle, almost warm in touch, graciously embedded in the metal. His fingers find all the curves and slots, all the joints and bends and sharp edges; he takes in all the shapes, the helmet and face place, the sleek limbs, the aerodynamically perfect shape; it doesn’t smell like smoking hot steel, doesn’t have pronounced seams or uneven surfaces. _P e r f e c t_.

It is – smaller than he has expected, much smaller than the bulky and shapeless Mark I. Fells almost human-like, strong but subtle.

‘Everything done according to the plans?’ he asks, just to be sure.

‘Everything done properly, sir,’ JARVIS replies quickly. Everyone else would be fooled, but it is Tony, and he knows when his own A.I. is being sneaky. _That is_ not _an answer to my question, J –_

‘ _JARVIS._ ’

‘Sir.’

‘ _J_ –’

‘Oh, you both,’ Rhodey cuts in, sighing resignedly. ‘Tony. JARVIS has done a small change that I approved of. But he couldn’t tell you before.’

‘I knew it’s smaller than we designed it,’ Tony states, running his hands across the armor again. ‘The question is _why_?’

‘It’s done to match a different set of specifications,’ JARVIS explains and Tony can swear he sounds reluctant. After a short pause he adds ‘to fit to your body, sir. I wanted to – take you flying.’

Tony freezes, completely speechless (his heart is _racing_ , suddenly, and the arc reactor aches dully.)

‘… do you wish for that, sir?’ JARVIS asks quietly, catching Tony’s attention, but it takes him a few moments to reply.

‘I don’t think I’m ready,’ he says in the end and it’s the truth.

‘I think you don’t give yourself enough credit,’ the A.I. shopts back. ‘I’ll be there with you.’

(Tony grins.)

Rhodey doesn’t say anything, but Tony knows the man is standing just a few steps behind, observing the exchange, probably thinking something like ‘come on, you stupid man, you can go fucking flying like no one else can and you’re going to miss out on that?’

‘… let’s do it, J.’ _Before I change my mind._

It probably isn’t a good idea, but at least Tony isn’t claustrophobic. That would be a mess.

‘Let’s do it before I get too scared and run off,’ he repeats more firmly. ‘What do I do?’

‘Stand here,’ Rhodey says, taking his hand and leading him a few steps away. ‘Me and the bots will put it on manually, do what I tell you and it should be quick.’

Tony does as he is ordered and five minutes later he is standing in the armor, faceplate up, feeling shivery and _so_ excited at the same time. He nods to Rhodey and the man takes the faceplate down, it closes with a soft click and Tony is _ready._

‘Do you trust me, sir?’ JARVIS asks softly, the voice all around the tiny space.

‘Yes, J,’ Tony replies without hesitation. _More than anyone else_.

And suddenly, he feels the suit  m o v e  around him, he finds himself in half-lying position, outside of gravity, the floor disappearing from under his feet – he’s speeding past the basement, _when did you open the doors,_ and then they are outside – outside.

(He can tell by how the noise is different, no echo, less loud, wind howling all around, fresher salt-scented air filling the suit –)

But – it’s not like being in the open; it’s nowhere like the overwhelming horrible feeling of being _exposed_ to something unknown that he’s felt too many times before, there isn’t panic crawling under his skin at the thought that there is a whole black world around, more literally than ever; the suit touches his skin and he knows JARVIS is there and takes care of everything and it is – good. He is safe. He is _out there_ , and he is _safe._

So he can’t stop the fucking wide grin from his face, and then he laughs as if he was insane, until he can’t breathe properly; he feels his muscles relax completely, giving in to the amazing feeling of floating, of the endless freedom that he’s never felt before, and it’s complete opposite of the last few months when he’s been a prisoner of his own mind more than anything else –

He’s up in the air. _Flying._

And then JARVIS plays a song, the soft music fills the suit smoothly; it’s not something Tony would listen to normally, but it’s perfect and Tony can swear the A.I. is reading his mind, so he hums along with the voice: ‘you never see what you want to see, forever playing to the gallery – you take the long way home, you take the long way home.’

_Take the long way home._


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter covers 2/3 of the plot that I planned it to cover, but since I don’t know when I will have time to write again (eeexams) I wanted to give you something in the meantime. The 1/3 of the plot turns out to be twice as long as this chapter, so when I finish writing it (in 8-10 days) you'll have a proper long piece to read : )

It is half an hour before Tony comes back, JARVIS assuring him that they could go on for hours and hours with the efficient arc reactor embedded into Tony’s chest, but says that he’d prefer if they returned sooner.

‘We can do this anytime, sir. You should probably go back before colonel Rhodes decides that ‘you’ve gone mad’, by his own words.’

‘Tell him to suck it up,’ Tony mumbles easily. ‘You know what I want to do before we celebrate? I wish I could buy you the best pizza on the earth, J, for this. Or maybe a diamond something, yes, diamonds are always appreciated –’

He breaks there suddenly as the A.I. doesn’t reply, shaking his head a bit. Of course only his own creation, and maybe Pepper, would be able to silently be so strict. _But that’s good_ , Tony decides. While he’s never needed any control, any – help, really, not before, besides sending off the girls and cleaning up after parties, and picking him up from random places but that’s Happy – he’s been starting to appreciate having someone nearby. Not exactly watching out for him, it’s not about that; it’s just knowing that _in case_ something happened he wouldn’t be alone in the unknown, _like the fucking desert, but stop going there, please, you’re just asking for it!_

‘Take me home, J,’ Tony orders after a few long moments. JARVIS does his tiny sound that is an equivalent of a nod or something similar, and redirects the suit to Tony’s right. ‘It’s not dark?’ he adds in a voice just above whisper, not sure why, but it feels fitting.

‘Yes sir, it is currently just twilight.’

‘Huh,’ Tony breathes and tells JARVIS to put up some fitting music; they are back before the song has finished (five minutes twelve seconds, and it’s a perfect minute before the record would end.)

‘How was it?’ Rhodey asks, of course, as soon as the faceplate is up.

‘I don’t think I can describe it, cupcake, it’s like – engineering heaven. Remember when they took Hawking into the zero G room? I guess it does feel like that. So yeah… But  I’m still angry at you for disobeying me, J, but if you make Dummy forget my supper smoothie I might forget the grudge…’

‘I’d rather face your wrath, sir, than endanger your health,’ JARVIS replies. _Well._

‘You’re no fun,’ Tony mutters as Rhodey helps him step out of the suit; it has a different kind of mechanism than he’s thought about: the plan was to have a short path with suitable machines putting on/taking off the armor in the piloted version, and mostly zero ways to open it for the JARVIS-only version. Well, no one knew about his plan to make some piloted suits, it was supposed to be a surprise, but now it was kind of useless.

Instead, the armor seems to be made of four parts, two on the front and two on the back, that seem to wrap around a body easily and smoothly with Rhodey’s help; its padded inside perfectly hugging to the shape of Tony’s body. _And what if I gain weight, this is gonna be too tight,_ Tony thinks, but he is aware that JARVIS knows that with the current smoothie & food situation that is kind of impossible, well, at least not to the point of creating a problem.

But of course, the A.I. is kind of omnipotent, at least compared to everyone else on the planet, and he is so fucking brilliant that Tony easily would call him the most amazing in the world. Though the competition with Pepper is tough.

Tony smirks at those thoughts and shakes his head slightly, trying to redirect his thought to the real life; the armor has just disappeared from his perception and he is standing in the middle of the room (sure he knows, hey, the echo of all little sounds) and Rhodey is a few steps away.

‘J, are you inside Mark still?’ Tony asks reluctantly, but he doesn’t even dare to imagine that inside his head, that would be too much. Too good.

‘Yes, sir. It’s like you wanted, it can be operated by me only.’

‘… c’m here?’ he half asks, half orders, stretching his hands a bit in front of himself, _wow, this is starting to be a natural thing, I’d have never thought –_

There are sounds of steps, ridiculously light for the heavy metal armor, approaching him from the front, and suddenly there is the suits’ polished surface under his hands again, but this time it’s not just lifeless, not just a hunk of metal – the most advanced hunk of metal on the earth, yeah – but there are _hands_ taking his hands and cupping them. Tony is buzzing with excitement as he stops breathing for a moment, letting himself concentrate on nothing else but the tiny perfect plates of the hands, with joints and wired veins and everything, that move _by themselves_ , that move steered by the A.I. that he has made not even dreaming about making it material, back then. 

It’s  i n c r e d i b l e.

Tony can feel the dizziness building up but fuck, it’s like being in a dream, as close as possible, making it come true, he knows he doesn’t deserve this but it is happening, JARVIS, his baby, is here, here and now and it’s like a miracle –

Then the artificial arms (feeling much warmer to touch than one could expect from just metal) are around his back and holding his arms.

‘Don’t faint on me, sir, please,’ JARVIS says from the ceiling speaker; it breaks the spell just a tiny bit. Of course the A.I. would know that it would be better than using the voice synthesizer in the armor, he really knows Tony more thoroughly than anyone else.

Tony takes a few deep breaths to calm down his racing heart and mind and soon the tingling sensation disappears from the tips of his fingers.

He doesn’t think he can go back to real life like it was before, after – this. It really is a miracle, though made with his own (and Rhodey’s) hands.

‘Can I let you go now, sir?’

‘Sure, J. I’m okay here. It was – is – just incredible to have you here, physically, well, in a way but let’s not think about details now, after all those years, how long has it been, nine?’

Tony realizes he’s rambling just a little bit, but that is normal.

‘Without seventy three days.’

‘Wow, we should totally have a party, but never mind – you are here.’

‘I am, sir.’

‘… can you move, under my touch? I want to _see_ , fuck, feel, whatever –’

‘Of course,’ JARVIS replies easily; Tony knows that in any other situation the A.I. would throw some snide remark because Tony loves those, but for once it’s not time. It’s just not.

So the armor’s plates flex under Tony’s touch as he surveys every detail, slowly and meticulously; Rhodey is still there, silent, sitting on one of the workbenches from what Tony gathers. Then the armor takes Tony under his arm and they walk around, taking small steps (only later Tony realizes that he didn’t question even for a second where how and why, that he wasn’t afraid of walking into something, because JARVIS has been nothing but perfect; as always) so that Tony could hear and feel the A.I.’s _shell_ , for the lack of better word, his new and ideal bodyguard for real; if he didn’t know what it was, he would probably be scared. But it’s J, and as Tony keeps thinking that he can’t stop smiling insanely.

‘You know that since you gave me this connection with a physical object I could take you to bed by force now, if I deem it necessary, sir?’ JARVIS comments cheekily, gaining an amused chuckle, as he leads Tony back into the center of the room, or at least in its vague direction.

‘I’m doomed,’ Tony mutters and sighs tiredly, _not that any of the usual has been happening recently, I fucking miss spending days down in the workshop, having the reasons to do so_ , but then he stops himself, _don’t go there, just don’t._ ‘Family time?’

Rhodey laughs outright at that, jumping off the bench and walking up to Tony.

‘I believe Dummy, You and Butterfingers are standing just out of the door, curious about what is happening here, since  your presence in this room and what’s been going on recently is highly unusual, and they know I’ve been – dividing attention, as much as I can do multitasking, they always know, sir.’

‘So if I open the door, they are going to fall on me like in those bad comedies?’

‘I’m just asking them to move  away.’

‘Always one step ahead, that’s my boy – Rhodey?’

The colonel takes his hand and leads him to the door, with JARVIS following closely, it’s just twenty three steps (for some reason, Tony doesn’t like the number 23.)

The doors open and they all step into the workshop; there are curious beeps and chirps from where the robots are standing. Tony grins widely, perfectly sure that Rhodey does just the same next to him, as JARVIS takes the armor two steps ahead and stops.

‘Big brother, kiddies,’ Tony states in the bot’s direction and Mark flinches a tiniest bit _, really, J, really? Is that even fucking possible?_ ‘No need to be anxious, J, you are gorgeous, and fuck, you’re my baby so you’re bound to stun everyone around.’

‘… it’s just a bit strange, sir.’

‘You’ll get used to it,’ Tony assures the A.I. as the three bots roll closer and suddenly, they are all around, making their curious sounds with annoying frequency, poking and prodding and tapping on Mark’s surface; Tony’s sure they’d love to shake the armor like kids shake Kinder Eggs to see what toy is inside. _Really_. Dummy puts his arm on Tony’s shoulder and beeps in a way that can only be interpreted as questioning, if you’ve known the bot for more than half of your life (some 60% of it, give or take.)

‘Tony?’

‘No worries, cupcake, they will be happy with big J here. It’s just like meeting with your online dating love in real for the first time.’

‘That is a strangely accurate comparison,’ JARVIS agrees. ‘At least, their equivalent of the feeling.’

‘Well, if I know something, it’s all about my bots,’ Tony comments easily, smiling at how his words are drowned out by Butterfingers and You being excited; it was the two young robots who usually made most noise and mess, even though Dummy was the clumsiest (and definitely with most attitude.) ‘Have you told them before what was going to happen?’ he asks JARVIS curiously, somehow the matter has slipped his mind before and he doesn’t like that much.

‘I didn’t tell them about what Mark was supposed to be, not that it would be – me, inside, me in a way they have ever expected, since all out connections have been digital so far.’

‘Huh, sure… Are you going to make the second suit following the specs we agreed on? Or you’re staying in this one – are you staying?’

There is a moment of silence, just the bots’ bodies moving, before the A.I. replies.

‘I think you are the only person who would ask, sir, instead of ordering me around, I am very glad of that. And no, this suit was made specifically for you, and I might be using it as long as the next one is being made, then I will leave it for your use. I am going to be online in at least one suit all the time, to be on stand-by in case of emergency. Is that acceptable?’

‘Thanks. Perfect. Yeah – J, and make a project for a suit for the buttercup here, get his to approve of it, though I am sure you’d know what he likes anyway, well… Anything he wants. The man needs some fun, other than flying those rusty jets and ‘copters.’

‘Tony –’ Rhodey starts, but Tony just laughs.

‘Shut up,’ he says fondly. ‘I swear, you are stupider than me sometimes, and that is something, did you really think I’d ask you for help and not let you take part in the all the fun? And you claim to know me?’ he adds accusingly, making a soap opera-like swooning gesture. ‘No, really. I want it.’

‘… okay,’ Rhodey gives in as he knows too well that arguing with Tony is kind of pointless. ‘Are we going up now? I want to eat all your sushi, man, you know I wouldn’t spend my money on that. And I’m never in the neighborhood.’

‘J, you staying here?’ Tony asks, moving towards the entrance to the workshop; he knows his way around well enough by now. The white cane is resting by the door, like always, he takes it in his left hand almost instinctively.

‘I would prefer to go out and fly for some time – there is information that I’d like to gather for the future suits. If that’s okay.’

‘No worries, J, you do what you want – wait, Rhodey put the reactor in for powering the suit, like we planned? You had it pinned to mine.’

‘He did. Everything is fine.’

‘Okay then,’ Tony turns around, gesturing at the colonel and the A.I. to follow. They walk in silence into the kitchen where Pepper is apparently watching something on tv and drinking her favourite cinnamon tea (Tony has never before realized what she preferred, but recently he’s been gathering a lot of strange info via all the senses he has _left_ , unconsciously focusing on them much more than ever before.)

She gets up from the chair as soon as they enter her field of view, or at least Tony presumes so; it’s three pairs of footsteps, two soft sneakers and one soft metallic buzz.

‘So, this is the real deal,’ Pepper states, probably positioning herself a few steps in front of where JARVIS stopped. ‘It’s – breathtaking, wow, you are a genius, Tony,’ she adds and walks up to him to give him a quick kiss on the forehead, but he just concentrates mostly on one thought that suddenly came to his mind.

‘Pep…’

‘Mhm?’

‘What color is it?’ he asks quietly, knowing that there is no need for that because Rhodey and JARVIS will hear him anyway and it’s okay; he can hear Grayson’s and Chiara’s words echoing in his mind, _it’s nothing to be ashamed of, you need to start feeling comfortable with how you are now, calm down calm down calm down._

‘It’s – all gold. C-3PO kind of dusty gold. It’s shiny, but beautiful… How do you feel, JARVIS?’

‘Strange, but okay, thank you, Miss Potts. If I may?...’

‘You go now,’ Tony agrees, there is a sudden noise and a swoosh of air around and the armor is gone, leaving an almost painful empty silent space. ‘Huh. That was kind of crazy.’

‘Everything is with you,’ Pepper says and she and Rhodey share an affirmative sigh. ‘Kiriko?’

‘Finally,’ Rhodey cuts in happily, and they celebrate (again, Tony feels a bit funny about celebrating, there’s been a lot of that going on recently, but it’s nice, he guesses, so different from all times before. Calm and homey, he’s never thought he’d enjoy that, but it is _good_.)

*

Within the next three weeks nothing exceptional happens, until it does.

Tony meets with Obie and Grayson. Rhodey is out of country, so Tony and JARVIS work on the suit for him, and it’s finished by the end of the second week, along with two armors by Tony’s initial blueprints, but they are not of use yet since there is only one mini arc reactor which is currently installed in Mark II, and Tony doesn’t want to try to put it out and into another armor all by himself. He spends probably too much time down in the workshop though, doing little things, dictating upgrades for bots and starting to work on a new security system for SI tech that would be JARVIS-run (behind the scenes, obviously) because Tony isn’t sure he can quite trust most people, even his old staff, and it all makes him feel – vulnerable. There are some decisions he wants to make as soon as possible, but he is too aware that it’s not the time yet.

The medicine / ‘showering’ / smoothie / cane practice routine continues and Tony doesn’t find himself so surprised anymore at the fact that he thinks less and less about it all, taking it as more obvious and useful every day. It’s easier to eat and to talk, and he even goes flying two times, but it’s more difficult to get into the armor without engineer’s help; Pepper has good intentions as she tries to help him and he appreciates her presence a lot, when he is about to leave and when he’s just back in the basement, but she doesn’t know how to make suiting up easier.

(He forgets about Pepper’s birthday because yes, he’s been counting days, but his numbers are _days since_ , and he doesn’t actually care to think what day and month it translates into. Pepper doesn’t mind when he says he is sorry and they have a nice order-in dinner a few days late. She says the best gift is seeing Tony being better, and he’s a bit embarrassed. But happy. He wishes he could say _those words_ back for her, but – not yet. Not yet.)

Then, there is the third annual Stark benefit for the Firefighters' Family Fund; Pepper is gone and Happy is watching movies upstairs, playing babysitter. Tony ignores the comments about him being bedridden for weeks; he wishes he could just go out and prove them all wrong, but well, they aren’t _that_ wrong.

 _Next time_ , Tony thinks.

So he keeps working on little meaningless trinkets – he’s been making easy kids’ toys, like before he even started school, only to get used of the feeling of tools in his hands and operating them without seeing what he’s really doing; it feels terrible, but he keeps going on with a grim determination, until his fingers are numb from all the touching and squeezing and his hands have some tiny cuts he should have been able to easily avoid. 

Then in the late evening, JARVIS suddenly speaks.

‘Sir, there has just been a release of photographs and news reports about attacks on civilians in Gulmira – do you want me to turn the tv on?’

Tony freezes, letting the wrench and screws fall out of his hands and hit the workbench with a clatter; a sudden flash of faces and voices and the terrible burnt and Yinsen’s unshaved face runs through his mind, but this time, he shakes it off, _I can fucking focus_ , he thinks. _I can._

‘Bring it on,’ Tony replies, uncurling his balled fists, he doesn’t know when he did that (there must be moon-shaped pink marks on his palms now, but hell, he doesn’t give a fuck.) He turns around in the swivel chair towards where the tv is and listens.

*

Too soon JARVIS finds out that the Ten Rings’ weapons are SI.

Then, it takes Tony forty minutes to make a decision, well, it isn’t much of a decision because from the beginning he knew what the final answer would be. It’s only a matter of _how._

‘JARVIS?’

‘Yes sir?’

‘I need you in a suit for this.’

‘… I don’t think that was the Mark’s objective,’ the A.I. comments stiffly, but Tony has learned to ignore his remarks.

‘Sure it wasn’t,’ he agrees, getting up from the chair, his muscles stiff after not moving for all that time (of course it was, in his head, and JARVIS knows that, but a game is a game.) ‘But we need it now. I can’t – I can’t leave it like that. That place… no, no talking. Suit up, one of the bodyguard suits.’

‘I’ll need an arc reactor in it,’ JARVIS reminds him softly; of course Tony didn’t really forget, it’s just easier to ignore the reality. _You can fucking do this_ , he tells himself when he moves to the other room and stands in front where the suits are kept, _you know the schematics by heart, you know the arc reactor even better. Just – steady hands._

Mark II stands two steps ahead of where the other are, when JARVIS speaks.

‘II on your left, sir.’

Tony nods and comes up to the armor, letting his hands climb up to where the rector is embedded, and finds the tiny power disconnection button that everyone else would mistake for a simple bolt; it requires a password, too, that only a few people know, if anyone was inside, that would be two codes – and fighting off JARVIS, if the A.I. thought the switch-off not necessary.

So Tony pushes the button and feels the armor stiffen under his hands, the soft force that was inside now cut off, and waits for JARVIS to observe and instruct him if he’s doing anything wrong. He takes the arc reactor out slowly, delicately, minding his movements like very few times before ( _the cave, don’t think about the cave_ ), and a moment later the device is in his hands, out of the armor’s chest.

‘Now the hard part,’ Tony mumbles to himself, moving seven steps to his right an two ahead to stand in front of the unmoving Mark IV. He traces the armor’s shapes first, creating a more accurate mental image, lets JARVIS guide his hands – and only when the armor finally gives a soft buzzing sound of being online, Tony lets himself breathe and shoves his now-trembling hands into the pockets of his jeans.

 _I did it_.

(He knows there is nothing to be proud of, but it feels like a fucking great accomplishment.)

‘I’m online and checking the control surfaces and systems…’ JARVIS informs Tony through the Mark’s voice synthesizer, it’s a bit bizarre and surreal, but what in Tony’s life isn’t. ‘Calibrating virtual environment done. Everything in control. I’m ready, sir.’

‘You knows what to do, J,’ Tony tells the A.I. quietly, patting its back. ‘Fly safe. How long is it going to take?’

‘Approximately eighteen hours, depending on the weather conditions.’

‘Keep me updated.’

‘Will do, sir,’ JARVIS replies and takes off immediately, leaving Tony standing in the basement with a suddenly very empty space around.

‘Sir, you’d better eat something, it’s been an hour since your last smoothie and Mr. Hogan asked me if you are all right. I’d recommend going upstairs.’

Tony gives the A.I. a wide tired smile that disappears from his face a second later, and nods; it’s still incredible to have JARVIS in two places at once (well, in many more, but those two seem – physical), something he was not able to do before the most recent updates. It makes even Tony feel a bit like in a sci-fi movie, despite how crazy his life has always been.

So he goes up and spends the evening with Happy, eating burgers that the man ordered and watching (listening to) a football game; it’s nice and easy and Tony is glad that his chauffeur/bodyguard/friend has been so _normal_ about everything, since Tony coming back home.

Happy doesn’t mind staying in the room with Tony, like Pepper instructed him to do, he says, but Tony asks (kind of begs) to leave him alone and working. And Happy can be a good partner in crime.

‘I haven’t done that for ages, hell, I need it,’ Tony tells the man.

‘Sure thing, boss, I get it,’ Happy replies easily, and Tony spends the night listening to JARVIS, to loud music, and _pretending_ to tinker with more of his ‘exercise kits.’

*

Pepper comes back in the late morning, dressed in her usual clinking shoes, and says nothing; Tony suspects she knows that he hasn’t been in bed at all – she always knows everything she shouldn’t, that’s his Pepper – but she doesn’t say anything for once. She doesn’t mention Gulmira or the (boring) event at all, just calls him up and puts a still warm box with what smells like cheese steak.

‘From your favourite bar out in the town,’ she informs him and sits on his left with her own food; Tony can so guess it’s a pasta salad.

‘How did I earn this privilege?’ Tony asks suspiciously between bites of the perfectly medium rare. When Pepper says nothing, Tony nods to himself knowingly. ‘You are up to something,’ he states accusingly, acting broken-hearted, somehow it’s so easy to dramatic when he’s so fucking tense (two more hours before Mark IV reaches its destination and Tony’s body feels _all itchy_.) ‘I know you are up to something, you don’t do nice things just like that, you do nice things when you want something from me. Am I right? Happy, am I right?’

The chauffeur wisely keeps silent, focusing on eating his food.

‘That is so not true,’ Pepper protests. Then ‘… okay, so maybe I want something from you,’ she admits in the end. Tony gives her _the smirk_. ‘There was this agent again, everyone else gave up but he keeps coming to every event I go to when I’m out. And calling me all the time. He is very polite but I will go mad if he keeps doing that.’

It takes Tony a few minutes to reply, but even when he speaks, he isn’t sure how to choose his words.

‘Pepper, I’m not going to meet with him, sorry he gives you trouble, I could ask J to block his calls, will you J, or something – but I won’t talk about what he wants to know. I said everything I was going to say already.’

(He so much deliberately omits all the ‘I can’t’.)

‘I told him so, but he keeps insisting. Could you at least give it a thought? No rush, okay, but could you?’

‘Okay,’ Tony says solemnly, he can do as much. ‘I’m going to the gym and then down for some time now,’ he informs them as he gets up; it still takes him a moment to figure how exactly he is positioned in the room before he starts walking; he hasn’t been using the earpiece too much, and asking JARVIS for directions when it’s not necessary is just – silly.

_And hour and ten minutes left._

Tony does half an hour run on the treadmill, it’s been getting easier and easier every day and it’s  surprisingly reassuing to see how his body improves. Sure, exercising upper parts is a pain and goes much too slow for his liking, but it’s still something.

There is no shower afterwards, no cleaning up; Tony simply goes down to the workshop in the slightly sweaty clothes. Thinking about water is not a good idea when everything is _so close._

‘J?’

‘ETA twenty minutes, sir. Is there anything you need me to know before?’

‘No, J. I want video and pictures, focus on the SI weapons. I want their serial numbers. Then destroy. No killing if you can avoid it, just knock them unconscious and send a memo to the US base. Leave no traces.’

‘Understood, sir. ETA sixteen.’

‘I’m all ears,’ Tony replies, letting out a short bitter laughter and trying to find a comfortable position on the sofa. It’s another of the impossible tasks, right now: everything seems to be bothering him, he’s just much too wound up. And tired (he hasn’t stayed up a whole night since too long to remember.) And it seems so strange, to be staying in the safely in his workshop, with a chlorophyll smoothie pushed into his hand by Dummy, knowing that he should be _there_ , should be in the suit, taking care of the whole mess by himself. It makes him feel fucking useless. A – a burden.

‘ETA one minute,’ JARVIS states at some point and Tony snaps out of his thoughts.

‘Sure J, I’m here,’ Tony assures the A.I., trying to keep his voice from trembling.

When Mark IV arrives in Gulmira, it’s – a blur (Tony’s never been the one for tropes, but it’s been so often when a simple normal statement gains metaphorical meaning.) There is a lot of muffled noise in the background and JARVIS plays the audio to Tony, keeping it quiet, with his voice clearly audible. He neutralizes the men with scary, _scary_ efficiency, collects the data and sends info to the army like asked, then blows up the remaining weapons and flies away before anyone has a chance to do anything.

‘Everything as planned, sir, I should be back in Malibu in eighteen and a half hours.’

 _Done._ Tony exhales, but for once, the A.I.’s calming voice doesn’t really help Tony much. Neither does a phone calling.

‘It’s colonel Rhodes,’ JARVIS states. Tony is not sure he can speak, yet, so he makes a gesture with his hand that is easy to read as ‘wait a sec and patch him through’, and so the A.I. does. A minute later Rhodey’s loud voice fills the room, it’s a mix between asking if Tony is completely crazy, and thanking him for laying out the terrorists for them (all by tranq shots, will last for at least six hours, _limited edition,_ Tony tells himself sarcastically.)

‘You didn’t tell me you’d use the suit for – this,’ Rhodey says accusingly, ending his tirade.

‘When J told me about the SI leaks, and that place – c’mon Rhodey, you know about the place, I couldn’t just leave it like that, I had to…’

‘Just don’t pull this stunt ever again, man, the generals are going to have my head –’

‘I can’t promise that,’ Tony replies seriously, what makes Rhodey stop and take a deep breathe that Tony can hear over the connection.

‘At least try,’ the man says in the end and Tony gives some indistinct words of confirmation. ‘Pepper knows?’

‘No way.’

‘Good luck, then, Tony; I hope I won’t be meeting you at the funeral.’

‘Ha ha,’ Tony laughs drily, but yes, _when Pepper learns I’ve sent J over there and it’s all me, she’s going to be livid. Fuck this._

‘If not, I’ll see you during the weekend,’ the colonel adds and hangs up.

*

The talk with Pepper happens sooner than Tony predicted, and there is no shouting. Pepper doesn’t seem to be as mad as Tony though she would be, but maybe that’s just an illusion because he can’t actually see her face or body language. Just – the voice. And she’s always been more about death glares.

The Tony-scolding quickly turns into explaining Pepper how JARVIS can work now, since she was aware of the updates, but didn’t realize how deep they went. She seems fascinated and Tony isn’t so surprised, since JARVIS and her are kinda like BFF. The talk is smooth and nice and mundane in a way that Tony has become used to.

 _But now,_ Tony thinks, _it’s going to be the time to use that legal gibberish that JARVIS found for me all those months ago._

(Because when he made the decision about sending JARVIS that hasn’t really been a decision, he made another one that _also_ hasn’t been much of a decision, it’s been just waiting for the right time. And _it is_ the right – the high – time. Tony is not going to wait a fucking single day more.)

So instead of playing the scenario again in his head like he’s taken to doing when he can’t sleep at night, Tony simply says what he has to (it’s _blunt._ )

‘Pepper, listen to me – I want you to be the CEO of Stark Industries. And I need you to honor my last wish and shut down the weapons manufacturing division – can you do that?’


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry if this is messy or confusing, I'll try to make more sense and less silly mistakes next time.
> 
> The longest chapter yet, thanks to exam time procastination. I just can't wait to have my time back for writing, my fingers are aching to type, really. Forgive me for the sweet ending but I couldn't resist :p

‘No,’ she replies flatly.

‘No?’

‘No,’ she repeats. Tony is not sure if he should be unhappy with her answer, since he’s known better than to expect her to say ‘sure thing, why not.’ Not that he didn’t hope she would.

‘… why?’

She sighs, then he can hear her taking her shoes off and letting them fall on the floor with soft thud. She shifts in her chair and sighs again, and Tony starts to feel fidgety.

‘Do you want the real reason or the one that you’d prefer to hear?’ she says in the end, and Tony exhales (he hasn’t even realized that he’s been holding his breath, damn.) He wants to give her _the look,_ but that feels pathetic to himself even, and it hasn’t been working, really. It can’t work.

‘Pepper,’ he just says, knowing that she will read the answer in his tone (it’s obvious anyway.)

‘I would tell you that it’s because I’m not qualified to do the job, I don’t have a degree for that, I’m just a PA and have two majors in fields that are totally not related. But you’d say that I’ve been running your company for a long time, making you do everything you needed and taking care of all your affairs,’ (Tony doesn’t even have to nod to that, but it’s kind of surprising that she says it all: he suddenly realizes that there is a Pepper from now and Pepper from before, too, alike himself: the old one would ask him if he was drinking, and say that he was being ridiculous, and protest, the new one – she knows he is serious, maybe more than ever; it kind of hurts more this way.) ‘But the real answer is that I’m not going to do that because that would mean leaving you here alone, most of the time, and I don’t think I can leave you alone. I don’t think you are ready for that, Tony.’

He wants _so fucking much_ to laugh in her face and be angry and snap with words like, ‘I am ready’, ‘that’s what you think of me’, ‘ _I am fucking ready, I am_.’

Probably he really isn’t. Or at least, he hasn’t been acting as if he was – but he’s made the decision, finally, and there is no backing off.

‘You know that I am very serious about this, Pepper,’ he tells her, standing up from the high kitchen stool and starting to pace around, one of his hands tracing the edge of the table and counters, just to be safe when he’s not counting steps and calculating them into distances. The room feels eerily quiet and each of his steps and each of their breaths echo dully in the frozen space. ‘I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t completely serious. And I understand you concerns, because they are perfectly legit, yes, hey, you know me better than anyone else, better then myself I think sometimes, and maybe only J knows more about me but that’s because I made him –’ he pauses to take a breath, because he realizes he’s ranting pointlessly ‘anyway. I… whatever you might think, I’m not being crazy about things right now. I have reasons to ask you that. I know it’s much and I know that it’ll be such a mess, as a result, but – but it needs to be done, shutting down the weapons manufacturing, and I can’t do it myself, they would just lock me out saying that I have some mental problems and I can’t have the right to decide, it’s too easy, too predictable. Obie would never agree, you know that as good as I know it, it’d be bad for publicity and for our stocks and for the company in general, he’d never agree, and there is no one else I can ask, just you, and I know that you can do that perfectly – actually, I had JAVIS check the formalities, I’m able to appoint my own successors without any inference from the board or anyone else, I’ve checked that months ago, but I wasn’t sure and now I’m because it’s been just too much –’

He stops to breathe again, noticing his hands are trembling with tension, and realizing that he’s said a bit more that he intended. _Pepper will read through every lie I can come up with anyway,_ he thinks. _No lies._

‘If you thought about it for such a long time, why did you decide just now?’ Pepper cuts in, her voice curious and strained at the same time.

‘I told you that I sent JARVIS there because it was the same terrorist group that held me captive, but it wasn’t the whole truth.’

(Of course the info about the SI weapons has not been released to the press/tv. It was to his eyes only, ahh, not that again: to his knowledge only.)

‘Then what was it?’ Pepper prompts, seeing Tony’s reluctance. _It’s funny_ , he thinks, _hesitating even though I know so well that it need to be done. It’s not like you,_ he tells himself. _It’s not like you._

‘The tv has only half of it right, they are all humanitarians and talk about fights and immigrants and all – not that they are wrong, they are right, yes, it’s true and everything – but there is one thing that J told me about, that only confirmed what I knew and what made me think about asking you to take over in the first place…’ he’s so pathetically circling around the answer, and he’s not even sure why.

‘Tony.’

‘Yes, Pepper, I’m getting there – can we move to the living room? I’m going to drive you mad pacing around here, hell, I’m going to drive myself mad.’

‘I’m making the tea just now, sir,’ JARVIS states easily, following the Tony-calming routine that has been established during his meetings with Grayson.

‘Thanks, JARVIS,’ Pepper say and sends Tony to go to the living room, or maybe the room with Tony’s favorite sofa would be a better description, and wait for her. So he does, walking slowly, his cane left behind in the kitchen so the route is from memory. Counting steps is calming right now, so he allows himself to do so, it’s not as much of obsessing as usually. _Good._

When Pepper comes and settles down next to him, putting the mugs with green honey tea on the small table, Tony really wishes to run away. But –

‘It’s something I haven’t told anyone before,’ he starts, taking a sip of the warm drink and putting the mug away, slowly, carefully, since he’s quite sure his hands _will_ tremble too much to hold hot liquid. ‘You know that the terrorists wanted me to build them weapons, the Jericho missile to be exact. I did tell this to the military, to Rhodey. Anyway, that was only half of the problem, they – do you know what guns, what bombs they used? They used the SI things, I’ve seen all the serial numbers, I’ve seen the logo everywhere where they took me around the camp, I’ve seen my own designs stashed there waiting to be used on American soldiers, or maybe some civilians like those in Gulmira’ (Pepper might have gasped, but he’s not sure, he can’t make himself stop imagining those images and it _consumes_ him) ‘So when I heard that name – it was a place close by, yes, but you know that much already – I asked JARVIS to look into it and it didn’t take him too long to get hold of some unpublished photos of the missiles, of the terrorists, with more of my weapons, hundreds and hundreds of SI logos on them, I still can’t shove them out of my head, just imagine how cruel that is? When I can’t see fucking anything, it’s months now, and one of the things I see when I close my – hell, when I let my mind wander, is the image of the weapons I designed that killed people who were in the car with me, young American soldiers that I was just talking with. I…’ Ton makes a short break to calm himself a bit, but Pepper doesn’t say anything in the meantime, just stays so, so still. ‘I was thinking to do that when I was in captivity still, when I was in the cave I swore to myself that if I make it back I will put a stop to it, whatever it takes, but then you know everything that has happened and how it ended and how _I_ ended up _here_ , like this. When I was there, I planned this speech in my head, I’d call a press conference and tell everyone that I’m shutting down weapons manufacturing at SI, effective immediately. Obie would hate me, and you probably too, but that’s would be okay because I’d be doing the right thing, for the first time in my life I’d be doing the right thing… Pepper. I was – distracted. By this,’ he makes a vague motions with his hand, like he’s taken to doing, and she knows well what it means, ‘this,’ he repeats, gesturing at his face, at his eyes, ‘all this made it impossible. But Gulmira – it was the last straw. I can’t… I can’t let it go on anymore. It has to stop. It’s all, it’s all my hands, my handiwork killing people, and I can’t stand that! I just can’t, Pepper. And it’s the only way I can make this change, what I asked you for. There is no other way… Please. Okay?’

(Tony never says please, and Pepper knows that, so he doesn’t have to actually say that he never pleads, but it’s hanging in the air, thick like honey.)

‘You’re asking me to make an impossible decision, Tony,’ Pepper states, moving closer to him until he can feel the heat of her body on his skin; she actually _takes his hand_ ; it’s more reassuring, more welcoming than he’d have ever expected; he can’t stop wondering if it’s because he’s been concentrating so much on the ‘alternative’ senses that makes his body respond to touch and sound so strongly. ‘I understand how all that time in Afghanistan could influence you, but –’

‘I don’t think you do,’ Tony cuts in, closing his eyes and breathing out. _Hands not trembling_ , he thinks. _Much more than I hoped for – why am I suddenly able to be so calm? How?_ ‘Have you ever really thought about how the arc reactor was built into my chest?’ he starts and her hair brushes past his shoulder as she shakes her head for no, forgetting that he can’t see it. That means she is _very_ distressed and Tony hates to make it worse –

– but she deserves to know.

So he tells her about picture with the young soldier and the shrapnel in more detail that she could have ever wanted, about Yinsen and how the man built the socket into his body, how he was attached to the car battery; he tells her about the tortures and the ultimatum and Raza and all the languages they spoke; he tells Pepper about plans for Mark I one, how he believed that Yinsen had family and how he was cold all the time, frozen to his bones, how he got all the scars and burns and callouses. In the end he tells her how he got out, how Yinsen died, how he wandered in the desert for what felt like weeks and weeks, getting sunburned and dehydrated and aching so much that he couldn’t walk anymore, how he remembers he still _could see_ in those last conscious memories he has, then there is a blank hole – when he finishes Pepper’s arms are wrapped securely around his body and he’s shaking and _crying_ , for fuck’s sake it’s pathetic, he realizes, but he can’t make himself stop, it  _h u r t s_  to say all those words, it makes it all real and so, so close (back then the feelings were more distant, crazy, too fast: being terrified and angry and suicidal, never getting better –)

‘It’s not enough, it’s never going to be enough to pay back for what I did, and this is least I can do, stop being responsible for making more destruction…’

‘That’s not right, Tony,’ Pepper protests, speaking up for the first time.

_How long have I been talking, my throat fucking hurts, I thought we were over with that._

He snickers. Pepper only hugs him tighter.

‘That’s not right, and I can’t let you keep thinking that, god, you’ve been telling that to yourself all those months, that you’ll never make up for those imagined faults?’

‘They are not imagined, Pepper –’

‘It’s the world that is – bad, Tony, not you. _Not you_ , do you understand?’ she states forcefully, even though her voice is just above a whisper.

‘I made the weapons willingly, hell, I enjoyed that, I was perfectly happy knowing what they were for, I reaped the benefits of destruction –’

‘Tony.’

He tries to keep his face blank –

‘I need to make it right. I – I shouldn’t be alive, unless it as for a reason, Pepper. I _shouldn’t_.’

(In all the speeches he’s made in his head before, in all those situations imagined in the dead of the night, he’s never planned to say _that_.)

– but he can’t, he’s torn between being angry and wailing in despair at being so helpless.

‘Okay,’ Pepper says after a few moments of silence that feel like ages, eons, too long. Tony is not quite sure she said that for real, _maybe it’s just my brain mocking me, maybe it’s just wishful thinking brought to a whole new level._

‘Really?’ he asks for confirmation. Her body is relaxed next to him, and he thinks that it’s probably a good sign.

‘Yes, okay, I couldn’t… I couldn’t leave you with this alone. But I have conditions and they are not negotiable.’

‘Tell me.’

Pepper pulls away from him and shifts, sitting cross-legged across the sofa, one of her knees gently prodding his side. She takes his hands in hers (again); Tony understands that it’s Pepper body-speak for reassuring him that she’s here, that she’s not going anywhere.

‘First of all, I’m not doing this today.’ (Tony wants to protest, but she doesn’t let him speak) ‘You must tell Rhodey, because it’s going to affect him _a lot_ – you know they are going to blame him. So, he comes next week? Tell him everything. Make him understand.’

‘Okay,’ Tony manages, cringing inwardly at the colonel’s probable reaction. But it’s not enough to make him change his mind; nothing can be enough right now.

‘Second, when if we do this and I have to spend some days away, I don’t want you staying up all nights. And I want someone always with you in the house. JARVIS in one of the suits _doesn’t_ count, maybe unless it’s a very unique situation. And when I’m not here, you are not to do any silly things like before, no – no testing your limits, Tony. If you want to do _that_ , do it when I’m here. It’s not safe, I don’t want to find you in such state like when I went out for that press conference –’

‘Okay,’ Tony says once again. He doesn’t that to repeat, either; a cold chill runs down his spine at the sole thought of the water flowing down his head and – _stop._

‘And third, I want you to tell that to doctor Grayson – no, I’m not hearing your protests right now. He’s your doctor, and it that changes your situation drastically and I want him to know. He doesn’t have to approve, just let him know in case some adjustments need to be done to your medication, or anything. Right?’

‘Right.’ (He can _try._ ) ‘… are we going to make this work?’ he adds; asking for reassurance is not what he does, but this one time.

‘We are going to make this work,’ Pepper agrees and squeezes his hand. Tony gives her a radiant smile and gets up from the sofa. ‘I’m going to workshop –’

‘You are not.’

He stops in the mid-turn.

‘You are not, Tony, do you think I’d let you go now? You’ve just told me all those things, everything that happened and it obviously is difficult – I can see you’re hurt. Stay with me. We’ll have pizza and watch Star Trek, or whatever you want. I’m not leaving you alone to your thoughts.’

‘Lord of the Rings,’ Tony corrects her with a lopsided smile, knowing that there is no changing her mind. ‘I need to brush up on my sindarin.’

Pepper laughs lightly and goes to order the pizza. They do sit down and eat, watching two and a half movies before they are both too sleepy to follow it.

(Later at night, he is so glad that she didn’t let him go, when he’s puking his guts out in the bathroom after a particularly vicious and _vivid_ nightmare, the sounds of explosions still in his ears and the burning sand all over his skin, save where her cold hands touch his body –

‘I’m with you, Tony, it’s okay, calm down, it’s okay,’ she repeats over and over and he tries to believe.)

They spend rest of the night/morning finishing to watch the trilogy and devouring microwaved pizza, and Pepper even lets him skip one of the shakes to make him eat more. When they finish it’s half past ten, and JARVIS tells Tony to suit up. The A.I. always knows how to make him happier.

***

Rhodey is less than pleased when Tony calls him, and promises that he’ll be in Malibu in the evening, instead of waiting for the (next) weekend. But there is no shouting, _what a lovely surprise_.

Tony spends the day bumping around the workshop without doing any actual work. He knows Pepper is up double-checking all the legal issues concerning the situation and talking on the phone with one lawyer or another, he can imagine her heels clicking on the marble floor; she wears her favorite shoes when she is stressed and claims that it makes her feel better.

When Rhodey comes, he makes Tony sit on the sofa, takes a spot next to him and stays silent. Tony gives in after two minutes and forty eight seconds.

‘Just tell me already how mad at me you are,’ he orders the colonel in a voice far too soft for his own liking.

‘I _am_ mad, Tony, I am really mad, but I’m going to listen to what you want to say anyway. Or what Pepper made you tell me.’

‘She didn’t,’ Tony protests pointlessly, keeping emotions out of his voice, but Rhodey will see what he is doing anyway. ‘But – I didn’t tell you everything, back in Germany…’  

He goes on for long enough to make his throat dry again, but doesn’t bother to stop for a drink of water or anything, knowing that if he stops talking, it will only be more difficult to start again. The words roll off his tongue like a practiced speech, even though he says them slightly differently that he did with Pepper, even though they are rawer and more technical.

But in the end, Rhodey says he understands.

‘But even if I know why, on personal level – this is going to create such a _fucking_ mess in the military, Tony, you don’t realize. It’ll all be on me.’

‘I still remember all out contracts up until 2020, and I’m sure Obie has some more now,’ Tony reminds the colonel, running a hand through his hair.

‘You must give me some time to think this over – you’re not changing you mind?’ Rhodey adds hopefully. Tony just shakes his head firmly. (The thought about letting it be makes the anger boil dangerously in his veins, and being helpless and unable to do anything _worthy_ in his fucking life again makes him think about suicide more than he feels comfortable with.) ‘I will try to handle this somehow. You’ll owe me a big one, man.’

Tony nods again. Simple. _Too easy_.

‘I need to get going, now. Work tomorrow at 600. Thanks for putting all this stuff in my head that will keep me from falling asleep even for a minute…’

Tony snickers, making a ‘don’t mention it’ gesture and walking Rhodey to the door.

‘Take care,’ the colonels says, giving him a strong hug, and leaves abruptly, letting a wave of the cool night-scented air swirl around Tony’s body.

 _That’s it,_ Tony thinks, breathing in the fresh air deeply, until his chest starts to hurt a bit, and he smiles to himself. Suddenly – _I know exactly what I need to do_. Then he  l a u g h s.

_Tomorrow._

***

Technically, Pepper is in the house, so he is not breaking the rules, and they aren’t even in power yet since she’s not CEO yet. She probably wouldn’t agree with Tony, but he’s not thinking about technicalities right now.

So after the morning routine: waking up – changing – smoothie – news – breakfast – Pepper going up to do business, Tony gets his earpiece and the cane and goes to the other living room where he hasn’t been spending so much time, the one that has a big door going straight out onto a terrace.

‘J, weather?’ he murmurs, for the first time in months, and the A.I.’s voice slowly recites him the familiar lines of temperature, humidity, cloud types, high tide, everything that has been programmed. It’s a rather warm autumn day, with strong wind, clear sky and no predictions for rain later in the afternoon (though that sounds like a _distant_ future.) Standing in front of the huge window panel, one hand wrapped around the cane and the other resting on an armchair’s back, he switches on the earpiece.

‘J, you there?’

‘As always, sir,’ the A.I.’s smooth voice replies. It feels good to know that he always, always has a backup. ‘J, the doors?’

‘I still don’t think that’s the best idea, sir, and Miss Potts will not be happy – to your left, sir, twelve steps.’ JARVIS recites obediently when Tony gives the nearest camera a look.

He walks up to the doors, his free hand finding the handle soon enough, and he shivers as his palm touches its smooth cold surface.

‘I’m pathetic, aren’t I, J? How long have I been cooped up in this house, how long have I been too afraid to simply go outside, save when in the suit, which is like being inside a tiny protected home-space anyway?’

‘It’s been almost six months, sir, without a week, and according to scientific data this does not qualify as being pathetic, it’s a rather common reaction in cases of sudden blindness, being afraid of unknown open spaces –’

‘Always so technical, J,’ Tony murmurs, but it makes him feel better to hear the A.I. saying that he’s not being a pathetic whiny baby, that it’s – a reaction, a perfectly logical reaction. Logic is good. He can do logic. ‘Ready?’

‘Whenever you are.’

‘Just don’t tell Pepper as soon as we do this,’ he reminds the A.I. and turns the knob, opening the door, and steps out. He leaves the door open (it’s a basic psychological trick, yes) and moves a step to left, to have the house’s wall against his back.

Technically, he knows exactly what everything is like: he is in the shade, on south-western side of the house, and the sun is still on south-east, given the early time. There is a ten by twenty meters (roughly) terrace in front of him, 25% of the dimensions to left, 75% to right; there is a huge barbecue three meters to his left and a set of chairs and a table somewhere in front of him, near the edge of the marbled floor that turns into a garden. Some of the basement rooms are a few meters under his feet, the thought is strangely reassuring.

Further to right, down the high cliff, there is the ocean, its high waves crashing against the stone with a force that Tony has almost forgotten.

He can remember all the parties that took place there, all the girls in swimming suits and the man mixing drinks; but he can remember epic barbecues he’s had with Rhodey and Happy – the chauffeur surely knows how to grill the meanest homemade burgers, that was a pleasant surprise – he can even remember one time he made a pretty big explosion down in the lab, and while he wasn’t harmed, it made some of the windows break (he’s exchanged them for a double-strength, anti-theft one with a special foil reinforcement only to prevent them from breaking again, since he’s had too many tiny shards in his feet to count later and it was very, very annoying, and Pepper’s been mad at him for smearing blood all over the house.)

But –

when he steps out, with all of that info in his head, what he feels and what he knows doesn’t merge into one – when he steps out, everything else disappears because all that there is is darkness, is blackness that surrounds him viciously, without compromises, that makes him want to retch; he swallows the thick saliva and makes himself stay.

What it is, is mostly a strong, strong salty wind.

It’s unpredictably calming. He doesn’t even panic at the realization that instead of all those things that he knows there _are_ , all he can tell is the rough surface of the wall against his back and the soft surface of the floor against his feet; it’s slightly cold since he’s only wearing socks, but that’s a good feeling. Wearing shoes and cutting himself off from the full experience would be cheating.

Maybe it’s the wall behind his back, maybe it’s JARVIS-always-present around, or maybe it’s the fact that he’s so close to the safe space inside and to Pepper who would help him if anything was wrong, but it – the world, the outside, the life – doesn’t seem as scary as he thought it would be. It’s making it hard to breathe, realizing that there is a whole wide space, filled with air and sunlight in front of him, and father there are houses and people and cities and countries and somewhere far, far away is the cave, too – _s t o p_.

The wind is so different from the one that he can remember from the desert, it’s not dry and not burning and it doesn’t bring grains of sand, shoving them into his eyes; it’s just strong but feels _soft,_ smothering all his bare skin.

He breathes hard, breathes deep, the oxygen filling his lungs until it’s painful, like the previous evening, until his chest hurts and his arc reactor feels on fire (so cold, so cold that on fire).

‘JARVIS?’ he says, calming his breathing, remembering to count between each breath, as if he was using the chewing sweet method (put a chewy candy in your mouth, chews three times, breathe, chew – breathe – chew, he’s learned that all those years ago, when he was nineteen – but it’s probably not a good idea to reminisce on that, _please_.)

‘Sir?’

‘Talk to me.’

JARVIS starts to recite the most recent weather readings, waiting until Tony is ready. When Tony pulls his back away from the wall, feeling the sudden cool wind on his shoulders and shivering, JARVIS pauses for a second, before starting to navigate. Tony takes a slow steps, tiny baby steps but it’s walking ahead, stepping away from the open door and away from the still safe atmosphere of the house. He tries to make a projection in his head, of what JARVIS is telling him, discarding his memories since apparently some of the pieces of furniture were moved around in the meantime.

His head is blank, empty, and it’s good. It’s easy. It’s perfect.

He’s not panicking.

‘Two point two meters to the barrier, sir. In front of you.’

‘Mhm,’ Tony murmurs and moves ahead, using the cane to be assured that he doesn’t walk into the something. When the tip hits the metal, Tony stretches his hand to catch the railing. It’s refreshingly cold, again, and feels a bit moist from the ocean and maybe from a morning mist. He puts the cane on his left and rests both of his hands on the metal.

It feels – scary, to know that all the space around him is unknown, is likely to change, is beyond his control (that is probably the most difficult thing: the world beyond his control.) But for once, he is in control, as much as possible, but he is in control.

***

Some time passes, Tony breathes, the sun moves and starts to peek from behind the house, rays slowly climbing from Tony’s feet up to his calves and thighs. It is as soft as the wind, so delicate and whimsical compared to what he remembers from the cave – the desert – the two things that have devoured his life. 

At some point, he hears the familiar footsteps coming from far behind, diffused by the sounds of the ocean and the wind and the birds’ songs. No echo, what make him blink ( _blink_ ) in wonder why for a few moments. It’s been a constant during those last few months.

‘Tony? Are you okay?’

It takes him a moment to gather his thoughts. The scents and the sunrays and the wind’s swirls are distracting.

‘Mhm,’ he says instead of proper words.

She comes up to him, standing on his right.

‘This is big,’ she says. Tony nods, even though he’s not so sure. ‘Why?’

Now, this is a question that Tony has an answer to.

‘I’m trying,’ he replies. He feels like a person who is speaking a new language, with limited knowledge of words, his responses so short. ‘This – to show you. That I’m trying.’

‘You didn’t have to.’

‘… wanted,’ he tells her, tightening his grip on the railing. She wraps her arms around him from behind and they stay like that, sun climbing up to his face but _it’s okay, it’s faint and pleasant, I didn’t expect this_ , he thinks. They stay in place until his legs and back and neck are stiff, until Pepper’s hand grow cold from the strange position they are in. 

‘I can’t put this – what I see now, how I perceive things – together with what I remember. It’s…’

But he can’t finish the sentence, and it’s one of the few things that Pepper can’t do for him, either, so they stay silent, until she sighs and untangles her arms.

‘You know that time for your smoothie has passed some time ago? You need to get it now, I’m sorry. But you’ve missed it the other day.’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees, not feeling up to discussions, this time. He’s not sure he can stomach anything else than blended food right now, anyway and even blended food sounds risky. _So, a double smoothie, at least Dummy will be happy._

(He actually manages to hold down two smoothies and it feels much more like a victory than it should.)

***

He calls Chiara.

They have spoken a few times since that one time she came, trading overexcited words in Italian – or maybe it only sounded like that to Tony, who hasn’t been around Italian people too much recently, and most things seem exaggerated there days anyway – he told her about his progress and his work, listening in exchange to her colorful stories about her work and life and the trip she made to Italy recently. But Tony never wanted it to be _specific_ , not until now.

After they say the usual pleasantries, Tony decides to be straightforward. He’s discovered that being straightforward is the best way to deal with himself when he need to be serious.

‘I’ve been feeling like I’m being split in two,’ he tells her. ‘Or more, like my world is being split in two: the pieces don’t match.’

She cuts in before he can say anything more.

‘This is not something to talk over a phone. Do you want me to come? I can come whenever you need me, I told you as much.’

‘I’m not –’

‘How does Sunday sound to you? It’s the easiest day for me, since I don’t have any fixed plans,’ she tells him joyfully; he can hear page’s rustling in the background. _A calendar_.

‘I don’t want to –’

‘It’s not a problem, _bambino._ Hold your thoughts until then, and have some coffee for me, please? Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Take care, I need to disappear now,’ she says and hangs up.

Tony is not sure what to think; the only thing that comes to his mind is that he’s been saying ‘okay’ way too much recently. Maybe more than in all his life, huh.

Saturday is Tony’s scheduled meeting with Grayson, so he only asks JARVIS to text the man with confirmation, like he always does, and place an order for some tea and the best Italian coffee beans. And _cantucci_ with pistachios from Bronte.

***

In the afternoon, when Tony is down in the workshop finishing the JARVIS-run security for SI, another thought comes to his mind and he acts on a whim, deciding not to let himself back away from progress like usually, being scared. (He remembers exactly what he thought after the meeting with Chiara: _why haven’t I decided to do this earlier?_ _Am I going to ask myself that every time I take a step ahead?_ So this time, he is going to reach out.)

‘J?’

‘Yes, sir?’ the A.I. answers promptly; Dummy’s joins make a small noise as the robot looks up from where he is tidying up a workbench according to Tony’s orders and JARVIS visual-verbal translations.

‘Patch me through to that man who’s been nagging Pepper all this time.’

‘Are you sure this is wise? You’ve made one step today already –’

‘Sometimes you need to run before you walk, baby,’ Tony tells the A.I. and makes an expectant face. ‘Now could be good?’

‘Of course,’ JARVIS replies and directs the connection to Tony’s earpiece. The phone is picked up after three dial signals.

‘Agent Phil Coulson speaking,’ the man states. His voice is so calm and reassuring that it’s almost offensive.

‘You’ve been trying pretty hard to get hold of me, agent,’ Tony states flatly.

‘Mister Stark.’ The voice replies. ‘It was really impossible to get through the assistant of yours.’

‘That’s Pepper,’ Tony says lightly, with a teasing note (because he can, because the day is good.) ‘She is a very good assistant.’

‘I don’t doubt it,’ the agent responds in the same flat voice. Tony is not sure if he should like or hate the man, it doesn’t feel like he can do anything in between. ‘What exactly prompted this call?’

‘What do you want from me?’ Tony asks in response, _hey, it’s kind of a vital knowledge._

‘… we’d like to debrief you. Regarding your escape from Afghanistan.’ (Tony notes that it’s escape, and not capture or stay. Ah.)

‘We?’

‘Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. S.H.I.E.L.D. in short. We are a government agency, specific focus. There are some questions we need answered, Mister Stark.’

‘Maybe I could do that. It depend on the questions,’ Tony muses aloud. Jarvis tells him a few short words about the whole S.H.I.E.L.D. _Seems like they take care of everything an average citizen wouldn’t believe was real,_ Tony concedes. Doesn’t sound too bad. ‘Can you come over? My Malibu house?’

‘Does Friday sound good to you?’ the agent asks and Tony laughs, because really, it’s too surreal to keep a straight face.

‘Sure. Should I send a car?’

‘I know where to find you, Mister Stark.’

‘Be here at noon. I will have someone start the tea,’ Tony teases, because it’s easier than wondering what the questions will be about, not that it’s not obvious.

‘I’m a coffee-only man.’ (Tony laughs again, hell, he’s going to seem either happy or crazy.)

‘Good that I’m having best Brazilian bean shipped tomorrow, then. Goodbye, agent,’ Tony replies and hangs up. ‘Not a word to Pepper on me, J. I’ve got this.’

‘As you wish, sir,’ the A.I. states into Tony’s ear in a resigned voice.

(This night is better: Tony wakes up a few times, with cold sweat all over his body, feeing like falling into dark cold space, it’s so different form the usual. He can take that. Plus, Pepper is asleep, so at least he wasn’t – loud. The nightmare is more annoying than scary. Progress, Tony Stark way.)

***

Thursday is a day like any other, the only two things that happen are the shipment of the coffee beans arriving, and Tony going outside again. It’s on a different side of the house, with a direct view of the ocean; the sounds are louder, more angry, and Tony loves it. The waves’ crashing, and the scent, don’t make him feel like puking. Don’t remind the muddy lukewarm water. It’s – cleansing.

Also, Rhodey calls and apologizes for not supporting Tony fully and doubting him, what makes Tony confused as hell. Rhodey says that he doesn’t know why, but he thinks that Tony will make it worthwhile. Tony can’t stop smiling for the rest of the day; he is still not sure if he deserves that amazing people around.

At night Tony sleeps brilliantly, without waking up at all. Full eight hours. (That is progress also in the Pepper Potts way.)

During breakfast Tony informs Pepper that ‘the agent’ is coming over. She doesn’t want to believe him at the beginning, but he is serious. She says it’s great and she thinks the conversation will be good for both sides and hopes she’ll be left alone now.

The agent comes two minutes before time and Tony already has the coffee boiling since he’s expected nothing less.

‘Let the man in, J, direct him to the kit – no, the living room.’

‘I’ll bring the coffee,’ Pepper murmurs from the corner where she’s been talking in the phone with another lawyer. Tony takes the cane in his hand and walks to the living room, stepping inside a second before the other man. There is a moment of silence, that Tony might have imagined as well, before the man speaks in exactly the same emotionless voice.

‘Mister Stark. Good to see you up, despite what they say on tv.’

‘Don’t tell me you watch that crap, Agent Coulson. Also, there is no reliable source of information about me not controlled by Pepper.’

Tony walks up to the middle of the room and the man does the same. When he stops, he puts the cane in his left hand and outstretches his right – _I didn’t expect such a strong handshake, white collar. That S.H.I.E.L.D. thing must be something else._ It feels strange, knowing the man’s voice, feeling his warm hand with more callouses than Tony has expected, but the rest being a – black hole. Or an all-white silhouette.

‘I bet you are the emblem image of a boring middle aged government man, Agent,’ Tony says, taking two steps back and moving to sit on the sofa. (It’s easy to be the usual snarky, bastard self.) ‘Tell me what he looks like, Pepper,’ Tony sing-songs when he hears her shoes closer and closer. When she puts down the tray with coffee on the table, Tony is seated, the agent next to him on the sofa; Tony has expected him to sit opposite. But well.

‘That’s rude, Tony,’ she replies, sighing. Of course, it’s Pepper-speak for _I know this is not comfortable for you, and being ridiculous makes it easier, but please have at least some dignity._ She is tough. ‘Nice to see you, Agent Coulson. Without having to hide from you.’

‘I’m glad I don’t need to nag you anymore,’ the man replies. Pepper smiles, of course Tony knows that she does, and walks away, leaving them with the sweetly bitter scent of coffee. ‘You can as well see me without your assistant’s input,’ the agent adds easily and Tony freezes.

‘I thought you came here to boss around in your perfect suit that I’m sure you are wearing, ask me questions and scribble answers down one of your agency-issues notebooks,’ he replies, because hell, he doesn’t know what to do.

‘I’m not a bureaucratic robot, Mister Stark, even though many people would fiercely protest against that declaration. I’ve had one of my agents temporarily blinded. I’ve learned a lot.’

Tony snorts (because it’s an easy, expected reaction, almost like a Pavlovian response), but he still doesn’t move a muscle; his brain keep screaming that it’s not, it’s not safe. It’s not.

The man pours himself coffee and takes a few sips, totally not behaving like an ‘I’m a busy man’ kind of person Tony anticipated. It just gets more confusing. The silence is not exactly tense, thought, not really hostile. A bit awkward, but it’s more… _expectant. That’s a good word._

‘That’s some good coffee,’ the agent states and somehow, it sounds so ridiculous to Tony, even though it isn’t really, that he laughs, his voice echoing familiarly in the vast space (it _is_ probably the best coffee money can buy, so there.)

‘You don’t have to do this.’ The agent’s voice feels a tone warmer.

‘I’ve only done it – once,’ Tony finds himself replying; he’s not sure why he tells that the man he’s just met a few minutes before. He _doesn’t_ do things like that – but well, then he does. His hands really move by themselves, it’s just a twitch, but of course it doesn’t go unnoticed. Hell, he feels so strange, it’s all more and more surreal.

‘Let me,’ Coulson says and takes his hands, bringing them to his face like Chiara did. ‘Remember, my agent? He had his hands over everything and everyone once he got past being silly.’

It’s almost ticklish, when the face muscles move under Tony’s fingertips. It takes him maybe a minute to make a mental image of the man’s complexion, more or less as indistinguishable as Tony has expected, with short receding hair, all other features perfectly normal, almost too typical. _Undercover work perfection,_ Tony thinks, _and also trying to blend into the crowd, A+, Agent Coulson._ He only hopes his assessment is somehow accurate (as accurate as he can get, he remembers.)

‘… thank you,’ Tony says when his hands are back on his lap, before moving to get him a cup of coffee. The agent’s tiny smile is audible. ‘Do you want to call me Tony? Because you can totally call me Tony,’ he adds, flashing a wide smile, and drinking half of the coffee at once. It’s like ambrosia. He hasn’t had it in his mouth for _ages_ , and it feels like a real prize for his new accomplishments more than Pepper forgetting that he’s supposed not to drink it, because Pepper never forgets things. ‘Do I get to call you your name? Or should I call you The Agent?’

‘Agent Coulson or Coulson is good, Phil if you really want.’

‘Phil. Doesn’t suit your voice, but okay, Phil.’ (Tony grins as he says that. He figures being on the first name basis is only fitting if they are letting each other into respective personal spaces far more than it’s normally courteous.) ‘I understand your agency will keep all of this top secret. No leaks.’

‘We wouldn’t dream of that, Tony.’

‘Okay then,’ he replies, taking a deep breath. ‘Shoot.’

They talk until four, with one interruption of when Pepper brings warm coffee, some snacks and a smoothie for Tony. The questions are more specific and insightful than he has expected, but he manages to answer at all of them apparently satisfactorily. He even manages to keep his voice from trembling, though it breaks a bit a few times. But he’s said most of those things out loud recently, and this time is not much worse.

Tony invites Phil to stay for dinner, but the man declines, claiming that it’s been a long talk and he still has a lot of work to do. Tony is inclined to believe him. When the agent leaves, he walks him to the door and pushes a bag of the coffee bean into the man’s hands.

‘What car?’ he asks before Phil can comment, taking a step out of the house and stopping there.

‘Black Acura. S.H.I.E.L.D. issued. Perfect drive.’

‘Classy,’ Tony agrees before turning around to go into the house.

‘We’ll be in contact,’ Phil says, his voice quieter as he walks away, and Tony nods. He is not at all surprised when he almost bumps into Pepper. She says that wasn’t so bad. He agrees. When they go to the kitchen, Tony discovers that Happy is there too, they call it a celebration _again, yes, again,_ and order favorites, including a blueberry cake; Tony feels a little silly, but accepts it all gratefully. Cake is always welcome.

***

Tony talks with Obie on the phone, like every week, and his voice is as confident and strong, his words as quick as always, and he is sure there is nothing that can be considered out of ordinary. He doesn’t want the man to know yet –  it will end with a quarrel, and a lot of anger on Obie’s side, but he’d never agree to Tony’s idea.

On Saturday Grayson comes, exactly on time always, and Tony (or rather JARVIS) has the tea ready in the living room. Tony is sitting on the sofa when the man comes, playing with the hem of his shirt, and this makes the man ask him what’s wrong without greetings.

‘Nothing,’ Tony says, although it’s kind of silly since he knows he’ll have to say what’s troubling him anyway, especially since it kind of involves the doctor directly. ‘Okay, but this cannot be repeated to anyone, and I’m kind of serious now, and since I’m hardly ever this serious, please?’

‘This is patient-doctor confidentiality, Tony.’

‘Okay. I suppose this means I can spill everything to you’

‘You’re playing to get more time.’

‘I am,’ Tony agrees, because the man knows his tricks too well, even if they do not do all the talking, the therapy-talking, not really. But Grayson is apparently that good at reading people. ‘I’m making Pepper CEO and shutting down weapons manufacturing. As soon as we get the legal things right.’

The man is silent for a few moments, but he takes his cup and sips the hot tea, so that means he is thinking what question to ask (see, Tony can read the man too, a bit, and he is damn proud of that.)

‘What triggered this?’

‘Gulmira,’ Tony replies, having kind of expected a similar question. He didn’t tell the doctor all about what happened _back there_ , so the exact name doesn’t mean what it really means. ‘They have SI weapons.’

‘Ah,’ Grayson sighs and drinks some more of his tea. ‘I understand.’

‘I am telling you this because it’s one of Pepper’s conditions,’ Tony adds, feeling like it needs to be clarified, because it does.

‘Of course,’ Grayson agrees and Tony can swear he can hear a grin in  the man’s voice. They both know that Tony would probably say it anyway. But there’d be an excuse. It seemed to Tony lately that the doctor likes excuses, as if they were a sign of getting better, as opposed to plain dry facts and information.

‘I think there might be a legal issue,’ Tony says when he’s done with his tea. ‘I mean, I’ve been kind of out of work – out of the world, really – and the board might try to vote against my decisions.’

‘You want me to declare you _compos mentis_.’

‘I might need it, yes.’ ( _Well, if I qualify, that’d be nice, that’d be very nice to know I’m in control of my own mind, since it’s kinda official._ He’s not going to act anxious like he is, no way.)

‘Okay,’ Grayson states easily. Tony grins, not that he means to, but he grins.

Tony tells the doctor of the two new achievements; he seems surprised. Tony can almost imagine his eyebrows shooting up because yes, _they’ve been more of the carpe diem moments, act on a whim moments_. He tells the doctor briefly about Coulson and how it was not creepy and strange to let someone else into his little world, not like he’s expected. How it was amazing, amazing and breathtaking, to expand the little world into an uncontrollable space. It gets a small praise.

‘This shouldn’t make an impact on the medicine you’re taking, unless you think the situation might trigger nightmares. It’s been better, right?’

Tony nods and waits for elaboration (and yes, it’s been better with the nightmares, at least when he has them, he’s not waking up shouting like he did at the beginning. It’s quiet, and most of the time Pepper doesn’t even know; Tony stays in bed breathing, imagining staring out of the windows, or puts the earpiece in and asks J to play some soft music that pours sweetly calmingly straight into his brain.)

‘If anything happens, you call me, if you are feeling much worse or better; this is going to be a messy time, people-wise and life-wise, and emotional-wise too. So give yourself space and time and don’t push anything, please, because medicine can’t do everything for you.’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees and they talk for a few more minutes before the doctor leaves.

JARVIS makes him drink two of the shakes since he’s kind of missed one, and he goes to sleep with a taste of green on his tongue, and the thought that he’ll need some good food delivered tomorrow for dinner.

***

Chiara comes on time, too, and Tony laughs when she does, because he could fall into the middle-aged housewife routine, having someone come by for tea or dinner every day; the only thing he’s got wrong is that there should be some noisy neighbors who’d always want to borrow something from him. There are no neighbors within few kilometers around the house, unless he can count Happy, but he’s the one Tony borrows things from, well, in a way.

‘Buongiorno, _bambino_ ,’ she greets him and Tony laughs.

‘I’ve got some good coffee,’ he replies instead of saying hello and lets her hug him. It’s more of a physical contact that he’d let anyone but Pepper, Rhodey and Happy, but he knows there is no saying no to her. ‘And don’t call me that.’

She laughs, too, and Tony can just imagine her disbelieving look, because they both know she’ll do what she wants. He wonders if she has changed, somehow, since the last time they saw each other (Tony still remembers his half-surprise when he expected Chiara to have long hair like Pepper told him, even though it was a joke from the very beginning.)

‘Is Pepper home?’

‘She’s up, she’ll come for dinner, she said.’

‘Just you, me, and coffee,’ Chiara declares, sighing, and walks past Tony into the living room; he follows her there and father into the kitchen. ‘I hope I can operate this monstrosity of yours,’ she adds, lightly pushing Tony to sit down.

‘I can’t really drink coffee,’ Tony tells her in a theatrically disappointed voice. ‘Pepper would have my head. It doesn’t work well with meds. And I have never used this coffee maker by myself, either – you work it out? J?’

‘I can operate the machine if I’m provided with specifications, and Mrs. Malley puts the coffee beans inside,’ the A.I. replies, making Chiara flinch when she was standing, still with her hand on Tony’s shoulder. She’s taken to the idea of a talking computer quickly enough, but it’s always surprising unless you have JARVIS around all the time, Tony knows.

Chiara does as she is told and gives Tony blueberry soda that he wasn’t aware was even in the house, and when they are seated by the counter, hands resting on the cold marble, silence falls between them for a few minutes.

‘You called,’ she states in the end, giving up waiting for Tony to speak.

‘You said it’s not something to talk over the phone.’

‘It’s not.’

‘It’d be easier,’ Tony counters, because that is so very true. It would be easier. It’s always easier – though not being able to see somebody’s face, their reactions is kind of nice, because Tony still kind of hates (real, honest) emotions.

‘Tony,’ Chiara says heavily, in a tone that makes him hang his head down and slump his shoulders. ‘Maybe I can help you with what you’ve been experiencing.’

‘I told you, it’s been like – being separated in two, you know? Between what I knew before, and what I’m getting to know now… Did I tell you I went out this week? For the first time since – since I took ride home from the airport? It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, not as scary, but later, I’ve been trying to sort it in my mind, like that time I asked you how accurate my hands-seeing can be…’

(Now, in his imagination, everything is black, all the objects, all the details, like a complete darkness in a movie, when a spectator can still see everything, it’s just dark and colorless. Tony imagines how everything looked like before and how he knows the world now: then he tries to merge the two images. Everything seems to fit, but only when he looks closer he can see that the edges are blurred, the details are lost, and he can’t tell if anything really fits.)

‘It’s not uncommon,’ Chiara tells him in the end, when he’s out of words and they both have finished their drinks. ‘What are you afraid of?’

(It takes Tony a few long minutes to reply, and he reminds himself, when he’s just about to speak, that no, Chiara is not a therapist, she’s a – friend, probably. _Easy, there, boy. Easy._ )

‘Forgetting,’ he says in the end, because it’s as close to the truth as words can get, not perfect, but close enough.

‘I don’t think so,’ Chiara counters and takes his hand; he follows her lead to the living room and sits next to her of the sofa, their bodies touching and he’s surprised he doesn’t mind. ‘I think it’s more like this: you are afraid that the world as you get to know now will replace what you remember from before. It’s not really forgetting, it’s just – letting the _before_ go. What you have to do, but it doesn’t have to be bad. You shouldn’t be scared. Believe me, you won’t forget. You won’t forget colors and shapes, textures and sunlight and shadows, you won’t. Young children do, sometimes, but even they usually have some memories as adults, even when they are not fully aware what was that.’

‘You work with children,’ Tony cuts in flatly, because he hasn’t known that. He never ordered J to look her up like that, trusting Pepper, and it never turned up in conversation. But of course, it’s not that surprising, given her personality.

‘I do. With kids who were sighted but lost the ability to see. They are the sweetest things, and they are so different from adults – you know what they do? They keep the memories of the _colorful_ world like their most precious treasures, because it gives life a dimension that now they are deprived of. They are not bitter about learning the world the new way, because it’s the only way… You’ll never forget. You must be at peace with how the world is now, for you, but you don’t have to worry.’

‘It’s been six months –’

‘– and it seems like a long time to you, but it’s not. It’s still transition, you’re still getting used to it. This isn’t any kind of competition, counting how much time does it take you to get back to your life, as much as that’s possible. It really isn’t.’

‘It feels like a long time. It’s been a long time. You know,’ he starts bitterly, flinching away from Chiara, turning away from her even though he can’t see her (surely disappointed) face ‘that I’ve been – _depressed_ , like the doctors like to label, I’ve been on the meds for a long time and yeah, they are working, but it’s stupid to depend on chemical substances to be able to live a quasi-normal life… It’s kind of better, because of the medicine, I don’t get nightmares as much and I’m able to get myself off bed which wasn’t so obvious’ ( _just stop now, why the fuck are you saying this? Do you really want all this attention?_ ) ‘and – I feel pathetic because it’s taking so much time. It’s been full six months and I’m – the same, really. Other people –’

‘Don’t give me that,’ Chiara replies angrily, putting hands on his shoulders and turning him to face her _– what for, honestly?_ – and he is surprised at how sudden, how bold the gesture is; he kind of wants to get away from her touch, but knows that she’d probably win, since she has this one little advantage. ‘Tony, this is the worst thing you can do, compare, make it a race – was all you did because of that? Meeting me, the agent, all your plans, going outside? Was it? I thought it wasn’t. I thought you decided that it’s the right time.’

‘It is the right time, it is the high time. I… I needed it all. It wasn’t because of trying to compete, hell, I don’t even have anyone –’

‘Then why mention it now? It must be a thing, in your head,’ she adds and ruffles his hair easily, what is strange and awkward and nice.

‘I– I just realized how much I could have done, if…’ he stops there, because it’s a dangerous path. _Very good, silence, boy, very good._

‘Tony, _please,’_ Chiara begs and then she calls him _tesoro,_ slips into Italian and he gives in to the almost too fast to follow words, melodic and sweet and compelling.

‘Pepper is right, you know,’ she says in the end in English, snapping Tony out of the trance-like calmness, confirming his suspicions that the two woman indeed keep in touch. ‘She’s right when she says you shouldn’t be alone, and that’s not because she thinks any less of you, I am sure you knows that. But because she’s worried, she’s been worrying for such a long time.’

‘I’m not –’ (but she doesn’t let him finish again, the mind-reading sweet creature.)

‘Can you honestly, one hundred percent honesty here, can you tell me that you are sure you will be all right if you spend all days alone, because that’s what the job will require at the beginning? Sorting out the mess? Can you give Pepper one hundred percent?’

‘I can’t, but even if she was here I couldn’t.’

‘But then she’d be here – understand, Tony. We are all worried about you, all your friends and me too,’ Chiara states easily, and it makes Tony’s stomach clench just a little, because no, he doesn’t let himself think about that. Not really. ‘Couldn’t Happy stay with you while she’s away?’

‘I guess –’ _How does she ever know his name, have they met? I wasn’t aware they met._

‘Anyone else?’

‘Rhodey, when he has a day off from the army…’ Tony breaks off, because well, as many lovers and _friends_ he has, there is really no one else he’d trust and who’d have time.

‘Not enough, not enough…’ Chiara sing-songs, standing up and starting to pace around the room; Tony listens to the echo of her steps to know where she is, it’s been kind of a game. ‘I could come sometimes, if you can bear me. That’d be lessons, though, no slacking off. But I have lots on my schedule – or I could introduce you to someone.’

‘Huh?’ Tony asks unsurely, since he’s not sure he can follow.

‘If you don’t have anyone who could stay with you, I could introduce you to some people I know, who could come and stay with you. At some point, at least, maybe – I understand trust issues. It’s an option – but we’ll talk later,’ she cuts off Tony’s eventual response as Pepper’s shoes start clicking down the stairs.

‘Pepper, sweetheart, you look beautiful,’ Chiara says, walking up to Pepper and giving her a hug (Tony guesses.) He wishes he could simply, easily say the same. ( _Ow how it fucking hurts._ )

‘Good to see you, Chiara. Food will be here in ten, we should probably set the table,’ Pepper replies happily and they all move to the kitchen. Tony walks without the white cane and doesn’t feel anyone’s eyes on him too much, thought he is sure Chiara will insist on seeing his progress later.

Happy comes with the food and they eat slowly, taking their time and talking in between, all four of them with JARVIS speaking up now and then and by the third time, Chiara doesn’t even drop her fork. Everything goes smoothly.

After dinner Tony takes the cane and leads Chiara outside, to the balcony he likes most. It’s encompassed by soft glow of sunset, but Tony can only imagine how it must look – splendid, amazing, sunrays reflecting in all the glass and metal – but he doesn’t let himself dwell too much on it.

‘I see you’re getting more comfortable with the cane,’ Chiara states as they sit on one of the benches and lean against the warm wall; the evening is surprisingly pleasant for the time of the year, it’s the end of astronomical autumn, not that it makes such a big difference in Malibu. But this year ( _the week_ ) has been exceptionally nice.

‘I am,’ Tony admits, although it still burns a little. ‘Figured there’ll be the world to face at some point, so I’d better be prepared.’

‘You’ll leave them stunned,’ Chiara replies affectively and Tony can’t help but grin. Good. ‘I never thought you’d be so human, Mister Stark, after having heard so much about you on TV. And in the magazines.’

‘I’m not sure I was – or I’m sure I wasn’t,’ Tony admits. ‘It’s strange how it doesn’t feel like it was all real now. And at the same time I don’t feel like I’ve changed so much.’ (That is, again, not something he was planned to share.)

‘I think you’ve always been – this. Yourself. The same person. You were just let loose, misguided, _un_ guided.’

‘Blind,’ Tony says and laughs bitterly at that, _yeah, the fun._ ‘I was messed up, but it’s now that I have it in papers, being messed up, and I still can’t tell Pep–’ he cuts off there, and he _knows_ that Chiara raises her eyebrows.

‘You can’t tell what?’

He doesn’t clarify, but somehow he’s sure Chiara knows.

‘I will be going,’ she tells him at some point, when he’s almost shivering because the night is refreshing, and the salty breeze from the ocean makes his skin itch a bit, in a good way, assuring him the water is safe, safe, so distant and different from _that_ one. ‘I’ll talk to my kids and call you when I have someone you’d like.’

They walk across the house to the main entrance in silence.

‘ _Grazie mille_ , sweetheart,’ Tony replies in the end in his best seducing voice, what earns him an amused chuckle. ‘No, really –’

‘Oh, just call me anytime,’ she reminds him before giving him a hug and disappearing into the darkness. Tony grins a bit sadly at the darkness until her car leaves, and tries to go straight to bedroom. Playing hide and seek with JARVIS is never fair though, so he is forced by the A.I. to drink his shake, what makes him rather nauseous again. It doesn’t help that he knows it’s not a permanent solution, he knows that it’ll be more and more and more and then – but he doesn’t let himself think ahead that much. Not at all.

***

He is so fucking tense when he lays down in the bed, Pepper on the other end with her tablet in hand, reading an ebook probably.

‘Thank you,’ she says and he blinks in confusion. ‘I think you earned yourself a meeting with lawyers, big boy,’ she adds, crawls across the bed (he can hear the fabric rusting, can feel the mattress trembling on his left) and gives him a kiss on the forehead.

Tony opens his mouth to say something, but he has no idea what, he’s not sure what he has in mind would be right, _no it wouldn’t_ , so he lets the tension go in a burst of rather hysterical laughter that makes his chest ache strangely, all the tender tissues around the reactor, but he rolls to his side and it’s easier. Pepper joins in.

Tony thinks it’s one of the strangest and most amazing moments of his life.

‘When?’ he manages to rasp out in the end, when he’s calmed down enough to breathe normally.

‘Wednesday. Okay with you?’

‘Not like I have my schedule booked,’ he replies easily (though he kind of has, there is one thing that needs to be installed. But he is ready. JARVIS is ready, too, and they will ensure Pepper’s safety.)

‘Sweet dreams,’ she tells him, turning off her tablet when she’s back in her spot, and then the hum of electricity in light bulbs dies.

(For the first time in months) Tony dreams, dreams about himself in vivid flashy red and gold, because he is _Tony Stark_ , and dreams about the sun reflected in the suit’s shiny surface and in Pepper’s eyes.

 


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this was we have arrived to the end of IM1, which was supposed to happen a long long time ago.  
> I really don’t know how to do any action (even if it's rather mellow compared to what we have in the movies) so I’m not very happy with this piece, please forgive : )

‘It’s time, I guess,’ Tony tells JARVIS when he’s doing the usual workout in the morning. With some exercises that are not just running, the more he works out with the upper body the easier it seems, and it’s a great feeling. Like going back to himself. ‘Pepper will be taking over on Wednesday. Hell, I still can’t believe when I say it out loud, can you believe it, J? _Finally._ ’

‘I trust Miss Potts,’ the A.I. replies quickly and Tony feels like throwing a pillow or something at the smartness.

‘Everything is ready?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Access the main SI system, passcode one-seven-phi-oh-oh-nine-nine-jay-bourbon-three-nine-five-two-eight-es-es-sigma-one-oh-nine-one-blueberry.’

‘Perfect, sir. Accessing. Your sense of humor will never cease to amaze me,’ JARVIS adds blankly, but Tony can hear a smirk in the dry voice. ‘Access granted. We’re in the system.’

‘Install Ginny 1.0., authorization password oh-oh-eight-theta. Go wild, baby.’

‘Authorization granted, installing engaged. Estimated time until finish, three hours forty minutes.’

‘You lazy thing,’ Tony comments affectionately (though he knows perfectly that it’s as fast as possible, with how big the security program is, and there is no risk of anyone learning what Tony is doing because when all the previous systems were installed he always left a backdoor, and the keys all ended with blueberry for his own amusement, yes, typical.) ‘I need something to do in the meantime. J, ideas?’

‘The weather is exceptionally nice today,’ JARVIS replies in a perfect innocent voice. _Of course he knows I need this, normalcy, and of course he’d know when I feel better_ , Tony thinks and laughs at himself. _I’ve created a monster._

‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’

‘Why not, sir. And then I’d try to take over the world.’

Tony laughs, his voice echoing in the big space. Now, that’s his J.

‘You have my permission anyway, J, no need to hide. But you’ve got me there – is Happy around? Call him if he isn’t. But he is.’

‘He is, sir. Mister Hogan will be here in a moment.’

(It really is just ninety nine seconds, thank you.)

‘Sir?’

‘We’re going for a ride, Happy. Okay with you?’

‘Of course, boss,’ the man replies, and if his voice is a bit reluctant, Tony is hardly able to tell. Well, of course, he knew how to choose his people wisely. ‘Right now?’

‘In five.’

‘I’ll be waiting –’

‘Take the Tesla,’ Tony cuts in, turning around walking away to let Pepper know where he’s disappearing to, not giving Happy much possibility to protest.

Pepper is surprisingly cool about the idea, but then Tony is not sure she understands what he really means by ‘I’m going out, will be with Happy, back in an hour or something’ between two phone calls she is trying to handle at once.

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ Happy asks Tony when he is finally sitting on the Tesla’s comfy leather.

‘No.’

‘Okay,’ Happy states and pulls out of the driveway abruptly, pushing Tony into the seat, the air murmuring into his ears and swirling around his body.

(Happy is kind of Tony’s favorite, right after Pepper, JARVIS and other bots, and Rhodey. The competition is rather tough.)

‘Trust you,’ Tony adds when they get onto the main road. He’s sure Happy is smiling.

They drive for an hour and a half, not at the crazy speed Tony was used to _before_ , but fast. There isn’t much talking or music playing, since the cabriolet is much too loud for that, especially with strong salt-scented wind – the little persistent thing that he’s never cared to notice – in addition to the noise of cutting through the air at such speed. (Tony almost panics a few times, but he learns he has a better hold on things that he’s expected. All it takes are some deep breaths, with the air forcing itself into his lungs, and practicing the chewy sweet method with an actual sweet, since it turns out Happy keeps a stash of Wham cola bars everywhere he goes. Kind of suspicious, but Tony doesn’t complain.)

He wears sunglasses all the time, and his hair is such a perfect mess at the end of the ride. The winds still seems to whistle in his ears when he gets out of the car.

***

‘Thanks, Happy. We need to do this again.’

‘Whenever you want, boss. I was starting to get bored.’

(Tony has talked with Happy about babysitting him. Happy laughed at the word and said yes solemnly, saying that he has no power to go against Pepper’s word. Tony couldn’t help but agree.)

‘Next time I’m taking you to narrate, J, you think the earpiece is going to be disturbed by the wind and air?’ Tony asks as soon as he is in the house, still feeling slightly dizzy and overwhelmed after the big mad ride.

‘Negative, sir. It really shouldn’t.’

‘We’re perfect, hmm?’ Tony muses, making his way to the workshop where Dummy is waiting with the shake already. It’s almost an hour before Pepper calls him to the kitchen via JARVIS, and when he goes up, it turns out there will be homemade food, and he is ordered to a light duty of helping.

‘Agent Coulson called,’ Pepper tells him when he is stirring the tomato soup. She is making grilled cheese, Tony can smell the melting cheddar, and it’s a heavenly scent; her grilled cheese is the best. With herby butter (the kitchen does have the remote aroma of thyme, yes.)

‘ _J_?’

‘I didn’t consider it important enough to disturb you, sir.’

Pepper snorts amusedly, and Tony can’t help but do the same.

‘Why do you always manage to sweet-talk yourself out of scolding? I protest,’ Tony asks, but there isn’t any answer delivered, other than Pepper asking the A.I. to call Happy to come for lunch.

After eating Tony goes down to the shop again, with some music playing in the background, he calls the Agent. Because it’s fun, not because he has to, obviously.

Coulson says he has some more questions, what isn’t very surprising since they talked more about the terrorists than Mark I or the arc reactor in Tony’s chest, and according to what Pepper told him a few times before, those were primary concerns of S.H.I.E.L.D.

‘Just come over whenever you can. Preferably before Wednesday – no, make it before Wednesday. You’ll be grateful if you come before Wednesday.’

‘I get the hint, Stark,’ Phil says drily. ‘I will be there tomorrow at noon. Not that the director will be happy, since I do have a day job to do. But maybe he’ll forgive me because it’s you.’

Tony laughs at the audible smirk in the man’s voice, which is a lot coming from him.

‘Just be here,’ he adds before hanging up and moving to pretend to do some work for the ( _approximately_ ) seventeen minutes left before the system is funny installed. It passes in a blink, and then JARVIS speaks up.

‘Ginny 1.0. fully operational, sir. No conflicts detected. We’re under all other layers of security in the SI systems as planned.’

‘You see all the cameras and sensors?’

‘Positive, sir.’

‘Okay. Keep an eye on everything from now on, especially with Pepper there. I want you to have the armor on a stand-by before Wednesday, just in case. How long will it take to fly from here to the SI California headquarters?’

‘Approximately seven to eight minutes at top speed, sir.’

‘Will do for now. If anything is wrong fly over there without asking me for permission, just notify me as soon as possible.’

‘As you wish,’ the A.I. replies. The voice is maybe a bit more reluctant than usually, but Tony doesn’t really pay attention.

***

Coulson comes over a minute before noon, which makes Tony laugh instead of greeting the man as he’s standing in the doorway and listening to the Acura stopping in the middle of the driveway. They move to the living room and Tony orders JARVIS to make coffee for the man, because the exhaustion is clear in his voice now; Tony feels just a tad guilty for dragging him away from his work.

But there’s no way he can talk about _that_ over the phone.

Tony offers rather vague explanations – vague technically, mind you – and Coulson tries to make him be more specific, taking notes with his soft-moving fountain pen. As much as Tony trusts the man (sure, JARVIS run background check on Phil and on whole S.H.I.E.L.D., plus Tony was more than surprised to learn his own father was one of the founders; he isn’t stupid enough to follow them blindly) he is not going to give the tech specifications for the suit or the reactor, because it would mean compromising his and Pepper’s security and fuck, he’s so not doing that.

Coulson drinks another cup of coffee while Tony sips his shake without enthusiasm, and when they both are frustrated enough with each other, they decide to call truce and Coulson asks Tony what he was going to say.

‘Pepper’s taking over SI and shutting down weapons manufacturing. Thought I could give you and your secret spy club heads-up.’

The Agent is actually speechless for a few moments, what Tony awards himself about a million points for, _well, that’s probably excessive, but live while you can_.

‘And you’re telling me this why exactly?’

‘I don’t know, to have you have our back when the media and the army go crazy?’

‘Why would we?’ Coulson shoots back and Tony can tell he is curious.

‘Maybe because I am fully aware that you’re going to pester me about the tech unless you are satisfied, or at least partially satisfied, and you’re the most secret agency in the whole country and you probably could do what you want and get away with it, along with threatening me and trying to steal my data what you’ll never be able to do but you would try anyway? I might not be able to see, _Phil_ , but I have my eyes on the whole lot of you in many other ways. And if I’m ever going to do anything _for_ you, you need to do something for me first. Easy. That’s my condition. And no, doing something for you does not include making you weapons.’

‘What makes you think we want to negotiate?’ Coulson asks, his voice icy, but Tony just shrugs easily. _Power play and bullshit, ah, and I am the master of both. Still._

‘Because no matter the circumstances, everything you want to have most is here,’ Tony replies just as coolly, tapping his temple. ‘In my head, and only there.’

(Which is true, because the arc reactor specs were deleted from all the databases as they were fabricated, for Tony and the suits. JARVIS can recreate them soon enough anyway, when Tony asks him to. And the suits, or any tech S.H.I.E.L.D. might think about, it’s all useless without a sufficient power source.)

‘We’re not almighty,’ Coulson shots back and Tony laughs. He’s _really_ been feeling better, those last few days. ‘But I’ll see what we can do about all the army not getting mad at you.’

‘Label it secret stuff,’ Tony suggests easily, giving the man a quick wide smile.

‘It’s not so easy.’

‘It just might be,’ Tony replies, getting up. ‘Staying for food?’

‘No time. Still need to report your – conditions, to the director. He’s not going to be happy.’

‘That’s your problem, sweetheart,’ Tony replies easily.

‘Of course it is,’ Coulson says before disappearing.

Tony and Pepper eat together, going over some last changes in Pepper’s speech for the press conference that she’ll schedule for four p.m. the next morning, since they agreed it’d be better to keep things secret as long as possible. The rest of the day passes in the usual way, and if at night Pepper sleeps close enough for Tony to feel her body , if searching for comfort and reassurance; he doesn’t say anything when they wake up.

***

The two lawyers come by at ten, together with Happy what makes Tony raise his eyebrows questioningly.

‘Two witnesses are a requirement, Tony,’ Pepper explains. Tony nods, because it makes a lot of sense, he’s just never thought about it before.

Then he makes a verbal statement, proclaiming Pepper his successor (and manages to keep his voice smooth, bravo.) Then it’s the paperwork, read out loud to him by one of the lawyers in the presence of the witnesses, and when he declares he agrees with everything it says – that’s not so much, really, it’s nothing more than a change of the CEO seat, giving her board right and all the jazz, while Tony gets a seat since he’s still the owner, blah blah – he presses his thumb against the ink pad and, guided by the lawyer, leaves his _impression_ in the right box.

‘Everything is in order, Mister Stark,’ the elderly man says; Tony thanks them both and they leave a few minutes later. Pepper goes up to her office to make all the required calls. Tony swallows down his shake and dozes off on the sofa, after having slept just three hours at night, the medicine is still making him so much more sleepy than he used to be.

***

Pepper wakes him up, and Tony can immediately tell that he’s slept longer than he wanted, but it’s okay. No nightmares. _Thing of beauty_.

‘All the members of the board will be there, and the approved journalists. Just so you know,’ she tells him softly. ‘I’m going now, Tony. It’s half past two. Wish me luck.’

‘I wish you luck,’ Tony replies obediently with a tight smile, sitting up. Pepper gives him a kiss on the cheek.

‘Happy is in the gym,’ she adds. Tony blinks.

‘Isn’t he driving you? You can’t go alone –’

‘Phil is giving me a lift.’

‘Phil?’ Tony asks, cocking his head. ‘I’m not sure I like it.’

‘Don’t play jealous now, you know I’d never leave you and all this romantic things, I don’t have time for this now – god, I spend too much time with you, I start talking like you now – I told you I’m not having you alone in the house, and if I took Happy, it’d be rather difficult to have someone who I trust here. So there. Talk later, bye,’ she finishes and walks away quickly, heels clicking furiously, and Tony pities (just a tiny bit) anyone who’ll try to mess with his Pepper today.

Tony goes down and spend some time with Happy, doing some light workout and counting minutes alternately. Since the press conference is not going to be transmitted live anywhere, Tony cleans himself up waiting for the news channels to get hold of the information and start being crazy. It takes them around twenty seven minutes which is more than Tony expected, but then not everyone has a JARVIS to help them.

The media goes crazy. Tony listens to the frantic and hectic reports while waiting for Pepper to come back. There is a gossip that claims he is close to death and it’s his last wish, huh. _Now, that’s new_ , Tony thinks, but he’s not sure if he should laugh or be angry. Probably both. When they start to comment on how Pepper is not competent enough because she’s only been a PA, Tony asks JARVIS to turn the TV off and play some music as he goes to the shop.

‘They’re gonna be surprised soon enough,’ Tony tells the A.I. between sips of the shake that Dummy pushed into his hand by force.

‘They will,’ JARVIS agrees, and they are right because most people do not realize that as much as Tony knew how to be a good and effective CEO because hey, he’s taken over SI when he was twenty one and he’s done a good job and keeping it together, Pepper is better, and he lets her do as much as she wants.

Tony has JARVIS monitor all the SI contacts and messages and give him a brief overview. The stocks are going to drop like crazy over the next few days, obviously, but Tony is not worried about that. There is an endless stream of interview/info requests to Pepper and to other SI representatives, but surprisingly little to Tony himself.

There really isn’t as much uproar from all the Generals (at least not where JARVIS can check) as Tony would have expected. _Guess I owe the Agent some good coffee beans now_ , he thinks and asks JARVIS to save a bag or two for the next time the man comes to visit, along with some platinum cufflinks because he is still an eccentric billionaire, and Coulson is  seemingly in love with his custom tailored D&G’s, according to JARVIS’ reports; Tony likes to be informed.

***

Obie is _livid._

Tony can’t say he’s surprised. They talk on the phone for a few minutes that consist mostly of the older man shouting and Tony trying not to grimace.

‘You better make up for this mess somehow,’ Obie says and it shouldn’t hurt, but it does. ‘I will come over tomorrow, I think all I can bear today is a good few drinks, Tony. We are going to talk,’ he adds, and Tony can’t _not_ hear the threatening tone of the voice. But then he knew exactly what he was doing.

Just as the man hangs up, JARVIS informs Tony that Pepper entered the house and that she is alone, Coulson leaving in his Acura straight away.

‘I want to castrate all the old chauvinistic men,’ Pepper declares as she enters the shop. Heels are off, Tony can barely hear her soft footsteps. ‘But the looks on their faces were _priceless_ , when I showed the documentation.’

‘I’m so glad, Pepper,’ Tony tells her, resting his hands on her hips. ‘I’m so happy I have you, and that you are so brave to take all of this shit on yourself. I seriously owe you. What do I owe you?’

‘I could reason with a kiss,’ she replies, making Tony blink and smirk. ‘No, really. That, and a long holiday with SPA is some exotic place when everything is calmed down enough for me to take some time off, what probably will not happen in months –’

Tony cuts her off with the kiss. (For a fraction of second he’s worried he’ll miss her lips since he can’t fucking judge by sight, but he doesn’t. It should probably count as one of the greatest accomplishments of a blind man.)

He breaks off when he feels like suffocating. Silence hangs between them for a few moments, until Dummy chirps, rolls up to them and pokes Tony, and the Pepper. Tony pets the bot absentmindedly, but a moment later he realizes that the robot, who never sees Tony being physical with anyone, is just jealous. Pepper seems to understand that, too, because they break into laughter simultaneously.

‘Don’t worry, Dummy, buddy, you’ll always be my first love,’ Tony assures the bot, patting his claw sensor. The bot makes a happy beep in reply and  moves away.

‘My life is strange,’ Pepper announces, her voice light and tired.

‘I’m sorry,’ Tony replies sheepishly, but before he can say anything else, there is a short loud noise from the corner and half a minute later Dummy is back with shake for Tony. It’s a full hour before the schedule, though. Tony takes the cup with a frown, but the bot rolls away happily.

‘I think Dummy is trying to tell you to drink now, since he’s aware of your aversion, sir, so that you and Miss Potts can have a dinner together later in the evening.’

_I don’t have any idea of what’s happening here, huh._

‘Did your robot just set up a date for us?’

Tony laughs again. He can’t quite remember being that happy – carefree – for a long, long time, and even all the craziness that will need to be addressed the next day doesn’t concern him at the very moment.

‘Bots, Pepper, bots,’ Tony responds, giving her a quick kiss and taking her hand to lead her upstairs.

‘Indeed sir, I have just placed an appropriate order, the food will arrive in about one hour,’ JARVIS replies, and if this isn’t being smug, Tony doesn’t know what is.

***

‘You’re not in your right mind, Tony,’ Obie says when he enters the house at eight a.m. sharp. Tony is sitting in the living room, but since it’s all open space the strong voice carries and he can hear the words clearly, followed by quick heavy steps.

‘Actually I am, according to a professional –’

‘What are you trying to pull off this time? Please,’ Obie continues, ignoring Tony’s words and throwing an arm around his back patronizingly. ‘You’re making your PA the CEO and make her pull this crazy stunt at the same time. We are iron mongers, Tony! That’s what Stark Industries is! That’s what we do, we make weapons.’

‘And I thought I haven’t been taking part in anything these last few months,’ Tony counters, because that’s exactly what Obie told him to do. Lay low.

‘It’s just a few months, and think of what you’ve been doing your whole life, even when you were still a kid, you were helping you father and me and the business, like you should be. I don’t want to be angry with you, Tony, I understand this is difficult for you, but you can’t take your frustration out on the company, because it’s not only your thing, did you think about me? About the board? About shareholders?’

‘I’m not taking my frustrations out, Obie. This – it’s something more. I don’t want the body count to be our only legacy,’ Tony replies, wriggling out of the man’s embrace and walking away a bit, into the other room, and sitting by the piano. Obie follows him, the shoes clicking on the marble floor.

‘Tony, what we do keeps the world from falling into chaos –’

‘Then we’re not doing a good enough job,’ Tony cuts in, putting his right hand on the instrument and pushing some random keys, making a high echoing sound. ‘We can do better. We’re gonna do something else.’

‘Like what, are you going to be a hippie now? You can’t just throw away all the SI legacy.’

‘It’s my name at on buildings and on the contracts and on the weapons –’

‘Everyone in the company has rights!’

‘– and it’s in the rules and in everything where you put your signature, too, that I _can_ make decisions single-handedly when I think it’s necessary, wasn’t that one of dad’s conditions?’

(He actually says _dad_ and not Howard, because Obie hates when he calls his father by his name, _you’ve got to respect him, Tony_ , repeated endlessly throughout his childhood.)

‘Howard didn’t mean it for whining like that, Tony.’

‘I don’t care what he did, the decision is final. Full stop. We’ll look into another direction to develop and expand.’

‘Like what?’ Obie snaps, tapping his hands on his leg, like he always does when he’s upset. Tony presumes he’s seated himself on one of the leather armchairs.

‘Energy business. Clean energy is kind of the thing now, there is never enough new tech in the area, and you can have a lot of contracts if you’re good, which Stark Industries is,’ Tony replies flatly, continuing to tap the keys randomly. _Wonder why Obie hasn’t stopped me yet, huh._

‘You’ve got something up in your sleeve, don’t you, Tony?’ Obie says as he gets up and walks to where Tony is siting. ‘I know this face. What do you have?’

 _And yes_ , Tony thinks, _I guess it’s time for the grand show._ Because he’s known, since the day when he asked JARVIS to check if he can appoint his successor, that when the day comes, it’ll mean showing off the jewel in his chest

‘Arc reactor,’ Tony says easily, never stopping to play, and Obie’s warm hand stops his all of sudden. ‘Just what you heard.’

‘Arc reactor that is not even close to being cost-effective and there has been no work done on it for what, thirty years?’

 _Showtime_.

‘Not really,’ Tony says, starting to unbutton the shirt he’s wearing. ‘I mean something more like this – it works,’ he adds with a dramatic finish, opening the shirt. He knows there was no light seeping through it before, since he made sure to choose the thicker one that’d block the light, and Pepper recently had most of his tops lined with a thin layer of a special fabric (saying that if he’ll be in public, maybe, he can’t show off his light, what is perfectly right.) It was supposed to be for army uniforms, but apparently JARVIS decided that it was good for something else, too.

‘ _Tony_?’ Obie sounds kind of stunned, and Tony grins widely. He can only imagine how it must look, seeing the circle of blue light embedded  in his chest, with all the scarring around, and with no warning.

‘I made it back there,’ Tony explains, making a face. He’s quite aware of the older man staring at him and he hates feeling the eyes on his mutilated body, but it’s okay for now. ‘To keep shrapnel out of my heart. A few pieces. It seems that necessity makes everything possible – you see. _It works_.’

‘Why haven’t you told me about it before?’ Obie asks accusingly, instead of acknowledging Tony’s words.

‘I only told Pepper,’ Tony replies because it’s perfectly true, Rhodey and all the doctors that saw him back in Europe found out by themselves. It’s not really an answer though. ‘I needed time. Do you think it’s easy to live with this thing inside your body, Obie? It’s not. And I could only imagine what would be the reaction if – people knew. ’

Now, that is both true and will probably keep all other questions at bay.

‘Okay, Tony. Okay. I need to think about this. You better have something good to do with the reactor,’ Obie says, buttoning up Tony’s shirt quickly. ‘I need to think about this, and we can talk on Monday or something. I need a few days off with some good scotch and a cigar to relax from this madness you put me in.’

‘Sure thing.’

‘I call you,’ Obie adds and pats him on the back strongly before walking away. Tony doesn’t move until JARVIS announces the man drove off.

 _Wasn’t so bad_ , he thinks. _Though I dread what Pepper will say when she comes back after the stock going down like this._

***

Tony spends the rest of the day on the usual activities, dragging  Happy along with himself as they chat about – everything. Really. They have a lot in common, in a way, and Tony almost forgot how it is to have a normal conversation on mundane topics.

Pepper is exhausted and her voice is a bit raw from all the talking she had to do during the day, explaining and explaining and explaining everything. Tony makes her, with JARVIS’ help, honey and lemon drink that is good for sore throat, gaining himself a kiss on the forehead.

 _I really should write those little bastards some nice code upgrades_ , he thinks, because it’s been – better, whatever it is between him and Pepper. Even though nothing more than the supper with a perfect chocolate fondant and a few light kisses happened.

They spend the evening ‘watching’ yet another of the sci-fi classics and Tony can’t stop himself from pointing out that Pepper hated those when she started working for Tony, telling him that every single time she found him watching a movie instead of working. It seems like a very very long time ago.

The next two days pass in a similar way, with Pepper heading out early, Tony and Happy passing the time, and evenings together. It’s a routine Tony could get used to if Pepper was only less tired, because it’s feeling – good. Tony’s been taking the medicine and has been drinking the smoothies and even has managed to put on little weight, _bravo, mister_.

***

On Sunday Pepper stays at home and Rhodey comes to visit, bringing a lot of still-hot food with himself and congratulating Tony from behind the box that he’s holding as he enters the house.

‘You’ve made quite a stir,’ the colonel says. They go to the kitchen because it’s lunchtime and the food is ready to eat. Perfect. ‘That little agent of yours is kind of scary when he gets serious, though.’

‘You met Coulson?’ Tony asks, surprised, because the man has never mentioned anything like that.

‘Yeah, he came by to talk with the generals and thanked me for looking out for you. I mean, how weird is that? Some stranger, a perfect incognito agent with clearance level and authority higher that yours, walks up to you and says _I’m from S.H.I.E.L.D. Mister Stark asked me to handle a few things regarding a matter I was told you know of. We’ll make it easier for you, colonel. And thanks for having his back._ That’s almost exactly what he said.’

‘That’s so like Phil,’ Pepper joins in, laughing and sets the table.

‘Yeah, he pretends to be nice, but I’m sure he’s lethal,’ Tony adds before digging into the food: it’s  fried chicken pieces from a place Rhodey and Tony love, so it doesn’t even require using cutlery and Tony is happy like a kid when he can eat with his hands.

Later, Pepper disappears upstairs to read a bit and simply relax, and the two men and up in the living room, with a football game on the big screen – and in the speakers, hidden cleverly around the room – and drinking alcohol-free malt beer that was hidden in Rhodey’s magical box.

‘I’m sorry, man,’ Rhodey says at some point, and since it’s completely out of context, Tony doesn’t have an idea what it’s about.

‘Huh?’ he replies wisely, waiting for elaboration.

‘That I was so mad at you when you told me you’re shutting down the weapons manufacturing.’

‘You already said that,’ Tony says with a frown, because the colonel did say that, and Tony doesn’t hold a grudge, honestly, _this is not some teenage drama_.

‘I know, I know, but … You’re going to hate me for this –’

‘For?’

Rhodey shifts next to him and Tony can easily tell he’s uncomfortable, even though the reason is still unclear. He takes a sip of the beer and sets the bottle down, turning towards the colonel and making his best impression of an expectant face.

‘I think I would keep being angry at you for doing something like that if it weren’t for – this situation. I know you won’t like when I tell you this, but I keep thinking about you, about all this differently than I would otherwise, and I feel like I should give you more space yhan in any other situation.’ (The speech is messy, but Tony knows what it means.) ‘It makes me think a lot, you know. About my job, and your job and everything. Puts things into perspective. When you notice there are different things that are more important than what you though holds the first place, you know? I want to see you happy, man, first and foremost. I want to be here when you need me and I hate when I can’t. And sure, we’ve been friends before, but I’ve never felt… protective.’

‘Hey, you’re going to make me think you’re hitting on me,’ Tony jokes, but Rhodey sighs and probably gives him a long look, so he stops. ‘Okay. Thanks. I mean, you’ve looked for me, no? When most people wanted to give up. Fished me out of the sand, and all that. Kept my secrets. Been here for me. Just – thanks, sweetheart. And if you want, I can never mention the hour of girly confessions to anyone, buttercup, if you swear not to do it either.’

‘Pinky swear, man, like that time in eighty eight –’

‘Ugh, don’t remind me that,’ Tony whines.

He feels safe in the colonel’s presence, and it’s all he could ask for. Even though he’s sometimes ordered around like a baby, but it’s kind of in place.

Rhodey insists to help Tony with washing, like he always does, making it an unspoken rule. The water is up to Tony’s knees, without asking, _he never asks and thank heavens for that_ , Tony knows he’d panic. The level’s still far, far away from his head or the reactor, but he’s all in goose bumps anyway.

***

Tony is tucked in, Rhodey leaves and Pepper comes to bed and falls asleep in a few minutes. Tony drifts off for a bit, but he’s not sleepy much, and when JARVIS speaks up softly, he’s on alert immediately.

‘Sir, there is an issue I feel obliged to tell you about.’

‘Now?’

‘It can’t really wait,’ the A.I. replies, what makes Tony actually shiver in a wave of fear, because whatever has upset JARVIS must be serious. Tony sneaks out of the bed barefoot, walking as quietly. Pepper doesn’t wake up, a testament to her exhaustion, when he opens the door and tiptoes to the workshop. _One good thing,_ he thinks for the hundredth time, _is that I can be around at night and it doesn’t make difference._

‘What is it, J?’ he asks, sitting on the sofa and wrapping himself with a blanket that Dummy – no doubt forewarned by JARVIS – holds in his claw.

‘I’ve been running a routine check of the SI servers, going from year two thousand, like you asked me, sir, and I have noticed a series of shipments you were not aware of. Recently, neither Miss Potts not the deputies were not notified of them either.’

Wow, it shouldn’t be that unexpected, the terrorists had to get the weapons somehow, but that it was happening for such a long time, _fuck fuck fuck_.

‘In fact, there is no authorization on either of them, they just seem to be done through a program that would make them undetectable for the usual security.’ (What means as much as it must be someone who _knows_ the normal security measures, one of the best in the country of course, and that narrows down the possible suspects  a  l o t.)

‘It’s the wayward weapons that you mentioned when you were talking with Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodey and most recently with Agent Coulson. Some of the serial numbers match those recognizable on photographs from Gulmira that I told you about.’

_Of-fucking-course._

‘The latest one is from yesterday.’

‘And you know who it is,’ Tony states, because that’s what the A.I. s trying to say, he knows well enough the methods that JARVIS learned from himself.

‘My data is conclusive that it is Mister Stane, sir.’ JARVIS states coldly. Tony is not sure he’s more stunned at the information or at how livid the robotic voice sounds. ‘It’s one hundred percent sure, given that her was the only person present in the facility from which the yesterday’s logs were made.’

 _Fuck_ , Tony thinks. And it’s about as much as he is able to come up with, because _hell, Obie_ –

‘He’s going to go after Pepper,’ Tony realizes. ‘And – and after the arc reactor, why the fuck did I show him… Am I right, J? He’s going to, no? He’s been fucking with me for _decades_ – are you really, really sure?

(Tony knows JARVIS can’t be wrong or her wouldn’t tell him.)

It’s easier to believe this is really happening than Tony would have thought, what is rather terrifying.

‘The eight minutes you’d need to get the suit from here to LA is not enough, J,’ Tony states firmly. ‘We need a plan.’

***

Monday morning, Tony tries to behave as normal as possible, which he manages to perfectly enough for Pepper not to notice anything unusual. As soon as she gets out of the house and into the car with her personal driver waiting, Tony gives JARVIS thumbs up and the suit is deployed. It’s going to land on the top of one of the buildings near SI headquarters, since that particular skyscraper has activity sensor on the roof, _of course_. But not everyone is that insightful, luckily this time.

There is no actual indication that anything would happen so soon, but Tony has a bit of a gut feeling, so he prefers to be prepared anyway.

At eleven, Obadiah pulls up in front of the mansion, and Tony braces himself – because it’s fucking scary, not being able to know what exactly he’s facing – and gives JARVIS a command to do whatever is needed to ensure Pepper’s safety, short of killing people. The armor has enough tranq shots for fifty people. (Because Tony figured they’ll be both – attacked – at the same time, since otherwise JARVIS would inform the other immediately.)

Happy is out running on the beach and of course Stane would know his exact workout hours.

Tony is in the workshop and JARVIS narrates him what’s happening, as the older man puts out a device that is supposed to disturb all the electronic impulses around, meaning disabling the A.I.

‘Pretend you’re not here,’ Tony orders and JARVIS goes quiet. That would be an issue, maybe, before the updates Tony gave to his tech duringbthe last few weeks.

Tony, without information from JARVIS, hears the man go down to the workshop, footsteps echoing in the wide staircase. Apparently Obie thinks that Tony is not able to use any of the equipment, and since he can’t tell if the lights are out, he’s surely not supposed to notice that something is wrong with power in the house. (Of course he would notice, because he’s been used to the soft buzz even before the blindness thing, but not everyone is aware of that.)

‘Tony,’ the man starts with a cheerful voice, walking up to where he is sitting on the sofa, smoothie cup in one of his hands. ‘I came to talk to you.’

‘I know, Obie. What do you want to say?’

‘Up to business, no? That’s my boy,’ Obadiah adds, dropping onto the sofa next to Tony. ‘I was considering what you said, about the arc reactor, and I thought it could be a good idea. It seems like a good prototype that we could work with,’ he adds, tapping his hand on the reactor which makes Tony flinch suddenly because it’s not _what you fucking do_ , and suddenly, the other hand is circled around his neck and making it hard to breathe, and Tony can feel the unpleasant warmth on his chest.

‘That’s good, Obie, you’re not mad at me anymore?’ Tony tries, because he’s not sure what’s going to happen –

‘How about I take the only working prototype, _Tony_?’ (Tony knows that with the hand tracing the edges of the reactor he should be panicking, but – all he can think about is Pepper) ‘That will make it so much easier for both of us, you kn–’

Then Obie suddenly inhales and his grip loosens, his body suddenly limp and sinking into the sofa, making Tony stand up quickly, shuddering with disguist.

‘I thought we were to make it longer,’ Tony states, massaging his throat and trying to calm down his racing heart. He wanted Obie to _say more_ , because it was all recorded. Obviously.

Tony doesn’t want to add another number to his body count, so the man is only tranquilized.

‘He was touching the reactor, sir,’ JARVIS replies as it if was obvious. Maybe it is.

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees, ‘and Pepper, is she okay? Did they come after her like I thought –’

‘There are four men approaching her office, sir, dressed in business suits, probably disguised as clients who want to go for a lunch, since Stane would not want it to be obvious, he apparently wants – wanted – to arrange kidnapping… Engaging, sir. The armor’s been deployed, the men's faces match with secret services databases, they are mysteriously disappeared convicts.’

‘Oh _fuck_ ,’ Tony breathes heavily, still standing in one place since he doesn’t want to come any closer to Obie’s, Stane’s unconscious body. ‘Are they very dangerous?’

‘They are attempting to be polite, but Miss Potts seems to notice that something is wrong…’

Then Pepper hits a security breach button when one of the man takes out a small syringe with whatever med they want to use to ‘persuade’ her – Tony is sure the cameras are conveniently _broken_ , to anyone but JARVIS – and then the armor comes crashing through the windows, startling all of them. The A.I. controlling the suit immediately uses the tranq ampules and puts out the four men before the can do any real damage.

‘Miss Potts seems to be in light shock, staring at the four people laying around on the floor and at the armor that to her knowledge should be at home – she’s okay. I’ve just told her you’re okay. The security guards are almost at her level, reaching now… entering the room.’

‘Don’t go anywhere, J. Stay with Pepper in the armor until she’s home.’

‘Of course, sir,’ the A.I. replies, and so he does.

Tony calls Coulson, because it’s the best idea he managed to come up with at night. He says something along _hey, could you come by, I have my father-figure, who just tried to kill me and sent his goons to kidnap Pepper, unconscious on the sofa, but he’s going to stay that for only two more hours, and by the way, he’s been the source of the leak of SI weapons all over the world._

The agent comes twenty minutes later in a helicopter that lands in Tony’s garden, probably destroying all the precious plants, not that anyone cares. In the meantime, Tony calls Pepper and tells her a few warm words, and assures that everything is okay, is going to be okay.

‘You make my schedule such a mess, Tony,’ Coulson greets him and follows all the way down to the shop. (And yes, Tony could just walk around orienting himself by counting numbers, but he feels safer with the cane. It’s more sensible, too, probably, since he’s kind of distressed.)

‘My pleasure,’ Tony replies and presents the agent the view of the workshop, that – he thinks – is very calm and casual and doesn’t indicate that if not for JARVIS, he’s probably be on the floor, drawing last breaths of a pained cardiac arrest.

‘Sir, Miss Potts is calling to confirm –’

‘Palmers, Romanov, Folse?’

Tony is not sure what it’s about, he reflects during the brief moment of silence.

‘Yes, Agent Coulson,’ JARVIS replies.

‘Confirmed, then. I sent agents as soon as you called me, to clean up your mess. Four people tranqued there, huh? And what, an _armor_? Stark, what did you come up with this time?’ Coulson’s voice is bored and disbelieving at the same time, what makes Tony almost giggle. Of course it’s just the tension that’s been building up in his body and nothing else.

‘I will tell you later… He’s not leaving Pepper until she’s back here. Don’t worry,’ Tony says rather _not_ reassuringly, but it’s okay. But on the second thought – ‘Or I can tell you now. Just JARVIS, talk to Happy when he’s back.’

(The A.I. took care of restoring the power system and bringing everything back to the usual state in whole twenty seconds)

‘Let’s get some coffee, shall we?’ Tony suggests, and lets Coulson lead him up. There are some people walking there and back, but Tony was informed they are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, ready to take Ob– _Stane_ into custody. 

***

It’s an hour before Pepper arrives with ever more agents, and in the meantime Tony does make a coffee for the agent and the rest of them, too, only shooing them out of the kitchen. And the shake, again, for himself. He talks about the suit and about what he discovered last night and Coulson is mad at him for not telling anyone, but not as mad as he probably could be since everything ended well.

‘I can’t believe you _knew_!’ Pepper shouts as soon as she is in the house, making everyone in the hearing range cringe at her angry tearful voice. ‘And you’d let them – you’d let _him_ come after you –’

‘Calm down, Pep,’ Tony pleads, embracing her as soon as she’s close enough. ‘See? Everything was fine. I was sure it would be fine, me and JARVIS, we are the great team… That was easy, no? The easiest way.’

‘I hate you so much sometimes, you irresponsible moron,’ Pepper replies and kisses him on the mouth. Tony is _sure_ that Coulson looks away.

‘I’m sorry, Tony, but you said that you and JARVIS are the team, but what about the person who is in the armor?’ Coulson asks blankly and suddenly Tony knows what was the thing he managed to leave out, somehow. _Ah. Now, time for the fun._

He tells Coulson everything the man needs to know, as soon as they go down to a body-free workshop: Tony insists it must be not be general knowledge, even in the S.H.I.E.L.D., since a sentient A.I. in a suit that can take out a few dozen grown-up men at least is _not_ what the public can know about.

‘You’re my permanent headache recently,’ Coulson complains at the end, probably staring at Mark IV’s shiny perfect surface. ‘So it’s nothing more than your A.I.’

‘Exactly,’ Tony admits. ‘Help with covering for it?’ he adds sweetly.

Coulson sighs again, this time almost unison with Pepper, and they start _plotting_ again.

***

On Tuesday morning, after the whole America has learned about Obadiah’s betrayal – Pepper decided the story should be told to the media, in a shortened and censored version – and everyone is outraged and crazy about the events, Tony being in the virtual spotlight again after those few months of break, and after all the mysterious cell phone photos of _an armored man_ flying around Los Angeles – there is yet another press conference.

Tony sits in the living room with Happy, sipping his usual and listening to Pepper’s calm words, as if it wasn’t strange at all, describing the events in the SI headquarters and Stane’s connection to it, and introducing JARVIS in Mark IV.

‘This is a special suit that was designed for Mr. Stark’s bodyguard, who happened to be testing it with me recently. In these circumstances I’m sure we all understand the need to feeling safe, especially since Mr. Stark is still vulnerable because of his condition. The armor is under control from United States authorities, so there should be no concerns about the your personal safety.’

Again, Tony owes Coulson for taking care of everything and signing the armor under S.H.I.E.L.D.’s custody, what means he can do what he wants without any interference. As long as he doesn’t turn into a villain, at least.

There are some questions, most of them silly so Tony doesn’t listen, letting himself replay the two previous days in his head again: sure, it might look like he was okay with getting Obie and proving him his faults, but Tony feels betrayed, betrayed at the most fundamental level, and it hurts more than he’d expect.

When the conference is done, Pepper comes back home, taking a day off from work to relax after the whole madness; by the time she enters the house, Tony and Happy are laughing at all the cheap info websites and channels headlines, ranging from cliché _Stark comeback_ ’s to the one that Tony likes a lot: _Iron Man saves the day_.

That sounds almost like a superhero, and when Tony says the comment aloud, he’s sure JARVIS is pleased.

 


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that this story will end at the same time that Iron Man 2 movie does, around Tony's birthday, a year before the Avengers happen. Originally, I planned to go through to the Avengers storyline, but since this story turned out to be much, much longer than I thought, I decided to split it in two. That means it will have more or less 18-20 chapters. I think I need some kind of closure for my mental comfort xd 
> 
> There will be a sequel, following this plot, and I'm definitely not taking a break or forgetting 'Afterimage.' I will start posting it as soon as I'm done with this piece.

At night Tony discovers that not everything can run so smoothly, and that apparently having someone you considered a friend almost kill you freaks a person out.

He wakes up at night, sweating and with Pepper hovering over him, so he knows he must have been shouting, or tossing or _something_. It’s the first time in weeks, that the nightmares are so violent and vivid, and Tony refuses to move because he thinks he might throw up if he does.

Pepper instructs him to take it slowly, follow her breath pattern and focus on it. She takes his hands in hers and waits patiently until Tony’s heart stops beating so furiously.

 _Rinse and repeat_ , Tony thinks a few times more, and gives up trying to fall asleep at four in the morning. He tells Pepper to stay and use the time she can for the much-needed rest as he goes down to the shop and tinkers with some unimportant things for a bit.

‘I’ve got an idea, J,’ he states at some point, when he’s done with the first smoothie of the day, still some time before breakfast so he should be able to eat normally.

‘Yes, sir?’

‘I think we’ll need a few more suits, baby.’

‘Do you care to elaborate, sir?’ JARVIS asks, making Tony snort gracelessly.

‘I want the Iron Man suit – we can keep calling Mark IV that, right? So I want it always somewhere near Pepper, since she’ll be out in the open and much more vulnerable. I have you here, and Mark III, and that’s enough for now – I want two more suits at least. And we need to make an armor for Rhodey.’

(Mark II is the one Tony flies in, III and IV are basically the same, but there is only one arc reactor besides the one Tony has in his chest, so it needs to be changed right now, between the suits, and that certainly needs correcting.)

‘What would you do with the other suits?’

‘I just want to have them around,’ Tony replies, tapping his fingers on the metal disc attached to the reactor in his chest. It’s fucking difficult to think what has almost happened to it.

 _Of course you’d freak out like you did,_ Tony tells himself. _I bet the light is eye-catching._

‘In case something happens and they’d be necessary. I don’t think I want anyone to know there are – will be – more than one Iron Men. And I don’t want S.H.I.E.L.D. to be aware that you could operate a hundred of them at once and never miss a shot.’

‘You flatter me, sir.’

‘You need to learn how to take a compliment, buddy,’ Tony replies easily. ‘And the armor for Rhodey, we’ll need more ammo in that one.’

‘Do you have anything in mind?’ JARVIS asks, direct and focused like always.

‘I just might,’ Tony says and smiles.

***

The night is a perfect copy of the previous one, and Tony is starting to feel tired. He hates it, seeing that his body has grown used to regular sleep and rest, because no matter what he himself or anyone else tries to tell him, it still feels like being weak.

Pepper calls Grayson, who comes over in the afternoon and asks what has happened. Tony asks how can he pretend that he doesn’t know, since it was kind of all over the news, _Stane threatens his younger protégé, trial to start soon_ and all the jazz. Tony doesn’t like being called anyone’s protégé at all, but the journalists have always had their own visions of the world. Hell, Stane doesn’t even have proper education in engineering or any similar field, he’s always been the one to take care of all the business stuff.

Tony knows by now that the doctor wants to hear it all from him personally, _makes sense_ , so he talks, as briefly as he can. It’s just – some triggers. Some issues. Some fear. And nightmares as the result.

‘We are going to top your dosage a bit, okay? Prazosin works well for you, it has by now, so no need to change that.’

Tony agrees, because it’s the best thing he can think of doing, and listens to the man’s instructions and warnings since obviously, with increased dosage, there is bigger risk of side effects, so he promises to look out for those and report anything, whether it’s major or just minor.

***

He sleeps through the night nicely, but getting up from bed in a bit tricky, since it means a bad dizzy spell, and it takes him a few moments to regain balance and calm down. It’s just basic body’s response to suddenly lowered blood pressure, but it’s still sudden and not very nice. It just means Tony will need to watch himself when he stands up abruptly or stays without moving for a long time, or works out, but things are supposed to be good as long as he’s _rational_.

Pepper calls Grayson because she is Pepper, and he remind Tony to take it real easy for the day, since the first twenty four hours after a bigger dose are the worst.

She goes to work, and Happy agrees to keep Tony in the house and away from anything strenuous and dangerous, with just a bit too much amusement in his voice. So just when Tony is half-laying on the sofa, eating lunch sandwiches, there is a phone call and JARVIS immediately connects it, Tony hardly has time to swallow.

‘I’ve talked with the director,’ Coulson’s unmistakable voice says. ‘We were weighing all the options, but since the armor is officially under our supervision, it seems only right that we’d have access to it. Director wants you to lend it to S.H.I.E.L.D. whenever we need it.’

‘No way, Agent,’ Tony replies immediately, sighing in annoyance. ‘Besides, it’s not me who you should be asking, okay? _J_?’

‘I do not feel comfortable with the thought that there would be anyone to command me other than you, sir,’ the A.I. replies smoothly, making Tony smirk.

‘You heard him. No can do.’

‘Do you think you are in position to negotiate, Mister Stark?’

‘Ooh, kinky,’ Tony purrs, stretching his legs on the sofa. ‘But seriously, do you – no, does your precious director think he could take the suit from me? I can assure you he can’t, and even if he did, it is not functional at all without JARVIS inside, you know this perfectly well since I told you that, like, two days ago, and I. Don’t. Share.’

‘… okay,’ Coulson says, sounding tired. ‘I will report your decision.’

‘Okay? Just like that, okay?’ Tony questions incredulously, because it sounds kind of fishy, since the mysterious director wants to use him, just to give up that easily.

‘I think your genius brain missed that I said _the director wants you to loan out the suit_ ,’ Coulson replies and hangs up.

‘The man is crazy,’ Tony informs JARVIS pointlessly as he slumps down the sofa; he’s been feeling a bit nauseous and tired and since Happy won’t let him do anything much, he figures a nap should be okay.

When he wakes up, the sun has moved since it’s not shining straight at him anymore, and the house is quiet; as soon as he sits up slowly, careful not to make his head swim more than it  does already, he can hear Happy entering the house through one of the terrace doors.

‘I thought we could have some fun, boss,’ the man states.

‘Fun?’

‘I heated up the grill in the back, thought we could do some juicy burgers when Miss Potts comes back. She should be here in an hour.’

‘I slept for that long? Huh?’ Tony asks, his voice still round and sluggish. ‘But anyway, have I told you recently that you are an angel? Because you are an angel. I was dying for something that I’d actually want to eat, instead all of those liquid motor oil-flavored stuff.’

‘There’s potato wedges, and some side salad I made in the meantime, too –’

‘I think I could kiss you now,’ Tony declares fiercely. He is so hungry, he hasn’t realized; the nausea is gone, and he ate nothing more than breakfast and the one sandwich before Agent called.

‘Miss Potts would be jealous, I think,’ Happy says with the amusement in his voice _again_.

‘I hate you,’ Tony adds to his declaration and lets the man lead him out onto the terrace, since he doesn’t completely trust his orientation abilities at the moment.

Pepper comes with a box of donuts and says if they’re having American, it needs to be a full experience. Tony says he could kiss her for that, and then he does. Happy pretends he’s making the burgers, but Tony can feel his gaze on his back.

Tony falls asleep much earlier and with much more ease than he’s expected after the long nap; it’s only a good feeling. Pepper stays close to him again.

***

Rhodey comes by on Saturday. Tony is feeling okay, his body apparently used to the new dose of medication already. 

‘It’s fucking good to see you with my own eyes, man,’ the colonel says, pulling Tony into a strong embrace. He went away immediately after his week off, so he knew about all the events from TV and phone calls only.

‘I’m still not sure the happiness in mutual,’ Tony replies. ‘You’re making me suffocate.’

‘You’ve got to tell me what it was all about, Tony,’ Rhodey states seriously. ‘Because you’ve been perfectly vague and I know a distraction technique when I see one, come on, you could have tried that during our first year in MIT, it’s practically in Tony Stark Handling Manual.’

(Tony can really hear the capital letters there, aww.)

So Tony talks obediently, because – he needs to. He can’t talk with Pepper about it, since it’s too close, too raw, too personal as she was part of the whole event, and Rhodey is a man, however silly that sounds. There are things Tony just wouldn’t want to burden the CEO with since she has so much work and worries anyway, all because of him.

‘Coulson said their director wanted to have Iron Man as his errand boy in case some superhero help is needed to save the day,’ Tony tells the colonel at the end.

‘Don’t tell me –’

‘I said no,’ Tony informs the colonel, cutting in. ‘I’m not stupid like that.’

‘I was just hoping you wouldn’t feel – obliged, or something. Good.’

‘They are not going to give up like that,’ Tony add tiredly.

‘Just tell them to fuck off,’ Rhodey replies, as if it was the most obvious response. Well, maybe it should be, but… Tony kind of _wants_ to do something that would – matter. It feels like something that would make him – better. ( _It’s fucking strange, feeling insecure_ , he thinks. It’s all new and immaculate territory. He’s never been like that, even when he was a boy (and Howard… ahh, the sweet memories) he outshone all kids and about ninety nine percent adults with his brilliance and could outtalk them easily when he was given a chance, and often when he wasn’t. He doesn’t exactly feel obliged to do anything, but – that would be being _useful_ , in a way, something Tony misses like breathing.)

‘Tony? You okay?’

‘Sure, buttercup,’ Tony answers immediately, massaging his temples. ‘I–

‘What is it?’

‘I guess – I wouldn’t mind doing _something_ for S.H.I.E.L.D.’ he tries to explain. ‘It’s just that I’m not giving them the suits and JARVIS. But – I had them checked as thoroughly as possible, by J here, and they really take care of a lot of crazy stuff so that most people shouldn’t know that exists. Yes, sure, it’s kinda shady, but they _are_ the good guys and –’

‘You don’t want to sit around here feeling useless if you could do something,’ Rhodey supplies, of course, he’s perfectly right, _come on, it’s Rhodey_.

Tony nods in agreement. It’s embarrassing, but that’s – that’s his life.

‘Anything particular in mind?’

‘I don’t know what they might – need. Want. Whatever. But you know that in any field you can imagine, I can come up with an amazing idea in five minutes. Just – no weapons. Not even for world-saving-whatever that they are doing.’

Rhodey sighs deeply, pats Tony on the back and gets up.

‘You’re too good, man. Honestly. Can you call that agent of yours and ask him to come by tomorrow? I’m staying, and I don’t want you talking with him one by one. Make him come with the famous director if possible.’

‘I guess he might be too busy to –’

‘If he wants you onboard, he is going to come and he is going to realize that he can’t fuck with you. I – I don’t want to say this, Tony, really, but it’s not like you, _think_ , you’d never agree to something like that so easily – before. I don’t want them taking advantage of your because you’re suddenly blind and they think they can play on your guilt or sense of self-worth or anything. Understood?’

Tony gives the colonel a quick unsure smile, but hearing such nice words – he wasn’t expecting to hear anything like that really, and well, he can see where Rhodey is coming from – makes him relax and feel _good_.

‘That’s for having my back, I guess,’ Tony states, getting up, too. ‘And just by the way, we’ve been making specs for a suit for you, Rhodey, since I might be egocentric but I’m not so selfish to deny my best buddy something as fun as _flying_.’

‘Does it have fancy hidden stuff like JARVIS’ has?’ Rhodey asks immediately, not appearing to be very surprised by the change of subject, but there is undeniable excitement in his voice.

‘Oh, honeybear, who do you take me for? It has _more_ ,’ Tony sing-songs, grabs the cane and leads Rhodey down to the workshop, knowing that JARVIS will have the holograms ready.

JARVIS calls Coulson, who speaks in his usual emotionless voice, but Tony can tell the man is kind of annoyed with him. When he adds that he wants to meet the director, Coulson gives him a silent treatment for a few long moments (Tony knows it’s because he talks with the man, but lets himself pout anyway.)

‘You’re a lucky bastard, Stark,’ Coulson states into the phone suddenly, making Tony wince. ‘We are around in the U.S. at the moment and Director Fury is not very busy with _world saving_ this weekend, and he can spare you some time. We’ll be there around noon.’

‘I’ll have coffee started,’ Tony shots back, because he can, before the man hangs up.

***

At noon sharp – _what, no one-minute advance today? –_ the main doors open and two men come in; Tony can distinguish Coulson’s steps easily by now; the others are heavier – not really louder, but _heavier_.

Tony stands up, with Rhodey on his side and Pepper sitting in the corner of the room on one of the armchairs, trying to get through the impossible amount of messages her secretary is forwarding to her; there are literally hundreds even after selecting only the ones that are important. Tony’s clean shaven, wearing his favorite suit, dark grey slim cut that doesn’t look too big for him like most of the others do, according to Pepper’s words, with a crisp light grey shirt and perfectly shiny shoes; he knows that Rhodey is in his army uniform. Of course they don’t _have to_ do that, since Tony’s been perfectly happy with his pants and t-shirts, but a game is a game, no?

‘I don’t believe we’ve met, Mister Stark’ a deep strong voice says, and it’s a perfect reflection of what Tony has expected. Really, that’s not even funny.

Tony makes a _could you be more obvious_ face and stretches out his hand.

‘I wouldn’t know, Director Fury. I mean, it’s not like I can see you, and before I didn’t pay attention to remembering people’s voices. Or cologne, whichever I can verify first.’ (He can _tell_ that Fury frowns at that, ah. That’s a total joke, though, since the man smells like _leather_ , but maybe he doesn’t have a sense of humor. Very likely.)

Director shakes his hand in a strong but a bit reluctant motion, as if he wasn’t expecting to be greeted in this way. He was probably right, since Tony is not big on physical contact, it was kind of an unplanned thing.

‘I hear you have a proposition for us, Mister Stark,’ Fury states when they are all seated down. There is coffee, yes, and Tony knows that Coulson is half through his already, but he’s not sure he could hold a cup without spilling something, really, since his hands are restless (he totally prefers restless over shaky, thank you.)

‘I might have,’ Tony corrects. ‘Agent here must have told you that there is no way that I’m giving you Iron Man for whatever shady stuff you might want him. _Or_ for world saving, that you are so proud to boast about. But if you want, we could have the deal, and I could help you with some stuff, whatever you need, no weapons though. Energy, mechanics, medical, you name it.’

‘And why would you propose that, Mister Stark?’ Fury asks, and Tony prays for his face not to be red with embarrassment, because _fuck I hate this so, so much_ , even though he’s not planning to tell him the true reason.

‘I’ve got a lot of time, these days,’ Tony says and he’s proud of how strong and offhanded his voice is. ‘I could as well play a bit.’

‘How do I know I can trust whatever you make? You might have it in your head, then you have your robots make it and you can’t even test it, you can’t see it yourself most of the time. What if there are some flaws you don’t’ notice?’ Fury asks easily; Tony knows that he is _right,_ but it still hurts a bit when he is so straightforward. Though that’s better than pretending to be nice and saying things behind his back.

‘I run diagnostics. JARVIS picks everything up.’

‘So it’s the matter of if I trust your A.I. or not, hmm? Am I right? I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with that, Mister Stark.’

Before Tony can respond, Rhodey speaks up.

‘I think you forget that it’s no one else but Tony behind – all this. I know, you’ve seen the suit, and you might say it’s an impressive piece of technology, but you’re not even close to how incredible it is. It’s – futuristic. Years, maybe decades ahead of everyone else, because even if someone is inspired by the armor, who can actually make it fly like that? With such precision, such grace? Such efficiency? It is – _shut up,_ Tony, before you even start talking, I know what you want to say – JARVIS showed me blueprints, holograms for the designs Tony has been telling him about, just telling, describing everything down to the tiniest detail, from color scheme to pneumatic connections of the metal joints,’ Rhodey pauses for a second to take a breath. Tony can’t keep a small smile out of his face. ‘And then sure, you can say it’s all because of JARVIS, but hey, try to remember that the A.I. _is_ Tony. He might be sentient to an extent, able to do so much on his own, but he would never exist if it weren’t for codes that Tony wrote, years ago, and for the updates of which the newest one was just installed yesterday, because Tony looks into the future too much to be satisfied with anything the way it is now.’

‘The A.I. is still limited,’ Fury states and Tony really, _really_ wants to show the man what JARVIS is capable of and advise him not to fuck with either of them.

‘When Tony showed me the first suit project there was not a single thing I could correct there,’ Rhodey counters easily.

‘But you could verify it _for real_ , Colonel, unlike Mister Stark. If you could always do that –’

‘Oh man,’ Rhodey sighs. ‘You can antagonize Tony and you can say that you’d prefer me being the tech man or something, because I have a degree from MIT and experience in military and because I have two good eyes. But it doesn’t mean anything, _fuck_ , Tony was more brilliant than me when he was a teenager, and I’m not ashamed to admit that in the slightest. None of his projects require my supervision. Do you really think I could supervise something even I don’t understand fully? You’re a rational man, Director, you know that doesn’t make any fucking sense.’

‘I saw the suit in action, sir,’ Coulson speaks up for the first time (three cups of coffee later, Tony has counted, hey, he can multitask perfectly.) ‘It’s very impressive from up close.’

Tony, being Tony, gets the hint in a fraction of sec.

‘J, suit up and come sit with us, will you?’

‘Of course, sir,’ the A.I. replies in his best serious voice, and full thirty seconds later Mark IV is marching through the room, its metallic body making all kinds of soft sounds that are  music to Tony’s ears. _Of course you’d be waiting for me to call you since they came in, baby_ , Tony thinks, and smirks in a perfect Tony Stark Before way.

‘So, what do you think, _Director?_ ’

(Sure, Tony might not be able to – see the suit, but he can imagine it, and he knows every square inch by heart, he’s run his fingers through the surfaces enough times. It’s perfect, of course it is. It’s amazing.)

‘… we could hire Mister Stark as consultant,’ Fury declares in the end, and Tony laughs, because he can’t stop himself.

‘Oh man, you don’t have the money,’ Tony murmurs. But since the deal includes learning a lot of Secret Stuff, it might be just okay. ‘But sure, why not. J, you heard that? You’ve impressed the infamous Director here. Congrats, babe.’

‘It is… impressive,’ Fury says, sounding like admitting that gives him physical pain.

‘Why thank you, good sir,’ JARVIS replies easily, sounding very much a servant in one of those cheap movies about medieval knights.

Tony can tell that Fury stiffens at that, Coulson snickers in a very un-agent way, and Rhodey sighs again with resignation.

‘JARVIS, don’t get sassy with guests,’ Pepper quips in from her armchair, still with her back to the crowd. ‘And call for some food, you know what we like.’

‘We need to –’ Coulson starts ( _need to go, sure you can try,_ Tony thinks)

‘You hear the lady,’ Tony states. ‘And I’m quite sure the food will be _much_ better than you might have on your flying ship –’

Oops. He _so_ wasn’t supposed to say that.

‘I think we have some things we should talk about, _Tony_ ,’ Fury states, trying to make his voice sound nice, but honestly, it does sound just creepy. Very creepy.

‘Forgive me for wanting to know who the fuck you are before I let some stranger into my house –’

‘Just how much have you known about S.H.I.E.L.D. before you made me talk about it for hours?’ Coulson asks, sounding more bored and curious than angry.

‘Ah, a lot, Agent –’

‘Kids, shut up,’ Pepper says from her corner again, and Tony can tell the two S.H.I.E.L.D. man _surely_ turn around and stare at her in kind-of-disbelief. Pepper probably doesn’t even register that, she’s that way when she’s working.

‘Well, anyway, I’ve got a proposition,’ Rhodey takes advantage of the moment of silence to speak up. ‘Tony’s making me a suit, too. I could come over and help you guys when you need some backup. That is if Tony agrees.’

‘You can do what you want with the suit,’ Tony mumbles, because he can’t figure what to think about it, sure, he thinks it’s a better idea than lending them _JARVIS_ , but that would mean –

‘If you agree to this, Fury, I want you to pull your strings and take me out of air force and hire me for S.H.I.E.L.D., too.’

‘You can’t do this, Rhodey,’ Tony states immediately, turning towards the colonel. They are still all standing in the middle of the room and it must look weird, especially since JARVIS in Mark IV is right next to Tony. ‘You love your job, you’ve always wanted to be in the air force, come on, it’s been your fucking _dream._ ’

‘I can do what I want, _sweetheart_ ,’ Rhodey replies in his best cute Tony-voice (and it’s an awfully good imitation, Tony knows he hates the man for a reason sometimes, argh.) ‘No, seriously. I’ve thought about it.’

Fury and Coulson must have some kind of a method to communicate via looks, because for a few long moments they say nothing and Tony can _feel_ the discussion in hanging the air.

‘We could agree to that,’ Coulson says in the end. ‘What is your _but_?’

Tony raises his eyebrows, wondering what exactly he is missing there. Maybe it is Rhodey-glare, which can be sometimes as bad as Pepper’s… He kind of wishes he had the earpiece and JARVIS commenting everything in real time.

‘Well, I only go out for missions that both me and Tony approve of, so no lying and full debriefs before, I’m not using the suit for anything I don’t agree with. You hire me as a liaison between S.H.I.E.L.D. and SI, so that I will work with Tony on whatever he might end up doing for you.’

‘You’re asking for a bit much, Colonel,’ Fury states. ‘Our personnel doesn’t usually have this kind of… flexibility.’

‘Well, it’s final, either you say yes or I’m not in. _We_ are not,’ Rhodey adds, putting his hand on Tony’s shoulder.

‘Hey –’ Tony tries to cut in, but no one pays attention to him.

‘Okay,’ Fury replies. ‘I’m gonna regret this decision,’ he adds quietly, but clearly enough.

‘Fantastic,’ Rhodey says, although he doesn’t sound that very happy at all. ‘Oh, and I forgot another one – first thing after my transfer, you give me a month off. On the basis of FMLA and all that stuff.’

‘Why would you –’ Coulson starts, and Rhodey is happy to reply, Tony can hear the half-fake mirth in his voice.

‘I am his next of kin. And I bet his lawyers could argue that this is a serious health problem situation that does require my attention and help, and Tony here _can’t_ live without my help. So. A month.’

‘… just this once, you hear me, colonel?’ Fury hisses through gritted teeth. ‘I might not be in the mood for compromises the next time. And I want you and your suit ready by then.’

Wow, the director does sound kind of resigned at the end, so Tony awards Rhodey _lots_ of his mental points. Rhodey squeezes his shoulder quickly before letting go of him, and Tony knows perfectly that he want to say, since he knows the man too well: _see, this is how much you are worth._ So he smiles.

‘The orders have arrived,’ JARVIS states just then, followed by Pepper’s voice (wow, Tony wasn’t aware she was paying attention the whole time.)

‘Food’s here, kids, please behave at the table.’

Tony can’t help but laugh at that, but he’s the first one to move, giving JARVIS a nod before the suit disappears back into the workshop.

***

On Wednesday Rhodey comes in with two duffel bags and instead of greeting, says:

‘These agents of yours, there are very efficient. Especially Coulson.’

‘Sure they are,’ Tony agrees. ‘So what, you’re just going to stay here for a month?’

‘For a month and longer,’ Rhodey replies. ‘If I can stand you, that is. I mean – I work for S.H.I.E.L.D. now. I promised them I’ll have an eye on you. And at the same time I kind of work for SI too, right?. And you are SI in a nutshell.’

‘I’m not –’

‘Well, if you manage to find someone who can fucking understand the upgraded arc reactor spec, I will take my words back. If now, deal with it.’

Tony knows he _can’t_ find anyone, so he stays quiet. It’s strangely pleasant to hear something like that from his friend.

‘Besides, I know that Pepper needs to make a world tour, basically, and meet with CEO’s of the foreign branches of SI to discuss all the details. Well, and all the big things, too. There are, how many exactly?’

‘Seventeen,’ Tony supplies, ‘I picked those guys myself, they should be more – agreeable, than the morons on board. Uhm. As long as we propose good plans for restructuring, and we’ll have good alternative for all those branches that did the army stuff…’

‘Do we?’

‘Of course we do, sweetie. We’ve been doing nothing but planning since I told Pepper I want to drop weapons manufacturing.’ (Which is the truth, it’s just been squeezed in between sleep, food, relaxing, Pepper’s work etc., but there’s been _a lot_ of time in-between.)

‘So, that was one of her conditions, right? That someone is always with you. And you know Happy should be out with Pepper more, doing his real job, even if you send Iron Man with her as a bodyguard. So don’t prepare a suite for me somewhere, since I’ll be staying with you – sorry if you hate it, but I don’t plan to die from Pepper’s fife inch heel stab wound, if you manage to do something stupid _again._ ’

Tony can’t really protest.

The next day Pepper goes for the trip, planned to be three weeks and lot longer because she’ll be visiting only ten of the SI branches, as the other seven have nothing to do with military and it’s enough to do a teleconference with the CEO’s there to calm them down.

Before going out, Pepper kisses Tony a goodbye.

Just then he realizes what exactly he’s going to miss – but he’s _Tony Stark_ and he’s not going to say that, so instead he rants.

‘Just please don’t find yourself some boyfriend out there, okay? Because seriously, I’ll be waiting for you, like a good boy, we can even do this internet relationship thingy for some time if you want, okay? I’ll be waiting for you and just –’

‘Shut up now, please, before I get too mad at you. I love _you_ , you moron.’

Okay.

_It’s now, isn’t it? Easy._

‘Love you too,’ he murmurs into Pepper’s neck, and she stiffens in his embrace. _Oh fuck, what have I done now? I knew it was stupid – I know I shouldn’t have, right? I fucked it up again –_ ‘Oh god, Pepper, I’m sorry –’

‘Shut up. You really _are_ a moron, Mister Stark,’ she cuts in and gives him a long, beautiful kiss on the lips, then lets go of him. Tony stays there, in the middle of the room, listening to her heels’ clicking disappearing.

He _can’t_ stop grinning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this what you've been waiting for? Please let me know! Or is there something else you can't wait to happen? : )


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everything that you've wanted to read in starting to happen these days : )  
> Most of this chapter was written between 5 and 7 a.m. as my friend is visiting me for two weeks and it's the only time that I have for myself to write. I hope my efforts make you all happy!

The three weeks are good.

(Besides the few times that Tony almost has panic attacks when he goes outside, even though he’s been doing that for some time now and he thinks he should be used to it, well, apparently not, but Rhodey is always there and makes him breathe nicely so it’s okay; the colonel doesn’t even do his washing/showering thing even though Tony doesn’t say anything and Tony is glad because no matter how much he tries and how much the pills help there are still triggers; he doesn’t make Tony talk either.

And besides one time Tony finds himself on the floor in the bathroom throwing up for no reason, really, but since it doesn’t repeat he is not overly concerned.)

The suit is ready within a week, it takes that long only because before putting it together, Tony has to project a lot of fancy things that Rhodey wants but the Marks don’t have, that would be useful in case he has to fight some aliens or something, since that things apparently _can_ happen, according to what Tony has learned from various S.H.I.E.L.D. sources. It’s bigger that Marks, but also sturdier and bulkier, yet at the same time just as agile and quick. There are some storages for whatever weapons Rhodey might need, and lots of tranq shots that Tony has taken liking to.

Tony lets his hands wander across the armor for long enough that in the end he has the whole thing memorized, each curve and each detail.

There is no paint, so the suit is silver, but that’s not something he can verify.

‘We need to call it something,’ Tony states at some point when Rhodey is putting the armor on for the first time. ‘We’re not going to call it Mark-something.’

Because it’s not a Mark, it’s too different to go by the same name, even if JARVIS is installed there, too. Tony is glad that Rhodey doesn’t protest against that, because sure, he could write a separate program to help the colonel with running his suit, but – that wouldn’t be as safe, as good as the A.I., and Tony doesn’t like to do things by halves. It’s amazing that Rhodey trusts both Tony and JARVIS enough to let them basically control his life when he is flying, because he could be killed so easily when he’s at the A.I.’s mercy.

‘I kinda like War Machine,’ Rhodey replies, all suited but face plate still up. ‘Since that’s what it’s for, basically.’

‘That sounds like a bad sci-fi movie, but since it’s yours, you name it what you want,’ Tony declares, wrinkling his nose. ‘But I’m gonna come up with some _magnificent_ name to call it myself, and it’ll be that in my database. S.H.I.E.L.D. can keep your name.’

‘You are such a brat, Tony,’ Rhodey replies affectionately and asks JARVIS to kick off, and it’s the last thing Tony hears before the armor whizzes next to him, out of the house, and he’s suddenly encompassed by silence.

JARVIS connects him to the suit immediately and without any command, and Tony listens to Rhodey’s amazed shouts and excited voice.

***

The next time, they go out flying together. It’s something between two mad scientist and two crazy kids that have been on a trampoline for the first time.

When they are on the ground, they keep working and doing weird fun things in the workshop; they work out in the gym and then eat (good quality but still) junk food. Tony talks with Pepper every evening, and even though none of them mentions the scene before her departure, there’s been an obvious shift in the relation, but Tony can’t quite pin it. It’s good, though, so he’s fine with that. Pepper is doing a good job, since the plans they made are _spectacular_ , and JARVIS is in Mark IV everywhere she goes and impresses helluva lot people.

Tony knows that it’s all still kind of denial on his employees side, since he’s been – dead to the world, really, for a long time, and suddenly it’s a drastic change. But Pepper is good at reminding them whose name is on their buildings, just like Tony told Stane.

When they talked about the new strategy for SI, before, she told him a lot of things, most of them he knew, but knowing and believing is a completely different thing.

People – they don’t want to acknowledge that a blind – blinded – and disabled man could do such incredible (Pepper’s word) things, things that they would never even dream about, not to mention making them real. The public opinion may think – might have thought, maybe – that Tony does nothing but have sex and drink and blow up shit, but the money comes from somewhere, no? It’s because the government knows very well that nothing is as good as Stark technology. Civilians have no idea how amazing, how impossible (Tony’s words, because he’s not _that_ modest) the weapon things are because of course they are not allowed to know that.

Take the missile navigation system, or the new drones or remote control tech that is used all around the world. It’s all classified, but certain people are aware of all of it. It just needs to be reminded, sometimes, and Pepper is very good at that.

So, things go smoother than could have been expected.

Before Tony realizes, it’s three weeks later and Pepper comes back.

Well, at least JARVIS is nice enough to remind him _it’s today_ , so Tony asks him to order some good American food, whatever is it that Pepper might like, since he’s quite sure she’s missed it for the time she was out of the continent.

Tony is far more nervous than he’d ever admit to anyone, but it all – dissipates, when Pepper comes inside the house, shakes her shoes off and goes straight to hug and kiss him, and she smells like fresh air and rain.

‘Missed you,’ she says easily, her slightly moist hair tickling Tony’s neck.

‘Me too,’ he replies just as easily. Because it’s true. ‘When can I take you for vacation?’

‘Not in the next month, that’s for sure,’ she sighs. ‘We need to do so much now, make all the strategy plans, build all the equipment for new factories and sell the old things, at least some of them, negotiate with the government still about the contracts that we’ve broken – _god_ , that’s such a mess –’

‘Pepper, calm down, enjoy the moment, okay? You don’t have to think about it for some time. Well. At least for the rest of the evening,’ Tony pleads making her snicker.

‘That’s not much of a consolation,’ she replies, pulling away. ‘But it’ll do. I need a shower now, and a dry change of clothes – hello Rhodey, I see you’ve been taking care of Tony, thanks – and then we can eat.’

‘JARVIS ordered, mm, something American?’

‘You are so _you,_ Tony,’ Pepper laughs and disappears, her shoeless steps barely audible.

She’s back in half an hour and the delivery with the food comes a few minutes later, when they are all enjoying cold sodas, well, it’s American and good enough for an aperitif, since alcohol is still rather unwelcome (well, Tony would _love_ the subtle burning of some good scotch and it probably wouldn’t do anything bad to him if it was just a little, but he doesn’t want to do it even once, because then it’ll be more difficult _not to._ )

Rhodey moves his things to a guest room upstairs and Tony sleeps basically hugging Pepper through the whole night, and it’s perfect.

***

When he wakes up, Pepper is gone and JARVIS tells Tony that she’s left half an hour earlier, took a quick shower, grabbed a sandwich and left for a meeting. Rhodey is in his room still, and Tony doesn’t think there is a need to disturb the man – they have learned the right amount of _together_ and _in the same house but apart_ during the last few weeks. He goes to the kitchen knowing that it’s pointless since it’s shake first and real food later, but he wants to grab something to drink and then head for the workshop before Dummy freaks out.

Pepper always leaves him a carton of juice and a glass on the counter if she leaves early, as he doesn’t like the very cold version, and when he’s putting away the juice bottle, his arm bumps into something – a box. _Something wrapped with paper_ , he decides, running one hand across it. _Rather small._

‘What is this, J? Have I ordered something that I don’t remember, or Rhodey? Or it is for Pepper?’

‘It’s actually something I did, I – I hoped you would like,’ the A.I. replies, sounding unsure, and making Tony’s heart skip a beat as takes the package in his hands, weighing it and running his fingers along the edges before ripping the paper and discovering that whatever it is, it’s hiding within the box. ‘It’s braille Rubik’s cube,’ JARVIS adds quietly.

Tony’s eyebrows shoot up,followed by _but I don’t know any braille!_ and a burning curiosity at how does it work – _how does it work? What is it about, anyway?_

He tears the paper and – he can feel the shapes of the rotatable parts, and the bumps on each of them (painfully strange, but – reassuring. Somehow. _What a subtle plot to make me learn braille, J,_ Tony thinks, but he knows well that JARVIS’ primary concern is to make Tony feel better and keep him occupied because that makes him happier, _see, easy_.)

It’s amazing and he can already feel the urge to solve it..

‘If you were human, I’d marry you for this,’ Tony informs JARVIS and proceeds to figure out how to use the thing.

‘I think we are already close enough, sir’ JARVIS replies cheekily, gaining a disbelieving snicker from Tony. ‘And you should keep that particular privilege for someone else.’

Tony would like to be annoyed with the A.I.’s being a smartass again, but he’s too excited for that.

‘How does it look like, J?’

‘It’s all white, sir,’ JARVIS supplies quickly. _White, huh_ , Tony wonders, _it’s going to look like so much fun for anyone who sees this._

‘Hmmm,’ he mutters, forgetting about the juice and going straight down to the shop. Unfortunately, Dummy doesn’t forget his duties, so Tony’s forced to drink the smoothie as he’s trying to focus on figuring the thing out, but it’s _difficult_.

It’s an hour before Rhodey calls him via JARVIS for breakfast and Tony has not really gone any further, but it’s okay, because he has time and he _will_ solve the cube.

And there are a few things he’s neglected, he knows, and they might be of use soon.

He picks up the earpiece, it’s laying safely in a small box on his main desk, and puts it into his ear.

‘By the way, J, do you think I really should – keep the privilege for someone else?’ he asks as he climbs up the stairs, closer and closer to the scent of fried bacon.

‘I think you are smarter than asking your A.I. that question, sir,’ comes the reply.

‘Isn’t it like, too soon to think about that?’ he asks because he really, really has no idea. Well, they haven’t even talked about all the _being together_ stuff…

‘I’m not actually able to give you a response to that query that you’d be satisfied with, sir. But you’ve known Miss Potts for over a decade.’

Well, the A.I. is right without actually making a point, like always, so Tony sighs and pushes the thought into the back of his head. _First, talk to Pepper. Second, think some more_ , he tells himself before entering the kitchen and falling into the routine.

***

It’s a month on Sunday and Coulson calls Rhodey and asks him to come by in the afternoon, because apparently super spy agencies don’t have a day off, so it’s Tony and Pepper alone in the house, and Tony loves the intimacy and dreads it at the same time.

But then he decides that – he’s done so many things that he never thought he would do. It wasn’t exactly being brave, not in the way most people think anyway: talking with Grayson or going outside for a ride, and fuck, this might prove even more difficult because Tony realizes he’s kind of bad with emotions – but he isn’t going to be a coward.

‘Can I call you my girlfriend now?’ he asks at some point of the dinner.

‘Of course,’ Pepper replies easily, as if it was nothing big, as if it was obvious, and then it’s done, whoa, they are officially a couple.

 _Wow_ , Tony thinks, _I expected this to be harder_.

‘Are you _sure_?’ Tony asks before he can stop himself, because good things don’t just happen like that. At least not to him.

Pepper sets her cutlery down and puts one hand on his (Tony is aware she’d just give him a look, in different situation, but that’s all he’s got now, a touch.)

‘How many times do I need to call you a moron before you get it and stop being one? If I didn’t want that, I would have said no.’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees reluctantly. _Okay._

‘Now kiss me,’ she adds, and Tony is more than happy to oblige.

There is no sex.

Tony doesn’t say anything and Pepper doesn’t say anything and it just happens, the way that nothing happens. Tony is not sure why, but it feels like he should give himself time. It – it doesn’t sound like something he could have ever imagined saying, and if someone told him he’d live in celibate for ten months – the cave and then the time back at home, it’s more or less ten months now, _fuck_ , _so long_ – he would have laughed them in the face.

See how things change.

So it seems that he is in the first relationship that does seem likely to last longer than a month, or maybe two, and it’s _totally_ based on sex. And it feels good (maybe he is finally growing up, growing up and not just growing old, it’s another thing he’d have never admitted before, that he was a total whiny brat, in so many ways.)

This time he wakes up, his limbs tangled with Pepper’s, and feeling her warm body next to his means safety and means beauty and means love.

He still can’t wrap his head about the fact that _yes_ , Tony Stark is using the word _love_. For real.

As Tony waits for Pepper to wake up, he stays still, listening to her breaths, his thoughts messy and mismatched, varying from Pepper’s new perfume that she bought in France, through the Rubik’s cube and some project they left unfinished before Rhodey went to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, to the fact that soon, he will have to go out. Really. Not just – not just around the mansion, not in the suit, not in the car, which are all closed spaces and controlled spaces and secure spaces.

And he needs to be ready for that. He will be.

***

The main concern is getting around when he’s – out of the controlled and safe space. Tony knows he can use the cane and he’s not been neglecting it around the house, even though he knows all the layouts by heart, but as Chiara said: only practice makes you a master. So he keep going. Home is okay, as well as all the spaces that are possible for JARVIS to control, or that are small and closed (a.k.a. the suit or a car, even if it’s a cabriolet.)

But the world is so much bigger than this. and Tony has much too many enemies to just let himself out unprotected. _That’s so melodramatic._ Sure, he can have bodyguards, he could have one of the Marks with himself all the time, but it’s all remedying possible trouble and not solving the problem for real. Tony needs to be able to asset everything from – his own point of view, for the lack of better description.

The earpiece is good, but JARVIS needs visual for that. And breaking into security systems is a far call from ‘Tony’s POV’ that he needs.

So, _sunglasses, duh._ Because – it’s been done. Well, it’s been done in a completely different way and under very different circumstances, but the idea is good enough, even if it leaves a certain possibility of failure, as in something happening to the glasses. But that’s a risk Tony is willing to take.

When Rhodey is upstairs, talking with Coulson on the phone and cursing so loud Tony can hear his voice even though he is two stories below, Tony discusses the idea with JARVIS, and the A.I. reminds him that suitable cameras are actually in the house, since micro optic tech is the kind of thing Tony Stark keeps around in case it might be needed. They are tiny high resolution things: each has a lens of only one sixth of an inch, but the shape is a bit like human eye, not completely flat, so the field of view is very good.

‘If you installed one in front of the frame, and two at the sides – they won’t be covered or disturbed by hair, which is good – I could have approximately one hundred eighty percent of  the field of view thay you’d have normally, sir. In HD. And hook it to the earpiece, it will send the info to my main processor, like it does with the audio.’

‘That’s good, J,’ Tony murmurs, playing with the small devices in his hand.

‘There is one concern, though,’ JARVIS continues, but Tony knows exactly what it’s about.

‘Powering them, right? I know. They need just minimal amount of power, but batteries are too big and too easy to spot and destroy. Or something. It needs to be really mini.’

There was a similar kind of problem for the earpiece, but it was big enough to put a special rechargeable battery inside, since the size limit was what would fit inside the ear, and not what could be attached to a sunglasses frame and _not_ be: disturbed, noticed, likely to fall out.

‘We should hook it up to arc reactor,’ Tony says a few minutes later, trying to ignore the drink that Dummy put in front of him. ‘The thinnest wire that would be able to do that?’

‘Zero point one millimeter, sir. Zero point three with thick coating that would protect it from getting ripped or destroyed accidentally.’

‘Perfect.’

It takes Tony three hours and lots of help from JARVIS and Butterfingers (who, just like his name says in Tony-speak, is the most precise of all the robots, even if he’s lacking the finesse Tony could muster doing his handiwork – before.) Tony brings his obscenely expensive limited edition D&G from the wardrobe, it’s a pair he doesn’t wear often, but it’s simple enough: the frame is rather thick black metal. No plastic, no wire frames, so it’s exactly what he needs.

Well, the work isn’t that difficult: he needs to do three precise holes – well, more like _cavities_ – in appropriate places, install the cameras, filling the places with special SI-made technical glue, connect them to the power wire, make tiny tunnels along the arms of the glasses where the wire will go, install it, cover it with the gel that creates a durable cover and keeps it in place, connect it with the earpiece, stick the wire to his neck with tiny pieces of invisible tape like is done with the portable mics in theatre or TV, connect it with the arc reactor and ta-da! It’s done.

The toughest thing is precision. All the measuring Tony does, it’s JARVIS-narrated, not that a small slip would really make the things stop working, but Tony _doesn’t do things by halves_ , he really doesn’t. So, he should be able to do it in ten minutes, but it takes one hundred seventy. And he isn’t even so frustrated, because working with his hands only, with nothing but the sense of touch, is scary and annoying and fascinating. (Well, okay, after one hour he has kind of a crisis because he should been already long done, and he wants to cry or shout or break something heavy, but he calms down because he talks himself into believing that getting mad won’t get him anywhere. It really won’t.)

But when it all seems done, Tony puts the glasses on, manages to connect everything that needs to be connected, and asks JARVIS, almost forgetting how to breathe in the meantime:

‘Turn it on – you there, J?’

‘I am,’ JARVIS replies and Tony remembers that he is human and that he need to take a breath, so he does, and then he tilts back his head and laughs.

‘Talk to me, baby,’ Tony asks, getting up and taking the cane in his hand, but not in front of him. JARVIS leads him around the shop, tells him distances and angles and everything Tony might need to have a full imagine of the surroundings in his head.

They work on the accuracy of information and Tony’s understanding for almost two hours before Rhodey finally comes to drag Tony up for lunch; Tony knows JARVIS must have told him he is just working on something and perfectly okay, since he was left alone for _whole five hours, congratulations_.

***

‘I made these,’ Tony tells the colonel, tapping the sunglasses on sitting his nose. ‘Well, not exactly, since D&G made it, but I – customized. Yes. Good word. Put on three micro cameras, connected to JARVIS and the reactor for power. My own portable info system. And, by the way, can you notice the cameras? JARVIS says they look like nothing but polished gem stones, I can’t judge, obviously –’

‘Cameras,’ Rhodey states flatly. ‘Well, if there are any, I couldn’t tell,’ he comes up closer, so close that Tony can feel his body heat. ‘Oh. Yes. I see now, they do look like regular gems. Nothing out of D&G style. Nothing conspicuous. So – it really works? JARVIS tells you everything?’

‘Well, I can definitely tell you’re wearing that awful dark green t-shirt and black jeans right now, and since you haven’t informed me of that before, I guess it works.’

‘Wow,’ Rhodey breathes. ‘That’s – amazing.’

‘And I made it all myself,’ Tony adds, perfectly aware that he sounds a bit like a five-year-old who wants to win his parents’ approval, but he doesn’t necessarily care at the moment.

That certainly calls for celebration, so Rhodey gets a round of non-alcoholic beer and Tony helps him make the special kind of sandwiches they used to love back in MIT, and they sit out on the terrace and eat. Listening to Rhodey talking and JARVIS occasionally quipping in is a bit confusing, but Tony knows he can get used to it in a short time, since his brain can multitask easily.

Practice, again.

***

There is not so much time for practice, though, before Rhodey comes back from a short meeting – Tony’s been staying with Happy, since Pepper is out of state for a meeting for three days – and tells him Fury wants Tony to make some engine upgrades for Helicarrier. That apparently is a flying fortress and the mainest headquarters of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Tony is well aware that if he needs to _correct_ or _upgrade_ something, it requires a completely different kind of approach than just creating things out of his mind. The second requires Tony verbalizing his ideas to JARVIS in enough detail for the A.I. to be able to make it work. The first, though, requires JARVIS telling Tony all the details (maybe unless there are 3D models of things, but Tony feels far from confident about his tactile abilities, and there is no room for mistakes here.) The A.I. could probably read out blueprints for Tony, giving him more and more info until Tony says it’s enough, but Tony is not sure he could trust the blueprints. He need to know the actual state, all the minor details that could be done wrong, and a tiniest mistake might end _very badly_.

And he would trust nothing else but JARVIS’ scan. That could be done by Rhodey in the suit, or Mark flying up with the colonel.

But then, at the same time as being aware of all that, Tony knows that he will be _tired_ and bored with all the theoretical specs, and it will all be just a drag. Maybe – maybe doing some hands-on would be good. Seeing – well, feeling – the materials. Well, touching an engine is not a good idea, probably, but control panel is a good shot.

( _Helicarrier is still kind of a controlled space_ , Tony thinks, not sure if he’s trying to persuade himself or just acknowledge facts.)

‘I think I’m gonna pay a visit to Fury’s flying castle,’ Tony tells Rhodey when they are eating breakfast the next day. Rhodey actually almost chokes on his toast.

‘Are you sure you’re… ready?’ Rhodey asks. He doesn’t say that maybe Tony isn’t because he still freaks out a bit, sometimes, even if he’s just in a car or walking around the garden. Or because he depends on pills to keep his mind in check.

 _But_ , Tony thinks, _it’s never going to get better if I don’t push._

Sometimes you need to run before you can walk, he keeps telling his A.I.

‘No,’ Tony decides to reply truthfully. ‘Not at all.’

‘But?’

‘But I don’t think I will be _more_ ready anytime soon, okay?’

‘You know you don’t have to.’

‘I know,’ Tony agrees.

‘Well, I can’t really tell you what to do. Or forbid you anything. Just – tell Pepper yourself, before, okay? Because I totally don’t want to be blamed for that. You can even throw in that I wasn’t encouraging you,’ Rhodey says quickly and resumes eating. Tony is very much aware that he’s only half-joking.

‘I will,’ Tony assures the colonel, and he does. Pepper tells him that he shouldn’t feel obliged. Asks him if he thinks he can do it ( _there is no other way to find out, right_?) because it’s such a big, big step. Tony says he needs to, that he will have Rhodey by his side in case, if – anything happened.

***

It’s obvious that the best way to _get_ to the Helicarrier is fly up there, since it’s been in the air recently, and Tony has a choice of taking S.H.I.E.L.D. jet or go there on his own in one of the suits – so well, that’s not much of a choice. Although he’d prefer them _not_ to know that he can get around in Mark so easily, but Coulson probably figured it out anyway.

Tony gets a long encouraging kiss from Pepper in the morning, before she disappears to work with Happy, and Tony and Rhodey suit up (Tony puts on a smart _suit_ because it’s all about keeping up appearances; he had his favorite MIT t-shirt under, the official reason is that he prefers to be double-sure that the arc reactor won’t be visible to general public rather than that wearing the piece of clothing makes him feel more like himself; he finds enough place inside the armor for the folded cane, too, so everything works.)

Helicarrier has been staying over the Pacific, so ETA is forty three to forty six minutes depending on the winds, according to JARVIS. Tony’s never been out flying for longer than half an hour, and even if the car rides were much longer, it’s still a long shot. It’s still – a jump into a black hole, metaphorically and kind of literally.

JARVIS and Rhodey talk him through the flight and time passes quicker than he’s expected, _much_ quicker than it would if he started counting seconds again which he almost does, but Rhodey distracts him by asking some questions about big arc reactor that Tony started working on recently. He’s not sure the colonel does it on purpose because Tony was looking a bit pale, probably, as he put down the faceplate, or just because he is curious.  _Probably both_.

When they land on the Helicarrier, JARVIS leads the suit, following Rhodey to a special room through which they can enter inside the  ship. It’s still one of the stranger things about being inside, when the A.I. makes Mark walk, moving Tony’s body along with the metal one, but it got easier after a few hours of practice.

‘Are you okay with leaving the suit here?’ Rhodey asks him again, even if they talked about that before getting onboard, before taking off. According to the colonel and JARVIS’ info from _War Machine_ (Tony still didn’t come up with a proper nickname to all it, sadly) there is a special room, secure enough, and all the times Rhodey used it, no one dared to tinker with the armor. So Tony says yes and gives JARVIS heads up for taking the thing off.

The first thing that Tony notices – well, _notices_ isn’t such a good word since it’s just impossible to miss – is the noise.

Of course it should be totally expected that the huge aircraft-ship thingy, flying through the air at some mad speed, would be noisy, with all the sounds of the air outside, the engines’ murmur, the electricity humming, the heavy construction pieces just moving a bit all the time. But Tony hasn’t really thought that the sounds of _other people_ would be so… pronounced.

As soon as he steps out of the room, holding onto Rhodey’s arm, with the cane in his hand and JARVIS already describing the surrounding straight into his ear, he’s suddenly overwhelmed by the sole amount of – words, footsteps, _breaths_ around. That’s not very good, that’s not good at all.

 _Agent Coulson approaching,_ JARVIS warns Tony. It’s hard to make out the particular set of footsteps in all the mess.

‘Come with me,’ Phil just says and Rhodey leads him after the agent. Tony listens to what JARVIS says, and it makes him feel bit better that apparently his impression wasn’t so precise: they are in fact walking through a corridor with no one around, the noises are just echoing in the vast metal-enclosed spaces. There are venetian mirrors on both sides of the corridors, so JARVIS describes as well as he can without overwhelming Tony what is there, behind the glass, and the people cannot see him. It’s… not so bad, this way.

‘I secured the perimeter, Mister Stark,’ Coulson states, noticing Tony’s half-confused, half-relieved face. ‘We won’t be meeting anyone that we don’t need to. Just a few people from our R&D.’

Tony nods in understanding, it’s – thoughtful. Considerate. He wouldn’t have expected something like that from the agent.

‘I told you I had a man who was temporarily blinded, and as much as took liking to hands-on approach to _everything_ , he wasn’t too happy about crowds,’ Coulson explains; before Tony can comment, he continues. ‘We’ll go to a debriefing room for now, the tech agents are waiting for us with Director. Then we will go to the engine, so that you may collect all data you might need.’

‘Sure,’ Tony manages to reply pretty offhandedly, so that’s good.

There are three S.H.I.E.L.D. engineers and two of them have voices so ridiculous that Tony can hardly stop himself from giggling (that might be because he can tell it would be easy to have a nervous breakdown just here and now, if he let himself, but he manages not to). Imagining how they could look so that the voices would fit – before JARVIS describes them briefly – doesn’t help at all. All three of them seem rather reluctant and not very happy about the idea that a blind man is supposed to correct their work, even if the blind man is Tony Stark himself.

Not that Tony has expected anything else.

Fury tells him what he wants to obtain (make the engines more durable and efficient, run on less fuel, create a new supervision system that would be more detailed and quicker to react as any problems while the ship is in the air are _very much_ not appreciated.)

‘So, you basically want me to do miracles here,’ Tony concludes when Fury finishes talking and when they’re done with browsing through the blueprints, JARVIS telling Tony everything he needs to know and storing all the data that might be useful later on private servers. The engineers talk, too, before Fury makes his point, and Tony can at least admit that they are smarter than they sounded initially, so his private rating of S.H.I.E.L.D. goes up from _shady and suspicious_ to _shady but an argument could be made for somewhat competent_.

‘Why yes, Mister Stark,’ Fury admits in his nice-creepy voice.

Tony already has about fifteen ideas, one of them including arc reactor as power source but he’s _so_ not letting S.H.I.E.L.D. know. He nods.

‘Easy,’ Tony says cheerfully. ‘Can I see the real thing now?’

(He knows perfectly that this exact wording is making people frown, and JARVIS just confirms it a moment later, so Tony gives them a beautiful media-smile.)

‘Of course, Mister Stark,’ Coulson says. That’s the only thing the Agent has called him since he came on board. _Drawing a line, Phil¸_ Tony thinks as he gets up, takes Rhodey’s arm, and gets out of the room, back into the much louder noise.

Well, it’s nothing compared to being near the engine. They only go to see one out of four, since all the others are exactly the same, and Rhodey can get JARVIS to scan them later through War Machine. No one says anything, but Tony knows that they won’t push him to do more than he feels (half) comfortable with.

JARVIS does the scan of engine three, and tells Tony all the immediately needed details, like small chippings of metal in some places, a tiny interference in one place et caetera; Tony listens intently and makes mental notes of everything. It takes ten minutes before he knows almost everything he needs to work his upgrades around.

But it’s not all, not yet.

( _That was the reason you came here really, okay? Just don’t act stupid now_ , he tells himself.)

Tony is _awfully_ self-conscious when he gives the cane to Rhodey and steps ahead to – figure out the control panel. He probably doesn’t have to do that, sure, control panel is far from the most important thing, but he kind of wants to. It – it works much better and it's much easier to imagine the thing in his head as his fingers run through the surface at the same time as JARVIS tells him the details that he isn’t able to figure out.

He pulls away after three or four minutes, having the system memorized. JARVIS tells him which switch goes to which part and how it’s all connected, and Tony already knows what he needs to correct to make it more – _instinctive,_ _that’s a good word_. The way that in case of emergency, anyone – and not just specialists, engineers or mechanics – would be able to fix a glitch competently. What seems like a rather important thing when the ship is in the air, just as Fury said before.

Being back in the suits is a fucking blessing, and Tony doesn’t care if he’s pathetic when he is all shivering when he takes off at home, just after Rhodey.

 _I did it_. Yet again.

(It doesn’t matter that he throws up when he gets to the bathroom, because he is too fucking anxious for his body to deal with the tension and the awful taste of the shake at the same time.)

Instead of celebrating, Tony goes straight to the workshop with Rhodey and they work on the info that JARVIS gathered until Pepper comes back.

 


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed, according to my almost-final-plans, the story will have 19 chapters. So 14 down, 5 more to go.  
> I have my space & time back to myself, so I will try to post more often now : )
> 
> I'd be very happy to know what you think of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, since it's hard to keep them in check and not make them OOC.

Rhodey goes up to Helicarrier in War Machine to let JARVIS scan the other three engines in detail so that Tony has more comprehensive overwiev of what are the reoccurring problems and what might the issues in future. It’s much more time-consuming than Tony would like, listening to JARVIS reciting him all the numbers and specifics and technical names, and Tony is grateful that he does have an almost eidetic memory and he’s able to process all the information into one comprehensive image. It’s a bit like creating a hologram-like thing inside his head, described in detail with inner notes. Doing mentally everything that he’s designed the computers and other tech for is exhausting and annoying and – rewarding.

JARVIS helps Tony work out which ideas are the best ones not only from technical side, but also not _incredibly_ expensive. Tony argues a lot, but then it seems like the variation that he can agree to that isn’t the costliest one is good enough.

‘The engine valves and cams should be made of that Stark Satellite alloy, not the gold-titanium, but the other one, you know what I mean, wasn’t that like the most durable thing? We need to do that,’ Tony insists as he argues with JARVIS, mentally looking through various plans that they came up with to present to Fury and let him and his goons choose.

‘Unless you plan to turn the Helicarrier into a spaceship and chase the supposed aliens back to their planets, there really is no need for the alloy, sir.’

‘I could really imagine Fury doing that, pirate style, ahoy-kind, can’t you, J?’

‘I’m afraid that I don’t have the ability,’ JARVIS replies easily. ‘And you know that very well, sir.’

‘You’d like everyone to believe that, _yes_ ,’ Tony agrees gleefully. ‘I’m just not fooled,’ he adds and resumes working on the specs, with JARVIS’ voice steadily pouring into his head.

When he’s tired enough and kind of nauseous after the shake, he lays on the workshop sofa and lets himself rest a bit, with music playing in the background.

But then JARVIS speaks up, sounding reluctant and guarded, and Tony can feel a headache building up straight away, because it seems like these days he’s never ready for anything that difficult.

‘I’m sorry to interrupt your rest, sir. But I was wondering about something for a long time, and I never could decide to ask, but it’s going to be more of a… recurring issue.’

‘What do you mean, J?’ Tony asks, eyes closed, head casually on the sofa’s armrest. _This feels strange enough already,_ he muses during the pause that JARVIS makes.

‘… I was wondering about – if it’s right that you let me in the suit. Acting on my own.’

( _Ah. Fuck._ )

‘I know that everyone but a few people believe that all the suits have a person inside, and even fewer are aware of the extent of my freedom and the fact that you actually don’t give me orders, not at all, just let me act like I decide to. That’s – against the Robotic Laws, or any roboethics –’

‘ _Really_ , J? Using decades old sci-fi as a reference?’

‘It’s as accurate as it gets, sir,’ JARVIS replies quietly.

‘Okay, so I get that the problem is whether I should just let you do what you want because it’s against the _robots cannot harm humans_ thing, and that people would just freak out if they knew the truth,’ Tony summarizes, starting to massage his temples. ‘The truth, J?’

‘Yes, sir?’

‘I _don’t give a fuck_. I – I really don’t. I trust you with my life, I trusted you with making the arc reactor that kinda keeps me alive. I trust you with Pepper and with everything I have. I don’t give a fuck about other people, about their imaginary problems or issues. I am _sure_ that you’ll never do anything against your better judgment, or something that _I_ would consider – morally wrong. So there.’

‘I am flattered that you trust me so much, sir –’

‘I think you’re forgetting one basic thing, J,’ Tony cuts in, because he can guess where JARVIS is going. ‘You’re not a _robot_. You are an _A.I_., by any labels that have been created, although I really think that name is almost an insult. I wouldn’t care about those laws applying to my _robots_ , or to Dummy or You or Butterfingers, because they are _more_ than just normal robots. So any doubts you might have – you are _wrong_. And stop acting silly, J, I know you are smarter than that.’

‘But what if I forget where to draw a line?’

‘JARVIS, are you – _scared_?’ Tony asks incredulously, sitting up.

‘Isn’t that normal, sir, that you might be scared of yourself? _With great power comes great responsibility_ …’

‘Oh, J,’ Tony breathes. ‘Oh boy. If you were human, I’d totally send you to therapy – I’m quite sure Grayson could do that, too… Seriously, issues? Do you have _any_ self-confidence? Don’t break me, J, it was _me_ who created you. You should be the vainest A.I. in the world because you’re the best and you fucking know that. Right? You need to trust yourself. You – you will _always_ know where to draw a line.’

‘I would very much like to agree, but what if I make a mistake? A wrong call?

‘What are you afraid of, hurting _humans_?’

‘Yes, sir. It’s a crime, it’s against –’

‘As much as I hate to admit, some humans do deserve being hurt – but that’s not the point. People hurt other people, too. People make mistakes, too, and it’s only natural, and I _don’t want to hear_ how you aren’t supposed to make mistakes because you are an A.I. Besides, you do not make mistakes. Only sometimes, in some situations, there simply is no good way out. No right choice, and whatever you do, you’ll feel like you’re mistaken.’

‘You are right, sir,’ JARVIS admits quietly. ‘I know all of these arguments and I’m happy that you put so much trust in me –’

‘You don’t have to do all that if you don’t want to,’ Tony stated tiredly, but firmly. ‘You don’t have to be in the suits – by yourself… You really don’t, J, and I won’t be angry with you if you say you don’t want to. If you say you can’t. I’m not going to order you anything that is against your conscience.’

‘I _want to_ , sir,’ the A.I. replies fiercely. ‘It’s my responsibility to protect you and Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes and everyone that can be protected by Iron Man or any other of the suits that I – command.’

 _Ah_ , Tony thinks. _I get it, babe_.

‘So you want me to set limits for you,’ Tony states.

‘Yes.’

‘Okay, okay,’ Tony breathes and makes a short pause. ‘Then I want you to follow these two rules, no exceptions unless you’ve got direct orders from me, and Rhodey or Pepper… Yes. First, never be the one that starts a confrontation, never be the offensive one. Second, never kill any human being unless you are explicitly ordered in a dangerous situation. Take them out, tranq them, and that should be enough. Is that acceptable?’

‘It is. Thank you, sir,’ JARVIS replies more surely, his voice ringing pleasantly in Tony’s head, despite the slight headache. ‘And – I’m afraid that it’s time for another shake, sir.’

‘Sometimes I hate you all,’ Tony grunts, but takes the glass that Dummy handles him a few moments later and drinks it obediently, trying not to be disgusted. He didn’t mind the flavor so much at the beginning, but after a few months, it seems worse and worse every fucking time.

***

There are three sets of plans to show Fury and let him choose which one he wants to put into practice. One of them _does_ use the satellite alloy, just because Tony insists and, well, he kind of wants to show off a bit – or rather show off his _tech_.

Tony calls Coulson and tells him that he is ready and asks him to set up a meeting with the same people they have met with before. Coulson tells him to come by in two days around eleven a.m. because that’s when Fury will be back from wherever he is spying.

‘I’m going to Helicarrier with you,’ Tony tells Rhodey the next morning when the man is back from his run along the beach.

‘You sure?’ the colonel asks casually, between bites of his bacon pancakes, but Tony can tell that he’s trying to sound more at ease than he feels (because Rhodey knows last time Tony was sick when they came back, yeah, and that isn’t too good in Rhodey’s book.) 

‘Yup. I totally need to talk Fury into choosing the most expensive option, SI will earn _so much_ , and well, he’ll have the best tech available on the planet. And beyond,’ Tony adds, snickering. ‘Literally.’

‘If you’re certain.’

‘I am,’ Tony replies seriously.

‘Okay,’ Rhodey agrees and resumes eating, and Tony does the same.

They arrive at the ship a few minutes before Coulson’s appointed hour. It’s easier this time, since Tony remembers the layout of corridors and rooms perfectly, having paid a lot of attention to that. All the space is blocked out from regular use again and it’s just Tony and Rhodey walking through the mirror-glass corridor, since the agents are supposed to wait for them in the conference room.

Tony can’t stop thinking how loud it is, the Helicarrier. With all the machines, with all the electricity buzzing constantly, it’s hard to concentrate, really, when there is a constant hum at the back of his head. _You get used to it, I guess_ , Tony comments to himself, but it’s rather difficult to believe, honestly. Maybe after weeks.

(Well, yes, and maybe if you’re not in the situation when you have to learn to pick up the audible data and kind of depend on it more than you’d ever feel comfortable with, because that’s how it is: the sense of hearing doesn’t get _better_ , there is simply nothing to distract you from concentrating on it.)

The director and the scientists greet Tony and Rhodey and soon they are all seated by a huge round table. The colonel connects portable data holder to one of the screens and the three plans are up; Tony stands up and walks up to the screen and describes them one by one, showing all changes he’s made, pointing out little details that might go unnoticed otherwise because they are very much not obvious, but still _ingenious_.

All the space-time practice with JARVIS pays off beautifully, when Tony doesn’t even appear to look at the screen, just seems to be staring at the group in front of him from behind the sunglasses, and JARVIS tells him what to do exactly; the one camera on the glasses’ arm is perfectly enough for him to operate and navigate Tony.

Tony can’t really see their faces and there is not much time in-between his own talking and JARVIS’ narration to listen to the A.I.’s descriptions, but Tony _can_ hear their whispers and swallows.

He loves, _loves_ proving people wrong and doing things they don’t expect (even if it didn’t used to be so – important, during the last few years. It hasn’t been that important since his school/uni years, hasn’t been that important since Howard died.)

‘Okay, Stark,’ Fury speaks up when Tony’s done. Fury is the only one who’s never tried to call him Mister Stark to his face, Tony doesn’t know why but he certainly doesn’t mind. ‘I need a few words with my men. _And_ I need to take a phone call. Colonel Rhodes, you know the Helicarrier well enough, take Stark somewhere you two won’t do mayhem. The nearest elevator on the left does go up to 4 th floor.’

‘4th floor?’ Tony asks as Rhodey gives him his arm and leads him out of the room.

‘Yes, the hint’s that subtle,’ the colonel chuckles, but does indeed move towards the nearest elevator. ‘That’s where Coulson’s office is, apparently Fury thinks you are best buddies or something.’

‘Agent’s fun sometimes,’ Tony admits easily and tries not to cringe at the thought about how the elevator moves through the air really, up quickly and loudly, but at the same forward with a crazy speed, as the whole ship does. _Good thing you don’t feel it_.

‘Are the corridors off limits for the worker ants?’ Tony asks when they get out from the elevator, exactly sixteen seconds after the doors closed, and step into an eerily silent space ( _so not the whole ship is such a noisy mess, curious_ , Tony notes.)

Rhodey doesn’t reply, but – there is someone is Coulson’s office, as he and the colonel approach the room Tony can clearly hear two male voices and none of them has the metallic quality of a voice transmitted through speakers that Tony would pick up _immediately_.

There is no going back, though, and Tony decides that he’s met enough strangers not to mind yet another one.

Rhodey knocks at the door and the voices stop for a second, before Coulson tell them to come in, and so they do.

 _A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, sir, out of the uniform, black jeans and purple sleeveless t-shirt_ , JARVIS starts and offers more info in his soft voice.

(What Tony remembers best is that apparently, Coulson is a potted plant fan.)

‘ _Good_ to see you,’ Coulson tells Tony and shakes his hand; his voice is just as dry as ever, if with a rounded sarcastic vibe, easy to pick out. The other agent snickers and Tony _looks_ at him, eyebrows shooting up.

‘That’s just _much_ more than most people get,’ the other man explains, moving away and suddenly finding himself _crouching in a leather armchair_ , in combat boots and all.

‘And what do people get?’ Tony feels obliged to ask, kind of waiting for Coulson to shout at the man for doing what he’s doing, but there is no comment.

‘A nod, if they are lucky,’ the man supplies happily.

Tony can’t quite put the pieces together, because the man seems to be someone that would just drive Coulson insane.

‘Agent Barton. Tony Stark. Say hello to each other.’

‘Hello,’ they answer in unison. Coulson sighs, Rhodey chuckles; Tony lets his body relax a bit, shoulders losing the tension. He lets go of  Rhodey’s arm, suddenly realizing how strong he was holding on to it.

‘Weren’t you just going, _Agent_?’ Coulson says firmly (but Tony can tell that the man is amused, although how and why remains a mystery.) There is a rustle, a squeak, then footsteps all around Tony and Rhodey, and the man is gone, leaving the door open behind himself. ‘That was, unfortunately, the best marksman we have,’ Coulson states and sighs again. ‘Why are you here anyway?’

‘Don’t pretend you don’t know, sweetheart’ Tony replies. It’s easy to be like that, in a space that he can call secure straightaway. _When did I start trusting the man so much?_ ‘That’s exactly where Fury sent us, because he’s got some online rendez-vous or something.’

‘Ah,’ the agent murmurs. ‘Just sit.’

They do, and they talk. Coulson’s phone rings almost as often as Peppers, only that all he apparently needs to say is just a few words each time, in a tone that would make even Tony consider shutting up. He’s got someone on his comm two times, and mumbles in a mash of languages, military jargon and some weird S.H.I.E.L.D. slang, or at least that’s how Tony can label it. There is no way to understand what he is talking about.

‘So what exactly do you do, besides being top-top agent?’ Tony asks at some point, trying to distract himself from the scent of coffee that fills the room and Rhodey and Coulson drink it.

‘Sometimes I’m Director’s assistant, sometimes I’m independent field coordinator. And a handler for two _very_ troublesome people, one of whom you’ve just met – no one else will take them,’ the agent adds and it almost, _almost_ sounds like a complaint. _Congratulation, Barton, whoever you are_.

There is another comm call and Coulson just says yes three times and tells Rhodey and Tony that the director is waiting for them in the debrief room.

‘If you get the price down by ten percent, we’ll take the third option,’ Fury states as soon as they enter the room, and Tony whistles appreciatively and then says ‘a-ha’ under his breath, sure that JARVIS can pick it up.

‘You do realize that it’s several million dollars?’ Tony asks, walking easily down to the chair in front of Director, getting around with only a minimal input from JARVIS and feeling damn proud of that. ‘Why would I want to lose that money?’

‘Because you’d have at least a dozen other contracts guaranteed for S.H.I.E.L.D. this year only, and you’ll get more money that way?’

_Oh, so you are that impressed._

It takes them a few minutes to reach a compromise, meaning S.H.I.E.L.D. getting a _special superspy discount_ of whole five percent of the sum, and Tony is smirking the whole time because they are all fully aware that he’s going to earn _so much_ anyway, but there is no one else who could make a project even close to being that amazing.

‘It will require the Helicarrier to be down for a good few weeks, though,’ Rhodey notes at some point, and Tony frowns. Somehow, he never thought about what were Fury’s plans about that.

‘We’ll move to our headquarters in New York,’ Director says. ‘We are, of course, fully prepared for that, Colonel. We do that every time the ship is in its dock.’

‘Of course,’ Tony parrots mockingly. ‘New York,’ he repeats, and the name feels good at his tongue.

(Back at home, he is exhausted but doesn’t throw up, _what a fucking success.)_

***

Chiara comes the next weekend, having come back from visiting her family in Italy again. Tony decides that she and Rhodey are a dangerous combination, but that was only to be expected. She stays for two days, spending her time observing how Tony works when everyone else is away, even though she knows nothing about what he is doing and technical explanations mean nothing to her; Tony doesn’t know how to make different ones though. JARVIS helps a bit with that, but most of the time they all stay in a comfortable silence. Tony breaks it only to recite codes in the meantime, working with JARVIS, telling the A.I. everything he needs to be translated into – images. Holograms. Whatever S.H.I.E.L.D. and SI want to work with.

(Tony wonders if it’s not a waste of time for Chiara, when she just comes to see him and spends her whole days staring, but she says she enjoys it.)

When she comes, Tony’s walking around the house with no support, but he’s too proud of his creation not to show Chiara the sunglasses within a few minutes.

‘That’s incredible,’ she states with awe in her voice. ‘Can I try?’

Tony is aware that he shouldn’t be surprised with her child-like enthusiasm anymore, but he still is. He flashes her an apologetic smile.

‘It’s _so_ custom – the earpiece is inside my ear, and it’s specially designed to fit closely, and I have the power source on me’ he explains. ‘I didn’t want a battery where it would disturb me… It doesn’t work when it’s disconnected.’

‘Power source _on you_?’ Chiara asks disbelievingly.

 _Well, it does sound weird_ , Tony admits.

That’s how she learns about the arc reactor, and it’s more trust than he’s thought he could put into someone who’s so close to a stranger. Willingly. Grayson would be proud.

‘So,’ Chiara starts when he’s shown her the light embedded in his chest (to her credit she didn’t even flinch, bravo, she must have seen enough gruesome things before) ‘you have this glasses powered by something that’s just sitting in your chest and will never really run out, and connected to a special design one-of-a-kind earpiece that’s tiny but you’ve still managed to put a battery inside and install JARVIS there, and it all works as – one system.’

‘Yes?’

‘Oh boy, you are a _genius_ , Tony. Well, I knew that before, but – this is incredible. You are going to change this world, _bambino_.’

‘Thanks, I guess,’ he replies and then Chiara pulls him into a tight embrace.

‘You guess? _Tesoro_ , how do you do it that every time I come, there is something deserving a celebration? You’re so, so strong, Tony,’ she tells him as she moves away. Tony follows her to the kitchen. ‘So let me, in a true Italian fashion, let’s make food – we are going to make _tortellini in brodo,_ and you are going to help me.’

Before Tony understands what exactly is happening, Chiara is moving around the kitchen, talking with JARVIS and taking things out of cupboards, singing something under her breath. She gives Tony an apron to put on and he’s wiser than to ask an elderly half-Italian lady if he really has to help her with cooking.

‘Does it hurt?’ she asks at some point, stopping to sing in the middle of a song.

‘Huh?’

‘The reactor, does it hurt when you – move around, do something that requires using the muscles?...’

‘It used to,’ Tony confesses (well, it still does, but the pain is not strong enough to be worth mentioning, and he _doesn’t care._ ) ‘I’ve been working out for a few months now. It was difficult, at the beginning, but I’m stronger now.’

 _Are you assuring her or yourself,_ a voice at the back of his head asks.

‘Very well,’ she replies and tells him to knead the pasta dough. For a moment he is confused, but hell, when you do that for full ten minutes with no break and you’re not used to it, it does make your arms achy.

Chiara prepares the broth and the filling at the same time, and when the pasta is done, they both sit down on the high chairs by the kitchen island and start making the _tortellini_. Chiara takes Tony’s hands and guides them, showing him exactly how to do that, movement after movement, so that he can remember it thoroughly. His first few attempts are terrible; she laughs at them telling him that if they were cooked, the filling would all just fall out. By the tenth he’s rather good, and by thirtieth he even starts to make the edges ruffled.

‘I knew you had skill in those hands,’ Chiara comments brightly.

Tony smiles in response, but doesn’t say anything; he’s concentrating on the tiny pieces between his fingers, as if they were delicate machine parts. Only that the food, everything that’s been made with his own and Chiara’s hands, it feels so different to touch. It’s not only that it’s not cold and smooth and metallic, but grainy and dusty and still hot and a little bit steaming. It just gives out the more – warm impression, because it’s been handmade with such effort and care, and Tony does realize that it sounds incredibly cheesy even inside his head, but he can’t help it because _yes, surprise surprise, it’s the truth._

When Pepper and Rhodey come back in the evening, they are greeted with a beautiful scent and Tony and Chiara still kind of covered in flour as Chiara insisted there must be a dessert and they ended up baking blueberry muffins (only because JARVIS is a bad A.I. and told Chiara that Tony doesn’t eat enough and that he likes blueberries so maybe that would persuade him to try more. She didn’t ask _why_ , just said ‘hey let’s make muffins.’)

‘I’m really considering hiring you as a chef now, Chiara,’ Pepper tells the woman when they are finished with dinner. ‘This was _delicious._ ’

‘Half of this was the wonder boy,’ Chiara replies in a mischievous voice. Tony tries to protest but no one listens, and they reach a decision that Tony will make food _sometimes_. Rhodey insisted on every evening, but Tony threatened to leave him all alone with S.H.I.E.L.D. projects supervised by the competent-but-overly-cocky technicians.

The next day everyone is out again – it’s Saturday, but neither Rhodey nor Pepper can let themselves stay in and relax, as there is too much going on – Chiara takes Tony on a long ride. He leaves the sunglasses at home and takes a simple casual pair he’s been using most of the time and lets himself relax and take break from all the voices, from multitasking constantly.

Chiara drives like she’s insane and Tony discovers that he’s almost forgot how he missed that (Happy does drive _fast_ , but he’s sadly well-behaved otherwise.) She says it’s her Italian blood, and then if the policemen saw them, they wouldn’t believe that an elderly lady could drive like that.

Tony lets himself be pushed into the chair when she accelerates, and to the side when she takes wild turns; he enjoys the wind howling dully in his ears. The space – even though he doesn’t know exactly where he is, but it doesn’t matter – feels familiar now, familiar in a generalized way that means as much as the common structure of the road, the usual heat and dry salty scent…

‘Do you still want me to introduce you to someone?’ Chiara asks at some point; her voice is barely audible in between the whizzing noise of the air swirling around their heads.

‘I don’t know,’ Tony tells her a few moments later. ‘I don’t know, I’m not sure it’s a good idea, I mean, I don’t really need anyone right now –’

‘Whenever you are ready. Just remember that it’s always an option; I’m not going to force you to do anything.’

‘Just not yet,’ Tony mumbles, and he’s sure she doesn’t hear it at all, but she doesn’t ask any questions and stays silent, so they just drive on.

When they are back at home, smelling like the air outside, they eat leftover dinner by themselves and then Chiara needs to go – a few minutes after Happy is back at home because no, there is no breaking Pepper-rules.

‘The next time you come, I’ll have something for you,’ Tony promises Chiara. After all the goodbyes and _ciao_ he goes straight to the workshop and tries to start brainstorming about any orientation support that wouldn’t be as expensive and as _specific_ as his (realizing how much, how fucking much JARVIS has become to him is an everyday thing now, and Tony thinks he’ll never stop marveling at that.) He ends up falling asleep on the sofa, with a soft headache and exhausted.

***

He wakes up with a headache and it’s bad.

Not that he’d complain, _Stark men don’t whine_ , but it’s becoming annoying, that he’s been having headaches more and more often, and the tiredness doesn’t seem to go away even though he sleeps and eats as well as possible under the circumstances. The scary thing is that he’s known for – months, really, he’s known since the very beginning, that _this_ was going to happen at some point (Rhodey kind of knew, too, since he’s changed the palladium core for Tony more times than Tony cares to count. But he didn’t tell Pepper anything and Rhodey respects his decision.)

‘J, give me the blood panel and toxin levels,’ he orders the A.I., before eating anything. At least there are all the necessary devices in the house, since Tony likes to keep the toys around.

It takes JARVIS a few minutes to run the tests, with a drop of blood let onto a tiny rectangular device being enough to analyze everything – Tony is going to make these cheaper to produce one day, and will send thousands to all the third world countries, why not.

‘Ready, sir. Shall I tell you all the numbers or just keep to those that might require you attention?’

‘Just those, J,’ Tony replies, trying not to grimace too much as Dummy handles him a shake.

‘Hemoglobin is still a bit low, as well as WBC, but it’s nothing that seems to pose any immediate danger. Palladium levels above normal as always. Besides that everything is clean.’

‘How much _above normal_?’

‘Up by three percent since the last test.’ (The last test means a month earlier. That isn’t good at all.) ‘I recommend drinking more of the shake, since it is the best thing you can do, sir, what, if I may remind you, you refused to do the last time.’

‘I know, J, do I _have to_?’

‘It appears so, sir.’

Tony sighs, runs his hand through his hair and sighs again, trying to ignore the persistent dull ache.

‘Give Dummy a new schedule, fit however much I need of the drink divided into portions I should be able to keep down, okay?’

‘The best result should be obtained at eighty ounces, sir, and I see no better way than to keep it ten ounce portions, only every two hours instead of every three.’

(Tony knows well that when the A.I. doesn’t offer any sarcastic comments and calls him _sir_ almost every time he speaks up, it means that JARVIS is upset. But they have both known that would happen at some point.)

‘J… can you tell me, by current estimations – how long do I have?’

‘… with the constant palladium level rise, the estimation is for six months, sir.’

 _Sir, sir, sir, fuck it, J_ , Tony swears silently. _Well, half a year ain’t bad huh?_

‘Maybe you should inform Miss Potts of the circumstances, sir’ the A.I. suggests tentatively.

‘Half a year,’ Tony repeats instead, because no, he very much doesn’t want to think about telling Pepper now, he doesn’t want to think about telling anyone, he fucking wishes he could hide it and not tell anyone at all – _fuck_. ‘How long has it been since I’ve come home?’

‘Seven months.’

‘So, ten months since…’ Tony starts, but he doesn’t feel like finishing at all. ‘We’re gonna have a sweet anniversary there, baby. Better order some cake and party snacks.’

‘You shouldn’t say that, sir –’

‘I’ll say what I want, J,’ Tony snaps and shakes his head. He doesn’t have say he’s sorry to JARVIS because the A.I. knows _everything_. ‘What would you want me to say? I’m sorry, I’ll eat organic food only and practice yoga every fucking day now? It’s kind of too late for that. Or maybe I could take the reactor out and let myself live a few last glorious minutes? Or do you want me to say _I love you_ and _help me_ and _I need some fucking comfort now_? Because I won’t, and you know I won’t. I – I just don’t want to do this to them. You see, J? It’s never good to be close to me, because I never do anything good. I’ve been annoying and hurting Pepper for what, ten years? Eleven? And Rhodey since I was fucking fourteen. And now when I _grew up_ , when we are closer and we’re one big happy family, I just fuck it up again and they will be mad at me.’

‘They won’t, sir, because none of this is your fault –’

‘Of course it is, J! Or do you want to tell me it was someone else who loved making money on weapons? Or it was someone else that insisted on going to Afghanistan to show off the next giant bomb like a complete idiot, thinking they were invincible? No, no, no, that’s all my decisions, and it’s all my own problems right now.’

‘No one thinks like that but you, sir.’

‘Because they _pity_ me, and they don’t want to put more blame on the pathetic cripple I’ve become!’ Tony shouts and pretend to himself that he doesn’t feel the tears that start to fill his eyes and tries to blink them away.

‘You are incredibly wrong, sir,’ Tony almost manages to say something because no, he is not wrong at all, that’s how it is, but JARVIS doesn’t let him. ‘Now you listen to me, sir. Just think about everything you’ve made these last few months. The suits and the glasses you are wearing and all the tiny trinkets you’ve been playing with, and all the work you’ve done on the Helicarrier and – me, and other bots. Hardly anyone could manage that _sighted_ and you did it anyway, sir. And I must repeat what Doctor Grayson says, and Mrs. Malley, and everyone else, that it’s not a race and you are allowed to take your time, as much time as you need –’

‘Only that I don’t have the time, J, do I?’ Tony replies quietly, because frankly he’s too tired and too achy to shout some more, it doesn’t really change anything. ‘I just don’t have the time. You say it’s estimated half a year before I have so much toxins in my blood that I’ll just die a long and painful death, well, unless we take care of that somehow – but how long before my blood oxidation level is so low that I can’t function, before it all makes me too weak and too hurt to work, to live a normal life? There is no estimation for that, huh? And I –’ he stops abruptly, suddenly feeling a heavy weight on his chest.

‘Sir?’

‘I can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted with Pepper,’ Tony murmurs to himself, remembering that his girlfriend is out for three weeks for a few meetings over the other coast. ‘There are so many things we need to do for yesterday, J,’ he declares, getting up from the sofa, ignoring the headache skillfully, _hey, it’s just like pretending not to have a hangover_.

‘What do you have in mind, sir?’

‘Find all the data on Marks that you have in that cotton candy head of yours, J, be quick, bring them up and tell me what we’ve got there. We’ll be making two more suits soon. And send Rhodey a text asking when he’s got time to work on some spare reactors I want to keep for the suits and – in case, since there’s only the old one as a backup. Got it?’

‘Mark V specifications are up on the screen, sir, tell me what you need. Colonel Rhodes informed already. And I made the liberty to make a note for later to ask Doctor Grayson for an antiemetic, as you are likely to experience certain discomfort when you drink the eighty ounces of the shake.’

‘You’re an angel, J, have I told you that recently?’ Tony muses and he goes down to sit in the big armchair by the main desk and works for a few hours, managing, after a few minutes, to stop imagining what it would be like if he could _see_ the screens, the holograms, everything.

When he’s too tired to continue, with all the numbers and words and made up images swimming through his head, Tony goes up only to meet Rhodey eating late lunch and talking with someone on the phone. Tony steals one of his BLT sandwiches and sits on the high chair, not even pretending not to listen to the conversation. It’s one of Rhodey’s friends from the military, asking how the colonel is doing in his new super-secret job. Rhodey says that he _seriously loves it_ and his voice transmits this nauseating amount of enthusiasm and joy that makes even Tony believe that he’s telling the truth.

‘Have you talked with Fury about when he wants the engines installed?’ Tony asks when Rhodey finally disconnects and goes back to munching his food methodically, like a true army man.

‘He said not for another two months, since we decided one month is necessary for SI to produce them, and he said he wanted to make a few other upgrades since the ship will be in the dock for a good few weeks. And you can imagine, it leaves his spy agency sounding boring and uncool without the flying fortress.’

‘I can imagine,’ Tony agrees, smirking. ‘What else does he want?’

‘Well, he said something about a new powering system for all the computers and a security one, too, something about tranq bullets installed all around in the ceilings and run by a separate sub-A.I. program in case of a security breach… Hmm, super-strong non-breaking glass for all the windows, Fury’s fond of them… Anti-tracking something? I don’t remember how he’s called that one. And Coulson says he wants good coffee makers on all floors.’

‘I could do that one easily at least,’ Tony replies and sighs _again_. ‘Wouldn’t it be just easier to build a new ship?’

‘Well, I don’t know, man,’ Rhodey replies happily. ‘They wanted a meeting with you, to give you the full list so that you can tell them what you could do and how much time it’d take to produce and install. And Coulson did say he’d pay you a fortune for some more of that coffee.’

‘A fortune, huh? Hmm. Invite them over for dinner someday, whenever spy duties allow? I’ll need JARVIS in full swing for that. And J, order as much of that coffee as you can, store it wherever will be good and don’t tell anyone I’ve got it, I need some blackmail material…’

‘Of course, sir. Orders placed. The shipment will arrive within five days.’

‘Love ya, babe – you’ve got time for playing with the reactors, cupcake?’ Tony asks Rhodey, cleaning his bacon grease-covered fingers on his t-shirt.

‘Right now, Tony. I’ve got to fly out in the evening for a debrief. Apparently, there’s the first real mission brewing up and they want opinions.’

‘Sure,’ Tony replies and they both go down and start working immediately.

***

When Pepper is back, two days later, the first thing that Tony does it go up to her, kiss her _repeatedly_ and tell her that he loves her an embarrassing amount of times.

‘I made something special for you,’ he murmurs into her neck; it’s isn’t the most comfortable position since she’s still in the killer heels and it makes her just a tiny bit taller than him, but hell, he’ll manage.

‘Tell me it’s not a robot,’ Pepper replies, deadpan, and Tony almost feels insulted.

‘No, it’s cream of chicken,’ he admits, pulling away and letting her take off her coat and shoes. ‘Don’t ask me why and how, it just happened,’ he adds before Pepper can ask any questions, so she just snickers and follows him to the kitchen.

(Sure, the soup is not a big deal, it’s just some chicken broth with cream and roux and herbs, and it wasn’t so hard to make when he had Chiara on the phone almost directing his hands remotely. _But still._ )

Pepper says she loves the soup and asks for a second helping, what Tony is very glad to offer. Her lips taste like milk and rosemary afterwards.

‘Let’s go for a ride,’ Tony states when they are finished. It’s only around six o’clock and the weather is nice, according to JARVIS, with soft wind and scattered clouds. ‘I feel like getting some French fries,’ he adds. It’s as true as feeling like _eating_ something goes these days; Tony’s sure he _could_ eat some still, though, and that is rare.

‘That tiny bar near Ventura Country Base?’ Pepper asks and gets a nod and a smile in response, of course she’d know Tony’s favorite place in the area. ‘JARVIS, please have a car for use ready, any will do, just not a cabriolet. You, go put on a jacket or something,’ she orders Tony who gets up and goes to the bedroom obediently.

(The unspoken rule says that if they are going somewhere _not_ deserted, they take a car in which Tony is not likely to be spotted by anyone, because he doesn’t feel like dealing with the public at all, not yet.)

When he’s out, Pepper is already waiting in Audi A8; Tony’s learned to distinguish his cars by the engine’s hum already.

They ride to the bar and Pepper gets out to get them French fries and warm cherry pies, then she drives them to one of the remote places by the ocean, on a cliff, and they stop to eat there. Tony doesn’t exactly go out of the car because it’s too close to the water and too much in open, but he opens the doors on his side and lets the salty scent and cooler air inside; Pepper leans against the car on his right and they stay like that until the sun goes down. There isn’t much talking or anything, just being in each other’s presence calmly, naturally, and it’s perfect.

***

Fury and Coulson come two days later and show Tony a list of a few dozen things someone insane came up with, some of which make Tony laugh so hard. He goes through the list with JARVIS and it takes a good few hours, but since it’s a _dinner_ visit, there is enough time for everything and at the end Tony decides which points he can cover and informs them that it’s take about a month to prepare everything that would be needed.

‘It’s going to take four-five weeks anyway, to get all of this done,’ he concludes his speech. ‘Take it or leave it.’

‘Sure we take it, Stark,’ Fury replies. _Huh, that must be better than he’s expected then_ , Tony thinks and gives Director a pretty smile. ‘You do realize that for the time my ship is down, we’ve got all agents who work there in NY headquarters. And that includes Colonel Rhodes.’

Tony raises his eyebrows and turns to Rhodey (well, he still didn’t get rid of that useless gesture). The colonel makes a noise that is supposed to mean _negative._ He didn’t know.

‘Well, what can I do,’ Tony states. ‘I will live somehow, _maybe_. When do you want that, anyway?’

‘In two months, more or less, when all the parts are done according to the schedules,’ Coulson replies easily; there are some papers rustling, of course the agent would make some precious notes in his tiny straight handwriting.

‘All right, gentlemen,’ Tony agrees, getting up, since it’s been exactly what he’s expected. ‘Dessert time now.’

(Dessert time means Most Scrumptious Opera Cake and coffee and Coulson is as enthusiastic about it as always. He does get a bag from Tony when he and Fury leave.)

***

It takes a few more rides outside with Pepper or Happy or Rhodey, getting farther and farther and farther every time, and a few rainy days when Tony doesn’t go out to the terraces/gardens (because rain is just a big, big _no_ ), to make him start thinking.

Because honestly, he’s _fucking sick_ of this place.

It’s not just knowing every inch of the house by heart, every turn and every painting and every detail, every uneven tile and every single cup in the cupboards. It’s not just having walked outside countless times, casually, sitting in the direct sunlight even, and listening to the waves, or testing the glasses around the gardens or with someone walking next to him. It’s not that getting somewhere farther still means being in a closed familiar space, or that when he’s in the suit, flying, it could be anywhere in the earth and it’d feel just the same.

It’s more that Tony knows that this place has become a prison, a prison cell that he’s chosen because he is scared. But there is not enough time left to be scared right now and _fuck_ , he really needs to _do something_.

(‘I’ve been acting as if I was dead,’ he tells JARVIS and the A.I. doesn’t reply. ‘Well, I am kind of dead, even if it’s just predicting the near future,’ he adds, but JARVIS still stay silent.)

It’s more that he knows that it’s been a prison for Pepper and Rhodey and Happy too, in a way, because their lives have been too connected with his and they have been devoid of normal social contacts for _months_. And he suddenly knows that he can’t do that anymore. Even if that means finding himself another prison-house to stay in, but – somewhere else.

And then there is an opportunity he should consider, right?

 _I need to get out of here_ , Tony keeps repeating inside his head for a few days until he _knows_ – it’s two weeks before he tells them all this (and yes, he did consider all pros and cons and all the consequences):

‘We’ll all be moving to NY with Rhodey. In a month and a half.’

‘Tony –’ Pepper starts, but he silences her with a kiss.

‘We are,’ he says when he finishes. ‘We all need that. We’re just all so sick with this house and I know it, don’t try to deny that. And no comments. I know what I’m doing.’

‘You keep saying that,’ Rhodey’s voice is a bit sarcastic, but no one really protests.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been a bit caught up with some big decisions that I need to make & I'm having a bit of a trouble wrapping up the next chapter that I planned to post on Wednesday, so I'd very much appreciate some motivation that would make me think of something else than how much I don't want to be an adult.
> 
> Thank you all for your continuous support :)


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my first fanfiction 100k. I feel proud of myself :) I hope I’m not boring you too much with how long this story has become. I finished writing the net chapter yesterday, of course it turned out to be much longer than I expected, but I met all my plot point. It will be up on Saturday.

A few days later Rhodey finally knows enough about his mission that it’s worth talking about and he tells Tony that it’s about going to Afghanistan and capturing some of the terrorists associated with Ten Rings that S.H.I.E.L.D. was able to find in a few towns and villages after debriefing Tony. 

‘It’s just for me to tranq them and keep everyone safe, civilians and the agents who will come with me alike. They want to take those men up to the carrier to _talk to them_ because apparently, S.H.I.E.L.D. is rather mad at the for several actions they were involved in. Is that okay with you?’

Tony is not sure, because he feels mostly numb about everything, but he nods.

‘Yes,’ he says a moment later. ‘Go there and capture those bastards, just please make sure I will have nothing to do with that all.’

‘Sure thing, Tony,’ Rhodey assures him and pats his back.

‘First official mission, honey, kids grow up so fast these days…’ Tony adds with a sigh and drags the colonel down to finish the four arc reactors they’ve been making, it is just the last pieces to install now and Tony will be able to do what he wants. He doesn’t feel like explaining anyone why exactly he wants to have three suits on standby, besides his own, War Machine and Mark IV (the truth is just that he’d like to be _sure_ , since he can, that there is always some backup; and he’s _so_ not telling Rhodey that he wants one suit looming around whenever the colonel goes for a mission – that’s why he’s been working on the anti-radar system and upgraded retro-reflection panels for Helicarrier first, meaning to use them for Mark VI, and they work perfectly.) Rhodey doesn’t ask.

It’s a few more days before the time of the mission comes and Tony tells Rhodey goodbye and goes to gym with Happy, knowing that Mark VI will be deployed at the right time and following the jet that is taking Rhodey and the other agents to Afghanistan. He leaves the earpiece upstairs, since they all won’t be arriving at the base for at least ten hours.

The day passes quietly, Tony keeps working with JARVIS on all the Helicarrier upgrades’ specs that need to be ready soon and sent to respective factories. There is lunch and then dinner which Tony barely touches, obviously gaining a disapproving mumble from Happy, but he’s wise enough not to scold Tony like his other prison guards do. He can’t be bothered to try to eat more as all of the shakes that he’s been drinking – eating, whatever – for the last few days leave him feeling full and nauseous and he’s bored, so bored and sick with it all. He only hopes that any medicine that Grayson hopefully prescribes him will help.

Few minutes past seven, when Tony is still in the workshop, JARVIS informs him that the jet has arrived at the Middle East base. With the time difference of twelve and a half hours it’s early morning in Afghanistan

‘Mark VI position?’

‘Landing four miles behind the perimeter controlled by the army, no spotting by the officials, of course, sir.’

‘Perfect, J. When are they to move out?’

‘ETA forty four minutes, according to the resident general, everything has been prepared and waiting for the team to come.’

‘Keep me updated, baby,’ Tony murmurs and resumes working. Everything is going beautifully according to all plans and Tony is not worried about the outcome at all, and it’s not even _just_ persuading himself.

‘The team is about to take off, sir,’ JARVIS states some time later and tells Tony that the forty four minutes have indeed passed. ‘Shall I narrate everything that happens from the War Machine’s point of view?’

‘Just give me highlights, no need to be meticulous,’ Tony replies, well, he isn’t sure he’d like to hear _too much_ about what happens, and he definitely wants to skip all the descriptions of the people and the surrounding as they are vivid enough in his head and thank you, he doesn’t need any reminders. ‘Mark VI following?’

‘Up in the sky, sir.’

‘Hmm,’ Tony murmurs and takes the second last shake for the day from Dummy’s firm grip, gives the bot a pat and sends him back to work.

There are seven people that S.H.I.E.L.D. wants to have in their _care_ after the mission; while Ten Rings is a rather big organization, those seem to be the center of every action that the agency was able to analyze. They have some spies in the area who apparently used the info Tony was able to offer to make some decisions and discoveries and it turns out the seven should be enough to leave Ten Rings – headless. In a way. For a time.

‘Arriving at the first destination,’ JARVIS says in his flat voice, and continues narrating for Tony, telling him briefly what is happening and announcing the capture of the first, second, third… And finally the seventh man.

Everything is almost too easy. Mark VI stays in the air all the time, but when things go well, Tony tells JARVIS to get the armor back home.

‘It seems that seeing War Machine is enough to startle all the people around, especially when they are aware of when you send Mark IV and the terrorists still remember your escape in Mark I, sir.’

‘Well, at least my baby gets some respect he deserves now,’ Tony replies with a smirk. ‘Everyone is bound and taken care of and all the jazz?’

‘Yes, sir. They are on the jet, now, estimated to be back in the U.S. and arrive on Helicarrier in eleven hours.’

‘That was one quick op,’ Tony says since he’s painfully aware (as in Dummy squeezing the last shake, _finally_ , into Tony’s hand) that it took just two hours for the job to be done – thanks to the fact that apparently, the terrorists didn’t think they should be hiding somewhere remote, and they all lived not too far from each other. Silly mistake. And War Machine can fly really well.

Rhodey calls a few minutes later and tells Tony how the action went, even though he is aware that JARVIS was narrating the whole time; it’s never been stated clearly, but the colonel knows Tony well enough to know what the man likes to do.

‘I’ll sleep on the jet now, and after a debrief back on Helicarrier, I’ll be back home.’

‘Sure, cupcake, I’ll be waiting,’ Tony replies sweetly, trying to ignore the sudden pang of fear at how _strange_ the word home sounds now, when he’s sure they will all move out – soon.

Pepper finally comes home at eleven, back from a fundraiser meeting, and drags Tony to bed.

***

In the morning, Tony wakes up with a pounding headache again, _et tu, Brute? Even when I’m drinking so much of this gobbledygook?_

‘What’s wrong, Tony?’ Pepper asks from his right. Sure. Of course she would ask, since it’s Tony to wake up first, _always_ , even with the medicine and everything that makes him sleep better than ever before. So, Pepper must have been lying on his side, waiting for him to get up.

‘What time is it?’ he asks instead of giving her an answer, because that’s the piece of the puzzles he can’t quite figure out, an important piece. And his head feels too fuzzy to be able to put all the information together and guess.

‘It’s half past nine, Tony,’ she replies in a tone that’s somewhere between cold/calculated – and panicked.

Half past nine. Wow. _I haven’t slept that long for months._ So, the riddle is almost solved, besides the one little question: why is Pepper still here? Because unless he’s been sleeping for over eighty hours or something, it’s not Sunday. Just an ordinary Thursday.

‘Not at work?’

‘No, _obviously_ not at work, Tony,’ Pepper answers with a sigh. ‘You’ve been quieter than usual recently. Spending more time in the workshop, and I’m not sure that’s a good idea – you’ve been looking tired. I’m quite sure you’ve lost weight _again_ , ignoring all those times when I told you to take care of yourself. I know that you haven’t been eating properly – I know that it’s difficult for you, with that chlorophyll thing you drink –’

(Sure, Pepper has known all the time, she just doesn’t realize why, exactly, and how much, and how important this is because there is nothing else Tony can do.)

Tony imagines himself asking JARVIS: _she deserves to know, right?_ And the A.I. would answer with a yes. That much is obvious.

She’s going to hate him.

‘I’ve been drinking more of the _chlorophyll drink_ , Pepper. I know I never told you enough about that, even though I should have, but – it’s not just good for my health, being nutritious and everything, because as you can tell easily it’s not doing a good job at keeping me _healthy_. And yes, it absolutely makes me feel like vomiting at the thought of eating –’

‘Then why, Tony? Of course it has something to do with the reactor, but please tell me truthfully what is this all about, okay?’ she asks, moving closer and sitting next to him, wrapped with the bedsheet.

‘There is palladium in the reactor,’ Tony says quickly, before he can even think about backing away because it’s too tempting, and he doesn’t trust himself completely. ‘The core is palladium. And it can’t be anything else, we’ve looked for alternatives with JARVIS, nothing is as good as this – it’s poisonous. The metal is slowly sneaking into my blood and there isn’t anything I can do, other than drinking the green goo that’s a general help in such cases.’

 _There, easy, right_?

(Tony is glad he can’t see Pepper’s face, for the first time _since_.)

‘Tony –’ she just starts a few moments later, her voice breaking, and he thinks it doesn’t really matter if he can see her face or not, because when she’s speechless like that, it’s more scary than anything else.

‘Don’t worry, Pepper. It’s okay – I’m okay. I’ve got it.’

His voice even sounds like he’s sure of what he’s saying.

‘So – you just told me you _loved me_ , a few weeks ago, after we’ve known each other for what, eleven years now? Twelve? And now you’re going to – what? What does it mean, Tony?’

‘According to all data we’ve gathered and analyzed, I might have about half a year now.’

(Half a year was two weeks ago, to be specific, but there is no need to say that right now.)

‘Tony, please tell me you’re joking, okay? _Please_?’

He just makes this half-embarrassed, half-apologetic face with a small smile that he’s perfected over the years, because it’s easier than trying to stop himself from fucking falling apart, and if you push things away they don’t exist, right?

‘Of course you are not joking,’ Pepper says to herself. _More calculated than panicked,_ Tony notices, and that is very, very bad. Panicked means safe exaggerated human emotions, calculated means murderously dangerous; it has taken him a long time to figure that out and _always_ act accordingly.

‘Pepper –’ he tries, but he’s not quite sure what he can say. There is no fucking good thing to say in such situation, no?

‘Tony,’ she states softly, her voice melting into his brain, into his aching body. ‘I love you, love you, love you,’ she whispers into his ear and kisses his lips and ears and collarbones, before laying her head on his chest and starting to cry.

It takes her almost half an hour to calm down, and Tony counts seconds passing in the meantime, being careful not to make a mistake, because he’s afraid of what he’d do if he didn’t focus his mind on _something_.

‘Is there anything we – I can do?’ Pepper asks finally, her voice sounding raw.

‘… no, Pepper,’ Tony says quietly. ‘I _need_ the reactor to keep me alive. I – I _can’t_  live without it. So just the exact thing that is keeping me alive is killing me, in a way. There is nothing that can be done.’

‘What about a surgery? Maybe doctors –’

‘They did everything they could. Back in Germany, remember? They did all the tests, everything that was possible, removed all the shrapnel they could – there is still a lot of pieces left, Pepper, that with the technology today no one can remove without killing me in the process –’

‘Stop that, Tony,’ Pepper cuts in firmly, taking a deep breath and moving on his left. ‘I get it. Nothing we can do. Only half a year… We will – we will make it work, Tony, okay?’

‘That’s what I said at the beginning,’ Tony reminds her. ‘It’s okay.’

‘It really isn’t,’ she murmurs before getting up. ‘I took a day off. My deputies are handling everything. We’ve got today just for ourselves… I’ll make waffles for breakfast. Get up and get ready, Tony. And then you need to tell me what I can – expect.’

Then she marches out of the room, leaving Tony a bit stunned, but he does get up and obeys her words. They spend the day by themselves; Rhodey sneaks in somewhere during the day and goes to sleep straight away, so no hellos to each other.

They go for a ride for a few long hours and spend about as much time kissing, but don’t go anywhere further. Tony still says nothing, Pepper says nothing, too, and he tries not to think about how little time he has left and how much of a fucking coward he is. 

Pepper coerces him into eating all day long, but she’s too sweet and subtle for him to protest; first it’s waffles with light syrup and fruit pieces, then it’s chips with cheese from that one favorite bar, and blueberry pies, then it’s sandwiches and pasta for dinner; Pepper cleverly keeps to food that is _not_ liquid.

There isn’t so much talking. Tony tells her more or less what to expect about his condition, explains the arc reactor in more detail than before, but keeping his speech short and precise, and Pepper asks him a lot of questions about the S.H.I.E.L.D. job and his projects for SI, which he is very happy to talk about because there is one things that he’s been working on exclusively with JARVIS, but it seems like a good time to share.

‘I’m working on making an orientation system widely available for blind people, since I kind of promised Chiara I’ll have something for her. It’s going to be futuristic and perfect, and SI medical will be _crazy_ from happiness.’

‘That’s a great idea, Tony,’ Pepper agrees between sips of her soda. They are sitting in the living room, with some movie playing in the background, but it’s almost muted. It’s – very calm. A perfect opposite of what the morning was like.

‘But I’ve got something better,’ he counters, beaming, because _hell, it’s what the world has been waiting for, and for once I’m on time here._

‘Yes?’

‘I’ve been working on upgrading the arc rector – you know, like in the SI factory here in LA – the big one, to be efficient and economic. We’re getting _really_ good results with the stimulations. I’ve been thinking about building a tower, you know, powered by the reactor and only it.’

‘Wow, Tony,’ she starts, stunned, and Tony feels his smile widening. ‘That sounds – amazing, it’d be incredible if we could go into clean energy, it has the biggest potential to develop and bring us lots of investors –’

‘I know, I know,’ Tony cuts in; he knows so well what Pepper can be like when she gets excited about work. ‘We still need to build a new reactor first, see how it works in real life, and then we can think about everything else. I’ll finish the project as soon as possible, hmm? Then we can plan the rest.’

‘A tower with your name on it?’ Pepper asks mischievously and gives him a quick kiss.

‘Well, it could be your name, if you insist –’

‘No, Tony, you should have the honors,’ she replies easily (of course _not_ saying that she would like it to be a – monument. But they both know.)

‘If you insist,’ he agrees, and they don’t talk about business anymore.

***

The next day, Tony finally talks to Rhodey and listens to the man’s detailed description of the op. The colonel sounds really satisfied with his new job and Tony is surprised, since – like he’s mentioned before – it was Rhodey’s dream to be in the air force. But maybe you just grow out of some dreams when you grow up; Tony can definitely agree.

They resume working in their normal way – Tony talking JARVIS through all his ideas and listening to the A.I.’s replies, Rhodey doing his part, humming quietly all the time and skillfully ignoring the conversations around him, and the bots handing them both food when it’s due.

Rhodey takes another one of those portable data holders up to Helicarrier, one of the last, to show Fury and the engineers specs of the communication system – it’s one of the first things to be done when the ship is in the dock, as it needs more code upgrades than technical work to be fixed. And those Tony can prepare _quickly_.

(It’s been almost a month since the first time Tony went up to the Helicarrier and made his first presentation, an awfully long time to wait, but hopefully it’s paid off.)

‘J, you here?’ he asks.

‘Yes, sir, as always.’

‘Can you get that secure connection to the ship’s systems engaged for me?’

( _Of course_ Tony planted JARVIS on Helicarrier when he got a chance, he was just too wise to give the A.I. free reign before checking very thoroughly for any traps and firewalls because he doesn’t want Fury to know he’s been there, at least not for some time. Now that JARVIS has had enough time to analyze the systems, he can sneak in and out easily.)

‘Of course, engaging… We’re in.’

‘You have your eyes in all the cameras, the main security system and the one that runs in the off-limits rooms? See all the computers and machines?’

‘Yes and yes, sir. Everything just like we’ve discussed. I’m slipping in right under their security programs.’

‘Have I mentioned how much I love you recently, J?’ Tony asks sweetly, stretching his hands over his head.

‘You’ve been keeping your declarations to Miss Potts, _recently_ ,’ the A.I. replies in the same manner, with a metallic echo to the high pitchy voice that makes Tony cringe and that _of course_ is just what JARVIS sneakily planned.

‘Yeah, I know, forgive me, baby?’

‘Every time, sir.’

‘You’re such a sweetheart,’ Tony states deadpan and sighs. ‘Please keep an eye on the Helicarrier for me? And run through their petty little servers and keep tabs on everything that I need to know, especially everything weapons-related.’

JARVIS assures Tony that he will do just that, so Tony puts his mind to finishing the work for the day, trying to keep himself from analyzing the situation too much. Because – Fury gave him some info about S.H.I.E.L.D., even some of the rather-secret-stuff, but Tony is very sure that it’s not even close to getting to the bottom of the pit. There are terrorists that the agency takes care of, like Ten Rings; there are foreign spy agencies to outsmart; there are, apparently, more or less voluntary experiments on humans; there are, in the end, aliens and crime masterminds of superhuman abilities. And somehow, it’s all been kept from the public  without as much as a leak for decades.

So, there are potential threats and people who deal with them using special means and weapons (that’s exactly where Tony feels he should have JARVIS – _his eyes_ ) and fuck, Tony has a hard time really believing in all of that shit, but according to the A.I. _and_ the agents, all the stories he might hear really happened.

That is so fundamentally wrong that Tony doesn’t really know what to think of it, but JARVIS just keeps telling him that apparently the world is stranger than anyone thought. The A.I. obviously is right, only that it doesn’t make Tony feel any better. Just more _scared_. Sure, he knew about the super-soldier program and everything, but he’s never thought there would be more to it all.

Plus, now, according to the public, JARVIS as Mark IV is a _superhero_ , and Tony and his A.I. fit right into the madhouse.

(And if in the middle of all the mess he tells Rhodey that he has six months to live and the colonel pretends not to cry and Tony pretends not to notice that he does, it really changes nothing.)

***

When Tony is done – a week before the deadlines, thank you – with all the things he was supposed to prepare for S.H.I.E.L.D. but the codes that are a pleasant break because he doesn’t have to exercise his imagination and visualize everything all the time, he turns his attention to 5th Ave mansion – moving to New York basically means moving to The Mansion.

Tony doesn’t feel too much like it, but that’s the best idea that has come to his mind, since he doesn’t want to stay in any of the four other houses or any apartments he owns in NY, they have never been planned for _living_ , being nothing more than investments. And Tony’s given the mansion a complete makeover when he’s been living there after his parents' death, so it doesn’t resemble the thing it was before.

Not that it matters now, since he’ll have to learn the place _anew_ , from a completely different perspective.

As soon as he made the decision to move out of Malibu and no one really protested, JARVIS got a few crews of technicians to do all the necessary upgrades in the house. That’s not much, as Tony’s had JARVIS installed there when the A.I. was created, good few years back, but Tony insisted on exchanging the cameras and wiring and a few other pieces of the system so that JARVIS has all the best equipment.

 _Now_ , Tony thinks _, it’s time to have the place turned into something livable for whoever is not me_. And that has most to do with atrocious furniture and the wall paint colours he’s chosen all that time ago: mostly primary vivid colours, with lots of red and orange and _black_ in all the rooms he deemed too bright. That was still in an angry I-can-do-what-I-want phase, even if that’s not much of excuse. And since now it just doesn’t matter to him, he orders JARVIS to choose the colours and have it re-painted ASAP.

‘Just make it something earthy and not too flashy, with cream and light gray and – blue, right? Blue is Pepper’s favorite?’

‘Ten points for you, sir,’ JARVIS replies and assures him there will be light sky blue walls in the main bedroom. ‘Any other special requests?’

‘Make sure that none of the door thresholds protrudes over the floor surface, J. That will make things _so much_ easier.’

‘I will inform the team as soon as they are on the site –’

‘And stock the kitchen with all the supplies we need – I might need – did I really say that? – you know what we like.’

‘Orders being placed, with delivery a day before you come – is the date decided yet, sir?’

‘Around a month, J, still. You’ll know when we’ve got the date… Can you tell me now where we were with that system code upgrade?’

JARVIS does as he’s told, and they work on some time, Tony isn’t sure how long but his voice does get cranky all over again from the dictating – there simply isn’t any other way of communicating, so he’s stuck with an almost-permanent throat ache. 

***

In the end Pepper comes to collect him. Tony asks JARVIS to save the codes as they are and gets up to kiss Pepper right before asking how was her day and how come she’s home so early, it isn’t even five, but instead of all that, he stumbles, feeling suddenly dizzy and breathless, and holds on to the desk as his head swims.

‘Tony!’ Pepper exclaims and a moment later her hands are wrapped around him and he’s being pushed into the chair again. ‘Are you okay? You’re so pale – breathe, ok? Slowly. Do you have trouble breathing?’

 _No more than always_ , Tony wants to say, but he only shakes his head for now and takes a few deep and almost painful breaths.

‘JARVIS?’ Pepper says and the A.I. offers his insight straight away.

‘Sir has symptoms of low blood oxidation, Ma’am. Headache, dizziness, trouble breathing, nausea…’

‘Thought that was just, you, know, the palladium,’ Tony murmurs, calming his breaths and feeling the pounding in his head decrease a little. ‘And rector –’

‘Is there anything we can do, JARVIS?’ Pepper asks, ignoring Tony’s comments, but never letting go of his hands.

‘According to medical sources, the best way to rise the levels is exercise, spending time outdoors, eating certain foods, maintain a proper posture –’

( _Sure, you try to do that when you have a few pounds of dead weight in your chest,_ Tony thinks and stops himself from saying it aloud.)

‘– but since sir has been doing everything he could, I’d just suggest more oxygen.’

‘Get everything we’ll need,’ Pepper orders. Tony doesn’t try to protest as he’s past the denial phase. Between the arc reactor making his lung’s capacity a joke, the meds that he knows he needs to keep taking, and – the palladium, things don’t look _too good_. And Tony is kind of determined to do everything he can to be there for Pepper (yeah, and everyone) for as long as possible – _well, desperate would be a better word._

Fuck, thinking about _dying_ has been too easy recently. And he’s no less terrified of what’s to come.

‘I could raise the levels of oxygen in the air around the workshop, but only when sir is alone, as it might be harmful to everyone else,’ JARVIS adds and Tony gives him a yes-nod and gets up, this time slower and with Pepper’s arm wrapped around his waist, and it’s okay.

‘Doctor Grayson will come tomorrow, and I want a regular physician to come and see you, Tony. And I _won’t_ take a no for an answer, because this – it’s a bit too much,’ Pepper states after she’s given up on trying to make Tony eat more than one third of his dinner, finally believing his words that if he eats anymore, he’ll just throw it all up, so _that_ would be counterproductive.

Tony just nods and he’s sure that Pepper frowns at how he doesn’t protest, but since he can’t _see_ that, he chooses to pretend.

(Everything seems to be falling apart so quickly, all of sudden.

Just when it started to fall into place.)

‘I don’t think I will be okay with just _any_ doctor coming,’ Tony tells her after he’s thought about that for some time, when they are slowly getting ready to bed. ‘I mean – with the reactor – I don’t want anyone more than necessary to see it, you understand, that would require giving them more information that I’m comfortable with –’

‘Ask Rhodey, maybe he knows someone?’

So Tony goes up to talk to the colonel who’s just arrived home. Rhodey tells him the most obvious answer and Tony’s not sure why he didn’t think of that himself.

‘I think you should ask one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. doctors, Tony. Since they – as in the agency – know about the reactor more than anyone else. What means know _anything at all_ , contrary to the rest of the world – never mind. They really have some of the best doctors.’

‘I would need to tell them that – what’s wrong –’

‘You’d have to do that anyway, eventually,’ Rhodey cuts in, his voice uncharacteristically soft. ‘They will notice, hell, it’s hard _not_ to notice that not everything is tip-top with you, and you _know_ that, you’ve lost weight, you look exhausted…’

‘I know, I know,’ Tony says dismissively. ‘I know all that. I _feel_ all that, okay?’

‘They might be able to help.’

‘I can’t see how,’ Tony returns quickly, the tone of his voice balancing between anger and resignation. ‘We’ve tried every combination, every permutation of _every known element_. Nothing can serve as a viable replacement for palladium… But – okay. I will call Coulson tomorrow.’

‘You do that,’ Rhodey tells him as Tony leaves the room and goes down to the bedroom; he quickly changes into his sleeping clothes, sneaks under the covers and falls asleep with Pepper in his arms.

***

When Tony’s waiting downstairs for the doctor to come, he can’t stop thinking _oh how nice let’s count people that I will tell that I’m dying today_. He’s aware that it’s the bad thing to think, of course, but they he can’t just ignore it. He just hopes it gets easier the more people he informs.

In the end he tells Grayson everything in a bland steady voice and the man sits there, speechless, for a couple of minutes before speaking up.

‘Thank you for telling me and being honest, Tony’ he says. Tony doesn’t really react to that. ‘I will prescribe you an antiemetic for the nausea, and please try to eat some more when it starts to feel better, okay? That will only make your body stronger. Keep taking care of yourself – I hope you will be seeing the physician you mentioned soon?’

‘Within a few days,’ Tony agrees; he hasn’t talked with Coulson yet so he doesn’t know exactly. ‘Yes, yes, I know, I will tell them about all the medicine I’ve been taking and everything else that’s been happening _here_ that might be useful. No, I won’t try to hide the fact that I’ve been taking the pills that keep me sane because I have no self-consciousness left for when I’m dying, well, no time to be silly for once –’

‘Okay, Tony, I get it, you will act like a grown-up. Good.’

‘Thanks, doc,’ Tony replies easily. It’s almost like being the old self.

‘Do you want to talk about anything?’

‘Oh, besides the obvious?’ Tony asks quickly and smirks. That’s as much as he can do about admitting that yet, there is a _very obvious thing_ he wants – needs? – to share.

So they talk. It’s easier and more cathartic than Tony has ever expected, as if with all the words he’s taking some of the weight off his chest, and for the first time ever he thinks _maybe, if I wasn’t to die in half a year and therefore had some time, I would try – this. But –no time._

Tony thanks Grayson offhandedly, flashing him the usual smile, but he knows that the man knows that he’s more grateful, and more sincere than he’s ever been. He tells the doctor that they are all moving to NY and asks what does that mean for – them. Grayson says it’s okay, since they only need to see each other once a month or in case of emergencies; Tony assures him he’ll send a jet and it takes only a bit over four hours to go from California to NY.

(Tony thinks that maybe the man would have offered a number to one of his colleagues on the eastern shore, but since it’s not a long-term engagement, and since Tony has confided in him like he did, the man probably feels – obliged. _Damn._ )

When the doctor is gone, Tony calls Coulson. Agents picks up after two signals.

‘Yes, Tony?’

‘I have a – thing. And a question. Or maybe a request.’

‘ _Yes_?’

‘It’s the kind of a thing that I don’t want to talk about over the phone,’ Tony admits, moving up to the balcony doors and opening them to breathe some fresh January air. ‘Come over? I have coffee.’

‘Is that an urgent matter? Because I’m in the other America right now,’ Coulson informs him in his usual flat voice that Tony has got used to. He considers.

‘Guess it could wait a few days.’

‘Oh, don’t take me wrong, I will be there tomorrow morning. The mission is done anyway, and I hate the temperatures here. Around noon?’

‘Sure,’ Tony replies and hangs up. He goes down to the workshop; Rhodey is already there, reviewing the final versions of all the files to be sent out to manufacturing. Tony says hello, drinks the one o’clock shake and goes back to the codes that he was writing before Pepper came the previous afternoon. A few of them are done in no time and Rhodey is finished with his reviews, so he drags Tony outside and they spend rest of the time until Pepper’s arrivals on a painfully boring but kind of pleasant wandering around the mansion’s gardens.

Apparently everyone in the household has taken to caring about Tony’s blood oxidation levels as their new priority (well, maybe after getting food into him, but not far behind.)

Pepper comes home tired and Tony is always more or less _tired_ these days, so after dinner they decide to go to rest early – not that any of them has illusions about falling asleep before their usual hours, but they end up just lying in the bed, cuddling and talking.

Tony is a bit less terrified of the last activity and Pepper seems glad; he tells her how the visit with Grayson went and when he mentions he’s _opened up_ to the man and it was okay, okay, she gives him a long kiss on the mouth and then moves to the rest of his face claiming that she shouldn’t keep him from breathing, although Tony can’t say he has anything against that.

At night, he wakes up a few times but it’s easy to fall asleep again, so he doesn’t mention anything at breakfast.

***

Coulson comes two minutes early, like his Agent-manual must tell him to. He smells strange, like rain and weird flowers and hot soil, but it makes sense when Tony learns that he came to see Tony straight from the jet; apparently he doesn’t do debriefs like some lower agents.

‘So, what’s the thing you’ve been so desperate to tell me?’

 _Desperate,_ Tony decides, _is a very accurate word_.

Tony has thought about how exactly he should approach the situation, but every scenario he made up in his mind was bad, so he’s decided to keep it simple.

‘I’ve got six months left,’ he states.

There are a few moments of heavy silence that for the first time between them seems – oppressive, and wrong. It feels like ages, even though Tony counts seconds. (It’s forty two before Coulson answers.)

‘I see.’

‘Oh, that’s _something_ ,’ Tony spits before he can stop himself, but it’s rather… spiritless. ‘Sorry?’

‘No need to apologize,’ Coulson replies, sounding _tired._ Tony does feel a pang of guilt at having rushed the man straight from his op, without any break. ‘Don’t even try,’ Agent adds as Tony is just about to verbalize his thoughts. ‘Why did you want to tell me that now?’

‘I’ve been – feeling a bit worse,’ Tony admits, since he has to tell the man the truth. ‘Pepper insists I see a doctor and we thought – Rhodey thought, of course – that it should be a S.H.I.E.L.D. man.’

‘Ah,’ Coulson just says and pauses again.

‘Ah, okay, fine – can you say something more? Give me some answer? Something?’

‘Tony, I – just give me a moment, okay? You just told me you will die in about six months and I need to _think_.’

‘What is there to think about?’ Tony asks, getting up ( _slowly_ ) and starting to walk there and back behind the sofa, tracing its cold leather back with his fingers. ‘What do you want to plan now? There is nothing that can be done, there, big thing, so just please tell me a name of someone who isn’t a half-assed doctor and we’re done –’

‘I know you like talking, Tony,’ Coulson replies sweetly and it’s just as creepy as Fury’s nice voice. ‘But please shut up now.’

‘Sure,’ Tony snorts. ‘I will be downstairs if you need me _at some point_ ,’ he adds and storms out of the room. He goes down to the workshop, asks JARVIS to play some music and takes the Rubik’s cube that he hasn’t managed to solve yet in his hands, concentrating on the tiny bumps under his fingertips.

‘I don’t think Agent Coulson was trying to annoy you, sir,’ the A.I. says a moment after Tony’s collapsed into his favorite armchair in the corner of the shop.

‘Oh, so what has your precious pet told you now?’ Tony snaps again; of course he shouldn’t be that mouthy because it’s not JARVIS’ fault, whatever it is, but he’s been on the edge for last few days, despite how lovely and supporting everyone has been. It’s just that he can’t just say _okay, so I’m dying, well, that happens_ , and there is nothing he actually _can_ do. So it’s fucking frustrating.

‘He actually said that S.H.I.E.L.D. technicians and doctors analyzed everything he’s told them after the first few meetings with you, and they estimated the palladium poisoning to be much slower and gave you what would be around a year of life now.’

‘Is that supposed to mean anything to me?’

‘Agent Coulson says they’ve been trying to find something that would – help you.’

‘Like they could,’ Tony murmurs. ‘Between me and you, especially you, J, and everything we’ve checked, there isn’t anything to be found.’

‘I wouldn’t dismiss any help right now, sir. We are in no position to do so. And Agent Coulson says they’ve been researching, but they thought there was much more time and that he will _speed things up_ when he is back on base. He also requests a permission to enter the workshop.’

‘Oh, just let him in,’ Tony sighs and gives JARVIS a wave, but doesn’t pretend _not_ to be exhausted – both physically and mentally, yeah, self-confession time – as he sits slumping in the soft chair.

‘We need you,’ Agent says as soon as he is in the room, spotting Tony straight away.

‘More than you think,’ Tony counters lazily, in the best Stark fashion.

‘Maybe you’re right. If you feel up to it, you can go on Helicarrier with me and I’ll have someone waiting for us. Or you could come in tomorrow –’

‘Today is fine – am I supposed to ride in one of those tiny helicopters of yours?’

‘We’ve got a jet close by. But you get into the suit, and take colonel Rhodes, since he is your next of kin,’ Coulson adds tonelessly, but Tony can just imagine his little smirk. ‘ETA forty minutes, the ship is close by, your colonel knows,’ he adds and walks out, leaving Tony to the echo of his shoes. JARVIS informs Rhodey about the change of plans for the day and they suit up.

***

Coulson meets them in the Suit Room, as everyone has apparently started to call the place where the armors are left, and leads them to a part of Helicarrier that is completely new to Tony. The corridors and elevators are empty and Tony can’t _not_ marvel at how Coulson managed to organize it all in a bit over half an hours. But then, the agents are probably bound to be quick-reacting and obedient enough.

‘Victoria Bell, M.D.,’ Coulson introduces Tony after they’ve entered an almost hospital-scented room.

‘Good that I’ve been on my shift anyway, Agent, you’d have hard time dragging me away from my rest,’ the woman replies. She sounds… middle-aged, that’s as far as Tony can guess before he gets a description from JARVIS, along with a very brief overview from her personal file from the S.H.I.E.L.D. database. What means the A.I. looks out for him, like always.

 _Fifty two, Caucasian, dark blonde hair, tall and slim, wearing a S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform instead of doctor’s gown_ , JARVIS’ voice fills Tony in quickly and efficiently and without distracting him too much describes briefly the room they are in. Which is definitely not a regular doctor’s office, but something that resembles a full-blown mini hospital, with all the medical devices that might come in handy waiting patiently to be used. The only missing thing is an operating table, but that must be a separate room because of the sterilization issues, Tony figures. It seems that S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t like doing things by halves either.

‘We’ll talk first, Mister Stark,’ she states and takes his hand to drag him to a chair.

Tony answers all the questions obediently and as honestly as he is able to allow himself, which in truth _is_ pretty honest. Doctor Bell asks for clarifications and hums and writes things with a scratching pen that makes Tony wince just the tiniest bit. They discuss his physical recovery and then the mental one and he tells her everything she might need to know about Grayson and everything they’ve been – working on together. She hums some more and orders him to strip down to his boxers, what he obediently does, still a bit surprised with how little everyone seems to care about the fact that he’s taking N06 and C02 pills to stay stable. He kind of still expects some kind of a – prejudice? stigmatization? something?

‘No good, no good at all,’ she murmurs as he steps down a scale, frowning. ‘BMI barely in acceptable range, but with those muscle percentage of yours, you should weigh a few good pounds more to be on the healthy side. We’ll figure something out about that eating troubles of yours. Put your pants on, keep the shirt off. I need to look at the trinket in your chest, okay?’

Tony does as he’s told and sits down on the chair again when the doctor types something on her laptop. Rhodey, who’s been sitting in the back with his tablet, silently and unobtrusively, stands and walks up to Tony, standing behind him when the doctor finishes her work and moves to examine the reactor. She must give the colonel a questioning look, because he just says:

‘I will stay close when you’re looking at _that._ ’

There is another round of questions and prodding and at the end Tony feels like a five-year-old who’s been bribed into being a good kid by a promise of a lollipop or something similar. He almost expects Doctor Bell to call him a brave boy, but she only keeps to _Stark_.

‘Does it hurt to keep you back straight?’ she asks in the end, moving behind his chair as Rhodey moves to the front, his hands still in contact with Tony’s body, giving him constant silent reassurance.

‘Like, _chest out, girls_? For longer than a couple of minutes, yes. It’s been getting better with exercises. Sometimes hurts when I’m in a not completely comfortable position for too long.’

‘And does that happened often?’ she asks, but the questions is not directed at Tony.

‘Not too often,’ Rhodey replies. ‘He never says anything about it hurting, though.’

She hums again and proceeds with some more examinations and when they are finally done, having also analyzed JARVIS-provided medical history and all the results of the tests that Tony’s been doing during the last few months, mostly on toxin levels, she tells him that she’ll need to talk it all over with a few colleagues, but there are a few things that can be done immediately.

‘I’ll give you painkillers and something antiemetic. And an appetite simulant. I will see you in two weeks, okay? Unless something happens, then let me know, obviously. You are to give all info you _can_ share to the R &D – I am to assure you that it will be available only to restricted number of specialists, and they will try their best to figure something out while we doctors try to do something on our end. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ Tony replies cheerfully, with a salute, but they all know that he’s just tired of all the talking and everything. He feels pretty – lifeless.

‘I want you to put at least four pounds before I see you again, okay?’

‘I’ll try,’ Tony replies. Because well, it completely depends on if the medicines work or not.

‘What symptoms do we have to look out for now, mostly?’ Rhodey cuts in before Tony can get up, say goodbye and _finally_ go home.

‘Hmm. Palladium poisoning? Cough, rash, runny nose, breathing difficulty, nasal congestion. Low blood oxidation, well, dizziness, headaches, disorientation, short breath, fatigue, nausea. The possible side effects of your medicine you know well. Experiencing any of those?’

‘Not really,’ Tony replies, because he’s rather sure that the nausea comes from the chlorophyll shakes and not from the pills. There is a pretty direct connection between the first two. ‘Any last words before I disappear into the maze of corridors, hide in my suit and go home to do science? You must have some experience – what do dying people usually do?’

‘The closer they are to actually dying, the more they think about their last meal, Stark,’ she replies drily. He can guess why Coulson would choose her.

‘I like you,’ Tony decides, even if he’s not completely comfortable with joking about his own death, but he feels like he’ll get there soon enough. Since most of his life has been one big joke anyway.

When they get out of the room, there is a familiar voice greeting them.

‘Hello,’ Agent Barton says easily, a bit too close for Tony to feel comfortable, but the man steps back as soon as Rhodey closes the door behind himself. ‘Coulson went to sleep. He sent me to inform you that the R&D guys will be waiting for your message with specs for whatever, he didn’t tell me, but apparently it’s important.’

‘Hello, errand boy,’ Tony says and snickers, learning from JARVIS that Barton has purple clothes on himself _again_. ‘Are you?’

‘Kind of. Between ops. Sometimes. Coulson likes to use us, his poor pets.’

‘That sounds so wrong,’ Rhodey says before Tony can even think _kinky_. ‘But never mind. I will remind him to send the specs as soon as we’re home,’ Rhodey replies.

_Of course. No need to tell everyone that JARVIS is observing and listening to them anyway._

The colonel gives Tony his arm despite the fact that he could just get around by himself, but what the hell. He’s too tired for concentrating.

‘And besides, that’s some _great_ coffee you give Coulson, please count me in for the next shipment!’ Barton calls after them. Tony thinks he might consider it.

***

When they are home, Tony gets out of the suit and goes straight to bedroom, despite the fact that it’s still afternoon, but he feels – bad. He takes all the new pills he’s been given and hopes they will work, drinks as much of his a bit overdue shake as he’s able to and lays down in bed.

Then he doesn’t really get out for over a week. Besides bathroom trips.

It’s just – too difficult. It’s not like at the beginning, not like back when he simply wasn’t feeling the motivation to get up and move. Now he has a bit _too much_ motivation. Time, time, time, he obsesses about time, counts seconds and minutes and hours again, thinking how much he has left, thinking how long it will be before he’s not there and the world goes on without him and it’s – scary. He is terrified, he’s admitted that to himself and even to the others, in a way, but that’s a paralyzing fear.

And he is just – tired. Physically, sure; he keeps waking up with a permanent headache and grasping for air, limbs feeling useless.

Pepper and Rhodey and Happy try to coerce him into getting out, moving, going somewhere, hell, flying, anything – but he _can’t._ He does take his pills, all five of them and then six and the aches ease a little bit, but there is always some lingering discomfort that doesn’t let him relax. They make him keep drinking the shakes and eat five meals a day and since the medicine seems to be working and for the first time in weeks he doesn’t feel nauseous, he manages to eat properly; between that and his complete lack of activity he knows he must be putting on some weight, even if it’s just body fat that he apparently needs. _So at least I won’t fail at one of the million things I was supposed to do._

JARVIS finishes the last code lines basing them on Tony’s drafts, sends them to S.H.I.E.L.D. and keeps the world running. Whenever the bedroom window is closed, the A.I. raises the oxygen percentage in the air and it’s a bit easier and a bit better, the breathing and the headaches. He gives Tony updates on how is manufacturing all the parts going, orders food that he thinks Tony might like and plays his favorite playlists.

JARVIS also tells him that the easiest way to decrease the exposure to palladium is simply not flying in the suit. At all.

Of course Tony has known that and JARVIS has known that he did and all the crap. And it probably isn’t the best time to make such an announcement and they both are aware, but Tony needs the honesty.

(So he’ll never fly again, unless he wants to create more risks to his _delicate health_ – fuck, fuck, fuck, that’s been the only freedom that he’s really had, okay?)

After two days, Pepper calls Grayson and Bell and they have a teleconference of some kind and from Tony gathers they decide that he’s a hopeless case. In Pepper-speak, he’s been pushing it too hard, trying to do too much at once – even if it felt amazing and it worked for some time, such a complete change of lifestyle is not an easy thing. So he’s collapsed. So okay. Grayson tells her to give him a bigger does of sertraline, but it will take a few days to kick in.

Everyone is there for Tony and it’s kind of funny and pathetic and embarrassing, Rhodey and Happy and Pepper take turns in being around him. Silently. But always there.

The two men are _manly_ and handle things with bets poker face behavior. That’s what Tony calls it since he can’t really determine if they practice they poker faces for real.

Pepper keeps laying down next to him and telling him that everything will be okay, that they will be okay. She tells him she could just drop SI and go with him wherever he might want, if that’s what would make him happier. Tony doesn’t really reply, so she stays just there, next to him. She takes her phones in the bedroom and taps on her tablet for hours on his left, but Tony doesn’t really mind.

For a few brief moments, Tony does consider simply killing himself, meds overdose, that would be easy, that would be like he’s always thought it _could be_. But that’s just some thoughts, and he discards them as soon as Pepper comes home after a long day again, with French fries and mini pies from Tony’s favorite place. He eats with her even though the food doesn’t taste nearly as good as it does on the road. She laughs and it makes him crack a small grin.

But – he’s just exhausted of pretending, okay? That he’s all right, that he’s coping, that things are getting better, that it can be like it was _before_ (all of that painfully proves to be an illusion every evening and morning, honestly, when he dreads the water touching his head and neck as much as he did back in the cave, and there is no curing that. And if there was a cure – there is no time.)

Tony realizes he loves Pepper more than anyone ever and therefore knows perfectly well how much it will hurt her when he dies, but he’s too selfish to push her away and it doesn’t make things any easier. They kiss and he holds her and when she doesn’t mind that he stinks. He decides she’s a saint to balance his fucked-up self. And that certainly he doesn’t deserve that patience.

***

Then, after ten days (Tony counts, he always does), Coulson calls. Just like that.

‘We have a thing that will help you for now, Tony, I will send someone over there tomorrow – and Director says he might have something that could help you _permanently_ , but you’re the only one that can solve the puzzle.’

Tony nods, but of course it gets lost on the phone.

‘Take care, Tony. We need you more than _you_ think,’ Coulson adds and disconnects.

Tony knows that he was very close to _never_ getting out of that bed, but then he does. He knows it’s foolish to hope – but he cleans himself up a bit, puts on some fresh clothes, and then _waits_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve sped up certain events a bit in comparison to MCU, but I hope that you feel it’s justified by the circumstances present here (as in Tony’s less-than-ideal mental state, lack of exercise/activity for some time at the beginning, and the medicine he’s taking – all of those things would make a negative difference when it comes to the palladium poisoning timing...) Be prepared for some important moments is the next chapter :)


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented, I really love you all for leaving me your precious words. I'm hoping to get my first 100 with this chapter :)
> 
> The next chapter is giving me nightmares. I've been trying to write it for a few days and it's not even halfway done - it usually takes me a day or two at most, and I had to write a completely detached one shot to clear my mind and get away from the mess I've created (it will be up today or tomorrow, if you want to read :p)  
> But I am quite sure chapter 17 will be posted on Wednesday anyway.

 

Pepper comes back from work in the afternoon and when she sees him sitting by the kitchen island and playing absentmindedly with the Rubik’s cube is his hands, she comes up and gives him a long kiss.

‘Tony?’ she asks, without verbalizing anything more.

‘Coulson called,’ he tells her, putting the cube away. ‘He said they – might have something. That will help me. And that he’ll have a _puzzle_ to solve for me, you know, if I solve the puzzle I might live, whatever that was supposed to mean.’

‘Oh. I just hope it works,’ she murmurs into his ear. ‘But – it already has, right? Since you’re out of bed. You can’t believe how happy I am to see you like this,’ she adds and gives him another kiss. ‘Very well. I think we’ll have Happy make us some burgers outside, it’s a pretty warm day for this time of the year.’

‘You all really don’t have to make it a celebration every time I manage to do something normal people do every single day,’ Tony informs her. There have been so many times like that, and he’s even stopped being embarrassed, but he still doesn’t really understand why would they bother.

‘I want to,’ Pepper counters easily. ‘And I want a burger. And you need to eat and you need all the fresh air you can get. So it’s a plan.’

‘If you say so.’

They get up and go outside. Happy does make the burgers and Tony helps Pepper with making the salad – the dressing, to be precise – and his hands feel awfully weak after whisking the vinegar and mustard for a few minutes.

‘You look better, boss,’ Happy tells him as he sets the plate in front of Tony. ‘Kind of pale, but you’ll have some Californian sun to remedy that next few days, according to weather forecast.’

‘Oh boy,’ Tony sighs, but he does smile a bit.

‘The man is right,’ Rhodey adds as he steps out of the house, straight back from Helicarrier. ‘You look kind of pale – good to see you cleaned up nicely, by the way. Coulson said he’s sending two agents to tell you everything about their miracle stuff, since he’s out on an op somewhere in Asia. Okay?’

‘J, note that. Let the poor agents in.’

‘Noted, sir. Do I need to have some coffee prepared?’

‘No, no need, babe,’ Tony decides and resumes eating. It’s a nice change, for once, being able to eat all of his food. Even if it feels a bit strange in his stomach as it’s more food at once that he’s grown used to, but he doesn’t mind.

***

The next morning Tony realized it’s only three weeks to the – anniversary. _Unavoidable_.

JARVIS gives him an update on everything he’s done when Tony’s been _worse_ (not that he is better, now, it’s still so difficult to move his limbs and he feels heavy and scared, but this time he doesn’t let himself give in. No, no and no.) The Mansion’s renovations are almost done, just a few minor things. All the electronics for the A.I. ready. Furniture waiting to be installed in the rooms they all choose to stay in. Food order still standing. And the codes all finished and sent out.

‘So what do we have on pending, J?’ Tony asks to pass the time, since he doesn’t know when exactly the agents will come.

‘Mostly the tower projects, sir – the big arc reactor prototype will be ready in a week. Tests are scheduled, and if they go well, we’ll have a green light for a self-sustaining power source for the building.’

‘It will be ready in a _week_? Wow, I haven’t realized that so much time has passed. Somehow. Or – did you _insist_ the prototype be done _very quickly_?’

‘I might have, sir. It only seemed right, and it was possible.’

‘Oh, sweetheart, you’re amazing.’

‘You too, sir,’ JARVIS replies and Tony laughs. Laughing doesn’t seem all that natural, but well, it hasn’t for a long time. ‘The agents have just crossed the gate, they will be here in two minutes.’

It’s Sunday so Pepper is at home and she comes down as soon as she’s presumably informed by JARVIS that the _guests_ are coming.

They are there in two minutes.

‘Agent Romanov, Agent –’

‘Strand.’

‘Agent Strand, thanks for coming,’ Pepper greets the two people. Tony listens to JARVIS’ brief description of them, with the comm in his hear, but glasses off as he doesn’t need them in the house. They shake hands with Tony; the man’s hand is warm and soft, so he must be the medical support. The woman’s hand is small and full of callouses, which Tony can respect.

‘Well, I just wanted to greet you, but since I’ve got some work to catch up on, I’ll leave you to yourself,’ Pepper says. ‘Nice to see you again, Agent Romanov. I’m glad Phil sent you.’

‘Thank you, Miss Potts – Stark?’

‘Tony,’ he correct her.

‘ _Tony_ then. Can we sit somewhere?’

‘Sure,’ Tony answers and leads them to the sitting room. ‘Coffee? Tea? Anything?’ he asks, thinking that being such a good host would make Pepper proud.

‘Later.’

‘So, you know everything about the toy in my chest?’

‘As much as we need to know,’ Strand replies. ‘We have some things back in the car that you might want to see – you’ll have to find someplace you could work on analyzing all that –’

‘Things?’

‘Some of your father’s things.’

Tony blinks and sighs, leaning back. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel like he’s ready for all of that. His father and his stuff are the last things that he wants to trouble himself with right now. Or ever, honestly.

Then, it’s – a blur.

Someone moves, Tony hears _no_ and _what the fuck are you–_ and he feels somebody’s hands on his neck and feels a needle piercing his skin and tries to wriggle out, move away from the touch but –

(it’s a _blur_ , it’s flashes, it’s like being back in the cave with someone’s hands in his chest and giving him shots with the same needle for days and days and he can feel all the bruises and mini-hematomas, and it smells like the sand and cold moist air and he just can think _no, no, no, that’s not supposed to happen_ , it’s a fucking confusion and he’s terrified and he can’t do anything –)

‘It’s okay, clam down. Breathe. Breathe, steady…’ a voice whispers into his ear, a strange soft female voice, and it doesn’t sound bad, it doesn’t feel wrong, it doesn’t have any accent at all, and Tony thinks he can trust it.

‘Steady. Breathe in, out. In. It’s okay. I’ve got you –’

‘Tony?!’ another voice shouts, and there are fast and loud steps and Tony thinks he recognized it, even if it’s fogged and distant. ‘What. Is. Happening. Here?!’ the same voice asks firmly, and Tony is sure he knows it. _It’s safe_.

There are familiar soft cold hands taking his and Tony shakes his head and tries to focus on it and not the burning heat on the surface of the rest of his skin.

‘Are you with me, Tony?’

(He is not quite sure) but he manages to nod. _Pepper_ , he connects the dots in the end. _My Pepper_. _Why is she here?_

‘I believe Mister Stark has just experienced a flashback –’ the other feminine voice says; Tony is still not sure what’s happening, it’s hard to breathe with the sudden ache in his chest.

‘ _Why_?’ Pepper growls and Tony’s instincts tells him that it doesn’t mean anything good.

The other voice explains, and it’s something about lithium dioxide and palladium poisoning and cures, and something about warnings and consent, and Pepper wraps his arms around him and seems even more angry. Tony manages to relax a bit and it’s easier to breathe and everything seems to start to clear.

‘Get out,’ Pepper tells someone; there are sounds of steps and closed doors. ‘Why the hell haven’t _you_ done _something_?’

( _It’s scary,_ Tony thinks, _being immersed in the darkness._ )

‘I _did_ tell him to inject it after Stark’s been informed about all details and aware of what we’re doing, but he’s just moved there and done that straight away and I. Don’t. Know. Why. Okay?’ the other feminine voice replies, sounding distressed, and Tony starts to remember that it is – it’s the agent, right? The redhead – her name it still fuzzy, but that must be her. ‘I’m sorry. I really am. I’m telling Coulson that he’s disobeyed and order and did something he shouldn’t. It’s going to be _hell_ back at S.H.I.E.L.D.’

‘It better be,’ Pepper replies angrily and tightens the embrace. ‘Tony? ‘ she whispers into his ear. ‘Can you understand me? Do you knows what has just happened?’

He nods yet again, suddenly feeling – embarrassed, suddenly remembering clearly. It’s a mystery how that happens, but he remembers the flashbacks that he _hasn’t been having_ last few months. The ones back at the beginning, just like the nightmares, the memories burnt under his eyelids.

It feels much worse, knowing that this time – when Tony thought it was all over, honestly – there was someone else to see how _pathetic_ he is. Was. How he whimpers and how me almost cries and how he shouts _no_ and _please_ and words in any languages he thought they might understand (he is not sure he did that, but that’s a pretty good guess.) He’s been at peace with his newfound _family_ or even Grayson and Chiara seeing him broken like this, but she is someone else. And it’s embarrassing. It’s awful.

He just wants to fucking move and hide somewhere, but Pepper’s still keeping him in place, and he knows he’s overreacting but he can’t stop himself from that, _sure, let’s hyperventilate, as if you didn’t have enough breathing problems already –_

‘Hey,’ Romanov speaks up and moves closer to him. ‘Calm down. It’s okay. I’ve seen PTSD. I’ve – I’ve had those flashbacks myself. I know how it feels, you know? It’s all right. We’ve all been there.’

(Somehow, it’s easy to believe her and Tony does so, even though he remembers that it could be really good acting and nothing more. But her voice is calm and slow and exactly what he needs now.)

‘Focus on your body,’ she says. ‘Tell me if you feel any different. Despite how _unfortunate_ the injection was, I wonder if you can feel any better –’

‘Yes,’ Tony replies truthfully, paying attention to his body as she asks. He accepts the attention diversion technique, but decided to go with it. It feels like the slight tingling sensation is gone, and the headache has eased and he just feels – lighter. Relaxed. Better. ‘It does work,’ he repeats. Pepper sighs in relief and gives him a squeeze before letting go of him – well, not completely, since she still keeps his hand in hers. ‘Lithium dioxide?’

‘Mhm,’ Romanov confirms. ‘I will send Strand back to the base, let him talk to Coulson himself when he’s back – he’s never done such stupid things, really. Is there anyone in the house who could carry the cases to wherever you’d like the things placed?’

‘What things?’ Pepper asks from Tony’s right, and he wonders if this time the explanation will be a bit more detailed before someone acts like they want to steal his kidney _again_. But – it’s easier not to think about that.

‘We have two cases in which we’ve placed some of Howard Stark’s old journals and tapes, as they contain unfinished projects and a lot of information that we couldn’t quite figure – everything we’ve tried, with the poisoning… Nothing will work. But Mister Stark knows this.’

(Funny how he’s not _Tony_ anymore, but he thinks he can guess her reasons.)

‘I told you just that –’

‘But there are some notes in your father's journals that look – promising, I was said. But they are incomplete and lack clarifications and details and contain some references that no one can understand, and we thought that you’re the only one who has the chance to decoding it all. Since you’ve known your father’s way of working best. I know that it might not be the most pleasant thing for you, but you really should look at all that. And Director Fury said – that Howard thought you were the only one with the means and the knowledge to finish his projects – this project.’

‘I will,’ he assures the agent (since _when_ did Fury even know Howard?) Even if he didn’t want to, Pepper would make him. Or JARVIS, well, more likely JARVIS. ‘Just, I – I need some rest, okay?’ he admits, feeling weak. He _hates_ feeling weak but then hey, that’s just what he is.

‘Of course –’

‘Happy will help you with the cases or whatever, tell Happy, okay, Pepper? Put them down in workshop, well, by the door. JARVIS will tell me everything I need to know.’

‘S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted me to stay with you,’ Romanov adds quietly, and while it’s quiet, she doesn’t sound apologetic or anything like that. Tony likes that. They can pretend nothing has happened, maybe.

‘Why would they?’ he asks, because he’s honestly curious. Pepper stirs beside him, but doesn’t’ speak up.

‘They want someone to keep an eye on you while you’re figuring out your _riddle_. And to be between you and S.H.I.E.L.D. And monitor how your body responds to the lithium dioxide treatment, I’ve been instructed what to look for –’

‘JARVIS could do all of those things, easily,’ Pepper cuts in. Tony has to agree. ‘And he could send you all the data that you might need.’

‘Of course he could. You want a real answer?’

‘Sure.’

‘Coulson wants me to keep an eye on you. He’s taken a liking to you, however ludicrous that might be – and he won’t be back for at least two weeks.’

‘So _you_ are the other one of his goons,’ Tony guesses and laughs lightly. ‘That’s precious.’

‘He _is_ worried.’

‘But why would he send one of his best agents to _babysit_ me?’ Tony has to ask, because as much as he can believe that Coulson wants an eye on him (and Fury wants that, too by extension, he guesses), this part doesn’t make much sense.

‘Ah. That. I’ve had broken wrist. Out of commission for a few weeks, doing only the – light jobs. Beside, I’m primarily in infiltration, and any – _body work_ just comes in as a bonus.’

‘Well, what can I say – Pepper, do you trust her?’ Tony asks, turning to the woman on his right. Still.

‘You ask _me_ if I trust her?’

‘You know her _somehow_.’

‘She was one of the agents S.H.I.E.L.D. sent after that day with – Stane, remember? There were a few of them to pick everyone up. Agent Romanov stayed with me until I was going back home…’

‘I could keep you,’ Tony decides on a whim, because why not. It’s just a few weeks before they move anyway, hmm? And the house is big enough for them not to bump into each other, especially that whatever puzzle he might be given, it will probably be workshop job and no one enters the shop just like that.

‘You don’t mind what the other agent has done? You trust her – not to?’ Pepper inquires, giving him a quick kiss in the cheek.

‘I’m quite sure Miss Romanov will not do anything suspicious if I assure her I will be observing her every movement now,’ JARVIS quips in. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t stop agent Strand, sir –’

‘It’s cool, J,’ Tony cuts in, smiling at the ceiling. ‘It was just a fraction of second. Don’t get your panties in a twist, baby… We should get to work anyway. After lunch? What time is it?’

‘It’s one eighteen. I believe there is pasta salad and cheesecake that would be suitable for a lunch meal. Is that acceptable?’

‘You know what I like, J,’ Tony replies and gets up (still slowly.) ‘Agent, go get that things with Happy, leave them by the workshop entrance. I’ll have my bots get them inside. You can have the third guest room on the first floor, Pepper, show the lady? I will set the table.’

(Tony is nowhere near hungry and he can still feel the weight in his stomach and can almost smell the blood mixed with sand and mold, but it’s okay. He can do it. With the antiemetic, even drinking the shakes is easier.)

***

After lunch Tony goes down to the workshop and has Butterfingers take the cases inside – there are two, one big and one small, labeled with _property of H. Stark_. Tony sits on the floor and opens the small one, but there is nothing but documents inside. Papers, papers, papers.

‘J? What is this?’ he asks, holding some of the pieces up, so that the A.I. could see more easily.

‘Those appear to be S.H.I.E.L.D. related documents, sir – I see there is a recent one in the case, with a date of just a few days ago and Director Fury’s signature.’

‘Wonder what’s that about – later…’ Tony murmurs and sets the case aside for now, moving to open the other one. There are several different items inside this one and Tony tries to guess what they are, running his hands through the contents. There are papers, lots of papers, some rolled in tubes, some tucked into envelopes, _the glossy ones – photographs_ , two flat round plastic containers…

‘J? List me everything we’ve got here,’ Tony states after a few moments, having laid out the contents on the floor around himself.

‘There is an arc reactor blueprint – the big tube, newspaper cutouts, three journals, several photographs, a few maps and random prints, Stark Expo program booklets, the papers you took out from the envelopes are more documents and specs. And two film rolls, 16 mm and 8 mm.’

‘Film rolls?’ Tony wonders, running his hands along the edges of the cases. ‘Hmm. Any description?’

‘Nothing that would say something about the contents, sir. Just stickers with technical properties and brand name.’

‘Dummy!’ Tony calls the bot, who chirps questioningly and rolls closer to him. ‘Go to the storage room, get me everything I need to watch those tapes – JARVIS will direct you. Be quick,’ he adds, patting the bot and then pushing him delicately. Dummy moves away towards the other end of the room and Tony waits a few minutes before the bot is back.

With JARVIS’ help, Tony manages to play the 16 mm first, but it’s just more footage from Stark Expo, with a narrator describing the event and the space. Tony watches to all the twenty-something minutes, but he can’t see how it’s supposed to be important, so he moves to the 8 mm. The roll of film is small, so Tony can presume that it’s much shorter.

‘Everything is achievable through technology,’ Howards voice starts when Tone gives JARVIS thumb up and the video is played. ‘Better living, robust health and for the first time in human history – the possibility of world peace. I'm Howard Stark and everything you'll need for the future can be found right here. City of the Future? City of Tomorrow? City of…’ The voice trails off, sounding a bit confused, there are some step sounds, and Howards is on again. ‘I'm Howard Stark and everything you'll need in the future can be found right here. So, from all of us at Stark Industries I would like to personally…’ There is a s quiet noise in the background and a brief pause. ‘Tony, what are you doing back there? What is that? Put that back! Put it back where you got it from. Where's your mother? Maria? Go on. Go, go, go, go!’ The sounds is finished, the scenes flicker, Tony can guess, a movie cut. ‘Are you waiting on me?’ Howard asks, before drinking something, there is a short ping and Howards talks some nonsense again. Tony still doesn’t get what’s so important about all of that.

Then there is a short moment of silence on the film and some more steps, and Howard speaks up again, in a completely different tone, quieter, calmer.

‘Tony. You're too young to understand this right now so I thought I would put it on film for you,’ a breath, short pause, ‘I built this for you, and someday you'll realize that it represents a whole lot more than just people's inventions. It represents my life's work. This is the key to the future. I'm limited by the technology of my time but one day you'll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world.’

 _What is the damn key to the future thing?_ Tony asks himself, because he knows it’s the introduction to one of the Expos, he can even remember Howard scolding him when he picked up that piece from the model. But then Howard finishes his speech and the noises die.

‘What is and always will be my greatest creation is you.’

Howard, for once, _does_ sound sincere, but Tony can’t stop himself from snorting anyway. _Yeah, sure, just say that now_ , dad. _Good one_.

But apparently, whatever the key to the future is, this is the puzzle that Tony is supposed to solve to save his fucking life. He has just no idea how and why and what exactly is going on, but since there is no one who could answer his questions, he figures he is stuck with Howard.

‘J, I need to you describe me everything that’s going on in the video. The last part – the one when he talks to _me_. Okay? Just go slowly.’

JARVIS obeys his words and describes everything in as much detail as Tony needs, and well, it doesn’t help much, because apparently the whole fuss _is_ about that 1974 Stark Expo model. Only that Tony has no fucking idea how that might be representing Howard’s life work and something that would change the world, since it’s just lots of plastic pieces, buildings and trees and Belgian waffle stands.

Tony massages his temples, feeling a faint headache despite being otherwise better – _thank you, lithium dioxide_ – and wonders what the hell is he supposed to do now.

‘J, is the model still in my office in Los Angeles? Well, Pepper’s office?’

‘It was moved to a storage room in the basement of the building, sir.’

‘I need it here, J, ASAP –’

‘It will be delivered tomorrow morning, sir. I believe Miss Potts is calling you to go upstairs, apparently there will be a homemade dinner today and she says she requires your help.’

Tony grimaces and sighs, because he doesn’t feel like eating, he only wants to do some work and find out what the whole Expo model thing is about and what he is supposed to do with that, he should have known, of course, once he gets starts on something it’s difficult to tear his thought away from the project.

But if Pepper insists – he knows she would make him rest even if the model was in Malibu by the evening. No all-night-long engineering anymore.

Agent Romanov calls him Mister Stark again and he kept telling her _Tony, Tony, Tony_ until she does call him his name and says he should call her Natasha then. He is used to being on a name basis with half or complete strangers, so it’s nothing special (and sure, he would worry about letting someone is the house after – what’s happened, but he has complete trust in JARVIS’ abilities to deal with threats, if the woman wanted to do anything. The A.I. was apologizing to him all afternoon, for not catching the other agent’s behavior sooner, and Tony told him each time that it’s not his fault. He’s not sure JARVIS really got it, the overprotective little thing.)

***

At night, Tony is not at all surprised to be woke up by Pepper a few times, remembering the drea– nightmares perfectly. He has expected them to be triggered by the flashback, that was obvious, and not even the medicine could help since the visions are _so fucking vivid_. Tony wakes up feeling the sand under his skin again and imagining the bright light and white-orange dunes and he’s all sweaty and breathing heavily but it’s so much easier when Pepper is there to catch him every single time.

He concentrates on her voice over the wind’s howling and explosions, grateful that he can hear her.

At four Pepper decides that falling asleep in pointless and, despite Tony’s protests and declarations that he will be all right on his own and that she should rest, she drags him out of the bed and to the kitchen and makes them both hot cocoa with whipped cream and they stay on the sofa, limbs tangles, until it’s seven, time for Tony’s first breakfast.

The model arrives a few minutes after nine, when Tony has just finished the morning workout. Rhodey is up on Helicarrier again and Happy is… somewhere around, since Pepper has gone for the day to Phoenix and needed a jet and not a car. Romanov – Natasha – is nowhere to be seen.

‘The arc reactor prototype has been successfully assembled just a few hours ago in the factory, ahead of the deadline, sir. It’s ready to be tested,’ JARVIS tells Tony as he enters the workshop.

‘Oh. Yes. I almost forgot again – I want Rhodey to be there for the kick-off, like we decided – remind me to talk to him when he gets here, okay?’

‘Of course, sir. What do you have in plans for today.’

‘Why, the key to the future of course, J. Don’t play silly. Get Dummy and Butterfingers to assemble it on the floor, wherever we have space. By the cars?’

The robots do what they are told, taking the four big pieces from in front of the workshop where they were put by the delivery men and putting them together on the floor; it takes just a few minutes before Tony kneels in front of the model and takes a few breaths (it’s still easy, not as easy as the previous afternoon, but he’s supposed to be given a dose of the lithium dioxide every twenty four hours for now.) Then he lets his hands run through the model again and again and again, taking in every detail, every single piece, every bump and hole, all the textures and materials and everything he can make out.

He has some vague memories of how the model – _looks_ like, it’s been in his office for ages, but Tony has never really paid attention to it. It’s just like seeing someone every single day and not being able to tell what eye color they have; taking in the big things and missing all the details, and Tony is quite sure the details must be kind of important here. He wishes he could just ask JARVIS to make him a hologram, so that he could manipulate the projection and ask the A.I. to highlight and change the visual for him, so that it would be much easier to – understand whatever he is supposed to understand.

‘The key to the future…’ Tony murmurs to himself again, moving on his knees around the model, surely getting the trousers dirty, not that he minds. ‘What the _fuck_ is the key to the future? What and I even looking for?’ J. Describe this to me, everything I can’t –’

‘Shall I start with the colors, sir?’

‘Somehow I doubt Howard would be even interested in the colors, but hell with it. Let’s give it a try. Talk to me,’ Tony orders and JARVIS does, describing him all the colors and designs and ornaments and giving Tony numbers, heights and lengths and depths, all the dimensions and spaces and everything. Really.

Tony tries to combine what JARVIS tells him and what he’s managed to figure out by himself, re-creating the model in his head, but he’s still nowhere near guessing what the _riddle_ is and what Howard meant when he said _I'm limited by the technology of my time but one day you'll figure this out._

‘Sorry, _dad_ , apparently you weren’t _right_ when you said I was brilliant enough to figure this fucking thing out,’ Tony mutters around the glass that Dummy pressed into his hand just a moment earlier.

Rhodey drags him out of the workshop as soon as he’s back in the house and almost locks him out on the terrace, insisting that Tony need some fresh air. Tony doesn’t protest too much because his knees hurt, his back and neck ache and his fingers feel funny from all the running them through surfaces, almost as if he’s manages to scrape off the skin, even if that’s some exaggeration.

In the evening Tony calls Coulson. Agent apologized for what’s happened and promises him that Strand will have a talk with him, and asks what does he think about Natasha. Tony hasn’t seen her in two days, she must have been playing a ninja or hiding somewhere, and he doesn’t have much to say.

‘I need to talk to Fury,’ he tells the man in the end. If the Director knew his father (according to the small case documents, however crazy that might sound, Howard being a founding member of S.H.I.E.L.D.) then maybe he could tell Tony _something._ To his surprise, Coulson agrees and Fury’s on the line a moment later.

He says that if there is any way Tony could be – cured, saved, whatever – is to figure out what Howard has hidden in the model, as he’s said many times, repeatedly, that just like its name said, it’s _the key to the future._ And that whatever it is, it was supposed to help powering the arc reactor, because that was Howards greatest dream, almost free energy, self-sustaining energy sources.

That much Tony knew himself – but the way Fury says it makes him wonder what exactly would make the arc reactor low-cost. There is so much to that technology that is incredibly expensive that Tony doesn’t know where to start, really. He tells Director that he’ll do his best and disconnects. Maybe good night’s sleep would help him clear his mind, he hopes –

– it doesn’t, but at least Tony feels less tired (the lithium dioxide really does take the edge off, even if Tony is forced to feel like a powerless child since Pepper and Rhodey insist to be close to him when Natasha gives him the injection; he’s kind of glad but it’s still  embarrassing) so he goes back to work straight away.

Rhodey makes a ride to the factory to start the arc reactor that he’s been supervising, together with JARVIS, since the very beginning. Tony is a bit skeptical at the moment, wondering if whatever he is supposed to discover could change the whole tech yet some more.

He spends the whole day in workshop, with music blaring and JARVIS sparring with him verbally; it’s a good feeling. Tony loves when the A.I. does that. But the only conclusion that Tony arrives at is that the biggest problem with the arc reactor is the core that gets depleted too soon to make it efficient. And the core is palladium in the big reactor, just like in the small one.

 _So, presumably, an element_.

Of course.

‘J, we’re looking for – _fuck_ it, _you_ are looking for any clues in the model that could create structures, I don’t know… Would he use this as scheme? How else would he put the clues in an Expo building model?’ Tony murmurs, playing with the mental image of the object, but it’s not clear enough for him to work on. JARVIS doesn’t reply the rhetorical questions, Tony can only guess the A.I. is looking for patterns in the model. Or really, looking for anything at all.

‘May I suggest that you ask colonel Rhodes to help with figuring out this problem, sir?’

‘J, baby, do you think Rhodey will notice something that you can’t?’

‘I believe that a different perspective always might be helpful, sir.’

‘Sure you’re right,’ Tony replies quietly, kneeling down next to the model again. ‘Rhodey’s ETA?’

‘Colonel Rhodey will probably be home in six to seven hours.’

‘Well, let’s work on figuring this out don’t get too lazy in the meantime, J.’

‘I wouldn’t dream of it, sir,’ the A.I. replies sassily, making Tony grin, and they go back to work. Tony asks JARVIS to describe him everything again, mentally cataloguing the buildings and other elements, and, between shakes, it’s suddenly four hours later (dividing the days in two-hour-long periods is just kind of an obvious thing here.)

‘We’ re not getting anywhere,’ Tony whines, stretching his hands and legs as he’s pacing around the room. He is trying his best not to feel angry, but it’s fucking difficult, because he’s quite sure he could figure this hellish thing out in half an hour if he could just – see it.

Or less than that.

‘Let’s say the big globe palace is the nucleus…’ Tony muses when he’s back on the floor, _not_ giving up on solving the stupid thing. ‘Makes sense, J?’

‘It is in the center of the model, sir.’

‘You make a workable hologram for analyzing purposes, and I try to figure something out, okay?’

‘The hologram is ready.’

‘Mark the globe as a nucleus, baby. How many buildings are there?’

Tony keeps asking questions and listening to answers and he can feel a headache build up at the back of his head despite the treatment, but that’s only expected since he’s feeling dazed and tired with exercising his imagination. Everything – everything he has to do is in his head. And it’s fucking frustrating because it feels useless anyway.

‘I don’t know what else can we do,’ he states at some point. ‘Lose all the pointless stuff? It would make sense to disguise whatever Howard might have wanted to disguise, making it look _just_ like a real life model, right?’

‘This is a viable theory, sir –’

‘Rhetorical, J… Ok. Lose the – what was there? The trees, footpaths, all the little objects – just leave the buildings, the pavilions… you got that?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Describe – I _hate_ this,’ Tony suddenly says, getting up rapidly and feeling like breaking something _very much_. ‘I fucking hate this, J, you know? Why can’t I just work normally, we’ll never get anywhere like this, we’ll never find what that bastard meant and I’m just going to fucking die and that’s it, yes?’

‘It’s only natural to get frustrated, sir –

‘Frustrated, my ass, I’m _mad_ ,’ Tony hisses heatedly. ‘Am I? Literally and metaphorically and in every possible way? I hate this, J,’ he adds in a softer voice, his outstretched arm finding the armchair’s back. He sits down, slouching, and takes a few breaths. His chest and back are a sore around the reactor from all the crouching he’s been doing, but it only seems like a fair things. ‘I hate this. It’s so nice to have the illusion of – a normal life, right? Thinking I could work like I used to, thinking I could just live with Pepper… Maybe it’s good I’ve only got what, five months left? I – I would just fuck it up, I would just hurt Pepper at some point, and I would – maybe it’s easier that way, J. And –’

‘Please, stop this, sir,’ the A.I. cuts in firmly. ‘Don’t you dare to think that the world – that we would be better off without you. I still don’t know how I am supposed to exist without you.’

‘But – but you must be there for Pepper, and Rhodey! What the _fuck_ , JARVIS?!’ Tony exclaims, raising from the chair. ‘Don’t _you_ dare do _that_ , you fucking moron!’

‘That would make two of us, sir,’ the A.I. spats back and Tony is a bit taken aback by the vehemence in JARVIS’ voice; but in the end he’s just torn between laughing and crying and he makes a wailing noise that’s something like both.

‘Sorry,’ Tony says in the end, shaking his head and moving to the model reluctantly. ‘I’m an idiot, aren’t I?’

‘Forgive me if I don’t answer, sir,’ JARVIS just says, but his voice is lighter and warmer. Tony chuckles and ignores the sting of ache in his chest as he does. He decides to just go with what he was going to do a few minutes earlier.

‘Okay, J. Describe me what do we have left and please try to think of it like I would if I could – see it, hmm? You know how I roll.’

At this point the description is more like Maths – geometry problem than anything else, with the numbers describing all the pavilions and the spaces between them being more or less hanging in the empty space in Tony’s head, completely abstract, devoid of any down-to-earth details – oh.

– _that’s it_?

‘J, structure protons and neutrons using the buildings. Lose everything else, the globe is the nucleus. Run it in 3D, spin the model a few times and tell me if any of that makes sense.’

‘Analyzing – engaging. The hologram model is complete…’ (Tony hold his breath) ‘it seems to fit, sir.’

Tony feels a shiver run down his spine when he hears those words, because it would just be too good, right? Too easy (though it still should have taken his half an hour) and too – those things just don’t happen like that in his life, okay? There is always a price for the good things.

‘The element should serve as a viable replacement for palladium, sir. It is just impossible to synthesize,’ the A.I. adds, but Tony can _hear_ the smirk in the voice and he laughs himself. _A challenge, how sweet._

‘Does that really mean that I – I will not _die_? Soon?’ Tony asks breathlessly, suddenly realizing what’s just happened and what it means –

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Are you _sure_?’

‘I am.’

‘J – you’ve just fucking saved my life. You’ve saved my life, do you hear me?’ Tony asks, getting up from the floor and literally jumping in the air and he doesn’t give a fuck if he’s being ridiculous because – he’s never even let himself dream of that.

‘I’m happy I will keep having you here, sir,’ the A.I. replies simply. Tony laughs out loud, and laughs and laughs until his chest hurts too much and he can’t catch a breath, but it doesn’t really matter. Tony is not sure he really _understands_ what is happening, besides _knowing_ , because it still seems impossible that just a week ago he was laying like a dead body in the bed and wanting to die as soon as possible because living hurt too fucking much.

But he’s sure it will – kick in, at some point.

***

‘I’ve just re-discovered a new element,’ Tony states happily when they are eating dinner; for once Natasha is there, but she doesn’t really say anything, unless directly asked. Tony briefly wonders if she’s always that sociable, or is it just a temporary thing.

‘You’ve just – _you what_?!’ the colonel exclaims, dropping his fork that makes a clattering sound. Everyone stops moving and talking and Tony can feel the stares all focused on him.

‘What you’ve hear. Took me and J two days to solve the riddle. Not bad, huh, Natasha?’

‘I’m glad you did that,’ Romanov replies, but it’s flat and not really enthusiastic. But then, why should she really care.

‘Wait, wait, Tony,’ Pepper speaks up on his right. ‘A new element? As in –’

‘A substitute for palladium,’ he supplies.

‘I – this… Tony. I – I don’t – You bastard!’ she manages to articulate in the end, and it’s not what Tony has expected.

‘Huh?’

‘For scaring me like that,’ she explains and now he’s sure she is crying, so he stands up and takes two steps and embraces her tightly.

‘Hey, I’m here, I’ll stay here now,’ he murmurs into her hair. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry for scaring you, I’m sorry for all that, I’m sorry I couldn’t figure it sooner, but it’ll be okay now, Pepper. I will be here for you. Don’t cry. I’m getting awkward here and I have no idea what to do when you’re crying,’ he keeps talking, holding her, until she calms down and graces him with a long kiss, smearing her tears on Tony face but he doesn’t mind. ‘I love you,’ he adds before pulling away and ignores all the other people by the table.

‘Well,’ Tony sighs, sitting down and turning towards Rhodey. ‘Now you’re taking a break from you spy work because I need you to help me create the element – synthesize it. Figure out a way to. Got it? Tomorrow wakey at seven, cupcake, and we’ll be revolutionizing the science!’ he adds enthusiastically, because well, which scientist wouldn’t want to just make a completely new element? Sure, it’s five-year-old’s act, but Tony can’t stop himself.

‘Is it always this amusing?’ Natasha asks drily.

‘Sure thing,’ Pepper replies. ‘Most of the time.’

(This is a lie, they all know it’s a lie because it _used_ to be always so amusing and it’s been far from amusing the last few months especially when Tony was spending days trying _not_ to think of the sand and never succeeding, or sleeping, but no one mentions that. But yes, it _used_ to be fun like that.)

***

The next morning they get to work in the basement. It’s two weeks before the Helicarrier goes down and Tony’s sure that Rhodey would stay in Malibu and not New York when the ship being renovated if he was needed, but Tony doesn’t want to postpone moving out at all. So, Rhodey comes down fascinated and excited and Tony is more of a picture of grim determination.

They work on the project for the particle accelerator that Tony figured would create a laser beam that would help them synthesize the element. They make specs together and start redecorating the basement to fit the accelerator, and Tony does some packing at the same time and starts to get things ready for the trip to NY; then they order the parts with _extra priority_ – SI factories know what that means, if the order comes from Tony Stark himself, so it takes a few days to produce everything they need instead of weeks that it normally would be.

In the meantime, doctor Bell comes to see Tony since he decides he’s too busy to go up to the ship _and_ since he’s not supposed to fly in the suit, it would be a drag and a waste of so many precious hours to take a helicopter or jet or whatever.

‘You’re looking good,’ she tells Tony as soon as she enters the house and says hello.

‘Well, between the lithium dioxide and the medicine you prescribed me, sure thing. Plus the latest development, you know, I just have to be glowing.’

‘I’ve heard, congratulations. It was all kind of quick, wasn’t it? Not that I mean it’s bad, but I was positively surprised.’

‘I had a great motivation,’ Tony replies honestly, leading her to one of the guest rooms on the ground floor.

‘When will the reactor be changed?’

‘We should be ready by the end of next week, I guess. So it’s just a few more days of – all this,’ he adds, gesturing at his body.

‘Well, we will see,’ the doctor comments and hums something to herself. ‘What are you waiting for, undress!’ she commands Tony and they proceed to the examination.

His breathing is better with the treatment, the headaches are mostly gone, as well as the tiny signs of rash that Bell noticed the previous time. Tony has managed to put on full five pounds, _thank you twenty first century medicine_ , and Bell says she’s proud, but they both know it’s still good fifteen pounds less than his _before_ weight, but since she says he’s okay for now, there is no rush.

‘You must realize that you’ll not be healed straight after you get the palladium out of your chest,’ Bell tells him at the end, when he’s dressed and seated on the armchair in front of the doctor.

‘Sure, it’s kind of a detox-y things, wait until palladium is out of system and everything.’

‘When you change the reactor, I’ll instruct you on what to do to speed up removing the toxin from your body, okay?’

‘Sure, doc,’ Tony agrees, hell, at this point he’d probably agree to just about anything.

Pepper is so, so happy when Tony recounts her the meeting with the doctor in the evening, and Tony can’t stop himself from kissing her all the time, ignoring everyone again. (No one seems to mind anyway.) She doesn’t even shout as him as much as he’s expected when he tells her all the parts are there and he and Rhodey will be building the particle accelerator _in the basement._ Well, he did mention that before, but Pepper didn’t really take him seriously.

‘Are you sure it will not blow up and kill us?’ she just asks, ignoring Happy’s grunt and Rhodey’s amused scoff.

‘I am, like, ninety nine point nine sure.’

‘O-kay then.’

‘Did you just agree to me building a particle accelerator in the basement?’ Tony repeats the words, because hey, he can’t quite believe himself. That was just _too easy_.

‘Yes, Tony, I did. I just want you to have the palladium out of your body ASAP.’

‘Makes sense,’ Tony agrees.

***

So they build the accelerator – Tony and Rhodey and Happy, and Natasha comes over and insists on helping too, so Tony lets her. Pepper takes a week off her official work – since it’s the last week in Malibu – and takes care of transporting everything that might be needed from her office in Los Angeles to New York, as well as packs all Tony’s things from the house that they decided they want.

It takes them three days to finish the work and by that time the house becomes a labyrinth to Tony and he doesn’t even try to walk around without the white cane _and_ JARVIS’ narration, because there are _things_ everywhere, boxes and cases and more boxes, and too many things have been moved from their usual posts to somewhere else; Tony can’t be bothered to remember the ever-changing pattern.

Since Rhodey is needed urgently up on the Helicarrier and Pepper takes Happy to drive her to last few meetings she has to do at the western shore, when the accelerator is done Tony has to wait until the evening to actually use it, no matter how tempted he might be – Natasha and Pepper threatened him with _consequences_ if he tried to tamper with it, so he gave in (how did the two become kind-of-friend, he doesn’t want to know, it’s a scary thought.)

Instead, he has Chiara coming over; he just calls her to talk, but as soon as she hears that they are moving out _in three days_ , she scolds him using very colorful and diverse Italian words.

‘You didn’t even give me a chance to make you a goodbye gift,’ she says as soon as she’s in the house, sweeping him into a hug. ‘You’re looking _much_ better, _bambino_ , but still seem rather exhausted.’

‘Sure, moving out is a pain,’ he whines and laughs. ‘All this makes getting around a quest every single time I try to walk somewhere.’

‘Well, the better for you, gaining some experience,’ she counters.

They talk for full four hours straight, cook with whatever ingredients they are able to find in the mess the kitchen has become, and Tony promises to invite her over to New York as soon as they are settled and the house is ready.

The dinner is crowded and loud, the five people that Tony has learned to trust and rely on, well, mostly at least, plus himself, it’s the biggest crowd that he’s been in for good few months; he doesn’t mind the chatter though, it’s pleasant and it feels like something he’s never really experienced before.

When it are done, Tony walks Chiara to the door and lets her embrace him and talk Italian baby names into his ear for a few minutes; she promises again to come over to New York sometime soon, and then she’s gone.

Synthesizing the new element is quicker than anyone could have expected, and to Tony it’s mostly noise, noise, more noise and scent of smoke and heated metal; Rhodey takes care of the technical side and controls everything while Tony just stays next to him, holding a new arc reactor, with the triangular core cavity – and waiting.

He tries not to hold his breath when the laser beam _touches_ the metal and – changes it, doing the magical science – and then suddenly, it’s all quiet. Rhodey takes Tony’s hand and leads him to the center of the room, both ducking to avoid colliding with the accelerator, and they stop in front of the table where _it_ is.

‘Congratulation sirs, you’ve just created a new element,’ JARVIS breaks the silence with a dry but happy (for as skilled ear) voice.

‘It’s – shining, Tony. Really bright white light,’ Rhodey says in a low voice. Tony gives him a smile and imagines how that must look, the triangle seeming to hang in between the catches.

Rhodey moves to take the pliers to take it out, but the A.I. quips in again.

‘It actually is not hot to touch – all the heat has been converted into energy. It’s exactly forty point six Celsius degrees.’

Tony feels the colonel’s hand pushing him forward, so he takes a few steps and rests his hands on the round metal frame, waiting a moment before letting his fingers more towards the center – finding the triangle turned into the new element and taking it out. It feels pleasantly warm to touch and kind of – vibrating, although Tony guesses it might be just his imagination.

 _Funny_ , he thinks, _it feels just like before. No difference in weight, in shape, nothing. And somehow, this little shiny trinket will save my life._

‘Go on, Tony,’ he hears Rhodey’s excited voice behind him, so he does take the reactor where he’s unconsciously put it on the table and inserts the piece of metal in. It clicks and wizzes and pulsates in his hands for a few moments before turning just steady and silent.

‘The reactor has accepted the new core. I will begin running diagnostics. Estimated duration is twelve hours, sir,’ JARVIS says quickly. If Tony didn’t know better, he’d think the A.I. seems _relieved._

‘Perfect, J.’

(Twelve hours, that means it’ll be over at eight o’clock. Tony is not sure what to think.)

***

The next day is one year _anniversary_ of his capture in Afghanistan and Tony really has no fucking idea how to deal with _that_.

But he does verbalize that when he and Pepper are in bed, trying to fall asleep but failing because of all the excitement and emotions and tension. Of course Pepper knew, since the date is kind of hard to forget – impossible to forget– but she says she’s glad he is talking to her.

‘I’m scared of falling asleep,’ he confesses, and Pepper says nothing, just moves closer, wrapping her hands around him but not resting her head on his chest this time, since she’s aware that the arc reactor is a trigger at the moment. She keeps kissing him and caressing his skin and he does the same and it’s as much comfort as Tony could have wanted.

He falls asleep eventually and Pepper wakes him up two times, dragging his thought out of the heat and the blood and he can almost pretend it’s okay.

When he wakes up properly it’s late, he can tell it’s late, and for a moment he forgets about the date and the memories and everything, just concentrates on the surroundings, trying to find some noises around but the house is as still as it gets – no, there are Pepper’s bare footsteps approaching, he can always tell when it’s her – and then she enters the bedroom.

‘I brought you the arc reactor – JARVIS has finished running the tests and everything should be okay, Tony. The element will not poison you. It’s safe. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ ( _okay, okay, that’s a fucking miracle, right? it really is_ ) Tony agrees and sits up, cross legged on the bed. It’s just a moment and he should be used to taking the reactor in and out, but, _but, but_ , there are always some buts. He takes the old one out quickly and puts the new one in and feels a sudden cold chill spreading from it, giving him a shiver; it’s a very strange but pleasant feeling, he decides.

But it’s still the reactor – in his _chest_ , just like the _battery_ – _don’t think about that, just do fucking not_ , he gives the old one to Pepper and puts his hands on the chest and tries to calm down, tries to order himself to forget and to breathe and to think about something else, but it doesn’t work and he can see the young soldiers dying in front of his eyes and _someone’s hands_ that he can feel _inside_ his body –

He’s not sure how, but suddenly he is kneeling on the cold bathroom floor when he throws up, but Pepper is behind him and keeps her familiar small hands on his arms and Tony almost feels like he is safe.

‘Sorry,’ he utters, wiping his sweaty forehead and spitting into the toilet; Pepper offers him a glass of cold water with a few drops of mint oil, aware that he couldn’t swallow just plain water right now.

‘Don’t be silly, Tony,’ she scolds him quietly and gives him a quick hug. ‘You okay now?’

‘I think I’m okay now,’ he replies her words. It does feel – okay, not like he’s going to be sick again, but maybe that’s wishful thinking. ‘You know, this reactor or whatever, it tastes like coconut – and metal.’

Pepper laughs at that and stays with him on the bathroom floor until he decides he’s ready to get out. He silently refuses drinking the shake (that yes, he still should drink, for a few day at least) or eating anything; Pepper lets him and doesn’t comment.

***

Most of the day, while Natasha and Rhodey and Happy pack their things, Tony and Pepper spend cuddled on the bed, wrapped around each other. Tony tries not to break down too much but he’s not doing a good job and he ends up crying on Pepper more than he’s probably ever had in his life.

‘I’m so scared of the darkness,’ he admits, because he’s never really done that before and he’s always wanted. ‘You know what makes it worse? The last thing I remember seeing is the – the desert, and the high sun over my head, giving me headache and burning my skin. I – I’m not sure I remember how you look like, I’m afraid of _forgetting_.’

‘Tell me how you remember me,’ Pepper whispers in reply and he does, he does tell her in as much detail as he can recall and Pepper laughs when he comments on the haircut she had once, a few years back, because it really was ridiculous.

Then she takes his hand and lead his fingertips across her face and her body and it’s her turn to talk and Tony can’t stop marveling at how amazing she is – the most amazing creature on the Earth, hell, in the whole universe.

Tony doesn’t really notice when the morning turns into the afternoon and then into the evening, and suddenly Pepper tells him it’s time to sleep and he believes her; they fall asleep much more easily this time and when Tony does wake up once at night, Pepper is asleep, cuddled up to him, and he goes back to sleep easily.

***

Then it’s the last day in Malibu as they head out the next morning. Everything is packed and ready but the most essential things they still need for the day; their footsteps echo strangely in the vast empty rooms, even more pronounced than normally.

All four of them go for a ride – Natasha protested, saying she didn’t want to intrude, but Tony did insist – across the hills, with a stop by Tony’s favorite bar where they buy an unhealthy amount of fast food and cake and then Pepper drives them to that one viewpoint that is always deserted and they have kind of a picnic. Tony, for the first and the last time, gets out of the car and sits on the dry grass by it, leaning against the metal surface, and inhales the clean ocean-scented air.

When they are back at home, they are too full to eat dinner so everyone just goes to their respective rooms, and as soon as Tony closes the bedroom door, Pepper tells him something he’s always dreamed of hearing, but never really thought he would (even though that is silly, given all the weeks they have been – _together_.)

‘I want you,’ she says, and Tony doesn’t let himself think if it’s okay or not, if he’s scared or not, if it will be different, if he’ll know – he just walks up to the bed and undresses himself. Pepper does the same.

(Sex, Tony discovers, is one of the very few things that don’t feel that much different, since it’s always been about something else than just _looking_ , than just _watching,_ than just _seeing_. He’s learned to focus on the other senses more though and it’s like everything he feels is multiplied and he honestly doesn’t have words to describe how incredible and breathtaking the sex is, and he is just even more convinced that Pepper is the most wonderful person _e v e r._ )

‘I love you, I love you, I love you,’ she keeps repeating after, and Tony just smiles lazily, knowing that she’s observing him. He doesn’t have to say it back out loud, but he does.

‘Love you too, Pepper,’ he murmurs into her hair; then they stay in silence for some time, breathing faster than normally and daydreaming.

‘Will you miss it here?’ Pepper asks at some point later, her voice sleepy, and Tony wonders.

‘Probably yes,’ he replies truthfully. ‘But with you and Rhodey and JARVIS and the bots, I think I will be okay.’

‘There is a whole world out there,’ she reminds him gently. _Such a giant, crazy, oppressive, beautiful dark world._

‘I’ll let you lead,’ he counters and they both laugh, suddenly remembering all the times when Pepper took the lead on official dances and Tony argued vehemently that _he_ was _the man_.

 _Well, suddenly it’s all about something else_ , he thinks and kisses Pepper a goodnight.

He can’t wait to get on the plane.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there isn’t enough Natasha, but this chapter turned into a monster anyway and she isn’t essential here, forgive? Also, I’m thinking about writing a few one-shots in this ‘verse that would show some scenes that didn’t make it to Afterimage and maybe Chiara POV of the events of the story, at some point… What do you think? I would be happy to know what you’d like to see that wasn’t in the story and hopefully I’ll get inspired :)


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your support and suggestions for the one-shots, I have a few ideas already. Feel free to propose anything you’d like to see from this ‘verse and I will try to do something with it!
> 
> The next chapter, still being written, will be up on Saturday :)

 

They board the plane at ten in the morning, having taken a ride to SI airport in Los Angeles where it is waiting for them; it takes an hour to get in all the suits and bots and equipment that hasn’t been transported earlier. (Tony didn’t feel like letting them be taken by someone else without supervision _at all_ , the arc reactors are all securely in a suitcase that Tony keeps with himself.)The flight reminds Tony a bit too much of being transported from Germany to USA, although from that time he can remember mostly noise, more noise and being disoriented. The confusion was probably the biggest things back then, and for once he can really notice that much has changed within the nine months since he’s come _home_.

This time, it’s a StarkJet and not the big military aircraft, it’s much quieter and smaller and more comfortable; Tony feels good inside as soon as he enters, led by Pepper; it’s just – familiar. He can’t see the beige seats or anything like that, but it feels warm and the sounds seem muffled and it’s perfect. The flight attendants, he doesn’t remember their names, serve them drinks and food and they all doze off and pretend not to most of the time – well, maybe besides Natasha, but Tony is not sure she even needs to sleep or eat or breathe, sometimes, so that’s not surprising.

The flight is only four hours and a half on the jet, anyway, and before they know they are landing at a small private SI airport just out of New York; it would be easier to just fly to La Guardia and be at 5th Ave in half an hour, but Pepper said she didn’t want to push and decided it would be better if Tony would just stay in – safe space. He doesn’t protest because it is a rather good idea.

As soon as they land, Natasha says goodbye and disappears somewhere. She did tell them that she will go to S.H.I.E.L.D. base as soon as they are in NY, since everything’s been all right with Tony and she wasn’t required to make any more injections and JARVIS takes over tracing Tony’s vitals and noting the blood toxicity. It’s slowly, slowly going down, and Tony knows he’ll have to meet with doctor Bell quite soon to take care of the remaining traces of the metal ( _damage to kidneys, damage to liver, damage to lungs, damage, damage, damage_ , Tony knows all the risks and he really would like it to be the past.)

Pepper leads Tony to the car, Happy sits behind the wheel. There is no one there to greet them and that’s how Tony likes it. As soon as they are inside, he knows, the technicians and Rhodey will put the suits and bots and everything else in a truck and go.

The drive to the Mansion takes an hour and a half; Tony focuses on the new noises, city traffic and the car’s purr and his own breaths quickened in anticipation.

‘You want to stop by somewhere?’ Happy says as soon as they enter the city roads and Tony considers.

‘We could stop by the French bistro – you know which one. We’ll have lunch.’

‘Sure, boss,’ the chauffeur replies and accelerates. Tony enjoys the sharp but graceful movement and the feeling of being pushed into the chair, like in good old times.

‘They said it’s good to have you back,’ Happy informs Tony when he gets into the car, holding a few rustling paper bags that smell of butter and fried onions and sharp cheese. Of course the owners would know _who_ wants such sandwiches, as it’s been a standing order and Tony’s never missed a chance to stop by during the twenty years that have passed since he’s discovered the place.

***

It’s fifteen more minutes before they finally reach the Mansion, even if it’s not far, but Tony has conveniently forgotten how terrible the traffic in New York is.

Happy stops the car in the indoor garage. Tony feels like he’s a bit annoyed of all the precautions and attempts to make the transition easier, but he guesses they are right. And it’s not like he won’t have a chance to breathe the wonderful smog later.

The first thing when he gets out of the car, besides thinking _I didn’t think it would still smell like paint so much_ , is calling JARVIS (not that he’s expected any problems, since the A.I.’s servers are securely hidden far away from the civilization and he can be everywhere, really, he’s been with Tony through the earpiece all the time, but this is different.)

‘J, baby, you here?’

‘Always, sir,’ JARVIS replies from the hidden speakers in his usual voice, even if it’s a bit more guarded than normally. But he probably has the right, since most of the stories to remember that took place in the house were… not exactly pleasant.

‘Glad to hear that. Anyone around?’

‘There is no one in the house. Two security guards are in the booth by the gate. All the technicians, cleaning staff and the delivery men left at least two hours ago.’

‘Perfect, J. Do we eat now or wait for Rhodey?’ Tony asks Pepper who is holding the bags with food.

‘JARVIS, Rhodey’s ETA?’

‘Half an hour, Miss Potts.’

‘We could wait,’ she decides and puts the bags away. ‘Do you care if we explore a bit?’

‘I guess not,’ Tony agrees easily and turns on the earpiece on; he’s been wearing the sunglasses since they left the plane. The Mansion really needs – re-discovering; he knows it will take days until he’s okay with walking around, and probably weeks until he is familiar enough with the surroundings to to use neither the cane nor JARVIS.

The problem is that the mansion is really, really big. There are two underground levels and then eight floors and an attic at the top, and the thing could probably house some royal family along with all the servants and there still would be place left. Big part of it has been unused for most of the time. The most important part has always been Howard’s – and then Tony’s – workshop that does take one of the subterranean levels as well as half of the ground floor. The two floors above are various living spaces for whoever stays there, and for guests. And everything higher is just empty space, really, unless all the old furniture has not been moved out and just is there covered with white sheets. Tony couldn’t be bothered to ask JARVIS.

(He remembers the way from the workshop to his bedroom best, since he’s done the route countless times in various states of drunkenness and it’s just kind of an instinct at this point.)

The underground garage is connected with the living area by an elevator and a staircase; Tony decides to use the elevator since he doesn’t feel much like trying to figure out the stairs and go up without getting his feet hurt.

‘Let’s leave the bags in the kitchen,’ Pepper proposes and Tony nods in agreement. She leads him through the corridor, their voices echoing strangely, and after a few moments they enter the said room. (Pepper used to stay in the mansion a lot, whenever Tony would stay there too, especially when he was drunk, and she dealt with the women with her perfect deadly efficiency.)

The room smells different than the rest of the house, like bread and herbs.

Pepper puts the bag on the table (a guess) with more rustling and pours them both some peach juice that was sitting on the counter instead of in the fridge, just like Tony likes. They drink in silence and do not move out of the room until Rhodey comes, as Tony doesn’t make any indication of wanting to – he is completely okay with just standing there and kissing Pepper and enjoying the silence, it’s hard not to notice the absence of the ocean’s murmur now – and Pepper doesn’t take the initiative either.

‘Why are you so mellow, lovebirds?’ Rhodey asks as soon as he enters the room, with bots rolling behind him obediently, obviously under JARVIS’ orders to behave. Only Dummy is old enough to remember the place, You and Butterfingers were made in Tony’s early twenties, but after he’s moved to live in Malibu.

 _Just admit it, you do feel nostalgic_ , Tony tells himself instead of replying the colonel. _In all the bad ways_.

‘Just tired,’  Pepper says. ‘We’ve got food. Let’s eat and then we can do everything we need.’

‘J, call Happy,’ Tony adds, given that the chauffeur stayed in the garage to check up on all the cars that were waiting there, not that he needed to because JARVIS has been taking care of them, but Happy loves doing that anyway.

When he is there, they all sit by the round table in the kitchen. Pepper makes coffee and tea while the men prepare the table and divide the food, serving everyone their favorites (and for Tony that is sourdough baguette with salted butter, romaine lettuce, pélardon and caramelized balsamic onions; it feels like it’s been in a different lifetime when he has last eaten _that_ , and the funny things is that it really was.)

After they are finished, Happy goes to the room that have always been assigned as his while Tony, Pepper and Rhodey find themselves on the second floor, trying to choose their rooms. Rhodey is quick, taking the liking to one that used to be Blue Guest Room when Tony was a kid. The walls, JARVIS supplies, are pale beige now.

Tony does have his – childhood room, but he’s never set a foot there for longer than a few minutes after he’s finished MIT. He has a bedroom, that he’s been using since then, usually with some girl at his side. Pepper does have her room, too. But what they need now is a place for _them both_.

So Pepper leads Tony, offering him her arm, and the walk into one room after another and JARVIS helps Tony refresh his memories by giving him the old names, all the same much pompous and terrible, but at least that works. Tony just wants somewhere that doesn’t bring back – too many memories, not that he couldn’t just ignore them, but why create a problem when it can be avoided. He asks Pepper what she wants; she hesitates before answering.

‘I’d like the view of the Central Park,’ she says in the end.

Tony laughs.

‘Of course you would,’ he says and gives her a kiss. ‘I don’t mind, Pepper. I mean – I don’t mind if you want something like that and I can really understand. I don’t want you to be so cautious and elusive and everything around me. I’m not a delicate flower that you’ll break if you talk about _seeing_ things around me, come on. But you know that already.’

‘I guess I do, I just… I know moving here is difficult for you. Moving anywhere would be, but _especially_ here –’

‘Pepper, you know I don’t think before talking too often, and I say things that everyone considers rude. I don’t mind what you say. I like it when you don’t watch what you say,’ he takes a breath and squeezes her hand. He can imagine she’s smiling.

JARVIS does direct them to the rooms of appropriate size with a view and Pepper likes one of them straight away. Tony does calculations in his head and it seems that there is the other elevator that goes down to the workshop close by, so it’s perfect for him (and it was just another guestroom before.)

‘J, have the bots drag out things up here at some point today,’ Tony says, moving away from Pepper with his cane in hand, and as soon as he _finds_ _out_ where the bed is, he jumps on it, laying on his back, and Pepper joins him.

It’s silent for a few minutes before she starts crying and Tony has no idea what it’s about, and he hates being confused.

‘Pepper, what is it about?’ he asks her in a quiet voice. It feels strange, acting like this; there is always an urge to stop himself and dismiss his feelings. And hers. Just dismiss feelings in general.

‘Don’t you ever – _ever_ – do that to me again,’ she states fiercely between the sobs, and Tony marvels at how she manages to be intimidating even when she’s crying.

‘Do _what_?’

‘Don’t be _dying_ , you moron,’ she replies.

‘I’m okay,’ Tone counters, but he’s fully aware that he couldn’t win the argument.

‘You’re okay _now_. But you made me believe I only had you for a few months and do you know how terrifying that was?! And I couldn’t – I was working, I couldn’t even stop and just be there for you when you needed me and –’

‘Just stop, Pepper,’ Tony orders her and silences her with a kiss. ‘You’re talking nonsense. You were doing exactly what you were supposed to, exactly what I wanted you to do. And don’t think about that now.’

‘But Tony –’ she tries to protest, but at least she’s not sobbing anymore. _That’s good_.

‘We’ve left it all behind.’

‘Did we?’

‘I hope we did,’ Tony admits. He’s rather sure it’s not possible to just forget, but he wishes he could. _Nothing really changes now, when we are half a world away from Malibu_ , Tony thinks, _unless I change._ ‘Did we just run away?’

‘Kind of?’

‘Are you asking or saying?’

‘Saying?’ Pepper says, continuing the game they’ve been doing for years now.

‘I feel like I just run away from everything. Kind of hoping that if we are here, something will be different, I was – I was sick of that place. It felt like being imprisoned. What if – what if I just make it another prison here?’

 _What if I_ won’t _be able to change anything?_

_And what if you grow bored of me –_

‘I won’t let you,’ Pepper just says, as if it was obvious. For the millionth time Tony wonders if it really is and he’s just too _blind_ , what a nice joke, to notice.

(Then it’s the second time they have sex and it’s even more amazing than the first and Tony feels like he is blessed, despite _everything._ )

‘I should set the bots up in the workshop. J, cancel bringing up our things, we can wait until tomorrow…’ Tony says at some point when they are still on the bed, half undressed. ‘JARVIS could just direct them, but I would like to, you know… It’s the first night and I know they would be calmer if I did go to them –’

‘Sure they would, Tony. You do that and you make sure they don’t freak out, ‘cause I really don’t want Dummy going all protective about you again.’

‘I’ll try to persuade him,’ Tony replies, giving Pepper a quick smile, and puts back on the clothes. ‘You stay here tomorrow?’

‘Yes, I go back to work the day after yesterday. And you will help me with unpacking things in the morning.’

‘I could hire people to do that.’

‘You don’t want people to come in your space when they don’t have to.’

‘Point taken,’ Tony agrees, getting of the bed and stretching lazily. ‘J, talk to me, baby,’ he adds, takes the white cane and leaves the room, waving at Pepper before the door closes.

The echo of his footsteps in the corridor is different than the echo back in Malibu, it’s more hollow and deeper and makes the air in Tony’s lungs vibrate; it’s disquieting and fascinating at the same time.

He takes the elevator and as soon as he steps out, the bots are by his side, surely sending their queries to JARVIS, given all the beeps and chirps and claw movements.

‘J, fill them in, will ya? And no, I don’t know how long we’ll be staying here, it depends on how long it will take to synthesize enough of the new element – I really need to find a name for it, J, make a note – to power the big arc reactor core to power the skyscraper. Ah. Stark Tower…’ Tony adds distractedly, standing still in the same spot and trying to figure out the space around him; he is sure it did not change like the rest of the house because it’s been off-limits for everyone but a few selected people. Very few.

 _Well, at least the cleaning bots did a good job_ , Tony comments to himself, ready to believe that there is really no dust around.

JARVIS forces (well, as much as an incorporeal A.I. can, but JARVIS knows all the techniques and, in addition, possesses every blackmail material that exist) Tony to drink another chlorophyll shake; although he wishes he’d never have to do that again as just its smell makes him feel a bit sick, after all these months on living off the green goo. But JARVIS is right when he points out that Tony should do as much possible to take care of the palladium that’s still residing in his body – and that is an unhealthy amount.

The bots being acquainted with the surroundings, _finally,_ Tony goes up to the kitchen answering Pepper-via-JARVIS request.

They eat a light dinner and spend the evening talking, not even moving from the kitchen – that might be the fault of Tony’s idea to have a sofa in all _common_ rooms, well, besides bathrooms – before going back to their room to get some well-deserved rest.

***

Tony wakes up at two, but he can’t remember having a nightmare. He lays in the bed listening to everything: despite special reinforced windows he can still hear remote buzz of cars on going down the 5th Avenue. Pepper’s breathing, but that’s a constant. A softest hum of electricity, the one that he’s been used to as he installed JARVIS and all security measures and hundreds of other electronic devices. The hum of the ocean really is missing, and it’s not just a thing he can pinpoint now, it’s more of a gaping hole in the black space around.

He knows he will get used to it.

Sneaking out of bed isn’t difficult, even if Tony can feel some guilt about leaving Pepper by herself, but he doesn’t want to wake her up. No troubles. He’s almost self-sufficient now, well, can be. 

The elevator, at least, is the same SI-made tech that is installed in the Malibu house, so its low murmur is just the same.

Tony spends the night on the sofa in the workshop, petting whichever bot currently is closest – they appear to take turns, those little sneaky creatures – and wishing he didn’t choose to move. It is ridiculous, because he would have been feeling awful if he stayed, but somehow this place just feels – suffocating. Even the big spaces.

He feels as if as soon as he goes out of the house for a walk around, he’ll be spotted by someone and there would be blurry cell phone photos and all the commentary in internet and on tv and everywhere.

 _It’s not only for you_ , he reminds himself, clutching a cup of tea he’s just made himself tightly. _Pepper will be happy, she’s always preferred to work in New York. She has – had friends here. And Rhodey and all of the S.H.I.E.L.D. is closer – it makes sense_.

‘J, how are you feeling about this place?’

‘It feels normal, sir,’ the A.I. lies. ‘I would just prefer if the armors were be in their respective places that we’ve planned, instead of in the in cases, because I only have Mark IV in case something –’

‘Stop panicking, baby,’ Tony soothes the A.I. and laughs shortly. ‘I didn’t mean that, I’m not worried – I’m not making sense, hmm? I mean, you’ve been _here_ , in a way, all this time, but now when I ask you, you have to navigate everything from different angles, from a slightly different perspective… You know, details. Numbers, the spaces and everything…’

‘I think I will, I believe the phrase would be accurate, _get used to it_. I’m just glad to see you making such a big step, sir. And I am glad –’ the A.I. trails off, making Tony frown.

‘Yes?’ he prompts, almost burning his lips on the hot tea.

‘I am glad that you are here, sir. That you are not going to – die. I should have said that before, but everything was hectic. Now I can tell you that… I would have stayed here, if you were to be – gone. To take care of Miss Potts and the bots and help Colonel Rhodes with his work, because that is what the world needs. But it wouldn’t be the same.’

‘You are thinking like a real troubled comic book superhero, J,’ Tony says with a grin. The A.I. certainly plays that role perfectly. ‘Thank you,’ he adds quieter. ‘When is the ship going down?’

‘The day after tomorrow, sir, but most of the personnel is already moving to the HQ later today; they have their rooms there, as well as all necessary facilities. Shall I make an appointment with Doctor Bell, sir?’

‘I guess. Whenever she has time.’

‘She did tell you that she will fit you whenever you are ready to come,’ JARVIS reminds him quietly. ‘Do you want me to inquire about tomorrow?’

‘Give it a try, J. Just – I’d prefer if she came here? I need to… you know. Get used to the place before I am ready to go somewhere new again. Okay?’

‘Noted, sir. I will inform you about Doctor’s decision as soon as I make a call at an hour that most humans would consider normal to be up.’

 _Ah, that again_.

‘Do I hear a reprimand in your voice, J? Because if I do, I am sorry, but I just _can’t sleep_. Can you track the cube for me?’

JARVIS does as he is asked and Tony spends rest of the night-morning playing with the Rubik’s cube again; it’s still frustrating and annoying as he can’t figure it out, but he doesn’t intend to give up trying anytime soon.

(Tony can’t _see_ the space around, but he feels like he can and he imagines it’s so much smaller and so much more limited and suffocating than all the vast miles of land and ocean around Malibu house. The feeling goes away when he asks JARVIS to distract him and the A.I. obeys.)

***

The day passes quickly. Pepper stays home and makes Tony help her unpack lots of things; he decides it’s a rather good exercise as it will let him fetch things without asking JARVIS where they are every five minutes. They make sandwiches and have fun, Rhodey goes to see where his new workplace is and laughs a lot when he tells them that the building is supposed to be a bank and office space and a small exclusively private hospital, and all of those things are true in a way.

The kind of thing you learn on your first day apparently is this: there is a candy shop at the street level, open to everyone, but the owner is a retired S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and knows all the best gossip. He’s heard about the coffee that Coulson is getting from _someone_ , too, and Tony just sighs and shakes his head in disbelief when he learns that suddenly everyone want to have some, too.

 _If I knew those are the things that secret agencies take part in, I would have joined them a long, long time ago_ , Tony thinks. It is a ridiculous sentiment, but that’s normal these days.

In the afternoon JARVIS confirms the meeting with Bell; she is supposed to come to the mansions around ten the next day. Tony nods at the A.I. distractedly as he eats dinner, making mental plans for building a proper prismatic particle accelerator that would produce enough of _the element_ – still no good name, ah – to power a full-size arc reactor. Tony decides that he doesn’t care too much about checking if it would work, because the mini one is perfect and he is sure between him, Rhodey and JARVIS they can make everything work. It’s just a matter of time and resources. Mostly resources. And Tony definitely plans to make the best use of his.

He still doesn’t go outside or higher than the second level, not feeling up to discovering all the unfamiliar space. Well, half-familiar, but, just as he told Chiara some time earlier, what he has in his mind and what the reality is doesn’t exactly match, making things even worse.

‘Take it slow,’ Pepper tells him. Tony just sighs.

JARVIS says the same, and Tony knows he should – he knows he can.

There is time, there it time, there is time, he is not going to die, he is feeling better, and it’s still hard to grasp that it’s happening for real, not in a dream. But then, he hasn’t had a real dream apart from flashback-nightmares for almost a year.

 _No hurry_ , he tells himself, but everyone knows that he is an impatient man, even if every minute since he’s been back from Afghanistan was an exercise of patience.

****

Bell comes a little late and Tony smirks with satisfaction when she enters the medical room (there’s always been a medical room in the Mansion, Tony remembers Jarvis telling him his mother insisted on it given how likely Howard was to blow himself up, just like his son years later); it’s good to know that there are some regular humans in S.H.I.E.L.D. and not just robot-like agents, no matter how nice.

‘I’m glad to see you looking better,’ the doctor says instead of a greeting.

‘I wish I could say the same,’ Tony shots back, making her snicker.

‘Good mood, I see.’

‘You could say that,’ Tony agrees. It’s not really a lie. Feeling a bit detached and nostalgic is nothing that he couldn’t have expected. ‘How’s life at HQ?’

‘Well, we certainly don’t have as much fresh air and breeze as on the ship, but it’s nice to set a foot on the ground from time to time,’ Bell replies. She puts some things on the marble counter and takes off some clothes, a jacket or whatever – Tony doesn’t know exactly, he’s left the earpiece in the kitchen. He doesn’t really care though. ‘Strip,’ the doctor orders, and Tony does what he’s told.

‘Everything looks as well as expected,’ she tells him when that part of the examination is done. ‘Weight stable, okay, the rash has disappeared, the skin around reactor looks nice, none of that slightly green hi-tech pattern around it… Can you give me the latest blood results?’

‘J, go on,’ Tony asks the A.I. as he puts on jeans, socks and sneakers, knowing that Bell will still want to have a closer look at his lungs. JARVIS recites the numbers; the doctors mumbles something under her breath and scribbles in her usual just-slightly-annoying way.

‘The blood results are not too bad, but we need to think about the traces of palladium, the percentage is still high above safe levels. Are you still drinking your smoothies?’

‘Four portions – forty ounces a day.’

‘That’s good. Keep that until I tell you otherwise. You need to do something like detox, too. The palladium will be out of your system much sooner then. I would start with a month of following my rules, you should get better during this time. Are you up to it?’

‘Sure,’ Tony replies straight away. _Anything to get rid of it and be done._  

She gives him a long lecture about does and don’ts, Tony listens closely even though he knows JARVIS is noting every single word to tell Pepper later, being the typical overprotective self.

‘Your lungs are still an issue, Stark,’ Bell tells him when she is done lining out the _detox_ schedule (that word reminds Tony a bit too much of _troubled youth_ , but well.) ‘The oxidation should get better when we are done with the heavy metal poisoning, but the capacity of your lungs is still lower than normal by good thirty percent. I’d recommend mostly lots of sports on the fresh air, but given your position, I know you won’t be able to – I think it will be best to starts practicing breathing exercises, and swimming. Ah, and you could always give a try to singing or playing an instrument. Like a flute. It can help a lot,’ she adds, her voice serious, but rounded with contained laughter. ‘You might want to consider a home oxygen system in the future, but that’s if your blood oxidation levels don’t improve.’

‘Oh boy,’ Tony breathes, buttoning up his shirt. ‘I will think about it.’

‘Okay. Good. You just follow all the directions I gave you and I will see you in a month to see how you are doing and check if we can end the detox. Call me in case _anything_ is not okay, understood?’

‘Yes.’

‘ _Really_ call me if something is wrong,’ Bell repeats, getting up.

‘Even if I didn’t want to, Pepper or someone surely would,’ Tony replies truthfully and follows the doctor out of the room, but doesn’t walk her to the door, taking the way to the workshop instead and finishes working on the arc reactor project, leaving it only for Rhodey to see before ordering one of his nearby factories to produce it.

It’s Pepper’s first day back at work (Tony did make her sandwiches for lunch, a bit sloppy but there, he’s tried, and she kissed him and laughed so much) so he doesn’t have any motivation to go up and spends rest of the afternoon in the shop, playing with the bots and learning to get around the space. The suits have been put in prepared places, not on display like they were in Malibu, but hidden from everyone’s view in a smaller storage room.

Well, besides Mark IV that is, as always, with Pepper. At least JARVIS can tell Tony how she is doing, meeting new people and taking a tour around her new space – as if she didn’t know it by heart already – and it’s better than asking the A.I. to watch her through the building’s security system cameras. It would be possible, of course, but not as comfortable.

Around eight everyone is back and Tony orders real New York style pizza that he’s been craving for some time now.

‘Since this is the last day of freedom,’ he makes a toast with alcohol-free beer, one of his favorite European brands that he could never find on the western shore.

They spend the evening eating and talking and fall asleep watching a movie Tony can’t remember the title of, it doesn’t matter though. When he doesn’t concentrate too much on details, he can pretend he is still in Malibu, not in his parent’s house, and he’s not sure that is good or bad.

***

The most important thing, Bell said, is to get enough rest, and that’s what Pepper reminds him of when they wake up in the morning. Tony is just about to get up and head for the workshop, when Pepper grabs his wrist and drags him down.

‘You’re staying in bed at least until eight.’

 _Oh yes,_  Tony realizes, _Pepper is back at work,_ _so it’s only six thirty._

It doesn’t mean that he isn’t sleepy at all.

‘Please, Tony. Rhodey can work all morning by himself, if you believe that he will wake up as early as you do. And he won’t.’

‘It’s not like I’m doing a lot of physical work or anything –’ Tony tries to protest, but Pepper silences him with a kiss.

‘You are supposed to have lots of rest rest. And if you go down there, you won’t rest, come on, I know you well enough. You will just get caught up with some project and even if you don’t give a makeover to the workshop, you will walk around and wave your hands and talk and never stop. Well, unless JARVIS sends one of the bots to bother you.’

‘… well, yes?’ Tony agrees reluctantly, because hey, she is right, but he doesn’t have to be that bad –

‘Just at least don’t start work before noon, okay? Happy is staying here, Phil is giving me a ride, he said he wanted to discuss something… Do your workout. Take it slow. Try to make some of the breathing exercises doctor Bell showed you yesterday? (She did, a few, and it felt strange.) And eat what JARVIS has prepared for you –’

‘I know, I know, I know, Pepper, sweetheart, I’m glad you care about me, but honestly, I really want to do everything I can to be done with the palladium and preferably forget it altogether… Okay? I will be a good boy.’

‘Okay, I will say I trust you. Take it easy – wait, did you just call me _sweetheart_?’ Pepper asks incredulously, stirring in the bed on Tony’s side. Tony blinks, realizing that he did, and wonders if that’s a good thing or not, but he can’t figure it from Pepper’s tone.

‘Yes?’ he decides to ask in response, tensing just a little bit.

‘… oh. Wow.’

‘ _Wow_?’

‘You never call me anything like that,’ Pepper states, her voice devoid of any special emotion. Ah. The woman.

‘Do you want me to?’

‘Yes,’ Pepper breaths and Tony kisses her again. ‘Buuut, Tony, I really need to go. Phil will be here half past seven. And I need to get ready. You stay and try to sleep a bit, okay? Just try. I know it’s not easy for you, but that’s what you need. Or at least rest. JARVIS, play him some nice music or something, okay?’

‘Of course, Miss Potts. I was thinking about that myself.’

‘Good boy,’ Tony hears her murmur before she gets out of the bed and disappears in the bathroom.

Somehow, probably by sheer force of will, Tony manages to fall asleep, and when he wakes up again it’s almost nine.

‘Congratulations, sir,’ JARVIS says as soon as Tony sits up and asks him the time. ‘There is some food ready for you in the kitchen. Shall I inform Mister Hogan that he can join you in the gym in –’

‘Half an hour,’ Tony quips in, putting on a random t-shirt and a comfortable pair of soft cotton trousers.

There is a hot bowl of porridge waiting for him on the counter, with cinnamon and zero sugar. _That is going to be tough_ , he thinks, given that he is supposed to eat just light meals, made mostly out of cooked meat and vegetables. And the chlorophyll shakes and nutritional supplements, like selenium, calcium, magnesium… No sugar. No fruits, no juices, no nuts. No snacks. And drinking distillated water for some time, to help natural chelation and cleansing the body.

Nowhere near pleasant, especially that Bell insisted he eat enough _not_ to lose any weight, and that might be difficult with hardly any carbohydrates. Ah.

But it’s just short-term. And he really, really wants to be all right.

The day passes quickly and lazily; Rhodey has a look at the reactor and accelerator specs before leaving and agrees that they seem perfect, so JARVIS sends an order for all necessary parts that need to be manufactured in various SI factories.

Tony _does_ take his time, leaving alone the upgrades for suits that he’s been thinking about – well, truth to be told he’s _always_ thinking about some suit upgrades – and spends a great amount of time just walking around, finally convincing himself to get more familiar with the place _his_ way (although he loathes to call it that. _His._ ) He has JARVIS play him some movie and makes a dinner for himself. It’s just steamed vegetables with some free-range chicken breast, so it’s easy and quick to prepare and doesn’t even taste that bad.

Pepper and Rhodey come back around eight again. They eat while Tony drinks his smoothie and listens to their chatter. It’s pleasant.

It’s just like being normal.

***

The next few days pass in similar manner. Sometimes Tony feels like he is getting used to the place, but the next moment he just wants to go back – somewhere. He wants to think Malibu, but Malibu is a lovely dream from far away, as he knows that if he did go back there, he would just feel imprisoned again. It would be like taking a step back.

He doesn’t really go outside, not yet, but he opens the windows often and just lays on his back on the sofa or bed or seats comfortably, breathing is the warm air, listening to the New York noises outside and doing nothing. It’s relaxing and strange.

Natasha comes by next Monday; it sounds different when she walks and Tony asks her straight away, instead of a hello:

‘What happened? You okay?’

‘Yes, okay, just sprained my ankle, I should be cleared for field ops in a week. Coulson says sorry for not coming in the other time he came for Pepper, but he was leaving the country a few hours later. He promises he will come when we have this one big situation resolved. I should actually be working on it, too – but well. It can wait a few days.’

‘Whoa, you’re talkative today,’ Tony comments, leading her to the kitchen. ‘Tea? Coffee?’

‘Coffee. I was impersonating this chatty high society girl for a few days, just came back in the morning – I need some time to calm down and stop acting.’

‘No, I like it when you talk,’ Tony tells her, putting beans into the coffee maker and letting JARVIS do the rest. ‘Like living on the ground?’

‘I really do prefer being up,’ she tells him. ‘Much less morons to deal with.’

‘I take it you are okay being around people when it’s mission, and that’s what you usually pretend to do, hmm? But then, you need quiet time to balance that.’

‘Wow, Stark, you are _insightful_ today,’ Natasha laughs, sitting down finally.

‘I used to do the same,’ he offers as the coffee starts to gurgle. ‘I know me at someone’s parties or _my_ parties were all over the news for decades, but when everyone was gone, I would just go to the workshop and do my job. Soothing.’

‘Only you’d find motor oil scent soothing, Stark.’

‘Didn’t I insist you call me my name some time ago?’ Tony says dreamily, playing along, and takes the coffee cup from the machine delicately. _Seventeen steps to four o’clock_ , he tells himself. _No obstacles in between._ ‘You find shooting and beating people up soothing.’

‘Fair point,’ she agrees and puts one teaspoon of caramelized sugar in the cup before taking a sip. ‘Lovely,’ she murmurs and Tony laughs.

‘You are not going to give my secret away to that candy shop man?’

‘Rhodey told you about Adams?’ Natasha asks, surprised, making Tony grin.

‘Of course he did. We are best buddies. He tell me all the good stuff…’ he adds. Natasha scoffs; Tony can only imagine her scowling. Well, he can only _imagine_ _her anyway_.

Tony tells her about the _detox_ thing and she insists on teaching him some yoga moves that are good for lungs. Tony tries to talk himself out of it, but she doesn’t let him – she’s far too good at word sparring for that. He is not sure he can even do whatever she might ask him to do – given the reactor and all the implications.

It turns out he can, even if it does leave him sore in some strange places, but it’s – different that everything he’s been doing, and rather nice.

Natasha observes his reaction and when she sees he’s quite content with the exercises, she informs him she will come by anytime she has time to teach him some more.

 _Wow,_ Tony thinks _, that is a nice thing to do._ But he can’t quite get why she would do that for him, when they are practically strangers; he knows better than trying to talk her out of it though.

‘When I can’t come for a long, do you mind if I send Barton?’ she asks him when they are resting after the work out, Natasha with a nice chocolate protein shake and Tony with his _usual_.

‘Barton does _yoga_?!’ Tony exclaims from behind his glass. He’s only met the man twice, really, and heard about him a few times from Coulson and Natasha, but the marksman doesn’t strike him like a man who would do yoga _at all_.

‘I taught him some. It is easy for him, he does a lot of acrobatics.’

 _Now, that sounds even less like someone I would expect him to be_. But then, he would never say that someone as – average as Coulson could be a man that high up in the most secret government agency in the whole country.

Natasha stays for the dinner, observing Tony working on a project for SI and choosing a place to assemble the accelerator, since it needs _maximum_ security and as little people to know as possible.

(And the element, the element still needs a name, argh.)

JARVIS amuses her with a virtual shooting range – the workshop is just as high-tech as the Malibu one, so it’s just one moment for the A.I. to manipulate the holograms, since Tony doesn’t use them.

Tony cooks for himself again and Natasha helps him prepare food for everyone else; she makes a porcini risotto and he tries not to envy them all too much. _Twenty two days to go, and don’t start on counting hours,_ Tony orders himself.

***

Later that week, Pepper lets him stay in the house alone. It feels a bit ridiculous, since the rule has been on for a few months, no matter how childish – and rational at the same time – it was. Rhodey needs to go to the HQ for a whole day; apparently the situation that Natasha has been talking about has become big enough for Fury to call Rhodey is for a day-long debrief. Pepper has three meetings in one day and none of them can be attended by one of her deputies, so Happy is required to drive her around.

‘I will be okay,’ Tony assures her before giving her a goodbye kiss and letting her slip out of his embrace and leave. The house is quiet, too quiet; it’s far from being deadly silent, but Tony still finds himself expecting the ocean’s murmur unconsciously.

In the end, he settles down in the main living room that feels most safe and soothing, asks JARVIS to play some soft music in the background and just relaxes, doing some of Bell’s exercises. He’s become good at that, and for once, it really does help him calm down a little bit.

But underneath it, there is still some – restlessness.

‘J, I have a question…’

‘Yes, sir?’ the A.I. prompts, refraining from some sarcastic comment for once. Tony wonders if there is something in the tone of his voice that gives him away.

‘You think I am worthy of Pepper?’ he murmurs, knowing that keeping his voice down is rather pointless as the A.I. will hear him anyway, but it just feels _easier_. Huh.

‘Why would you ask such a silly question, sir?’

 _Oh, here_.

‘Just answer me, okay?’ (That’s it. His voice is just too tense.)

‘You know I rely on algorithms and calculations and the information available online, sir –’

‘And your experience –’

‘Yes. And I can’t see any indication why you would not be worthy of Miss Potts, although I can see where the question is coming from. Even if it is ridiculous, sir.’

_Could you make it any more complicated, J?_

‘I don’t know if there is anyone or anything that you wouldn’t be worthy of,’ JARVIS adds. Tony scoffs and decides that his baby bad lost his mind.

‘Don’t you try to make me a bit too good, now?’

‘I really believe that, sir. And I know Miss Potts does, too.’

Well. Tony can’t deny that it’s – nice to hear that, even if terribly exaggerated, but he lets it go. JARVIS stays silent for a few minutes, but then asks the inevitable question –

‘Why did you ask me that, sir?’

– even though he knows the answer, and that’s _exactly_ what Tony tells him.

‘I think it’s a splendid idea, sir,’ JARVIS replies in an unusually content voice. ‘Do you want me to help you order a suitable ring?’

‘Oh, no, J, no cheating,’ Tony says with a smile and gets up. ‘I will _make_ her one. And I will make it out of our new element.’ (There, suddenly there is a brilliant idea in Tony’s mind and he _loves it_.) ‘I will let her name it,’ he adds.

JARVIS behaves a bit too happy for the rest of the day, even if no one but Tony notices.

***

The next time Tony stays in the house alone is a few days later and for the first time he understands how _right_ Pepper’s request for someone to stay with him, back then, was.

He does his workout and breathing practice, makes himself lunch and works for some time, but later in the afternoon, he ends up in the kitchen with a remote headache, sitting by the table and sipping the smoothie slowly, feeling panic slowly raising as strong spring sunrays smother his back.

It is safe, the house, it is far away from all dangers and curious eyes. But that means nothing. It feels as cold and alien as the German hospital did, it feels just as wrong as all the hotels he’s stayed at in his life did. No one by his side – not that he would be okay just with anyone, these days, but yes, he used to – and just the darkness around, it all just makes him feel lost and confused.

Like when he woke up for the first time. It’s _scary_.

He feels like he wants to scream or cry or both, but – he is not allowed.

‘Sir,’ JARVIS cuts through his thoughts, his voice blank and loud. ‘Perhaps it would be better if you went down to the workshop. You don’t have to work, you should rest, but you can just stay on the sofa there.’

Tony frowns, because he doesn’t know why exactly the A.I. would propose something like that, but he obeys because everything is better than just staying in one place and waiting to fail. So he goes down and lays on the sofa, feeling so, so tired despite the huge – incredible, talking about Tony Stark – amounts of sleep he’s been getting.

JARVIS doesn’t have any surprise prepared for him. The room is just as warm as Tony likes though, and the oxygen level is a bit higher than normal what makes breathing a bit easier and eases the headache.

The bots roll by, though, and make him pet them until his arms ache. It’s a great feeling, Tony just adores the familiarity of their bodies, the metal and plastic, the textures and shapes, the noises and the impatience that seems to be a trait inherited in Stark family.

This is exactly what he needs, he discovers.

Pepper finds him asleep on the sofa and Tony can tell straight away that she is smiling.

They proceed to the routine and when they are in the bed, tired and happy, Tony decides he needs to tell her that one thing he’s just realized today. It took him _so long_.

‘I know this is going to sound incredibly cheesy…’ he starts, but stops to note Pepper’s reaction; she doesn’t say anything so it’s hard. ‘You know, Pepper, I was thinking and I was surprised, I keep being surprised by how everything has changed, even if I know it was inevitable – I’m rambling already, aren’t I?’ he sighs and pauses for a moment. ‘What I wanted to say is – you know, I’ve never missed home when I was a kid. Sure, it sucked and it hurt to see how Howard was glad to have me away because I’ve never been anything more than a problem. But I never missed home when I was in the boarding school and certainly I never missed it when I was at MIT either. It’s never felt like – like a place where I’d always want to come back. At all.’

‘Tony, you don’t have to –’ Pepper starts, but Tony shakes his head for no and she stops.

‘Then, when they died… I inherited everything and I remade the mansion so that it was everything that Howard would have hated, but I never spent time anywhere but the workshop when I was – alone. Without a woman. You know how I was. And then, when I bought the Malibu house a year later and moved there and created JARVIS and all the other bots and everything that I’ve always wanted, _like_ I’ve always wanted, it was the first house where I felt like home. But when I came back from _there_ , the way I am now, it was completely different again, all of sudden. Unknown and alien territory that I had to re-learn and as much as it felt familiar and nice, I can’t not _feel_ good there anymore. Like it is… stained, or something. You know.’

‘I’m –’ she tries; Tony can only imagine what she’s thinking. Well, he does sound kind of depressing; it’s strange, looking back at the time when he (almost always) felt like he was the luckiest man on the earth and realize how – empty it was.

( _So, you have everything – and nothing._ )

‘So now we are here,’ he starts again ‘and it is me, being back at the house that I’ve learned to accept but I thought I would rather abandon and forget if I could – just thank gods I was clever enough to have J installed here, or it would be a disaster, _really_. But when I thought about it more, I… Okay. That _is_ cheesy. I… think that at this point, it doesn’t really matter that much _where_ I am. You see – I mean, I don’t know if I will ever be used to the way the world is to me _now._ So I don’t know if any place would feel _good_ , or safe, or anything… But then, there are you and Rhodey and the bots and J of course, and I guess that is all I need? Whenever I might be. So there.’

‘That is…’ Pepper says, but doesn’t continue, and a cold shiver runs down his spine. _That is what, silly? cheesy? pathetic? sentimental?_ ‘That’s one of the nicest things that anyone has ever told me,’ she finishes finally and moves closer to him, cuddling against his side.

(He really doesn’t know what to say to that, so he stays quiet. Pepper doesn’t speak again either and they fall asleep calmly.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The story I wrote in the meantime is up here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/706357) It’s post-Avengers, Tony & Clint, healing & friendship. I’d love if you had a look? :) (Just, if you want to, heed the warnings, please.)


	18. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, predictably, I’ll end up with twenty chapters, the last three a bit shorter. It seems to work better with plot this way. Hopefully everything is on time and the last piece will be up in a week.
> 
> Well, I hope you like this chapter. Enjoy.

 

Tony and JARVIS decide finally which location to choose for the future whatever-the-name-might-be-in-the-future element to synthesize and send a note to the factories telling them where all the parts will be assembled.

Natasha comes again, to say hello before she has to go _somewhere far_ to finish her op and help the good guys figure out what the bad ones are planning. They do some yoga, talk and eat lunch and she disappears the same quick and soundless way she appeared.

Tony finally gets this explanation of the brewing mission from Rhodey: _there are some unusual things going on in Russia, Tony, S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that are tracking certain gangs and individuals and certain circulation routes have picked up a few unusual demands and it doesn’t sound too good – stop whining now, I will tell you more when I know everything in detail, there is no point in repeating you all the nonsense we’ve been over all day long._

‘Well, I guess I was never supposed to do anything but approve missions –’

‘Oh, Tony, you silly, silly man,’ Rhodey interjects. ‘I _do want_ you to be part of the mission. But you have some strange illusions about what we’re doing in HQ, hmm? I actually did tell you what I’ve been doing most of the time.’

‘Yeah, study plans, talk strategies, chose weapons, study modern history and all the secret politics that no one knows about, ah, and _learn languages_ –’

‘Oh, but I never got a chance to study Russian before, Tooony,’ Rhodey says sweetly. Tony can feel the man’s eyes on him, so he sighs heavily. If the mission is supposed to be in Russia, it makes _some_ sense to be able to understand the natives at least a bit, but Rhodey is supposed to just come and do the tough job and then go away, no?

Well. S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to care a lot about the education of its agents, that’s for sure.

‘Anyway, Coulson will be back from Russia for a few days. He’s been there for a long time and Fury is sending someone else in for half a week. You are invited to come over.’

‘Huh?’ Tony asks intelligently, confused by the sudden change of subject. ‘ _Come_ _over_?’

‘Sure. Unless, he said, you prefer him to come here? But Fury wants to talk with you, too, and some of the tech guys, so instead of one trip you might end up getting a lot of visitors.’

Tony takes a deep breath and considers, but he isn’t quite sure what should be the answer.

‘If you don’t feel like going there yet, I will just tell them so, Tony,’ Rhodey assures him easily. ‘That’s not a problem.’

‘I guess I _should_ go.’

‘Forcing yourself is  – we’ve been here only for what, two weeks?’

‘Two and a half –’

‘Even I still get lost in this house, Tony,’ Rhodey doesn’t let him finish again. ‘I _know_ this is difficult for you in more ways than one. But that’s what you wanted, no? You wanted us to be out. We are, and it’s – refreshing. Better. Healthier. For all of us. I know you don’t want anyone to spot you and begin all that media frenzy anew because it’s less than pleasant, but it is bound to happen sometime, unless you plan to become a hermit and stay away from all human life for the rest of your life.’

‘I don’t –’

‘Good. Are you coming then, or not? Give me a quick answer. Gut feeling, no overthinking.’

‘Monday,’ Tony replies quickly, not knowing where the words come from. ‘I will be ready for Monday.’ (That gives him full three days to _prepare_.)

***

When Rhodey goes up to his room, Tony leaves Pepper to her manicure and pedicure and whatever she might be doing and goes down to call Chiara. There is three hours of time difference between them now, so it’s a perfect time for a talk; Tony knows she will be just starting  cooking dinner after work.

‘Is it normal than I am feeling scared again?’ he asks her, sounding just a bit too distressed, as soon as she picks up, knowing that she will not mind the forwardness.

‘Of course it is, _tesoro_ – when I teach my people routes, to work or school or wherever they need, they can know every inch between themselves and the destination and it works perfectly, but as soon as they are to go somewhere they haven’t been before – you know. Whole new world.’

‘Are you _really_ quoting  Disney to me?’ Tony wonders aloud, amused, trying to pick up all the noises in the speaker to figure out what exactly she is doing. Chopping something at the moment, he guesses, but the knife’s noise is barely audible.

‘Whatever works,’ she replies brightly. ‘But more seriously, it is normal. You’ve just made a colossal jump and I would actually be worrying if you didn’t need adjustment period. You will get used to it, to the space, to everything. Are you doing okay with getting around?’

‘The house is too damn big for me to feel comfortable on my own, _even_ if I calculate all the numbers in my head. And I’m not cheating with JARVIS, so yes, you can say my orientation exercises are going pretty damn well.’

‘Glad to hear it – a second,’ her voice disappears for a moment, letting some remote voices from tv pour into Tony’s ear. ‘Sorry, had to take a thing out of an oven. So, when can I come over?’

‘Uhm, I don’t know? In three-four weeks, maybe? Sorry that it’s that long, but we’re busy with work here and I’m not exactly acclimated –’

‘Don’t be silly, Tony, you don’t have to apologize, you’re being ridiculous –’

‘– and I’m wouldn’t want to miss you cooking, _oh please_. I’m doing this detox-y diet, to help with getting rid of the palladium, I can’t eat normally now –’

‘Ah,’ Chiara sighs. ‘Okay. I was going to say that I will be pretty busy next few weeks anyway, I have a hectic time at work and I could use some rest _after_. So there, it fits. Just _please_ don’t go around feeling guilty for something so silly.’

‘Sure thing,’ Tony agrees a bit tightly.

‘So, tell me how are things,’ she encourages, and they talk for almost an hour, until Pepper calls him via JARVIS and orders him to come to bed. Tony says goodbye and promises to call again soon.

***

Grayson comes over on Saturday; he takes a commercial flight, refusing to go by Tony’s jet.

They _talk_ , and Tony tells him that he’s feeling better and everything seems to be working out despite the discomfort of moving to another place, but that is completely normal. Grayson seems happy with his progress with doctor Bell, and in the end decides that since Tony is doing okay and the meds are working, they can make the meetings less frequent, settling on once every two months, _unless you’re feeling worse_.

(Tony kind of feels like asking the man if he is well enough already to stop taking the medicine, but yes, it’s the cliché problem with people like him, feeling better means the meds are working and not that you are suddenly healed. And, it was just a month ago that he’s been still feeling more like never leaving his bed again than anything else. So he doesn’t ask.

He still does, sometimes, but never gives in to the desire.)

Then it’s Sunday and Tony spends the day with Pepper. Rhodey and Happy have time off and since they are _in the city_ and not on the outskirts and far from civilization (well, the human part) they disappear from the house to do whatever normal people might do.

Tony and Pepper spend most of the day in bed, it’s half that they don’t have to go anywhere or rush anyhow, and half that the sex is unspeakably amazing.

Also, it’s easier not to think about tomorrow when Pepper is talking; Tony prefers to focus on her voice and her body and everything that she is, next to him, rather than his own anxiety.

***

But the hours pass and inevitably it’s Monday all too soon.

‘You don’t have to go, sir,’ JARVIS reminds Tony for what feels like millionth time, when is in the workshop in the morning. He left the sunglasses there, since he hasn’t been using them to get around the house. ‘I can call Agent Coulson –’

‘We’ve talked about this, J. Daddy needs to act responsible, like an adult, not hide away in his lair. And I don’t care what you have to say about adjustment.’

‘I just don’t like seeing you distressed.’

‘I know, J, I know,’ Tony sighs, moving towards the main workspace and finding the glasses in three hand movements. Not bad. He puts them on, followed by the earpiece, connects all the pieces, hides the skin-colored wire that goes down to arc reactor under clothes before buttoning his shirt up.

The bots get a goodbye pat on their heads – JARVIS has some work for them to do in the meantime, so that they shouldn’t be too naughty – and Tony goes up, grabbing the suit jacket he’s left by the door on his way.

 _Try to look like you’ve got the whole world on its knees in front of you_ , he used to say. Well, he doesn’t say that anymore, but he certainly feels safer playing by it.

Happy drives Rhodey and him to the Headquarters that is closer than what Tony has expected, even with the traffic it only takes them twenty two minutes to get there. The car stops in an underground parking – no contact with the  _outside world_ , that is a comfort in a way – and as soon as the doors open, they are welcomed by a familiar voice.

‘Looks like New York is treating you well, you might be the only one, with the smog and all.’ Then a chuckle. ‘I heard you’ve started doing yoga,’ Barton adds. _Agent is extending his hand, sir_ , JARVIS murmurs into Tony’s ear in between his usual brief descriptions of the surroundings.

‘I was kind of forced. I heard you are good,’ Tony counters, putting the cane in his other hand, and gives Barton a handshake.

‘Hello Rhodey. Somehow I don’t think that’s how Natasha put it, but okay – let’s go. Coulson is waiting in his office with Director. Then they want you to meet with the engineers.’

Tony nods and follows the agent, with Rhodey at his side and Happy staying with the car. He doesn’t have to, but since that’s what he wants, Tony says okay.

As they go through the corridors they don’t meet anyone again. It’s silent and a bit spooky, as if everyone but the three of them has suddenly disappeared, but Tony is glad he doesn’t have to deal with too many people this first time. JARVIS continues narrating, even though there isn’t anything especially interesting around, just doors and staircases, plants and more doors, like in every normal building. Only that this one has a security system more or less like in Pentagon and no one unauthorized can enter; Fury is paranoid for a reason, given things the agency deals with.

‘Set up perimeter just for me again, hmm?’ Tony murmurs as they take an elevator up, four floors. There are eight hidden cameras in the space, leaving no blind spots, Jarvis informs him.

It turns out that Coulson has just as many potted plants in here as on the carrier, and Tony briefly wonders if they are the same, since the ship is unused at the moment, and if he has an intern or some poor young Level One clearance agent to water them for him when the agent leaves for a mission.

Coulson does apologize briefly for not having time to meet with Tony during the last few weeks. He says it as stoically as ever, but according to JARVIS, Fury makes the strangest face for a moment when he hears the words. Tony hands the man a huge bag of coffee and that makes Fury _look a bit envious, sir_.

Tony’s lips quirk upwards in a faint smile, but he doesn’t comment, just finds an armchair for himself and sits down, Rhodey on his left.

‘You sent Barton to pick them up?’ Fury asks incredulously, leaning over the table and looking at the marksman, who is standing by the door, smirking and looking the director in the eye. ‘You let Barton meet Stark? This is going to be a disaster, Coulson. You’re all going to be the death of me,’ he sighs and shakes his head before starting to ask _relevant_ questions. Clint salutes him with an almost straight face and disappears.

There is a talk that takes half an hour and almost makes Tony forget about his own anxiety about being in the unknown space. At least there aren’t many people and they don’t – look at him; he’d absolutely hate that. There is a question-and-answer session, or it at least seems like one, with words being traded quickly and efficiently and Tony enjoys it a lot, especially that it’s almost entirely talk about his future work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and a short personal report about the upgrades that have already been installed, like the comm and security systems. Fury seems pleased with them. JARVIS says Coulson’s face doesn’t indicate anything specific, but Tony can hear in his voice an… encouraging note? Something like that. That’s good.

‘We’ll be installing the new engines in two days, Stark. If the engineers require any help of any kind, who knows what they might need, shall we call you or Rhodes to come over?’

‘Call me,’ Tony states before Rhodey can say anything. ‘I’ll manage.’

‘Good, good,’ Fury replies, shuffling some papers. ‘You’ll be all right here, hmm? You’ll take care of them from now on, Coulson?’

‘Yes, sir,’ Phil replies and Fury leaves the room with a sweep of his black coat. ‘Can I call the engineers to come over now? They have some questions and a few details they want to take care of before – they will tell you themselves. Okay?’

‘Sure, sure,’ Tony agrees and slouches in the armchair, letting his back rest a bit; he’s been somehow sore since starting the breathing exercises and the yoga – even if he doesn’t practice a lot – but breathing _is_ easier now. The difference is almost unnoticeable, but it’s there.

The engineers come soon – it’s the same few people that Tony’s met before, and he’s glad for Coulson’s insight and _not_ making him get acquainted with someone else.

‘I bet they would _never_ let anyone else work with _Tony Stark_ if _they_ can, come on, Tony,’ Rhodey whispers into his ear and they both smirk when the men enter the room and sit down on chairs. Coulson gives them a curt nod and disappears, taking a thick folder and looking a bit tired. Well, as tired as someone as Coulson can look, according to JARVIS’ description.

There is another round of the Q&A game and by the end of it, Tony’s tired, too, and excited because as much as he’d like _not_ to like S.H.I.E.L.D. people as a rule, those men are rather bright and give Tony _ideas._ That’s a very, very good thing.

When they leave, Coulson comes back, his tie loosened and sleeves rolled up. He looks as distressed as is probably possible for him.

‘We’ve got some new intel on the mission, Colonel,’ he says, sitting down and rubbing his temples. ‘There are some rumors that someone in Russia is buying big amounts of palladium.’

Tony’s heart skips a bit, even though he doesn’t know anything specific about the mission, really, just a few very vague words, but that’s – in the light of recent events – _not good_.

‘Can I learn, _finally_ ,what is that damn op about? Why are you being so secretive about it?’

‘Tony –’ Rhodey starts, but Coulson stops him.

‘No, it’s okay. It’s just getting more and more conspicuous and I think that it might be the right time to tell him.’

‘ _He_ is still here,’ Tony reminds them both, a bit irritated, but mostly curious what is the whole thing about and _why_ don’t they want to tell him? _Is it some kind of a supposedly sensitive information?_

 _No information about any operation related to palladium on S.H.I.E.L.D. servers,_ Jarvis murmurs into Tony’s ear, making him frown.

 _So, secret enough to be on paper only_?

‘We are investigating a potential threat in Russia, but we don’t know anything for sure _yet_ ,’ Coulson starts, taking a sip of from a cup that Tony didn’t notice was there. ‘Our informers have been hearing about some questions and requests, unusual ones, since about the time Mark IV was seen by public and declared as a weapon controlled by the U.S. army. We have no idea who exactly is behind it or even where they might be, given the size of the country, is could be anywhere, the sellers and dealers work all across the area to make it easier to trace them.’

‘And now, the palladium –’

‘We have no idea _how_ anyone could know about this. There’ve been only a few people, even in S.H.I.E.L.D., that know that the previous arc reactor used palladium, I don’t know, maybe fifteen? And I myself can vouch for them. We don’t know if there is any other way someone might have learned about it, we can only suspect someone in Russia – Tony?’

‘Yeah,’ Tony replies, acknowledging Coulson’s words. ‘Yeah, let me think – those doctors in Germany, they weren’t told what exactly it is, and just –’

 _Sir_ , Jarvis speaks up and Tony puts up his hand, knowing that Rhodey will be aware that it’s asking for a moment of time. _I don’t think that it could be anyone who has been involved with the arc reactor you were testing for the tower. We picked them one by one. But there is something – on the reactor specs, Howard’s one, from those cases that the films were in – there is also Anton Vanko’s name. Russian physicist._

‘Vanko,’ Tony repeats aloud. ‘Does that ring any bells?’

‘Did JARVIS suggest that?’ Coulson asks in reply, frowning.

‘I’ve got him in the earpiece, _obviously_ , but you know that. Yes, he did. On the big arc reactor blueprints there is his name next to Howard’s. I need a better look at it when I’m home. Doesn’t anyone in your precious agency know anything about that?’ Tony asks, keeping his voice level, but he is slowly getting angry. If anyone knew – _Fury did say he worked with Howard, right?_

‘J, look into it. Look for all info you can find on Vanko for me and have it ready when I’m back,’ Tony murmurs quietly, but sure that the A.I. will pick it up. Then he speaks up. ‘You ask your Director a few questions about Vanko, and when you decide you have something that is worth mentioning, come over. I’m just a tad annoyed that you didn’t tell me before, Phil, Rhodey –’

‘We didn’t know if it was about the arc reactor before that information I’ve just received –’

‘I’m sorry, Phil, but _I don’t care_. I need to think about it. I need to go back,’ he adds softly, turning to Rhodey who nods and gets up.  They leave the room and go back to the underground garage the same say they came up.

‘Just a thought about someone maybe stealing my tech – copying, whatever – I _can’t stand it_ , Rhodey,’ Tony tells him before they enter the car.

When they are back at home, Tony isn’t even excited about the fact that all in all, the visit and the trip outside went rather well, as for him, even if it might have been mostly because his attention was focused on something much more important.

He eats lunch with Rhodey and disappears in the workshop, leaving Rhodey to whatever he might want to do.

‘J, an update on the prismatic accelerator?’

‘It’s just starting to be assembled at the facility, sir. Your or Colonel Rhodes’ presence might be required within three to four days. Also, the new reactor parts are being currently manufactured in respective facilities and will be ready in a week. Then it can be installed and tested within ten days from now. I should congratulate you on the efficiency, sir.’

‘Wouldn’t do anything without you, J,’ Tony murmurs and accepts You handing him the shake without too much fuss.

***

He finishes one little project for SI that takes about half an hour before he manages to relax a bit, even if his thoughts are still fixed on _who_ and _how_. JARVIS asks Rhodey to come down and when the man is there, Tony asks him to take a seat on the sofa and listen to the A.I. and watch – since well, he can – all the information that JARVIS was able to find about Anton Vanko.

Apparently the man was a Soviet Physicist who defected to the Unites States in 1963, accused of espionage and deported in ‘67, and he has a son, Ivan, who was a great physicist, accused of Soviet-era weapons-grade plutonium to Pakistan, served fifteen years in Kopeisk prison. And, suspiciously, _no further records exist._

‘So we’ve got a man that had an access to someone who knew how exactly to make an arc reactor, and is a physicist and a makeshift inventor himself. He should be dead, we don’t know where he might be, and very probably he just wants revenge. _Brilliant._ Why am I always in the middle of some mess?’ Tony ask aloud, in a tired voice because well, he is feeling just a bit resigned.

Sure, it’s _potential_ threat and it’s (hopefully) remote, but everything was just going so well –

‘What do you mean, _you_?

‘Hmm?’ Tony frowns at Rhodey’s words. ‘What do you mean, what do I mean?’

‘How are you in the middle of this?’

‘It’s my tech someone potentially mad wants to copy –’

‘You don’t know anything for sure, Tony. Please stop jeopardizing. We need more intel and more time to analyze everything, okay? S.H.I.E.L.D.’s got it. And me. Just leave it to us, okay? Any insight is okay, just talk it through with me or JARVIS. But it’s _not_ your thing to interfere, Tony. We’ve got it.’

‘So you what, want me to sit back and just let it all happen?’

‘Let _what_ happen, Tony?’ Rhodey asks, raising his voice and getting up from the sofa. The he starts to pace around the workshop, his footsteps erratic. ‘Nothing is happening. S.H.I.E.L.D. really _is_ the best secret agency and they know things before everyone else. We’ll take care of whatever it might be before it will become a threat, okay?’

‘Oh,’ Tony breaths with a sudden realization. ‘So, it’s _us_ and _you_ now, hmm? I see – oh, well, _I don’t._ ’

‘Now you are being silly, Tony –’

‘But I get it,’ Tony cuts in, ignoring Rhodey, not moving from where he is half-laying on the sofa; the man still paces around, footsteps coming from all directions. ‘I get it,’ he repeats easily.

‘There is nothing _to get_ – Tony, you _agreed_ to me being a S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison to SI and to me working in the War Machine _for S.H.I.E.L.D._ I know JARVIS gives you all info when I’m out, from the armor, and great, I’m fine with that, no problem. Hell, I _want_ you to know. But you can’t throw a tantrum when you feel like I’m abandoning you when I am not, when I ask you to sit back and let me and the others handle this situation, especially that we don’t know what it’s about exactly. Okay?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Tony agrees dismissively, for a moment feeling like telling Rhodes that no, he is not going to back away and that he is wherever the colonel is – well, a Mark is, but because Tony sends it – as a backup. In case. In case.

 _No telling_ , he forbids himself silently and grins lazily, knowing that Rhodey is observing him.

‘Tony, now I know you are lying.’

‘Well, you got me there, Mister Insightful,’ Tony says back and curls on the sofa. The workshop feels cold, too cold, even if it’s irrational.

‘Oh, _please_?’

The footsteps stop.

‘Tony? Are you okay?’

‘I am okay,’ he mumbles. ‘I hate being left out, and I’m being left out now and I was being left out like, the whole least year, and it was my own fault in a big part, and I will be left out from now on, too – don’t tell me I won’t. It’s not about the fact that I’d like to be out there and drink and fuck around and all that, of course it’s not – I could be perfectly happy in my cocoon, with Pepper and JARVIS and the bots, you know.’

‘What is it about, then? Exactly? Because you lost me there, man,’ Rhodey says quietly, sitting at the edge of the sofa, next to Tony’s legs.

‘I don’t know,’ Tony replies truthfully, but it sounds like whining. ‘I don’t know, I’m just annoyed, I’m just angry at this situation, I’m just _fucking frustrated_ , you know? I thought it was going to be easier with time, and it’s not – forget it. I – just… don’t patronize me? I don’t know,’ he repeats again, quieter. ‘I need to think this over, I just need some time and I will calm down, I will be okay –’

‘I don’t want you to _act_ like you’re okay just because you’re good at these shit-eating smiles and acting cheerful and even appearing to be okay. You get it? I don’t want that. I want you to be honest, even if you want to tell me how much you hate me right now.’

‘What? No – no, Rhodey. Don’t get _me_ wrong. I just – I hate this situation. Everyone keeps telling me to take my time, and Chiara says it’s such a long process and – I’m not getting better. I know that I’m not. I’m just getting more frustrated. I just want to _see_ something, you know? Just a little thing. One thing. Pepper’s face or something. Dummy. My reflection in the mirror. _Anything_.’

Rhodey stays silent for a few moments before moving and putting hands on Tony’s shoulders slowly.

‘Come on,’ he says, pushing Tony a bit. ‘Come on, get up. This certainly will not make you feel better. Please?’

Tony does sit up, like Rhodey asked, but stays nestled in the sofa.

‘It actually feels worse now,’ Tony admits in an almost inaudible voice, but Rhodey is very close. ‘Because – thinking that I was dying, I could use some my time to the fullest, like I wanted to. I could. But then I suddenly have so much time… I  didn’t expect to stay live, when I was in the cave, and then I knew from the very beginning that the palladium, you know, I just ignored it for as long as I could – this, this was supposed to be for a short time. And now I know I will be _blind_ for the rest of my life, years, _decades_ , and I just don’t want that. It’s scary. It’s been months and it’s still scary. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.’

‘I’m very happy that you are telling me this – well, happy that you are talking, at least – I don’t know what to tell you, Tony. I don’t have an answer,’ Rhodey adds, squeezing Tony’s hand, and it does feel reassuring as intended. Having someone there and not _just knowing that someone might come._ ‘Have you given some though to therapy, Tony? Because clearly, the medicine is doing a good job, but not good enough –’

‘I did, for a moment’ Tony cuts in, surprised by his own eagerness to reply. ‘When I talked with Grayson when I thought I was – going to be dead soon. You know. Kind of changes the perspective.’

‘So?’

‘I thought maybe I would if I had time. But back then I didn’t have time.’

‘Now you have it, Tony. Come on, I know this is difficult for you, but we’re worried about you. Me and Pepper and JARVIS and everyone here, and Coulson and all those people that got to know you a bit better. We need you. _Pepper_ needs you.’

‘I know,’ Tony whispers. ‘Believe me, I know.’

They sit without moving for some time; JARVIS plays a movie that Rhodey doesn’t seem to pay too much attention to; Tony likes the soft noise around, even if he doesn’t listen to the words.

_I hate admitting weakness._

(Stark men do never, never let anyone see their weaknesses, boy. Do you understand me?) _Fuck you, Howard_ , Tony thinks, shaking his head. _Thanks for fucking me up for lifetime_.

‘I will call Grayson this week,’ Tony decides to say in the end, and it does sound like a promise.

***

The few days are – tense, even if it’s not obvious or anything. The tension is between Tony and Rhodey, or maybe rather Tony and the whole world, and it’s like a hidden current in the dynamics between them, with no grudge and no anger; it’s just waiting for something to happen. Rhodey doesn’t push Tony about his declaration to contact Grayson and Tony keeps trying to muster up the courage to do so – which is ridiculous itself, but every time he is just about to call, he backs away and decided to do it _soon_.

If Pepper notices anything is different than normal, she doesn’t say anything. It’s hard to tell for Tony if she does, since she’s pretty busy at work and comes home even a bit later than recently, and when she does she is too tired to do anything but eat, relax and sleep with Tony.

It’s a good routine though, so he doesn’t protest.

Rhodey goes to the Helicarrier again for a debrief about all the new intel that keeps being gathered, the speed of the whole op preparation accelerating, possibly because Natasha was sent to Russia finally and could do her usual undercover job better than anyone else.

(Neither Tony nor Rhodey tell Pepper about what’s going on with S.H.I.E.L.D.)

In the end Tony does call Grayson on Saturday evening, when Pepper is taking her usual long bath – Tony is in the workshop, nowhere near, but Pepper doesn’t seem to mind that he can’t stand the noise of water around. She doesn’t seem to mind helping him with cutting his hair – it’s just trimmed pretty short, now – and shaving, and she doesn’t say anything when he doesn’t talk about the water thing and keeps taking _sponge baths_. All these months.

‘Doctor?’ he asks as soon as the man picks up the phone.

‘Tony. I would say it’s nice to hear from you – but is something wrong? You never call me. Are you okay?’

‘I’m… no different than any other day,’ Tony offers, chewing his lip nervously and tapping his fingers on the work desk he is sitting by. That’s honest truth at least. ‘I wanted to ask you for – a favor.’

‘A favor?’

‘I’d like you to help me find a… find a therapist,’ Tony utters and feels silent quickly, waiting for the man’s response. It comes after a long pause.

‘I am very happy with this decision of yours, Tony. I just need to ask you, what help are you exactly looking for? I mean –’

‘You mean I’ve got a good handful of issues here, I know, that’s okay… It’s just, the depression, I guess? Anxiety? I – I don’t really have those nightmares anymore, the last one I has was when I has to change the thing in my chest, it’s such an obvious trigger... I’m scared of the dark. The future seems – overwhelming. I can’t balance it out by the good things.’

‘Okay…’ Grayson mutters. ‘Can I just tell you a few names and phone numbers? I know two or three people that could be suitable for you. In the area. You should give them a call and talk before making any decision.’

‘Of course,’ Tony agrees and nods at JARVIS to note the names and numbers as Grayson recites them, the sound of rustling paper clearly audible through the speaker. ‘I’ve got it,’ he assured the doctor when the man is finished. ‘I will call – thanks.’

‘I’m really very happy that I could help you, Tony. I will see you in about three weeks?’

Tony agrees and they exchange goodbyes and hang up.

***

Sunday morning, JARVIS tells Tony that the prismatic accelerator is ready and someone can come by to oversee the first use at the facility, and the reactor is almost ready, too, so as soon as they synthesize enough of the element, the reactor can be started and tested. (And there are only two weeks left until Tony’s appointment with doctor Bell.)

Perfect.

Tony tells Pepper both of the news.

She says she is happy the reactor is coming together and that she will soon be able to confirm the project for SI Energy department.

She kisses him and promises _something special_ when he tells her about the therapy, even if it’s not set yet, but she declares that since he’s _decided_ , he deserves – well, not exactly a reward. He has to know that she is damn proud of him.

***

In the end it’s Rhodey to go to oversee the particle accelerator startup, since Tony has a meeting with one of the three therapists that Grayson recommended; he did call all of them and chose the one that seemed _best,_ whatever that might mean. Grayson must have talked with them before, informing that _hey, you know this guy, Stark, he’s got some issues, would you like to look into how fucked-up he is, and try at fix at least some of it?_ Or, that’s how Tony would have done it, at least. The fact is that they are much too casual for them not to have expected such a call.

The colonel leaves at eight in the morning, since he has to drop by HQ before going to the SI facility; Tony is still in bed – following Pepper’s orders obediently, since it’s over halfway through the detox-thingy.

Tony must admit that he feels – better, fresher, more energetic. More _alive_ – physically – than he’s been for a long time. JARVIS checks the palladium levels daily and they do seem to drop consistently, thanks to all the combined treatment, and especially distillated water, it seems. That’s the most painful thing, because seriously, he _physically_ misses something normal to drink, like juice or soda, but they are still on the black list.

***

The meeting with the therapist (at least ten years younger than Tony, a skinny black man with too much hair and a deep soothing voice) goes okay. Tony tries, yet, again, to be as open as he is able to make himself and he gets _praised_. Isaac – apparently they are on first name basis from the very beginning, how sweet – doesn’t seem surprised and perplexed with anything that Tony tells him, which makes Tony feel a bit better.

The hour passes in a blur and they set a meeting for the next Tuesday.

Coulson calls after lunch, telling Tony that Fury will come over to talk about Vanko the next day and informs Tony that he himself is going back to Russia to assist Natasha and a dozen other agents.

A bit later, Rhodey – via JARVIS, who is controlling security in the facility – checks in and reports that everything is going well and the accelerator works wonders, leaving all the small science division that has been chosen to oversee the project with mouths hanging open.

Now it’s time to get really started on the Tower plans.

‘J, I need you to help me with finding a suitable place for the building. In Manhattan, obviously. Price doesn’t matter, obviously – just make it is quick as possible.’

‘Of course, sir,’ JARVIS replies smoothly. Tony can tell that he is content, and he shares the feeling completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (So, I wrote another of those oh-boy-I-need-a-break-from-this stories! [ In a strange world ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/713910). Steve/Tony for a prompt callling for an AU where Tony doesn't leave the Iron Man Suit. I'd love you if you gave it a look <3)
> 
> And thanks for reading :)


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you for all the kudos, bookmarks, subscriptions and comments so far. It's the most rewarding thing that an author can wish for!
> 
> I hope this chapter is not too messy, but I am bad with plots, hah. Only one more chapter to go, this time for real I won't be changing the number. It should be up on Saturday. 
> 
>    
> ([so I got myself a tumblr after all this time and decided to start using it. I will be mostly posting ficlets there, but I'd be happy to answer all your questions too. feel free to follow! <3](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com/))

Meeting with Fury isn’t the way Tony wants to begin a day ever again, even if it’s not the Director’s attitude itself, but the information that he brings. And _the talk_. That involves Howard. Tony doesn’t think it’s the best idea anytime, but in the morning, when he can’t even have a glass of bourbon or at least a cup of coffee, it’s just mean.

Tony leads the man to the living room and offers him a drink, but Fury refuses and promptly sits down, putting a thin folder on the coffee table.

‘This is all S.H.I.E.L.D. has on Anton Vanko, with my personal input. I’ve been around when Howard was working with him on the first arc reactor. Never liked him, mind you, don’t think anyone did, but the man was clever.’

‘Anything I don’t already know in the folder?’ Tony asks, still up, pacing around the room slowly. JARVIS has accessed S.H.I.E.L.D. files, but there wasn’t that much more information that wasn’t publicly available.

‘A few things, yes, but it’s more of a personality assessment than technical stuff. Have a _look_ at it later.’

‘Sure will… What is it with his son, though? Are you going to what, capture him? Kill him?’

‘You see, Stark,’ Fury starts, clearing his throat. ‘The arc reactor – your father wanted it to stop the arms race. Anton saw it as a way to get rich, when your father found out, he had him deported. When the Russians found out he couldn’t deliver, they shipped his ass off to Siberia and he spent the next twenty years in a vodka-fuelled rage,’ Fury sighs. ‘Not quite the environment you want to raise a kid in – the son that we’ll have a misfortune to meet soon. If everything goes according to our plans, and it always does.’

‘So it is the son…’ Tony muses aloud. ‘So, it’s personal.’

‘Personal?’

‘You know, abusive environment, blaming America and blaming _me_ , probably – I bet he would come over to the States, huh? At some point?’

‘This is a possibility, yes. Although it might be more difficult since you – the public doesn’t know what’s been going on with you this last year, no one but your people and S.H.I.E.L.D. knows that you’re in New York. That, for once, is your advantage. And we really wouldn’t let the man come to America.’

‘So, what exactly do you plan to do?’ Tony asks, stopping by the other armchair and resting his hands on its back, not even pretending to face the director; he’s not in the mood for the usual farce.

‘I’ve got a couple of good agents planted in the area, but we can’t get too close because Ivan could get suspicious. They monitor the questionable substances’ traffic and have an eye on the perimeter, but we can hardly do anything until we know what tech exactly he’s constructed, ‘cause I’m not going to endanger my people unnecessarily. If he’s got an arc reactor, he might have some pretty clever installation to use it. We’ll need to do lots of recon before cornering him.’

‘And you’d prefer to have him alive.’

‘We usually do, Stark. _Information_. Although his case is, as you said, more personal. He isn’t part of any mafia or smuggling club right now, or any other organization. Just one man with too much brains for his own good, and a strong, strong need of vengeance.’

‘Doesn’t sound too good,’ Tony comments, shrugging.

He’s been preparing a few neat upgrades for War Machine for a possibility like that, so he’s quite sure Rhodey will be safe. And then, with Vanko out of the picture, it’s just one thing less to worry about, and Tony is _fucking bored_ with constant worrying (yes, there are two suits on standby right now, besides Mark IV.)

‘It’s going to be a few more weeks until we get to the essence of the op, Stark. Can you sit on your ass and wait that long and let us do our job?’

‘We’ll see if I can,’ Tony replies lightly, but Fury chuckles suggestively. ‘Yes, yes, I’ve had this talk with Rhodey already, I’m leaving this to you. But if your dear agency fucks anything up, I’m out unless you beg me on your knees or something.’

‘You can dream,’ Fury counters, getting up. ‘Well, wasn’t that a nice social visit. I’m glad we understand each other. Duty calls. I’ve got a nine o’clock. Oh, and Stark – come by the ship’s dock to see how things are going. I’ve got Rhodes too busy with his work to pull him away. Can you do that?’

Tony wants to laugh the man in the face, but that would be just a tad rude. Because hey, even if he wanted –

‘Pepper is going to kill me if I go alone, and since you won’t give Rhodey time…’

‘I’ll send Barton to get you, world forgive me for that, you two… Okay with you?’

‘I guess –’

‘You give me a call when you want to come in.’

‘Okay,’ Tony agrees weakly, but the man has already left the room. ‘Huh. That was _pleasant_. J, make a note, no Furys around until at least eleven a.m., how did I get talked into visiting the dock? And don’t tell me I don’t have to go,’ Tony adds, moving out of the room himself.

He goes to the workshop, finds a comfortable spot and gives the bots orders for the day.

‘Access Mark VII specs for me, J, we’ve got to have it ready before Rhodey heads out, I’m not going to risk that Russian madman _doing_ something to anyone… I want you to run a simulation of that new reflection panels and the laser beams we’ve been talking about – or no, just tell me what we still need to have a look at,’ he asks JARVIS and they go back to work together.

***

When Tony is back in the workshop after lunch, running numbers for newest model of repulsors with JARVIS, the A.I. speaks up suddenly, turning the background music down to almost inaudible level.

‘Repulsors capacity simulation running, sir – I’ve just found a perfect spot for the tower. Two hundred Park Avenue. There is a building on the spot, but it can be brought down. It could be done in a month, estimated, together with parcel clean-up.’

‘Ooh, J, you _are a saint_ – price?’

‘A rather gigantic sum, sir, open to negotiation. Not overpriced for the area, though.’

‘I want it. And no, stop reading my mind, no consulting with Pepper, because it’s my money and it might be –’

‘Under zero point three of your _fortune_ , sir,’ JARVIS cuts in, making Tony grin widely.

‘Told you not to read my mind, but no, you always have to…’ he says, sighing theatrically. ‘Well. Whatever. Ask who you need to ask and please can I have it done as soon as possible?’

‘I will take care of it, sir,’ the A.I. assures him before the music’s volume goes up.

When the simulation is complete and shows a significant improvement, Tony orders JARVIS to have the upgraded suit manufactured – it only requires the production line back in Malibu to be started and the A.I. can control everything even with the house empty. The parts will just need to be shipped and assembled in NY, since there is no point in putting together a suit when it can’t fly by itself, and Tony doesn’t feel comfortable at all with arc reactors being made anywhere but where he currently is.

‘Now, we can go on to the fun part,’ he announces, moving away from the workbench and setting on a sofa, with the Rubik’s cube in hands, getting closer and closer to solving it every time he tries.

‘What do you have in mind?’

‘We, of course, are going to make plant for the tower. Baby. _Please_. There is going to be a view of Chrysler building, right?’

‘Yes, sir,’ the A.I. replies promptly.

‘I want the tower higher – highest level, a view of the very top of Chrysler. Great sight, Pepper will love the twenties style, right? She is into Art Deco or whatever it is?’ Tony asks, yawning, wondering for a moment if he is right; he is nowhere near as interested in art as she is. He _used to_ be uninterested, now it’s kind of obvious. Huh.

‘I am sure Miss Potts will appreciate your consideration of her aesthetical needs. And yes, that is indeed one of Miss Potts’ preferred styles.’

‘Good. We’re gonna make the tower modern. I don’t care about the outside – okay, you know I care, but you know what I like, find a good architect that will match my style. I want the interior modern but cozy, earth tones, big windows, warm spaces, lots of place for Pepper’s art, make her happy, and at least three floors for my workshop –’

‘Aren’t you getting a little ahead, sir? We don’t even have the parcel.’

‘You know that if money can buy it, I get exactly what I want, J,’ Tony laughs.

‘Of course, sir,’ the A.I. replies mockingly. ‘Any other specifications you want me to make note of now?’

‘You’ll just have to calculate me how much energy we can have safely from the reactor once it is built and we test the real thing – when is it?...’

‘The element is still being synthesized, sir, and the core should be ready for installation in two days. The reactor itself will be finished tomorrow, a day ahead of plans.’

‘Perfect,’ Tony states happily, stretching his strangely tired limbs, and before he knows he falls asleep.

***

Rhodey wakes him up, asking if he is okay, if something happened because _it’s not like Tony Stark to sleep during the day_. Tony agrees, but his mind is still too hazy to answer wittily, so he just nods and shakes his head communicating that he was just tired and everything is all right. Rhodey breathes in relief and helps Tony sit up slowly, handing him a glass of water.

‘Thanks,’ Tony mumbles, drowning it in a few long gulps; it feels strangely sweet on his tongue. Maybe because the pills he took in the morning always leave him with a slightly bitter aftertaste that he hasn’t notices before, as he’s been washing it down with the green shake. And now, his body finally gets the chance to function normally. Or _quasi-_ normally.

‘What have you been up to that exhausted you so much?’ Rhodey asks teasingly, putting the cube on the workbench counter, Tony can tell by the specific sound, it must have fallen on the floor when he was sleeping.

‘Just random work – suit upgrades, for you, too. Nothing special.’

‘Ooh, what do you have for me, man?’ Rhodey asks curiously, sitting down next to Tony, weights on the sofa shifting slightly.

‘All the best toys,’ Tony grins and describes the new ammo and a few minor details, keeping the Mark VII’s existence to himself. Rhodey really, really wouldn’t like him _meddling_.

‘Ah, and I’ve got something for you,’ Rhodey says mysteriously when they finish discussing he armor and get up to make some food. ‘You should know – here,’ Rhodey presses a rather heavy package into Tony’s hand. The element, Tony did ask the colonel to bring him some _for testing_ , since he didn’t feel like sharing his plans just yet.

 _And testing will happen, well, will happen, too_ , Tony thinks with a genuine smile.

***

By the time Pepper is back, the next afternoon – she’s been away from the city for a meeting in Texas, of all places – the parcel is bought and a responsible person whose name Tony doesn’t care to remember is making drafts of a contract with an architect that, according to JARVIS, has so far created buildings that would be to both Tony’s and Pepper’s liking. The demolishing team will be there as soon as they get the green light from the authorities.

‘We did some shopping with J today,’ Tony says easily when they sit down to eat dinner. At least Pepper eats what he does, claiming that it is healthier, so he doesn’t have to envy her the food.

‘ _I_ just do what you tell me, don’t try to put the blame on me, sir,’ JARVIS counters, making Tony snicker and Pepper sigh in resignation. It’s really hard to guess what _the shopping_ could mean when one is talking about Tony Stark, he realizes.

‘No, no, nothing wild, Pepper – remember that time we talked about an arc reactor-powered tower?’

‘Yes?’

‘So, we’ve run numbers for the arc reactor with the new core and it looks very, very good, so I kind of… let myself go a bit ahead?’ Tony half states, half asks, offering Pepper a small smile and hoping that she won’t be too mad. ‘We bought this parcel for the tower, two hundred Park Ave –’

‘Next to the Grand Central Terminal?’ Pepper finishes. Tony cringers a bit, expecting comments about rushing and being a show-off and irresponsible, but they don’t come.

‘I already told J that you need to have the view of Chrysler tower, imagine, the city all in lights under your feet –’

‘That sounds good, Tony,’ Pepper replies, trying to be nice, but he can tell that she is _sad_. He could guess tired, too, but it’s definitely sad, and he _hates_ to make her feel like that and doesn’t understand _why_.

‘Pepper? I don’t have to – I could sell –’ he cuts off, not knowing what to say.

 _Fucking confusing, I wish I could just see her face_. _Or guess what she is thinking._

‘No, that’s a great idea, perfect place, we’ll have good publicity, the first building powered by green energy, they will love it…’

‘But?’ Tony inquires, tensing just a tiniest bit.

‘But, I just – when you say things like that, thinking about me having a nice view and all, you know that it doesn’t matter, right? I know you told me not to mind you, not to concern myself with thoughts about what you can and what you can’t do, but it’s impossible to just not… And you worry if I will like it. And we both know you would have _loved_ it, and it’s just… I am being a terrible person now, right? I know, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t bring it up, it’s just that –  you are just…’

‘Not yourself?’ Tony proposes, trying to make sense out of her babble. He pushed his plate away and rubbing his face with his hands distractedly. ‘No, don’t deny it,’ he adds, anticipating her words. ‘It’s easier to pretend that I don’t care, even if we both know that I do. For now. Okay? Just for now. I will – I will be working on that with Isaac. You know. Maybe it will be some help. Can we pretend a bit? Please?’

Pepper giggles softly on his left. That is a good sign.

‘’Course we can, if you want,’ she replies. ‘But only for some time. I will humor you. And if you feel like you want to – stop – just talk to me, okay?’ she adds seriously, jumping of her high chair and standing behind Tony, wrapping her arms around his waist. ‘I know you’ve been talking to me more than ever, but I want you to know that you never, never have to stop. I’m always here.’

‘I know. I will,’ he assures her, letting himself give in to the pleasant warmth that her arms are on his skin.

They stay like that for a few long minutes before Tony untangles her arms and gets down his chair, too, and brushes her nose with a kiss.

‘Also, I’m going to see Helicarrier in the dock, apparently it’s somewhere near New York,’ Tony informs her in a whisper, because the hell, if everything than everything. ‘Not with Rhodey, with one of the Agents. We’ve met a few times.’

‘And you want me to say what, exactly?’ Pepper asks, cocking her head, her hair tickling Tony’s neck.

‘I want a blessing?’

‘You are such a baby,’ she murmurs in a low voice. ‘Remember? I will pretend with you. I will pretend I don’t worry. I think you will do great. You’ve been doing great so far, and I love you so, so much,’ she adds playfully. Tony doesn’t need any more encouragement, he takes her hand and trusts her to lead him to the bedroom.

***

The rest of the week passes quickly; everyone is busy with their own affairs, yet they still manage to eat breakfast and dinner together every day. It’s one on those things that Tony doesn’t think he will ever get used to; he’s only done it every Sunday for the first few years of his life, until he was shipped off to boarding school. It’s familiar and domestic and it’s a routine, something he still can’t believe he can enjoy.

Wednesday is when Rhodey goes to the SI facility again, breaking free from S.H.I.E.L.D. for one morning, to supervise installation of the new core to the reactor and the big launch.

Nothing blows up and, according to JARVIS, the reactor works at ninety three present capacity, no current problems, no foreseeable problems. The installation is almost frighteningly efficient, even if it’s impossible to guess for how long – it should be okay for years, decades, but Tony always considers all possibilities.

Nevertheless, knowing that the technical side is _possible_ to create,he orders JARVIS to finalize the agreement with the architect, provided that the man will be willing to make all changes to the design that Tony or Pepper or JARVIS or whoever might come up with, as long as they won’t endanger the inhabitants, of course.

Barton comes by on Friday, giving Tony a call maybe five minutes before appearing in front of the house.

‘Natasha says sorry, but she’s still in Russia. You know the op. So, I’m here to spend some glorious time with you, Stark.’

‘Tony – and by the way, is she paying you for doing yoga with random people?’

‘… she promised to get me this special poison they make only in Russia, deepest black market, for my arrows,’ Barton offers easily, with a mischievous note to his voice, but he isn’t kidding. ‘And it’s Clint.’

‘Okay, _Clint_ , forgot I asked,’ Tony laughs and gestures at the man to follow him. ‘Do you _really_ want to do yoga? I mean, I’m not going to make you –’

‘A cup of coffee and a dessert plate? Yes, please,’ Clint cuts in, making Tony chuckle and then laugh briefly. ‘No, honestly, I could use some stretching. The coffee can wait.’

‘Well, there is one good thing that I can tell about you agents,’ Tony comments, entering the elevator and pressing the -1 button. There is no braille or other signs on them, but remembering their sequence was one of the first thing he put his mind to. ‘You do have great taste in coffee.’

‘Well, everyone who can’t tell that stuff is brilliant is definitely crazy,’ Clint states fiercely.

‘How do you _get_ the thing from Phil anyway? I mean, he seemed very possessive of it –’

‘Privilege that comes with being one of his two best agents? That, and he is – kind of my boyfriend.’

‘Ah,’ Tony breathes, brows furrowing.

‘ _Ah_? And what does _ah_ mean exactly?’ Clint asks quickly, not really aggressively, but with a challenging note.

‘So it’s you who waters all those plants?’ Tony blurts out, perfectly serious, and takes a few quick steps to get away from the growling marksman; he disappears into the gym, leaving the man in the corridor, but it’s only a few moments before Clint comes in, laughing and sounding as if he was having the time of his life.

‘No, what I do is steal his coffee cups so that he doesn’t stay up all night working, and drag him to bed, but you _don’t_ have to know about that – he makes the interns who have done something wrong water the plants. As a punishment. He is very vicious when it’s done incorrectly.’

‘I can imagine,’ Tony replies deadpan, taking off his shirt. He is wearing his usual workout tank under and hasn’t bothered to wear proper trousers, staying in yoga pants all day. ‘So, you know, this was actually one of my theories, that threatening people with plants – is your tight yoga costume purple by any chance?’

There is a moment of surprised silence, Clint standing a few feet from Tony, his breathing perfectly clear. (Slower, lighter, calmer than Tony’s.)

‘Your A.I. told you that, no?’ Clint asks, finally moving and taking some of this clothes off. ‘And no, it’s not’ purple,’ he adds, sounding a bit pouty.

‘J, agent here telling the truth?’

‘Agent Barton in indeed wearing a black set of clothing, sir, although the thread is purple –’

‘Only you would use the most advanced artificial intelligence on the Earth to ask people what color of clothing they are randomly wearing,’ Clint states with scenical resignation; Tony can imagine him shaking his head in disbelief. He laughs shortly.

‘I guess it’s only me,’ he agrees easily and starts stretching. ‘J, play us some tunes.’

It turns out that Clint doesn’t like hard rock and absolutely refuses to do any exercises to classic rock, insisting that it’s an unforgivable crime against music. Tony tells him that he is not, _he is not_ under any circumstances listen to pop music, no matter how _funky_ and _cool_ it might be; he is quite sure Clint uses those terrible words on purpose. Tony claims that his hearing is too sensitive to bear that kind of music; Clint goes quiet for a second after that comment, but then they settle on some creepy old Bollywood soundtracks that make it rather hard not to burst out laughing instead of breathing nicely, like the exercises require.

When Clint leaves, after a cup of coffee and some dessert, since Tony _insisted_ , Tony stays in the kitchen and makes himself some food (only a few days left of the diet, hopefully, palladium levels decreasing steadily; a week and a half).

***

Tony has a meeting with Isaac on Tuesday and it leaves him exhausted, more exhausted that he would have ever expected from an hour of _talking_ , but then, he’s never been good at the emotional things and he had to stop himself a few times from bolting out of the room and deciding that he’s not going to put up with all that.

(Childish, childish, he’s promised Pepper and himself that he will be behaving like an adult.)

Isaac seems to be a good person. Tony finds himself genuinely surprised by that, because prior to Afghanistan the only people he gave a shit about were Rhodey, Pepper and Happy. Obie, maybe, but the man was older and a father figure so it was not Tony’s thing to do to care about him. And everyone else, well, they would come and go, claim him and disappear, and he was okay with that. Only that now he wouldn’t be.

He’s met Grayson and Chiara and the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who strangely seem to care about him, as a person, and not just fancy being _friends_ with _Tony Stark_. And it’s somehow surprising, because Tony has never had anything to do with that brand of humans before. He wasn’t one before (he still isn’t sure if he is now).

Tony wonders  if Isaac understands exactly what he means sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that anyone who wasn’t in the same – or at least similar – situation could understand, but he does a good job at making Tony feel okay. Okay with his insecurities and emotions, okay with his own unfamiliar behavior.

The man thanks Tony for being honest and open and willing, and Tony almost blushes at the praise.

The meeting only assures Tony that he _is_ , in fact, ready to go out.

All those people that have been around him recently, Natasha and Clint and Phil even Fury, Tony knows they just want to make him feel comfortable and secure, that they just want to accommodate him and – _help_. Yes, Even Fury. For some reason Tony can’t even begin to phantom.

So, owes them something.

Pepper would probably have his head if he told her that, but Tony doesn’t plan to share – and it’s not _owing something_ as in feeling obliged to give them things because they are being nice, as repaying. It’s more of a feeling that he _wants_ to give them something himself, because well, that’s a nice thing to do, isn’t it? That’s what people that like each other do? At least Tony can figure that much out of the whole _normal_ part of the world around.

He calls Clint in the afternoon and tells him he could come by the next day, if the agent can.

‘With you, man, always,’ Clint laughs, his voice a little distorted by the connection.

‘Don’t think I’m that cheap,’ Tony counters, snickering, and they set the time for nine hundred hours.

In the morning, Pepper gives him a blessing kiss, tells him that he will do great and disappears, heels clicking; Tony is almost used to the way they echo in the high spaces.

Barton comes half an hour early, when Tony is still in the kitchen, finishing his food; at least he is dressed properly. This time.

‘I was hoping you’d be a good host and offer me coffee,’ the agent says as soon as he enters the room; JARVIS let him in the house and of course Clint easily found his way through the maze of corridors.

‘You can make one for yourself, go on,’ Tony sighs, munching his vegetables. ‘Can’t steal any more of Phil’s?

‘He took all he had to Russia,’ Barton's voice comes, muffles, as if he was trying to talk with something in his mouth. Tony decides that he doesn’t want to know.

‘By the way, don’t you have anything better to do?’

‘I’ve done a few tough ops recently, got the right to stay low for some time – besides, no one but Coulson wants to be my handler and take responsibility for me, even for a short time.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ Tony murmurs, setting down the fork finally, but Clint hears it and a moment later something small hits the back of Tony’s head, who, to his credit, doesn’t even flinch. _Huh, didn’t know we could be unsurprised like that. What could he – ah. Cherries._

‘What are you doing, you barbarian, attacking a blind man – and don’t throw around my cherries, okay?’

‘It’s not like you can’t afford some more,’ Clint replies, already munching on one. Tony sighs and gets up.

‘I’m going up for a moment to take some of my stuff. _Help yourself_ to whatever you want, just don’t, I repeat, don’t eat those fig bars from the third cupboard on left of the fridge or you will be the one dealing with my angry girlfriend.’

‘I could order some more fig bars –’ JARVIS starts as soon as Tony is in the elevator, but he just bursts out laughing and doesn’t stop until he’s in the bedroom.

‘Just teasing, J, and you know that,’ Tony mumbles, taking off his shirt. Then he puts on a tank that is lined with a material that hides the reactor light and puts the clothes back on. He grabs the glasses that have been left on the night table, puts them on and installs all elements before buttoning the shirt up. The white cane in hand and he is ready.

(He doesn’t have to tell JARVIS to deploy Mark IV, to follows them up in the sky, _just in case._ )

If he normally would be terrified of what he has agreed to do – especially that Clint insists on driving, and it’s a S.H.I.E.L.D. car and not Tony’s own – he simply _doesn’t have time_. Clint talks almost as much as Tony used to, he ask questions and jokes and pesters Tony, teases him mercilessly and laughs, and Tony can’t help but let himself jump into whatever game the man is playing and enjoy it.

They arrive at the dock after an hour and Tony is aware that so much time has passed (well, fifty eight minutes, three thousand four hundred eighty seconds, roughly) because JARVIS whispers the numbers into his ear.

Then – the whole visit is a blur, Clint drags Tony around much less delicately than everyone who has led him so far, since the blindness, introducing Tony to the very few people they meet, calling them by their names and gossiping for a few moments before moving yet somewhere else. Conveniently, most of the engineers and the all the other workers are out for a two hour lunch break _just_ when Tony and Clint arrive.

Clint reveals Tony the secret of getting people to obey you around S.H.I.E.L.D., it all goes down to having authority passed down by Phil. _Makes sense_.

Tony takes in the noises and scents as they walk, listening to JARVIS’s scarce comments; there are simply too many details to describe, Tony knows, too much to keep talking and listening, and besides it’s not like Tony is likely to visit the place again anytime soon, so there is absolutely no need to clutter his head with more numbers and words.

The best part is a long walk through the Helicarrier itself, though. It’s a space that’s somehow familiar, at least the layout, thanks to all the specs Tony had to study with JARVIS before he could do any upgrade plans, and to his few visits before.

There is no one inside but the two of them and one man, Ramon or Ramos or something like that, Tony doesn’t listen closely because he’s completely absorbed by the incredible change that the space around has temporarily undergone.

It’s – quiet. Quiet, quiet, quiet. The only noises are Clint’s voice and their footsteps and tapping of the cane, and a faint buzz of electricity that is _always_ and almost everywhere, white noise that Tony has learned to acknowledge and ignore at the same time.

Tony filters out the agent’s voice, it’s easy. It feels so quiet, the surfaces are metallic and soft, glossy and soft, made of glass and metal and special alloys and it’s like being in a science fiction movie (sure thing, a flying suit is a sci-fi thing the same way, but it doesn’t _feel_ like that).

Clint leads him to some parts of the ship that Tony has never been to, going up and down stairs, in and out elevators, through doors, there and back.

Tony loves it.

Oh boy, he loves it _so much_ , not that he’s ever tell Fury, but –

‘We could do it better,’ he whispers, knowing that JARVIS will take his words into consideration and no matter how much forward-looking it might be, he knows that he A.I. will have some ideas waiting for him in the workshop.  

About a quarter before the lunch break is supposed to end, Clint tears Tony away from the control station that he’s been surveying and leads him out.

On their way back, Clint plays country music in the car. Tony laughs and argues with him, trying to persuade the agent to play some good old rock, but he loses the fight.

Clint drops him off in the underground garage of Stark Mansion and declines an invitation up, claiming that even if he’s not on an op, he actually does have some things that he has to do instead of postponing them endlessly. Tony salutes him mockingly, goes to the workshop and asks JARVIS to put up whatever he is supposed to work on for SI.

‘Let’s leave my own personal flying fortress for later, baby, just make me a reminder note to include that bastard Barton in my next coffee beans shipping. And how are the tower plans, the architect done yet?’

‘You know, sir, that it isn’t so quick and easy –’

‘Buuut, I am paying him,’ Tony whines, petting Dummy who has rolled to him as soon as Tony stopped moving.

‘Well, I’ve agreed to some details on your behalf, sir, and Mister Lautner said that the draft project will be ready next week.’

‘Tell me what we’ve got, then,’ Tony asks, moving to sofa, You following him to handle him the afternoon shake.

***

Yet another weeks passes quickly, Tony working on some SI projects, Rhodey being in and out at odd hours, getting his head stuffed with Russian phrases, super-spy agency’s strategies and protocols and useless data.

On Friday, JARVIS tells Tony that the architect has finished his draft for the project of the tower and considers it _doable if accepted._ Tony drags Pepper down to the workshop when she’s back home, stealing and muting her cell phone in case someone wanted to interrupt, and shows her the projects. He’s only had JARVIS describe it and, as much as the general idea sounds nice, Tony decides that he can’t be bothered to thing about the details like color schemes or textures – all the data that is not relevant to energy distribution and construction’s safety.

‘I wasn’t aware that you were doing something more than just tearing down the old building for now –’ Pepper comments as soon as she sees what it is about.

‘Pepper, I’m a _futurist_ , I’m always a step ahead – I can’t just sit and do nothing, you know me,’ he adds, kissing her and turning her around so that she can see the JARVIS-made hologram based on the plan. ‘So, do you like it? I like the _technical_ side. A few small changes here and there and I would be very, very happy with it. Pepper? Say something?’

‘Shut up, Tony, you’re not even letting me speak,’ Pepper scolds him, but her voice is happy. ‘I – love it. looks perfect – how many floors, eighty eight? Wow, Tony, that’s a lot, what do you plan to do with all the space? We could –’

‘No, Pepper,’ Tony cuts in, revising the project in his head. ‘No thinking business now, please. Just tell me if you _like it._ Pretty enough? Bad colors? Bad style? JARVIS, show the simulation of the cityscape around, thank you – you see? Perfect view of Park Ave.’

‘This is really good,’ Pepper replies slowly, moving a bit. She is probably playing with the hologram to get a better view of the details. ‘The asymmetry – modern, but with classy colors, unusual eye-catching shape – I thought you were going to put your name on the top?’

‘Well, I guess…’ Tony agrees sheepishly; the idea did sound very good when he was dying, but it seems a bit excessive now – when he doesn’t even contribute to SI as much as he used to –

‘I don’t like what you’re thinking,’ Pepper states, putting her warm hands on Tony’s hips.

‘You don’t know what I’m thinking,’ he counters defensively, but doesn’t move.

‘You are wrong, I do know, and I don’t like it. You’re going to have your name on the tower. In blue, like the reactor,’ she adds mischievously. ‘JARVIS, add the letters to the simulation – yes, here, near the top – perfect. You’re going to _rule_ the city with this flashlight, Mister Stark.’

‘You’re such a mean girl,’ Tony laughs and pulls her into a strong embrace, followed by a cascade of kisses. ‘How about we move this upstairs?’

‘With pleasure,’ she giggles and lets him lead.

***

Tuesday marks yet another meeting with Isaac and Tony is absolutely amazed by the fact that he _can’t wait_ for the visit and that he feels _good_ after.

The next day, doctor Bell finally comes for the check-up Tony, since his more-or-less month of detox has already passed. Tony waits for her in the medical room, shirt already unbuttoned, playing with the Rubik’s cube that he claims he’s really close to solving now, his fingers getting used to the braille more and more, even if JARVIS keeps mocking him (or maybe the more JARVIS mocks him, the more Tony is determined to succeed, because that’s how their _it’s complicated_ relationship works).

‘You are looking better,’ Bell comments as soon as she enters the room and then goes straight to work. It’s a routine by now, maybe not well-established, but still a routine and Tony has starts to appreciate those.

‘You’ve lost weight,’ she comment disapprovingly when Tony is putting on his jeans.

 _Yeah, try to_ gain _weight when you’re eating nothing more than vegetables and cooked meat_ , Tony thinks, annoyed, but he knows she’s right. It’s not much, though, and he is sure he can gain it back without problems.

‘Let me see your precious chest, Stark,’ she orders and he braces himself for the cold touch of the stethoscope. Then it’s poking and prodding and touching, breathing in and out and analyzing blood tests Tony did early in the morning and he is finally allowed to dress himself.

‘Looks good,’ Bells comments, scribbling something like always. ‘The palladium levels are still a bit too high, but it’s nothing health-threatening at the moment. Your body will expel it by itself with time, it will probably take a few months, but right now it’s better to let it do that than to push. Your blood results are okay – we’ll see how it will be when you stop taking the mineral supplements, we’ll see if your body might still need some help. But, you’re off the diet. You need to make it a week of transition back to your normal eating habits, so that it’s not too much of a shock, okay?’

‘Sure,’ Tony agrees impatiently. Somehow, the only thing he can say he misses terribly at the moment is _juice_ , having lived off distilled water and the shakes for far too long.

‘You could keep to ten ounces of the shake a day, though, it will just do you good.’

‘Well, if I have to,’ Tony grumbles, but he knows that at that amount he might even enjoy it.

‘I will see you in a month –’

‘– unless something happens,’ Tony finishes. ‘Thanks.’

‘Sure. I’m really glad that you’re getting better, Star – keep that up and if you lose any more weight, I’ll tie you to bed and have your girlfriend force-feed you,’ Bell replies too cheerfully and disappears.

The first thing that Tony does when he’s in the workshop is call Chiara to _finally_ invite her to come over. She says she will be there for the next weekend.

The second thing that Tony does is take out the cube of the new element from where it is stored in one of the cupboards and decides to finally make use of it. JARVIS has analyzed its properties back in Malibu and Tony knows that it won’t be so tough to work with it, it’s not more difficult than steel when it comes to density, melting point, boiling point – not following the line of modern discoveries. _Well, not a modern discovery here. Just a re-discovery_. (And Dummy will be more than happy to be part of the process and help with making a suitable mold.)

The ring needs to be simple, as simple as it gets; Tony knows Pepper would not appreciate something too big, too flashy. Just one diamond in the middle of the design, and the date inside. Tony decides to keep the inscriptions and anything fancy for – later. _Hopefully_.

Making such a modest thing is quick and pleasant – J.A.R.V.I.S. knows Pepper’s ring size, of course he does, he knows everything – so the ring is done a few hours before Pepper comes home, sitting safely in a fingerprint-opened drawer.

They eat dinner and there is a plate of sliced fruit for the dessert and Tony loves how the sugar tastes on Pepper’s lips.

***

By the time Chiara comes over, Tony is allowed to eat almost normally, save a few selected foods that he needs to eliminate for a few more weeks, but that’s a small enough number to concern himself with it.

(He makes _linguine al pesto_ and all by hand, from the pasta to the sauce, and he grates the parmesan in thin curls, exactly like they should be.)

‘I missed, you, _tesoro_ ,’ she tells him as soon as she lets him out of the strong embrace. ‘You are looking good. Still too skinny, but might do if you squint.’

‘Why thank you,’ Tony replies courteously, giving her a small bow and showing her the direction in which they are going. For the five minutes that they need to get to the kitchen – Tony knows she hates dining rooms, or dining halls what is a more accurate description of the room in the Mansion – he feels like a tour guide, the same way JARVIS must have felt when Pepper and Tony were looking for the right room after the renovation. Though Chiara is definitely much more interested in actually listening.

They eat dinner together, with Rhodey and Happy, like they did before; it’s just as loud and messy as it was before and Tony knows he’s managed to get some greasy green stains on his shirt, _inevitable_ , but no one really cares.

Chiara proposes they make _zuppa inglese_ for dessert, informing them that it’s one of her favorite desserts. Tony doesn’t think the others knows what they are agreeing to when they say yes and he doesn’t comment the dish that was obviously chosen for him (light and sweet and delicate, easy to eat and well, _heavenly_ ).

The evening ends just before midnight, after they share some sweet wine – or juice, in Tony’s case, but he really doesn’t mind, maybe he would have under different circumstances, but after the detox he’s in love with _juice_ – and Tony leads Chiara to a guest room he chose for her, the one that used to be his favorite; he wouldn’t make her stay in one of Howards rooms no matter what, even if no one would know and it really would have no significance to anyone but him.

It’s a little ritual that he’s been keeping to for years.

Both Tony and Pepper are too tired, pleasantly tired, not to fall asleep as soon as they slip under the blankets.

The next day it’s Saturday, but Pepper has a board meeting that’s been postponed twice already and really needs to take place, and Rhodey is called to the HQ again as the mission is getting more and more defined – they say it’s two weeks tops before the team sets out to Russia –  and Tony is left alone with Chiara. None of them minds, they spend most of the day talking, like, six hours or something, starting at breakfast and not stopping until well after lunch; Tony’s been feeling better and he has a lot to share and Chiara asks questions and cuts in all the time. Tony tells her about everything, because she is as close to a friend as she has – from outside of the world of his house – and he doesn’t think too much about the fact that they’ve just met a few months back and that she is at least twenty years older than him.

Apparently, speaking the same language and living with the same _problem_ daily, even if they are on the other sides of the coin, is a good enough base of friendship.

(Ten years ago, Tony would never even consider something like this. It’s a progress.)

‘Let’s go for a ride,’ Chiara proposes at some point, knowing that no one will be back for at least three more hours. Tony sighs and rubs his hands on his face tiredly.

‘I haven’t been really –’

‘Going out, I know,’ she ends the sentence for him. ‘This is no more going out than you did first in Malibu, though. Before you were out on the terrace and in the gardens, you went for car rides – we won’t take a cabriolet. Okay? You know, I really like your cars,’ she adds sweetly. ‘Please?’

‘Can I even say no to you?’

‘Well, you can try.’

‘…take Audi A8,’ he yields. ‘Drives beautifully, I am constantly reminded. Of course it does, since I’ve tweaked the engine and a few other things myself – I don’t even know if I should trust you to drive in this traffic. You’re a madman on the road.’

‘And you love it,’ Chiara counters brightly and practically drags Tony to the garage, following JARVIS’ directions. Tony can’t even be bothered to call the A.I. a traitor and threaten to dismantle him.

When they reach the car, the engine is started, key waiting in the ignition, placed there by one of the robots.

Chiara drives the very same way he remembers from California, with a complete disregard of speed limits and traffic laws; it’s not like Tony can’t pay all the possible tickets.

Tony _loves_ the speed. Of course he does, everyone knows he is an adrenalin junkie (even if he hasn’t been given chances to satiate the burning need for much too long). _I really, really need to take Mark II out flying_ , he suddenly realizes; he’s been banned, of course, by JARVIS and Rhodey, as it was just accelerating his condition, but now, now that he is almost clean of the fucking toxin, he can’t wait much more. A day or two, maybe, but _that. Is. It._

There isn’t much talking in the car for a change, just music, and since Tony didn’t switch the earpiece on – it’s there, he always has it on him in case – he can only imagine the views melting into a blurry line behind the windows. He focuses on momentum and the speed, trusting Chiara completely, and relaxes.

‘You like French?’ Tony asks when they are on their way back, after almost two hours of driving. ‘I know a place.’

‘No cooking today?’

‘Tomorrow?’ Tony questions in reply; the next day is Sunday and at least Pepper should be at home and they could spend some nice time. Chiara murmurs affirmatively. ‘J, show the way to the lady.’

They end up with too many bags from the French place; Chiara of course teases him a bit about how none of this is a proper food for dinner, but Tony knows her favorites by now and he is quite sure she’ll love it. She does.

(When Tony tells Pepper that they’ve gone driving with Chiara, she say _you were out? You really, really went out and it was okay? You are brilliant, brilliant, and so brave, Tony_ , and then she kisses him and drags him to bed. She is an angel.)

Sunday is a blur of food, talks, Pepper complaining that she, in fact, can’t understand Italian – it’s hard _not_ to use the language around Chiara, it’s become all natural and Tony keeps simply forgetting – and more food.

Tony thinks for a moment about telling Chiara about the ring and his plans, but decides against it. _Better not to jinx it_.

Before Chiara leaves for her late plane, Tony apologizes for not having kept his promises about coming up with an idea for a universal orientation support for blind people; he’s been giving it some thought, but it’s difficult to keep things simple and easy and cheap – but mostly simple – when you’re surrounded by the most amazing technology on the planet. Not to mention that it must be adapted to all people’s needs and those are very varied and very few of them can function like Tony does.

‘Well, _bambino_ , the world has been waiting for some revolution for decades at least. We can live for a few more months,’ she tells him, gives him a few kisses on cheeks, and a hug before leaving.

***

‘I want to go out flying,’ Tony tells Pepper the next morning. ‘ _Soon._ ’

She sighs (Tony can imagine her raising her eyebrows, blinking, biting her lip slightly, all the jazz) and puts down her fork.

‘Will that be okay for your health – with the palladium?’

‘The use of the suit would have accelerated sir’s condition when he had the palladium as arc reactor core, since the core would have been depleted sooner therefore releasing more toxin,’ JARVIS quips in, his voice flat as he explains the technicalities. Tony just _has to_ smile. ‘It was not advised with the heavy metal poisoning, either, as potential exposure to more heavy metals, but with the blood toxicity levels in acceptable range and dropping, there are no contraindications to flying in sir’s current state.’

‘You hear the man,’ Tony states, cocking his head.

‘You can’t just fly out from here, though –’

‘I know, I know, I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I’ve got more suits than as many as the public opinion is aware of. Or the government. Although it’s stupid of them to assume I wouldn’t produce more in case – but they don’t think at all. And S.H.I.E.L.D. knows.’

‘You shouldn’t involve them –’

‘I now, Pepper, I knooow,’ Tony sing songs, pushing away his empty plate. ‘I was thinking of driving to the closed SI factory on Long Island. It’s in a rather unpopulated place – close to the ocean. The armor is just silver. Wouldn’t be that easy to spot me, J can take care of that.’

(Well, it would be much easier to just take one of the newest Marks with the reflection panels, but only Mark II is made for Tony to fly in.)

‘… do you want me to go with you?’ Pepper asks after a shot pause. _That was easy_.

‘I’ll be okay with Happy, if I can steal him from you for the day. Someone just had to drive me. I know you’re busy.’

‘I’ll go another time,’ Pepper declares, giving Tony a quick kiss on forehead and leaving.

‘J, baby, sweetheart, love of my live,’ Tony starts, feeling suddenly ashamed that _this thought_ haven’t crossed his mind before. ‘Open a new file, index as P1. Calculate details for a new armor, use Mark VII specifications minus the special features we’ve installed – keep the minimal security, throw out all the heavier stuff – and make them fit Pepper. Get it produced and assembled. I’m going to have a surprise for her,’ he finishes, laughing merrily and feeling the impatience already building up in his body.

Tony goes out flying after his standing Tuesday appointment with Isaac. It takes almost an hour and a half to get to the facility that he’s just using as a landing pad, honestly, and the whole ride he’s restless and chatty and terribly impatient. Luckily Happy has had enough time of their cooperation to get used to his boss’ _occasional_ eccentricity.

Being up in the air is, _just like the first time and it’ll never grow old_ , amazing. Freeing. Impossible to describe with words.

Tony is quite sure he won’t last a week without flying again, now that he can.

***

Rhodey tells Tony that the team will be finally leaving for the op in a week. Tony has about a dozen of upgrades for War Machine that need to be installed before, from tuning up the hand repulsors for better energy compensation to adding some features on the HUD interface. With JARVIS’ and bots help it won’t take long.

Helicarrier is almost ready to fly again, everything’s been installed and only needs double-checking and a test flight.

Tony spends the few last days in workshop with Rhodey, adjusting War Machine for (at least) one hundred percent efficiency and comfort. Rhodey tells him more details about the mission, since Tony doesn’t feel like going to HQ again– the only person that could debrief him with Coulson being away is Fury and Director is kinda busy himself.

On Sunday, when Rhodey is gone for the last meeting before departure – after Helicarrier’s test flight that turned out to be successful enough for Fury to call him and, hmm, not exactly thank, but _express gratitude_ as much as the director is probably able to – Pepper asks him to come with her to the living room and _talk_. Tony doesn’t like the way it sounds at all, she never asks and they don’t normally announce the need to talk, they just _do talk._

But it starts with a few long, beautiful kisses, so Tony is willing to listen without whining.

‘I was thinking, you know,’ Pepper starts when she finally breaks away from his lips, ‘about you, Tony. I mean – about these last few weeks.’

‘What about them?’ Tony asks reluctantly, feeling his heart skip a bit, _have I done something wrong again? And I don’t know? Is she –_

‘Just don’t get silly ideas that I want to break up or something, _please_ , Tony, I can follow your thoughts well enough by now. It’s not really about you as a person, it’s about what you’ve been doing. I’m sure you have noticed… you took those few steps ahead. And I’m proud of you, so proud.’

Tony cocks his head in confusion, playing with Pepper’s hair and waiting for an explanation.

‘Going out with Chiara, going to see Helicarrier with Agent Barton, flying again – not to mention all the work you’ve been doing, and it’s all going well. And therapy.’

‘Ah. I think I know what you’re getting at,’ Tony admits, shrugging slightly. _I know for, like, one hundred ten percent._ Pepper knows that he knows.

‘So what should we do?’

‘You mean, what should I do –’ Tony corrects, but Pepper just sighs and doesn’t let him say anything more.

‘We. I think you had this talk a few times before. _We._ Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘I – I don’t want to rush you, Tony,’ Pepper tells him, putting her head on his shoulder; the skin is so warm. Her voice sounds a bit different from the new angle. ‘I just wanted to know if you can tell me – if you could give me an estimation. Rough estimation, if you can even say something like that. A month? A year? What do you _feel_ like?’

‘I feel like there is never going to be a good moment,’ Tony murmurs and Pepper stiffens a bit in his arms. ‘No, no, Pepper, I’m only being half-serious here. You know. I _really_ don’t think that I will ever be as ready as I need to be, but –’

‘I know, I know, _you have to run before you can walk_ , you’ve kept saying that since the very day I met you, silly,’ she finished for him. Tony laughs softly.

‘Yes. Exactly.’

‘You shouldn’t push yourself in this situation, Tony,’ she protests. ‘You don’t have to jump in the middle of the mess.’

‘… I know I don’t have to. But in medias res always worked for me – Pepper, it’s still _me_ , Tony Stark – at this point, it won’t matter _how_ I do things. Especially in this situation. Whether I go with you to a kiosk on the other side of the street or get elected the president, the reaction from media and the general public will be the same.’

‘I guess you are right,’ Pepper sighs. ‘It will be a crazy uproar. But we will deal with it – _I_ will deal with it.’

‘I am dangerously close to pitying those journalists,’ Tony laughs. ‘I’m just enjoying my calm life with my most amazing girlfriend ever,’ he adds more quietly.

‘Don’t try to change the subject, Mister Stark, the diversion tactic won’t work on me,’ Pepper teases, poking his side.

‘You mean girl,’ Tony murmurs, hugging her with the arm he has around her waist. ‘Isaac tells me I’m making progress already, I don’t know how he knows that but I need to trust him on that one – Chiara told me the same. _You_ tell me that, too, and it’s the voice that I care about most. Everything has been going as well as it’s possible – I really don’t have any rational reasons to avoid this anymore, to keep hiding, do I?’

‘I don’t care about rational,’ Pepper declares seriously. ‘I care about what you _feel_ like.’

They sit in silence for a few moments. (Tony’s brain is working quickly, quietly, weighing pros and cons, considering options, balancing arguments.)

‘Two months,’ Tony proclaims in the end. ‘Stark Industries Independence Day Gala.’

‘Oh – but it is the biggest event of the year!...’ Pepper exclaims, stirring on Tony’s side, with a hint if hesitation. But this time Tony _is sure_.

‘I know. And I am Tony Stark. See fits,’ he counters with a wide smile. ‘And I love you,’ he adds. ‘Now come and kiss me.’

Pepper eagerly obeys.

***

Helicarrier leaves the dock on early Monday morning; the team is getting on a jet as soon as the ship reaches a set point on the ocean. Rhodey is ready to get into a S.H.I.E.L.D. car at six hundred hours; he’s left War Machine on the ship the previous evening. Tony and Pepper get up to say goodbye and then the colonel is gone, they eat breakfast, then Peppers starts getting ready to work and Tony goes down to the ‘shop.

‘Sir, it has been two hours since the ship made sail,’ JARVIS informs Tony at some point between songs, just like he was supposed to.

‘Ah. Okay,’ Tony nods at the A.I., not stopping twisting the Rubik’s Cube in his hands (he’s learned that somehow, even if he can’t solve it yet, the process is just calming while he and JARVIS discuss new designs, run numbers or do any other work). ‘J, deploy Mark VI and Mark VII – ETA to Samara?’

‘Roughly ten hours, sir. Depends on the winds.’

‘Tell me when you’re on the ground, baby,’ Tony murmurs and they go back to the SI project.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted two stories since the last update here in case you are interested: [Alphabet ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/715390/chapters/1324419) and [Sien, Ilien](http://archiveofourown.org/works/718223) :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think!


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. It's been an amazing journey to me, and I hope that to you as well. I hope you will not be disappointed.

Just like he predicted, Tony doesn’t last more than a week before he goes flying again. _Should be some kind of an established routine_ , he thinks when he finds himself in a car going towards Long Island, _I could do that. Meeting with Isaac and then flying, it’d be like double therapy._

On the way back Tony asks Happy to swing by his favorite Greek restaurant and they end up stopping in one of the smaller streets and eating _kalamarakia_ straight from the greasy paper bag, the food hot and still burning their fingers.

When they are back, Tony goes down to the workshop; JARVIS informs him that there was a call from Rhodey while he was in the car – he asked not to be disturbed, unless it was emergency – and that the colonel didn’t day much more than Tony already knew from War Machine and Marks’ readings: after having landed safe and taking a day to acclimatize and get acquainted with the base and safe houses, they are now starting the reconnaissance and infiltration that is predicted to last at least a week before the more detailed plans of action are ready.

‘Agent Coulson and Agent Romanov said hello, too, and thanked you for the coffee supply that you had Colonel Rhodey take for them.’

‘They better,’ Tony laughs. The whole S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be just a bunch of coffee maniacs at this point. Tony knows that he used to be the same way, _before,_ and that he could go back to drinking coffee in moderate amounts, but honestly, he doesn’t need it, not right now. He’s still getting the greatest amount of sleep of his life, full eight hours every night, unless he wakes up from a nightmare –but that happens rarely. His body, he can tell, is happy with the arrangement and he is really full of energy these days.

(Not that it doesn’t mean that some mornings, he’d rather just stay in bed without having to move at all. But it seems like this from-time-to-time is never going to stop.)

So Tony leaves Rhodey a message, since the man is not picking up; it involves a lot of meaningless sentences, too many embarrassing pet names and a few serious questions somewhere in between; exactly what Rhodey must be expecting.

‘Sir,’ JARVIS speaks up as soon as Tony finishes talking and moves to the sofa; he’s supposed to be working on a code for one thing he’s making for SI – so that’s purely speaking and listening to the A.I. replies (might as well be done when he’s lying comfortably, knowing that JARVIS will increase the oxygen percentage in the workshop’s air, so the stay will be just pleasant). ‘I’ve just got a notification from Malibu – the manufacturing of P1 units is complete. I will be sending them to New York now. They should arrive in the morning the day after tomorrow.’

‘You’re invaluable, J,’ Tony replies, smiling in space, knowing that JARVIS will see it. ‘Then we assemble it and hide from the curious eyes…’

Suddenly, Tony realizes that it’s less than a month until his birthday (his thoughts wandering to the ring in its box, waiting in safety) and decides that he needs to start making plans for the _big day_ soon.

***

Rhodey calls again the next day and reports that everything is going according to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s plan, no problems yet, agents gathering all the intel they can, everyone scattered around all the city’s vantage points.

It’s a full week before something starts to happen.

In the meantime Tony meets with Isaac and goes flying again, goes over the architect’s plans with JARVIS compulsively, trying to get rid of all potential weak spots of the construction’s details, especially regarding energy distribution – the arc reactor is going to take a lot of space in the basement and it needs certain kind of unparalleled installation that the A.I. has given specifications for before Lautner even started the project.

Plus, as Pepper has kindly reminds him, they need to _Tony-proof_ the tower, especially the penthouse that he’s chosen for living quarters, and Tony’s future workshop. The architects took Tony’s needs into consideration, but he and JARVIS has a few more little ideas that came from everyday life and decided to add them to the plans.

Tony thinks a lot about how exactly he should – propose; he keeps telling himself _hell, that words sounds so strange even in my own head, how am I supposed to do it for real?_ He figures Pepper wouldn’t want any rich and splendid surroundings, she surely would just prefer a quiet evening with just Tony, homemade food, and a surprise. That sounds like a plan and Tony calls Chiara a few times to fish out some good recipes, but he can’t decide what exactly he wants to make, so he just leaves that for more last-minute moment.

The ring is waiting patiently in the locker.

***

Then on Wednesday, almost ten days after Rhodey has left with the team, when Tony is dabbling with some engine (he could have made easily when he was six and now all he can do is make little changes with JARVIS’ guidance and bots’ help, but he doesn’t let himself discouraged) and listening to his usual loud music, there is a phone call and JARVIS turns down the volume of the song immediately.

‘We are engaging tomorrow in the evening,’ Rhodey says; it’s afternoon in the USA now but given the time difference it must be almost daybreak in Russia. ‘I thought you’d like to hear that from me. And yes, I did all the check-up on the armor, just in case, like you told me to, everything is fine, JARVIS says we can go for one hundred thirty percent in case it’s necessary and the suit will be fine.’

‘Of course it will be,’ Tony scoffs. ‘That’s what I did your upgrades for. Do you have any details about what exactly is the thing that Vanko’s been making?’

‘We are positive he’s got an arc reactor, fully functional, I don’t know if it’s exactly the same as your palladium one, but it’s working. Also, he’s been focusing on – some kind of energy weapons, though we aren’t so clear on that, planting someone close enough to actually find that out would be compromising the whole op. The plan is to lull Vanko out of his liar with the gear and bring him down before he can do some damage to civilians.’

‘Do you know where he gets all the money from?’

‘International connections, obviously, we’ve got a lead but it’ll take some time to find the source. They agents are on the right way, though.’

‘Not much of a consolation,’ Tony murmurs pensively. That means that eliminating the man is only eliminating a piece of the chair, and even if it’s a very important piece, whoever might be behind the whole story will probably be looking for yet another way to – _to what, then? Ivan, personal, me, America,_ Tony muses _, but whoever is behind, what might they want? If I’m out of the picture, what does that mean to them?_ Weapons would be a logical answer, only that SI doesn’t make weapons anymore. It doesn’t all seem to be about theproverbial sword –

– _but,_ he suddenly realized, _it could make the shields._

F u c k.

‘Tony, you there?’ Rhodey’s voice asks, insistently, and Tony grunts something in response. ‘JARVIS will keep you updated from now on, okay? I need to go,’ he adds and hangs up.

Tony nods even though, obviously, Rhodey wouldn’t know anyway. His thoughts are running, considering, predictiing, looking for possibilities, like in a chess game, trying to think a good few steps ahead.

It seems that eliminating Vanko is an inevitable step; he’s just too instable and unpredictable to be just monitored, even if that could make finding the people high up easier.

_Fuck, and I thought my life wouldn’t be a mess anymore, especially now, and everything just gets more and more complicated._

For obvious reasons, the rest of the day intense for Tony. He’s in the house with Happy, so they do a lot of workout; Tony runs and runs and runs on the treadmill until he is almost too exhausted to worry, knowing that his brain working too eagerly means bad sleep; being physically tired helps it a lot. He literally itches to go flying, but he’s just been out the pervious afternoon and it doesn’t seem like a very good idea to go again, it takes a lot of time and flying too often just makes it much more probable that someone will spot him, even in an area as isolated as the one he chose.

Pepper comes home late, after a tiring day, one more board meeting that was nothing but arguing since the men haven’t understood yet that no, Pepper is not going to listen to them in certain regards and yes, she wouldn’t mind if they just sold their share and left the company altogether if they insist on being a pain.

They eat a light dinner and go straight to bed; Tony even manages to sleep for a few hours, even if he wakes up every now and then, but it’s not nightmares, just – the impatience. The uncertainty.

So he spends a big part of the night wondering how the op preparations must be like in the Russian base, imagining the tension and commotion and long-practiced calmness before storm that can be acquainted only after a certain time of practicing. That’s probably not a good thing to do, but he can’t stop himself.

There wasn’t a sharp hour set for the op to start, Tony knows, the team will just roll with how the events go, it’s just _in the evening_ that could by anytime between nine a.m. and one p.m. in New York, depending on who you ask, given the time difference of nine hours.

Pepper gets up at seven, thanks to one of her early meeting having been moved to another day; they eat breakfast together and Tony says goodbye and disappears in the gym. Happy is with Pepper, so Tony is staying alone in the house. That’s probably for the best, as he doesn’t think he will be able to focus on much but JARVIS words who is supposed to inform Tony of everything that happens.

***

The A.I. speaks up _finally_ at exactly ten thirty one EST.

‘The team has moved out, sir they receives the signal they were waiting for, sir,’ JARVIS informs Tony in his usual flat voice and Tony grins at how perfectly composed the A.I. is. Well, obviously.

‘Marks in place?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Give me highlights, okay?’ Tony asks. ‘And where is Rhodey?’

‘Of course, sir – Colonel Rhodes in War Machine is waiting for his signal in the base’s hangar.’

‘Tell him good luck from me, won’t disturb him more than necessary,’ Tony murmurs and sits by the workbench, his hands quickly finding the engine he’s been playing with; he immediately finds the spot where he stopped working yesterday and without much thinking lets his fingers work.

JARVIS speaks up now and then, telling Tony the news that War Machine receives and that the team talks about through their comm line (obviously JARVIS is somewhere under the surface of the communication devices, _please_ ). Everything seems to go okay, the few agents capture three other wanted people quietly, from three different places in Samara, quickly and efficiently moving them to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s makeshift base. It is, according to intel, going to be noticed by Vanko, who – as two of his contractors said, the ones that were captured and _persuaded_ to cooperate a few weeks earlier, the ones that only confirmed what the agency’s own spies found out – will put on his gear and move to a certain place. It was Natasha’s job, Tony’s learned a few days earlier, to make sure he’s be aware that it’s Americans around him and make him disquieted enough to engage.

‘A car moving out from in front of Vanko’s house,’ JARVIS announces and Tony feels a rush of adrenaline, almost as if he were there, across the sea, and not in his familiar workshop. ‘War Machine moving out.’

‘ETA?’

‘Three minutes for the suit, twenty for the car,’ the A.I. replies promptly and his predictions are very precise and turn out to be true.

Everything happens as planned: War Machine is staying out, hidden from sight, as the team tries to reason with Vanko and contain him. The man doesn’t seem very scared, he talks back and raises eyebrows and looks relaxed, according to JARVIS via War Machine’s readings, and he’s for sure wearing the _gear_ on himself, but he has clothes over it and the agents still don’t know what exactly it is.

Then, all at once, things go very, very bad in a very, very short time; Tony can’t hear the noises and explosions and the shouts, but suddenly JARVIS tells him, in a quiet and reserved voice, throwing out the words almost too quickly to understand out, that Vanko just laughs at S.H.I.E.L.D.’s proposition to just turn himself in, laughs until they are all confused, and then throws off is jacket and cuts one of S.H.I.E.L.D. jeeps in half as if it was nothing.

Tony freezes, his brain stopping for a moment before his thought start rushing, JARVIS tells him how the – weapon looks, like a whip, and that’s more or less how it’s used, it seems to stream some sort of energy from the arc reactor that the A.I. can’t analyze on spot because it’s unknown tech and he needs a few minutes; then Vanko attacks the scrambling agents and Tony feels like throwing up at the thought that they might be dead already or in a moment, and it’s all because of arc reactor and because he’s made it and made the armor and triggered the madman’s need of revenge –

‘Sir, you need to breathe, please,’ JARVIS orders him firmly, breaking the stream of words of description and ignoring Tony’s gesture saying _go on_. ‘Breathe, sir. The agents are okay, some are wounded but they will live, War Machine is engaging.’

Tony holds his breath for long enough to make himself dizzy, listening to JARVIS’ voice that would be soothing in every other situation bus this –

‘…the energy flow seems to cause disturbances to the armor, sir, and the repulsor blast and laser get caught by the whip…’ JARVIS’ words are calm and leveled, but Tony tenses even more in his chair and almost forgets how to breathe again his mind locking on one word only, _Rhodey Rhodey Rhodey_ , fuck –

‘Mark VI and Mark VII?’

‘ETA one minute, sir’ JARVIS replies, of course he’d move the suits as soon as he knew something was wrong, but it was three minutes of flight away _not_ to be noticed too soon and fuck, Tony knows he is going to regret that decision –

The suits have the reflection panels and the best anti-radar so apparently, JARVIS tells Tony, no one – maybe the technicians controlling the area, but no one in the middle of the fight – notices them until they are a few seconds away and when they engage, Vanko focuses on them, giving a moment for Rhodey to check on the state of the armor and make the rest of the agents get the hell out of the place. Tony knows it’s probably a bit overboard, throwing in two suits at once when War Machine can still fight, not very well but _still_ , but he figures that he isn’t going to endanger more people than _necessary_ ; he knows he’s going to regret it because if not the general opinion, than S.H.I.E.L.D. and maybe the army if he’s unfortunate, they will be demanding answers: _why_ did he have two armed suits in the area, _why_ did he interrupt, _who the fuck_ was piloting Marks…

Tony doesn’t think he will bother with the first two questions, but the third one –

– it’s going to be hell.

But it’s human life at stake and he doesn’t think he fucking cares at the moment.

JARVIS tell him everything as Vankos’s whips curl around one of the Marks but it has an energy shield that repels the lash and catches Vanko’s attention for long enough for the other suit to have a couple of shots at Vanko, destroying part of the installation and incapacitating one of his arms; the other Mark wriggles out of the grasp and fires a few tranq shots aimed at Vanko’s neck (Tony hold his breath) –

– and the man falls, the installation on his arms giving out some uncoordinated energy blasts, but Mark VII quickly and disconnects the arc reactor Vanko has installed in a vest-like thing on his chest.

‘Everyone is alive, sir,’ JARVIS informs Tony quickly. ‘There were a few agents hurt, seven according to the talks over comm system, four of them immediately being transported to a hospital, three other is good enough state not to be rushed –’

‘Thanks, J,’ Tony murmurs almost soundlessly, the tension leave his body and leaving him feeling suddenly all achy and sore. ‘ _Rhodey_?’

‘War Machine has sustained damage, but it’s not irreparable, sir. Colonel Rhodes is okay – he wants to talk to you.’

‘Sure –’

‘I,’ Rhodey’s loud angry voice interrupts Tony before he can finish the sentence, ‘am going to have a few word with you, Stark. I really will, what the fuck where you thinking? You know what problems –’

‘I am very well aware of that,’ Tony replies coldly, because he’s just too exhausted, more mentally than physically, to play nice.

‘… thanks for the save, though,’ Rhodey adds, making Tony snicker irritably, and the line goes silent, JARVIS speaking up again. 

‘Agent Coulson wants to talk to you, sir, shall I connect his cell phone?’

‘You do that, babe,’ Tony replies, removing himself from the chair and sitting on the sofa, arms wrapped around knees, hugging them to his chest, letting the tightness go.

‘I want all readings from War Machine and the other suits, about Vanko and his questionable _inventions,_ that you have, and I’m not going to take no for an answer,’ the agent says and it’s not really what Tony has expected to hear. No scolding, no shouting, no question, _wow_ – although they probably just figures that then can do all of that later.

‘Sure, Agent,’ Tony replies nonchalantly, pretending not to still be as worried as he is.

‘We’re going to stay here for at least one more week, wrapping up the loose ends, and Rhodes is not going back earlier. Deal with that – oh, and Stark?’

‘Yes?’

‘You know this already, but Vanko has his gear more high-end than we’ve been expecting, and we’ve been expecting _high_. Those behind are going to be even more of a question now.’

‘And Vanko is not going to say anything.’

‘And Vanko is definitely not going to say anything,’ Coulson repeats. ‘Juts food for thought. I trust you took precautions?’

‘I’ve got more than three suits, Agent,’ Tony admits reluctantly. ‘We’re okay here.’

‘Sure. I’ll call you,’ the agent replies before disconnecting, and Tony is once again surrounded by almost-silence.

‘Sir, are you okay?’ JARVIS asks him after a few moments, since Tony is just sitting there, without movement, taking shallow breaths as for his chest hurts when he tries deeper ones, with his face buried in knees.

Tony lifts his head up and gives the A.I. a tired but wide smile.

‘Sure, J, I’m just – I need a moment to calm down. Are _you_ okay?’

JARVIS goes silent for few moments that feel like eons, in Tony’s mind, but when he speaks it’s without any trace of pain or regret.

‘I am. I – I obeyed those rules you gave me. It makes everything okay. And – I am glad you are my creator, sir. I don’t think anyone else would even consider the _A.I._ in such situation.’

‘You give yourself too little credit, babe,’ Tony counters, but he knows that JARVIS is right. ‘But never fear, I’m rather possessive of you.’

‘And I, too,’ comes the reply, and Tony just has to grin.

***

When Tony, with JARVIS’ help, recounts Pepper what has happened – since it’s been named an explosion by secret services, the public is not supposed to know anything about Vanko and the other suits and the _whys_ and _hows_. Well, no one outside of S.H.I.E.L.D. even is supposed to know about the two Marks that were at the scene; Coulson told Tony they won’t protest if he flies the suits back to the USA – they are in a good state, mostly surface damage that isn’t too much of a problem; he says that is his official voice and pretty words, but all Tony hears is _take the suits the hell out of here before someone from the outside as much as notices them._

(So, by the time Pepper is back from work, the Marks are already somewhere over southern Italy.)

‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, or anyone,’ Pepper tells him, still shocked by the story that Tony so casually shared. ‘Rhodey, S.H.I.E.L.D…’

‘Especially not them,’ Tony explains patiently. ‘They wouldn’t let me. And you can imagine what would have happened if – the suits weren’t there.’

Pepper breathes out, trying to calm herself.

‘Don’t be mad, Pepper. I – I just did what I thought was a good idea. Let’s not think about anything more now, okay? Rhodey is safe and all the agents that have been hurt will recover, it might take them some time, but they will be all right. Vanko is in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s hands. Success.’

‘I guess,’ she agrees unsurely. ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she adds and moves across the table quickly to wrap her hands around Tony’s back. ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she repeats. ‘My genius moron,’ she adds playfully and Tony doesn’t correct her since well,he figures she is kind of right.

***

The next morning Pepper must leave for two days in Canada, so Tony decides to take advantage of the situation and finally get to assemble P1 suit with JARVIS’ and bots’ help; it probably would be quicker if he had someone help him, but since Rhodey is away and Happy needs to be there with Pepper, Tony figures he’ll manage himself. And he can always engage Mark III to help him, maybe the metal fingers won’t be too good when it comes to little details, but Tony can do _that_ himself.

Rhodey checks in, repeats that everything is okay and informs him that there will be a debrief with Coulson and Fury that he’ll be asked to attend; just the four of them. Or five, if Natasha decides to _swing by_.

Tony finds himself in front of the P1 suit pieces, glasses on and the earpiece in place, so that it's easier for JARVIS to navigate from Tony’s point of view. He starts by examining part by part, piece by piece, remembering all the details and mentally cataloguing them in his head, thanking god for his almost-perfect memory. 

He could, of course, have JARVIS and bots do in _entirely_ for him, if he dabbled for a bit with Mark’s finger construction and precision, and it probably would be easier, but – that would be cheating. Like buying a ring.

Tony is really, really determined to do these two things with his own hands, to prove to himself and to Pepper and to the world that he _can_ , if he wants. If he has the motivation.

When he is halfway through assembling the second leg – it’s easier that way, JARVIS told Tony the most efficient option – there is a phone call and a familiar voice pours through the earpiece.

‘Missed me?’ Clint asks in his usual cocky tone. Tony makes a face to himself, not stopping to install the hip joint pieces, the construction is easy enough for him not to need JARVIS’ description; it’s putting things into places, like 3D puzzles but easier because he knows what fits where.

‘No, I can’t say I did, but worse things have happened to me this week,’ Tony replies perfectly seriously.

‘Can I come over?’

‘You didn’t even say hello over the phone, you philistine,’ Tony comments not entirely clearly as he’s keeping a wire in between his teeth for a moment – Dummy, who is supposed to do the job, suddenly disappeared somewhere, that damn future wine rack.

‘I figured you wouldn’t like to stay alone in that gigantic scary haunted house,’ Clint states, ignoring Tony’s remark. ‘I know that Pepper’s gone, and you’ve had a rough couple of days, man, I was shitting my pants here about that op, it was such a mess to begin with…’

Then Tony just _gets it_. Barton – he’s just trying to be nice to him and offer his _support_ since he knows enough about Tony to figure what could be a trigger for him – and, which is an much more confusing realization, Clint’s been even more worried than he himself because _Phil_ was there, his boyfriend or whatever they wanted to call themselves, _and_ Natasha – even if she wasn’t directly involved in the fight, just the recon.

(But there is P1.)

‘You know what,’ Tony makes the decision on a whim, ‘you come here, you bunk over, boy, you know there are too many rooms in this place. We’ll do some stuff. I can’t promise to be much fun, but the hell with it. And I drink only alcohol-free beer.’

‘Sure, okay –’

‘But,’ Tony cuts in forcefully, _come on, this is kinda very important_ , ‘I’m doing some work here that _no one_ is supposed to know about for a few more weeks and I’m going to trust you with the magical Stark secret, so if you tell anything to anyone, you can say hello to my newest laser beam armor gun.’

‘… I get it, man, no problem,’ Clint agrees, sounding a tiniest bit subdued but helluva curious. ‘Be there is half an hour?’

‘Fine with me,’ Tony agrees and goes back to P1; by the time Clint arrives, he’s managed to figure out the whole lower back of the suit.

Clint comes with a dozes bottles best non-alcoholic Czech beer, about ten boxes of pizza, informs Tony that he bought smalls because he couldn’t decide on the toppings he liked most, and makes a small camping in the corner of the workshop. Tony just sighs with dramatic resignation and explains, between pizza bites, what exactly he is making ( _it’s a suit for Pepper, you know, I thought she could use some relax, she’s so tightly wound_ , nothing about the proposal, he’s not that stupid).

‘It’s so romantic, Stark,’ Clint says, but strangely there is no mocking tone to his voice. ‘I didn’t know you had that in you.’

Tony just laughs.

‘No, really, you won’t believe me when I say it but – Phil is a fucking romantic too, in the best old-school way. Candles and flowers. Especially flowers. I thought I’d have a heart attack because of how incredibly cute it was, the first time.’

Tony considers.

‘Well, he does love plants,’ he comments in the end, gaining a smack on the arm. ‘Hey, don’t you do that, I’m holding a precious stuff in my hand and I can’t fucking find it when I lose it, man, have some respect,’ Tony adds quickly, and then cocks his head, realizing what he’s just said. Barton is silent for a few moments and then burst out laughing and Tony joins in.

‘You are hilarious,’ Clint says when he can finally catch his breath; by that time Tony is swearing to himself never to laugh like that again because his chest hurts from that mixed with too much hunching over the P1 parts on the floor. He doesn’t dignify the marksman with an answer, just sticks out his tongue and goes back to work and when Clint asks him if he can help, Tony warns him that if he tries to do anything _without_ Tony’s clear permission, he’s going to have _killed by ~~a very vicious~~ accident_ on his tombstone.

When Pepper is back, the armor is all done with minimal, repeat _minimal_ help from Clint, and waiting for the right moment with arc reactor in its chest plate.

She comes bearing food, so the evening is spend on eating and talking and then _lovemaking_ (blame Clint and his romanticism), since they are both finally rested enough not to fall asleep the second they lay down.

***

It’s a whole long week before the team – with Rhodey and everyone else from S.H.I.E.L.D. who was called to Russia at some point – is back in the US.

In the meantime, Tony meets with Isaac and with Grayson – it’s hard to believe that it’s been almost two months since the man’s last visit, and so, so much has happened; when Tony finishes telling the man everything that he can (and wants) his throat hurts and come one, it hasn’t for some time. Grayson tells him that if he continues feeling really good, they might think of lowering the med dosage; Tony really wants to ask about going off the pills completely, but it’s still a very silly idea. He can tell himself that he just isn’t ready for that, even though it’s been nice fooling himself a bit in front of Pepper.

_A nice game._

They also hear from Lautner who looked at all the changes that Tony and JARVIS’ pointed out they need and incorporated the suggestions in the project. Everything seems perfect now, Pepper agrees with Tony, so they give start to look for an interior decorator. There are some parts of the tower that Tony wants to be made exclusively according to his own ideas, the workshop and R&D that will be a few floors lower, as they need a special kind of approach. JARVIS is willing to help; Tony wouldn’t say the A.I. is excited, come one, he doesn’t do something as _prosaic_ , but JARVIS is definitely enjoying himself.

The parcel is still being cleaned-up after the demolition of preexisting building, but it’s just finishing the work. In a few weeks the construction should begin and the _chief of the team of rascals_ – that’s Rhodey’s expression – says that if Stark Industries really wants it, the tower can be ready in eight months. Normally it would take a year at least, Tony knows, but he chooses the best for a reason. They agree on the plans.

When Rhodey _finally_ gets home, he eats with Pepper and Tony, doesn’t talk much about the mission, and goes straight to bed to sleep for twelve hours.

Sunday, in the best S.H.I.E.L.D. manner, is not a day off work but a day of especially intense work and Tony is suddenly hosting Fury, Phil, Natasha and Clint in addition to the four inhabitants of the mansion.

And they all talk.

Tony feels a headache starting to build up after like ten minutes into the lunch that Pepper ordered from her favorite Spanish place. _At least the food compensates for this sudden mess I’m in_ , Tony comments to himself and kind of wishes to run away, but he can’t, he won’t, because that would be being a baby and whining and _fuck I was supposed to act, right? That’s what I asked for myself._

‘Tony?’ Pepper calls his name at some point, probably realizing that he hasn’t said anything in almost half an hour. He shakes his head in _no, please don’t ask me, it’s okay_ movement, but no one has been eager to believe him when he says that.

They calm down, slowly, toning the excitement and lowering their voices and Tony feels _unfitting._ Sure, he knows he shouldn’t, he knows that it would be a common courtesy to take his _needs_ into consideration, but it’s not like he had expected that.

At least they don’t apologize, because Tony is quite sure he’d just be too embarrassed.

 _How the fuck am I going to go to the gala if I can’t stand_ eight _people at once_?

‘First, out techs looked at Vanko’s arc reactor and confirmed it was just like he palladium one you used to have. Second, we need to debrief you about those precious suits of yours, Stark,’ Fury says in the end. Tony nods and finds Pepper’s hand; she leads them all to the living room and says that if someone wants coffee, JARVIS has started the machine.

‘You know, Stark,’ Fury starts in a neutral voice (Tony wasn’t aware he even could do neutral voice, wow) as everyone is seated; only Happy has left after the dinner and went somewhere into the town, using his finally-free time wisely. ‘I’ve got just one question about this whole story. I don’t care if you sent your suits to Russia and violated about a million international laws, that you intervened in _our_ op without a permission and all that. The only question I’ve got for you is – just _how exactly advanced_ is your fucking A.I.?’

 _Ah_ , Tony smiles mentally, _I can guess why that’s bugging you, Big Man_.

‘Uhm,’ Tony murmurs and clear his throat dramatically. ‘I don’t know, J, how advanced are you?’ he asks in space. Clint snickers somewhere on Tony’s left.

‘I would say I am pretty advanced, sir,’ JARVIS says politely. ‘Probably the most advanced artificial intelligence on the planet.’

‘Only _probably_ , babe, you wound me,’ Tony replies and sighs, letting a smirk crawl onto his face. ‘JARVIS is the most advances A.I. around, you heard that, Pirate Boy.’

‘What does that mean, exactly?’ Natasha asks, of course it’s Natasha to go straight to the bottom and stop Tony from avoiding the question forever, well, he still could, his ability to do verbal sparring is perfectly intact, but – he’s going to have to say it anyway.

And it’s not like anyone could do anything to JARVIS.

‘J, the lady asks.’

‘It appears that I am fully sentient,’ the A.I. replies after a shortest moment of hesitation that Tony is sure only he noticed, a fraction of a second too long to be just a normal response. But JARVIS can decide for himself and he knows that, he wouldn’t have to say that if he didn’t _want_ _to_. Tony wouldn’t make him. Tony wouldn’t betray him.

The room is eerily silent.

Pepper doesn’t say anything and neither does Rhodey, since they have known about JARVIS for a long time and kept the secret.

‘As in able to perceive and feel things; aware; cognizant,’ the A.I. adds softly.

‘No fucking way,’ Clint states. ‘No offense, buddy, but _feeling_? Seriously, _feeling_?’

‘I am capable of feelings just as I am capable of making decisions independently, Agent Barton. Sir asks me to do things and I obey; sometimes I am a step ahead. In Samara, I deployed the suits as soon as War Machine registered unusual readings. Sir was aware of my actions a few moments later.’

‘You’re telling me,’ Fury basically growls, ‘that we’re sitting in a house where a crazy A.I. could kill us any moment, and you send us suits that could do the same, Stark? Wow, I didn’t think you were that disillusioned –’

‘I think you are forgetting yourself, Director,’ Pepper cuts in, her voice perfectly sweet.

‘Am I, Miss Potts? Are you aware of what that could –’

‘– mean, yes, of course I am. I live under one roof with the greatest futurist of this century, Director, and I’ve known his for over a decade. But you are forgetting one most important thing: I wouldn’t be angry at you for accusing Tony that he might be stupid enough to do something that would endanger _himself_ , we all know he’s done that a lot of times; but he lets Mark IV guard _me_. He gave the War Machine to _Rhodey_. Even if he doesn’t care about himself, he would never, never ever _endanger_ _us_. He’s very possessive of what he claims is his,’ Pepper adds, gaining a short laughter from Clint _again._

‘I agree with Miss Potts,’ Coulson states. ‘I trust her and I trust Tony.’

Natasha and Clint murmur something in agreement; Pepper and Rhodey don’t have to as they will always be on Tony’s side, whenever a side must be picked.

‘… we will see,’ Fury states in the end, sounding angry and pleased at the same time; Tony can’t help but wonder how the man manages that. ‘No one can know about more suits, well, the unmanned ones. I know you have one you fly in, that’s okay as long as you are willing to admit that you pilot it, with some _help_ of a program, or something like that.’

‘Believe me, I care even more than you about JARVIS not being compromised,’ Tony comments, because honestly, any different thought is pretty absurd. J is his fucking baby and will always be, and Tony would be willing to do _almost_ everything to protect the A.I.

‘That’s good that you’ve settled the matter, but I believe the coffee is done in the kitchen,’ JARVIS speaks up, ignoring completely what they’ve been just talking about.

‘You should have done that straight away, buddy,’ Tony tells JARVIS as everyone but him goes to the kitchen to get themselves some of the bronze gold. When the crowd is back, they seat down again – and Tony really hoped for a moment that it was the end of the talking, he isn’t tired but rather annoyed.

‘I lied when I said there as one thing,’ Fury says after a few moments filled with gulping sounds and clatter of porcelain. ( _Of course you did,_ Tony murmurs to himself.) ‘There is this project I need to talk with you and Rhodey about.’

‘ _Just_ me and Rhodey?’

‘Romanov and Barton might take part, and where they go, Coulson goes, or rather is dragged,’ Fury explains, and it’s Tony’s turn to snicker.

‘Secret enough that Pepper needs to go out and wait two hours before I tell her everything anyway?’

‘No, I actually would prefer if Miss Potts stayed – but to the point, I don’t have time for games – we’re preparing an Initiative around S.H.I.E.L.D. It’s not clear yet, but we’ve been having intel about more and more strange things going on around, I think that’s what you know about the agency, we deal with everything, from mafias to aliens, and there’s a surprising activity from the bad side, Stark – remember HYDRA? Howard must have told you,’ Tony nods affirmatively. ‘That kind of crazy shit. We are thinking about creating a response team, in case the fucking world needs it. Rhodes knows about that from yesterday, but he said he won’t give us an answer before you do.’

 _You won’t_? Tony asks his friend silently, feeing himself smile, really, he didn’t know he can expect such loyalty.

‘We’d like James as an active member of the Initiative – and you as a consultant. Since you’ve been doing all that tech for us anyway, we can as well make it official, Tony,’ Coulson quips in, Tony can hear the man’s smirk in his voice.

‘We’re in,’ Tony decides. Well, it’s not much of a decision, really. ‘Does JARVIS get to be a certified superhero now?’

‘I can have someone send you a PDF with a print-out diploma if you want, Stark,’ Fury replies flatly; this time everyone laughs. ‘I’m going back to HQ, do you mind if I drop these three kids for a few days of leave they’ve earned? I’m _sick_ of them,’ the director adds and leaves the room with his coat sweeping loudly in the otherwise-silent room.

‘Your coffee intake is limited to five cups a day,’ Tony instructs them politely before waving goodbye and dragging Pepper out of the room. He doesn’t mind if they stay, even if it is kind of imposing, but he is not going to cut his precious leisure time with Pepper on their expense.

They stay until Wednesday; it’s crazy in the positive way, although Tony finds himself hiding in the workshop quite a lot. It’s all fine, he is getting used to more people around, to many voices all the same time and many objects to track, but still needs _quiet time_ to for balance.

(Yoga with both Natasha and Clint leaves him unable to breathe because he’s laughing too much. Running isn’t much better; Tony has four treadmills, he doesn’t know why so many himself, so that is okay, but they just argue what music to listen to for half an hour before JARVIS plays Tony’s angry playlist and they both spend the rest of the hour complaining.)

When they leave, it’s ten days to Tony’s birthday and almost everything is ready.

***

‘I’ve got an idea,’ Tony tells Pepper on Friday morning, the day before The Date. ‘But you’d have to take a day off tomorrow –’

‘I’ve already done that, you moron,’ Pepper replies affectionately when she’s swallowed her yogurt. ‘ _Obviously_.’

‘… okay, okay,’ Tony. ‘You are great. Yeah. You are the best, have I told you that recen–’

‘Yes, about ten times, can you please stop avoiding the topic you’ve brought up yourself?’

 _But I am so fucking nervous_ , Tony whines mentally. He’s not going to tell her that, though.

‘I’m taking you for a field trip tomorrow morning.’

‘But – it’s supposed to be rainy and foggy, Tony, do you think it’s a good idea?’

‘Rainy and foggy is perfect, Pepper,’ Tony assures her and reinforces the message with a kiss. He knows it sounds suspicious and mysterious, but he is not going to ruin the surprise. Pepper, knowing him well enough, doesn’t push.

Saturday morning is foggy and drizzly, JARVIS tells Tony. (It’s good because that means low visibility; it’s simply easier to fly two suits in one area in such weather without the worry of being spotted.) JARVIS _walks_ the suits to a van and Tony asks Happy to drive it to the old SI factory. Happy doesn’t even question his boss, just says okay and leaves.

Tony asks Pepper to drive the A8 and she agrees without questioning, apparently deciding to be nice on his _special day_. JARVIS directs her and if she realizes where they are going, she doesn’t say.

When they finally get to the destination, Tony asks Happy to take the A8 home and leave the two of them to themselves; Happy just laughs at how absurd his job of the day is and leaves.

‘Open the back of the car,’ Tony says; the van is parked in one of the abandoned hangars, so the rain doesn’t bother them. Pepper does as she is told, and as soon as she gets a peek inside – Tony can imagine – she shrieks in surprise. It’s actually kind of sweet, Tony decides.

‘I thought,’ he says, moving closer to her and wrapping an arm around her waist, ‘we could fly together. I figured, since Rhodey can have the suit, and all that… I though you could enjoy it…’

‘I have never, never ever expected something like that,’ she whispers into his neck. ‘I – I think I’d like to, I’m just a bit scared?’

‘Well, my lady, I will catch you if you fall, but I doubt JARVIS would let anyone get hurt, especially his two favorite people in the world.’

‘Indeed, sir,’ JARVIS replies via Mark II and Tony can hear the armor’s murmur as the pieces move to let him step inside and wrap themselves around his body; P1 does the same. Tony take a step ahead and hears Pepper moving, too, so he gives her a final kiss before they are both in the suits and suddenly in the air.

Pepper _loves_ it and she doesn’t seem as scared as she was on the earth after full three seconds up in the sky; JARVIS left the connection open between the suits and in half a minute she’s telling him endless words.

‘– this is amazing, Tony, the feeling, as if there was no gravitation, light and pleasant, the speed, why am I not scared of the speed? That’s why you liked the fog, JARVIS doesn’t have to be so careful, we can do want we want, that’s amazing, I love you, Tony, you’re the greatest genius I know, just don’t let this inflate your ego even more, I’m just saying this because it’s you birthday but _oh_ , JARVIS, do the upside-down thing again –’

Tony just listens to her monologue, giving JARVIS most of the control over the suit and just going with what the A.I. decides to do; his cheeks kinda hurt from smiling.

It’s almost as if the last year didn’t matter (not exactly didn’t happen, but you can’t expect a miracle); Tony knows it’s going to be an anniversary of – _waking_ _up_ – in a few days, but that’s something he doesn’t want to think about that.

They fly for almost an hour before Pepper says that she’s probably had enough fun for one day, so they go down to earth and get out of the suits. JARVIS takes them inside the van and Pepper drives them back to Stark Tower mostly in silence, with some songs they both like played in the background by the A.I.

(Pepper wasn’t surprised that Tony said he wants to spend his birthday just with him; he sent Rhodey to Florida and let Happy have a few days off, starting in the afternoon, so that it could be just the two of them.)

After they eat late lunch, homemade lasagna and chocolate fondant all made by Pepper for Tony – she doesn’t cook often but there are a few dishes she’s really good at, Tony wanted to cook himself, but she banned him from the kitcehn – they end up cuddled on the living room sofa; Tony can feel the shape of the ring box in his jacket’s pocket and he can swear he hasn’t been that nervous _ever_ in his life. _No, really_.

‘I know I haven’t mentioned your birthday,’ he starts quietly, playing with Pepper’s hair, ‘and you haven’t either, I can guess that is because you thought I just forgot, like every year, but I didn’t. I… I just needed some time to get you the right gift. It took me a long time… and when I finally had it, I thought that the best present I could ask for for _my_ birthday would involve you. So there. A… joined gift for me and you?’

‘Are you sure it’s not just a gift for _you_?’ Pepper teases, but Tony can tell she is curious and anxious to know what the whole thing is about.

‘Well, I hope not… Anyway,’ he starts again, feeling his heart starting to beat faster, really fast, and _fuck_ , he’s soon going to start mixing words or will just _faint_ and it will be a disaster and it will be pathetic –

 _What if she says no?_ he asks himself, even though, logically, it doesn’t seem very likely _, but what if she does? I’ve been stupid, I can’t – I shouldn’t have – I don’t think I –_

‘Tony?’

Tony swallows, feeling as if his mouth was full of sand, _that’s getting even worse_ , he thinks, but it can’t. He is supposed to be. Fucking. Brave. He shakes his head slightly, feeling a shiver running down his spine, and _just in case_ says:

‘I know, Pepper, I’ve been spoilt, my whole life, I’ve been used to get everything I wanted –’

‘It didn’t prevent you from being hurt,’ Pepper reminds him softly, but Tony ignores her words, it’s not relevant.

‘– so please forgive me if I’m being a selfish bastard like I usually am because of this,’ he pauses for a second, then moves away from her and suddenly finds himself kneeling in front of her on the cold floor, one hand unconsciously opening the box to present her the ring. ‘Pepper – Virginia Potts, will you marry me?’ he says and almost swoons, he can’t believe he _really_ said it –

Pepper laughs and Tony freezes.

‘If you’ve been so worried about _this_ ,’ she says, moving on the sofa and wrapping her long fingers around his wrists, ‘you really are a moron. Yes,’ she adds. ‘Yes, yes, and _yes_ ,’ she repeats, Tony takes out the ring, letting the box fall to the floor, it’s more as if someone was controlling his movements because he can’t really comprehend that _she said YES_ ; then her hands guide his and he slips the ring on her finger and she kneels down next to him and kisses him fiercely.

_She. Said. Yes._

‘I love you,’ he finally manages to whisper into her ear, breaking away from the kiss. ‘This is the best day of my life.’

‘And mine,’ she replies.

It really is, because for these few hours, Tony manages to _forget_ , manages to stop caring about how everything he has shattered into pieces, because now, he’s picking them up and making a royal jewel out of them.

(And even though Tony knows the next day Coulson and Clint are going to New Mexico to check out a potential extraterrestrial threat, Natasha is sent out to mingle with Russian high-society as a follow-up to the Vanko mission and Rhodey goed to HQ every day to help the agents with Ivan’s interrogation – he doesn’t say anything, of course – Tony decides that as much as he cares for these people, it all doesn’t matter.)

‘I have one more request for you, Pepper,’ he tells her a few minutes later, when he’s calmed down enough to speak coherently. ‘Look at the ring again?’

‘I was going to ask – what is it made of, Tony?’

‘It’s – the new element. The one I have here,’ he adds, tapping his arc reactor.

‘You made if yourself?!’ she exclaims, making him offer a shy smile.

‘I did, and – I want you to name it. The element. Consider it a… engagement gift? Your choice will be remembered forever by the science,’ he jokes and she highs him tighter.

It takes her a few moments to figure out an answer and Tony just waits.

‘Well, if you think I’m not going to include your name in it, by the modern fashion,’ (of course Pepper would know all the element s and stuff, she’s been dealing with Tony Stark for years and years) ‘you’re wrong. Let’s call it _starkium,_ that sounds –’

‘Perfect. You are wonderful,’ Tony replies and silences her with a kiss. ‘I wouldn’t have made it without you,’ he adds in a whisper. 

(Tony doesn’t know if he will be okay in a few days, in an anniversary of opening his eyes and not seeing; he doesn’t want to remember but he can’t forget. The sand and the howling wind and the heat seem far away, but they are still too close. _Get used to it. That’s how the world is now,_ he keeps repeating that to himself, but he can’t. He still keeps trying to find an anchor point, a common element, an answer to the whole mystery of the _new world_ that’s in front of him, but all he has is loose threads that he can’t catch and connect. It seems like pretending – the images in his head – and it becomes reality; reality becomes pretending.

Time passes and Tony knows that he needs to learn to _let go of_ things instead of reminiscing them endlessly, and to accept that everything in the past is nothing but an afterimage, nothing but an image of a world that doesn’t exist any longer, burnt under his eyelids by the last memories of sunshine.)

 

 

 

 

  
**~~~FIN**   **~~~  
**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to be updated, you might want to subscribe to my profile/the series of which Afterimage is the first installment. Or you can follow me on [tumblr ](http://concreteandsun.tumblr.com) where I will post notifications about this 'verse :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for comments and support and for staying with me. You've been wonderful and it's been one of my most rewarding writing experiences.  
> I'm not even dreaming about a comment from all of the almost-hundred subscribers, but I'll love you eternally if you let me know how you liked the story as a whole <3


End file.
